Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Developmentally Stunted?

A couple of months ago I received an email from another submissive man. He made the comment that a reason men might submit is because their growth may have been stunted.  Now that statement caught my attention. He spoke of a situation in the Bible where a wife ‘led’ her husband who was mentally impaired.  Now you may not think you are mentally impaired but that all depends on what your point of reference is. I would think that if we were in the company of Da Vinci or Einstein we’d all rethink our position. I’ve also long since learned that although it is human instinct to justify one’s position that it is usually a wiser choice to look at things from the other perspective. One of the best speakers I've ever heard spoke again and again about "don't prove yourself right, see if you can prove yourself wrong". His point being that anyone can justify our current thinking, position, belief but it's only by looking at things differently that one is able to improve on those foundational principles. And so I gave it some thought.

And after giving that statement thought I'm not sure I have an answer. I can only speak for me. I don’t know anything about you if you are a man, or about your submissive if you are a woman. What I do know is that one's development is multifaceted and it has nothing to do with intelligence.  I have a family member that has Asbergers Syndrome. He’s brilliant and received a full scholarship at age 16 to a major university in the US. He could do all the academic work but he couldn’t handle the social aspect of college life, decided not to attend class and promptly flunked out.  That was some time ago. Since then he’s gotten back on his feet and successfully attending a smaller school more suited for him – developmentally.
The question posed has more to do with emotional rather than educational or intellectual or physical development. I have stated on numerous occasions that I shy away from conflict. That impacts my decision making, especially when that decision affects others. I don’t relish the conflict. I don’t like the internal tension and so I prefer that Katie just speaks her mind so we can move on.  I find an immense amount of security in her leadership. Yet at work my role is to be ‘Katie’, to take charge and tell others what it is they are or are not to do. It doesn’t bother me in the least. Maybe that is because I don’t feel personally invested in them the way I do with Katie. I know I don’t find disappointing them but despise ever doing anything that would hurt or make Katie feel less of me.

To submit is synonymous with being a follower – mostly. A submissive obeys rather than gives orders. A submissive lives to please rather than commands others to do things they may or may not want to do. A submissive lives a life mostly pretty much devoid of power, choice, options, freedoms.  So to be ‘that’ person, does that also imply that there are developmental deficiencies in that person as well? Do men find security and contentment in being led because they can’t effectively lead (a marriage) or because the feel some deep need to be led by a woman?

Life is a continuum of developing. We gain physical abilities, learn to think on deeper levels, become less impulsive, more wise, more thoughtful, understand the value of speaking less and listening more, etc.  One might argue that because I am older than you I am likely further ‘developed’. One might argue that because you are older than me, I am less mature than you. That doesn’t mean that you or I can’t function within the norms society dictates. That doesn’t mean we both can't be successful at work or at home or enjoy healthy relationships. I mean a 17 year old high school kid can get by fairly well, but then again, can you remember how 'under developed you were at that age? We are all growing. I just wonder if maybe this guy might be onto somethings. The fact that we can function normally doesn’t preclude us submissive men from feeling, (needing might be the better word choice here) the security and control and leadership of our wives because we function best when following those we love most rather than taking them by the hand and pulling them were we want them to go. 

Me, I love to be led by Katie. I love feeling her strength. I love to have her decide – and all of that has nothing to do with kink. Rather when she shows her Mistress side, I feel secure. I don’t always like that I have to exert effort when she tells me to work, but I do love knowing I am married to a strong woman who has claimed me as her own.  Does that mean that I am developmentally stunted when compared to those men that enjoy leading without the associated negative feelings that I sometimes feel?
Now don’t go try proving yourself right, but take a moment and consider the same comment made to me. What do you think, might the submissive man that wrote me be onto something?

I’m Hers

15 comments:

  1. Developmentally stunted? - I, respectfully, think the exact opposite is true and this is why. The more experiences in life you have, the richer your life is. In effect, what we are doing in a WLM is essentially living two different lives, one at work and one at home. On top of that, one life compliments the other. Being a follower at home helps us empathize and be a better leader at work. Being a follower at home helps us de-stress which leads to an overall healthier and more enriching life. Lower stress is the number one reason, I think, that women outlive men by a substantial margin. Stress is a killer in many ways. Men who are involved in a WLM are, on the whole, calmer, happier, and less stressed. Somewhat of a simplistic explanation I know, but I wholeheartedly believe it.

