Laying in bed last night, Katie and I still both very much awake, I cuddled up behind her as I do every night with one hand under her neck clasping her hand and the other around her body pulling myself tight behind her. We fall asleep in that position most every night. But while we were still awake we talked some. Our conversation sporadic sometimes chatting, sometimes silent. At one point I kissed her on the back of her shoulder and said, "You make me feel secure."
"Why is that?" Katie asked.
"Because I think I am an insecure guy deep down."
Katie disagreed with my self assessment but I know that without her I'd be one lonely man. I mean I was a lonely man before I found her. I filled my day with work and just existed. I didn't live. I didn't laugh. I didn't smile lots. I just did my job, came home late at night and made a quick dinner and either sat here as I am now writing, reading sports on the web, watching TV or sleeping. That was my life.
But with Katie it's different. I don't live to work. I work to live and can't wait until the day comes when I can quit my job and retire - or at least work part-time as I choose. I smile now. I have a person that overwhelms me. I told Katie last night that sometimes when I am laying next to her in bed, or sitting beside her while she drives, or holding her hand while we walk that I actually feel it is a privilege to be with her. I am just that taken by her. She laughed when I told her but it is so true. She is so much more than my spouse. She fills me with joy and an understanding that I am loved. In turn I want nothing more than to do all I can to please her.
In that line, I don't know that I would make a very good sub to a woman that just wanted a man to do her bidding, slave away and not be rewarded at all emotionally. Oh, I might work hard for her for awhile, but I need more than a woman that is able to tell me what she wants done and in doing so make me understand that I am her submissive, there to serve as she deems. Yes, I do believe that I thrive when I have the understanding that I am not my wife's equal, that she decides, that I am there to serve, that we live with two different responsibilities as partners. She understands she is the Mistress wife, the one with all the power, the one that is responsible for me and making sure I remain close to her and serve her as she needs my help. I in turn understand that my primary responsibility is focusing on Katie, to do what I can do for her to make her happy, loved and cared for. Yes, I need a woman that is both strong and demanding (to satisfy that submissive side of me) but I also need one that I know loves me. I don't mind being told. In fact I like that but I need those instructions tempered with the realization that my efforts are appreciated by the woman I have pledged my obedience. The two need not follow one another right away but if I were to do several hours of work for Katie during a weekend, it is so nice to hear a simple, "I appreciated you getting that done". It's not much but it is much all the same.
I was reading a blog recently in which a statement was made about women stating they would never ask their husband permission for anything but would rather tell them what they were going to do. It rubbed me the wrong way. Then while I was working outside this weekend I thought about that statement and realized that Katie does that same thing. The difference however, is that she tells me those kinds of things when I am at work and we are apart. For example I might get a text stating, "Meeting Rachel for a glass of wine tomorrow at 6. Remind me at 5", or "Meeting Susan on Friday. Remind me before you go to work". The "declarative statements" are more for me to free Katie from having to keep her planner out than it is a statement telling me I'm going out and you aren't. The two are very different.
In fact, I very much enjoy those kinds of texts or emails. I feel needed. I'm being helpful. I'm also a part of her day even when we are apart. And I love it when she socializes with her friends. I know she isn't alone. I know she is taking time to spend with ladies she has known for many years and whose company she thoroughly enjoys. But Katie would never make a statement to the effect of, "See ya, I'm going out, don't know when I'll be back. Bye." when I am home with her. Of what purpose does that type of comment serve? Why would a woman do that? Where is the love? Where is the consideration? Say what you will but there isn't any.
Maybe those kinds of in-your-face comments unearth my deep seated insecurity. If Katie made such a statement, I'd probably swallow hard, look surprised, try to act cool but inside feel hurt. I'd want to say, "but, but, but can't I come too? When will you be home?" You see, I am married to a woman with whom I want to spend all of my time with and do so most all of my time. It's why I married her. We love one another and enjoy being together. Katie fills me. She is my better half - more like my better three-quarters. She brings out my better side - my laugh, my smile, my sense of humor, my patience, the things about me that I'd most likely bury deep inside if I were alone. I'm glad I'm not alone. I don't ever wish to be in that position again. I much rather feel a woman's love - that genuine 'I appreciate you more than I can express' kind of love.