Tuesday, February 25, 2014

How intense should a Dominant be?

I had put this post up for a few days but took it down after seeing the Rio Olympic Logo.  I decided to have a bit of fun and post on the logo - in jest of course. Time to get serious again and repost on what I had only had uploaded for a day before temporarily removing. 

I thought of this topic after reading a post on SOS KK blog a few weeks ago. He noted that his relationship is quite ‘vanilla’ and made comments explaining why he thought so.  I would concur that mine fits in that same mold - in fact, it's even more so.  However I know of another couple whose dominate partner is much stricter with her treatment of him. Physical punishment is quite the norm. She rules him with an iron fist. That relationship is quite different from mine and most likely both of ours is different than yours. The question I'm posing here is: how intense should a woman be in dominating her husband?
Obviously there is no cookie-cutter answer. Every couple is different. Every dominant woman is different. Every submissive man is different and the way that the two interact will differ as well from couple to couple.  When Katie and I settled in with her leading the way we followed the suggeston of Rika (Uniquely Rika book).  During those first months, I presented her with a list of chores I would do and she accepted most.  I then became her servant in that particular area. Over time and once we married I relinquished my paycheck and had it transferred into her account. It just made sense to do that since she handles the bills.  When we married we pledged vows – me to obey, her to lead; me to love, adore and support, she to be free to do as she wished as long as it nurtured our relationship and cultivated/encouraged my submission.
I agreed to turn over to Katie my freedom to decide most of the decisions that made up our married life and she agreed to assume responsibility for making those decisions.  She runs our home without consulting me on most of the day to day decisions and expenditures. For example she purchases items at will. I ask if I can make purchases for most everything - and usually she allows me to do so.  We will discuss larger issues like retirement, insurance, medical issues and similar but Katie makes final decisions after considering my input.  She keeps me locked and controls ‘the bedroom’. I can’t initiate love making because I am unable to – being kept physically chaste.  There is much that has changed since we first met.
Yet in many ways we don’t live intentionally as dominant and submissive.  We have an understanding that we know to be true but in many ways we have assumed our ‘dominant rut’ and ‘submissive rut’. We go about living knowing what we each do. I cook. She pays the bills. I remain locked. She decides when she wants sex, I provide the majority of our income, she maintains the home when I am at work, I keep up her daily/monthly planner, she keeps track of me, etc.
But is that enough to live like that? Does living like that nurture ones dominance or submission? Not necessarily – in my opinion. Because I cook, clean and ask for permission for most things that alone doesn’t make me feel submissive.  It does when she tells me to cook, clean or tell me ‘no’ when I ask for something or ask to do something. But the fact that I cook and clean doesn’t cause me to be (or feel) submissive.
What makes me vividly understand that I am owned by Katie is when I feel fear. I don’t even tell her that I am fearful at times but I can think of several times in which I wanted to ask her something but was afraid to do so. I didn’t want to be told ‘no’ to an idea I had knowing that once she said no, the topic was off the table and the decision made. When I do something wrong, I fear her wrath. She rarely, if ever shows it, but I know she is capable of it. Just the other day she was on the phone with an issue he had with the State Lottery because she purchased a lottery ticket, won $1 and then when she cashed it in was told the ticket was void after August of last year. The problem was, she didn’t purchase it until December and so that ticket should have never been in the machine in the first place.  She was hot. I told her ‘it’s only a dollar Katie’ but I got ‘the look’ and was told it was the principle of the matter.  She called the state lottery commission and things got heated – all because they were being unprincipled.  I think the word ‘fraud’ came out of her mouth at one point.
So, a wordy way to say that I know she has a temper. She never seems to be bothered by my inadequacies and in some ways I am thankful. In other ways I believe a little fire and constructive criticism for my lapses would probably be good for the both of us.
I can say that I intentionally and consciously submit to Katie throughout the day. I do so partly out of respect but partly because my hope is to help her feel like the dominant woman that she is.  
When she tells me to do things I often respond by saying “I will obey you” in one form or another. What I love is when I feel that figurative leash that she holds being pulled or yanked tight.  Although not often spoken, she will sometimes call me her sub. When she does I melt. I need to feel that. I need those conscious reminders spoken from her that demonstrates that she knows who she is, and is willing to remind me of who it is that I am – owned by her.
No, Katie nor your wife needs to be commanding all the time but they must maintain the clear understanding that no one is to mess with Mistress and no one should ever challenge her authority – ever.  How she does that can vary significantly from couple to couple but in every case it needs to be clearly stated that the man she loves more than anyone else is owned by her and lives forever as her submissive or slave.
How does your dominant partner/wife yank on the leash connected to you to remind you that the two of you are not, nor will ever be, equal? Ladies, what is your favorite method of reminding him of that fact?
I’m Hers