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    1. Wishful4,

      Hope you had a wonderful Christmas/New Years holiday season. I've missed not having you stop by. You know, I like your thoughts. I like thinking that maybe we might be developmentally enhanced! Now wouldn't that turn a few heads if that were indeed true. With all the wasteful spending in Washington, surely some egghead (a favorite phrase of my old boss) out there reading this will propose and be granted a half mil to study this very topic. When conclusions are drawn yahoo and the huffington post will be all over it. Maybe even NPR! Then Kathy's dream of men coming out of the closet will occur and submission and dominance will be come commonplace - and all because of your thoughts. An avalance really does start with the movement of a single snow flake.

      OK, I'm in a wierd mood. Sorry. Your thoughts are good. I agree that my homelife is much less stressful than any I've ever experienced because of my submission to Katie. Conversely, I would hope that her's is not more stressful for those same reasons - which I don't think is true. Other pieces to the stress puzzle is the added sense of being loved and belonging all big stress reducers and self-image boosters. But I wonder if we CHOOSE submission because we are running away from something. That is the question I keep wondering about. Are we running or hiding from something? Just wondering.

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    2. Sorry I've been missing lately. I'll try to stop by more often. I don't know that I necessarily chose submission as much as stumbled into it by trial and error. My spouse says I have always been submissive in our sexual relationship. With our journey into male chastity, bringing my submission outside our sexual relationship seemed a natural progression to me.

      One of the things I learned in my previous occupational training was that, the most successful people make the maximum use of all the available resources around them. A WLM does much the same thing. It allows the woman to do the things she is best at and the same for the man. Some women are very good leaders, and given all the facts, very good decision makers. They are also good at prioritizing, finding a consensus and avoiding conflict. Some men tend to be very task oriented, can be impulsive, and very sexual in nature. The sexual part can be destructive to the marriage, hence putting the woman in control of it via chastity device makes very good sense. I think maybe your wondering is because you think you have found, in your relationship, the best kept secret on the planet and you wonder how and why you found it or it found you. You are probably also wondering, like me, why everyone isn't living this way. Submission is not hiding or running from something, my friend, it is heaven on earth. I am dying to tell everyone all about it, but you know you can't so we hide in our little corner of the internet waiting...waiting.....waiting.

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    3. Wishful4,
      That was one of the most elequently stated paragraphs I have read in quite some time. I don't know that I agree with all of it since the question of 'should a man submit to a woman if he is better skilled/suited than her in the area of leadership, decision making, etc. I still believe that regardless of his leadership abilities, submission is ideal for a man, if for no other reason than to prevent him from wandering emotionally. It is why I believe cuckholding, swinging and the such where others outside of the marital relationship become involved is such a dangerous choice. It permits the seed of 'the grass just might be greener with her, or him' to take root. Why take that chance. Just let it be.

      I love what you said regarding submission finding me - which is what I believe happened to me personally. It found me and I then realized that 'ah-ha moment' and brought the question to Katie to consider. Maybe the number of men finding submission will grow and gain the needed momentum to become a viable option for couples to consider on a larger scale.
      Thanks so much for taking the time to share!

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    1. Happy Pet,

      Geez, you went way out there on a limb and just opened up to me in ways that few will. LOL Please, at any time feel free to expand on those concise words.

      As an aside, when I was a novice teacher I realized that some essay/short answer questions could be answered in one word 'yes' or 'no' responses. I quickly learned to add a second sentence to those questions that met that criteria. For example, I might have asked: Is it possible that submissive men are developmentally stunted? Explain your position.

      Ah, problem solved. I neglected to add that last sentence in my post here, and besides you are not paying me to teach you so I have no leverage to make you 'expound upon your answer'. But you did make me smile and laugh and so I thank you.

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  3. Might I ask what Biblical situatiomn is being referenced? You have peaked my interest.

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    1. RR, I made a classic error. In a conversation with another they made mention of the example I used in the post without looking up the passage specifically. Now that you brought the question up I can't find such a verse and wrote that person to see where his souce came from. Should he write back I will post it. Ugh. My mistake )

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  4. No worries. If he writes back I will be interested as it will either be a big stretch or an obscure verse burired between things in a larger context. Never know though, there is a lot of material in those 66 books. I was kind of. looking forward to studying it out.

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    1. I will keep you posted. Extended an offer for this person to respond directly to your question. If I get an answer I will post the passage for you to check out. Thanks RR

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    2. Roy, I got an answer from 'my source' he admitted it 'might have been hyptothetical' meaning - he made it up to suit his purpose. LOL I should have known. Fool me once, shame on me..... not again. But he point was a good one to consider regardless. Have a great weekend.

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  5. My thoughts are it is also the exact opposite of developmentally stunted.

    I find in my case to be submissive is something I couldn't do without being confident and secure in who I am. At work I am a leader, own a business and (hopefully) run it quite well. But at home that isn't my role. She is just a better leader than me when it comes to the home front. That doesn't make me less it just is what it is. So I can't see how I could be developmentally stunted. Maybe I shouldn't assume that all submissive guys are the same but I am assuming a lot of them are similar to me.

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    1. Thanks SOS, personally I never thought of myself as stunted developmentally but then again, my perspective is a biased one, as is yours. My hunch is that us submissives are on the adventuresome, confident side since we broke stride with societal norms and asked our spouses if we could serve them. Maybe all men should be that way but they aren't and that's not going to change anytime soon.

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  6. Don't know all the aspects, but I always thought I came from a very safe, well-run home. I was content, happy, and well adjusted for the most part, as far as I know, so I don't have one of those ' my_____ beat me, ______ me, or whatever else you could want to insert or add for a cause of why I am the way I am. Like so many others of us, I may have occasionally noticed some small things here and there that piqued me, but never enough to form a pattern or conclusive profile of what might be me. I mostly felt confident and developed.
    Times went on, relationships changed. I hungered for something more satisfying than where I was at in a marriage in the doldrums and ended up here, but still feeling confident and developed, just different
    Even though I really doubt my dad had any submissive bones in his body and probably would not quite understand my position now, I feel in time he would come along to see it. Things sometimes happen that way, but there are always a few axioms in each person’s life that we look to when we are not quite sure of which way to approach things. One of them from my dad fit in for me here. He told me a number of times that the most important person in getting a job done is a good setup person. He has to know all of the aspects of a situation to be good. He can set up all the right choices for the leader to decide the one to succeed and not have any chance for failure. I have the confidence to 'try' and apply that quite well in where I am now. I have to work harder, be smarter, be more attentive, to put it all together before I offer it up to her to make her choices that I now see she deserves. That confidence works so much better to help get you through the negative feelings you may entertain when warming the car on sub-zero mornings or wondering how many other guys use Barkeepers Friend on a fiberglass tub. I just want to do it for her, to know it is expected.
    After this, I guess I really don't know why I want to her to decide, but I don't believe it is the stunted thing either. It is hard to pin down the real reasons, isn't it?

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    1. Interesting thoughts JT, I was reading your comment and it made me thing back to a few comments that old girlfriends/relatives made about my parents. From my persective I grew up with everything I needed - food clothing, shelter, chores to do, discipline, and love. It wasn't until I had grown and left home that I remember people telling me I grew up 'poor' or that my mother was like 'this' or my dad had issues in 'that' area. No one is perfect and although I'm sure my folks failed me in some ways as parents, I too failed my kids raising them at times. No one is perfect and no one makes the wisest decisions all the time.

      I like your fathers advice about the most important man needed being a set up man. I once had a teacher comment that the best teachers should teach the 'foundational' classes and not the upper level ones. I understood his comment to mean that without a good functional knowledge and skill in any area, to try to advance without first establishing a grasp of the basics, one builds on shakey ground. Maybe that is what submission is all about - helping her with the mundane, the ordinary, the trivial, the grunt work, so she can then focus on the bigger broader issues confronting her and her marriage.

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