  1. One of the biggest country hits right now is "Doin' What She Likes" by Blake Shelton (who is married to country star Miranda Lambert).

    Go to YouTube and watch the video: Ladies and Gentlemen, I do believe we have a bona fide FLR/WLR song and music video!

    1. Thanks for the thoughts Anonymous. Liked the blake selton song. It's here if others want to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrQGJ7pqLCA . I went to youtube and listened to ladies and gentlemen by saliva. Not sure that is what you were referring to.

  2. I think I have to agree with you when it comes to " that look you get that lets you know your place in the relationship. I think once you are in a FLR or any relationship the two become adjusted to their role . We don't really talk about FLR as much as when we first started because it is now our lifestyle that we live and we are more in in love now than ever. RR

    1. I agree RR. Yet I think we all need to keep talkng and keep the flames of dominance and submission alive in our minds. It is there where D/s really takes place. The outward things we do to express that are simply outcomes of the attitude of the mind. I agree RR. Yet I think we all need to keep talkng and keep the flames of dominance and submission alive in our minds. It is there where D/s really takes place. The outward things we do to express that are simply outcomes of the attitude of the mind.

  3. The question I'm posing here is: how intense should a woman be in dominating her husband?

    I am glad you reposted this. I also suspect you are of the view that you would like Katie to be more overtly dominant. I suspect this is true of the vast majority of us who wish to obey our partners; maybe it is our lot to never feel truly dominated.

    Mistress Kathy wrote that a sub should be trained to serve and punished when appropriate. I for one certainly wish to be punished when I fail to please - if nothing else it clears the air and allows penance.That doesn't happen yet; but I remain hopeful. I wonder sometimes how Kathy's John feels. He is the one person I know of via the web that would seem to be the most effectively ruled by his mistress. I wonder does he feel that he wishes she be more strict?

    And to answer your question: I believe any mistress needs to allow her husbands resourcefulness and creativity full rein but only in her service. He needs to feel that the most heinous crime is to displease or disobey her and that he'd go miles out of his way to never do that. He must feel that he has no choice and no freedom to do anything but serve, because serving brings such rich rewards and makes him so happy that the loss of autonomy is as nothing.

  4. Tony,
    I like your perspective regarding how intense a dominant woman should be. You expressed it perfectly - to use all the 'good' that he has to offer and to make him come to understand that his service to her is his lifes' purpose. Thanks! I do appreciate your thoughts.

  5. Hello, I'm-Hers. This is my first comment here. I'm sorry for the anonymous post but I haven't yet set up a screen name.

    I have been in a similar relationship as yours for quite some time and know your concerns. We crave Dominance...whether it be painful or pleasurable. We have fantasies about being whipped and groveling at her feet. I know I do.

    Early on in our D/s lifestyle, my wife was tentative and a bit unsure of how to act, but she she has progressed to enjoy and demand her power over me. I do many household chores but not as much as you. My wife enjoys cooking so she takes care of that. I do most of the clean up but occasionally she will wash and I will dry. At first this kind of bothered me...I wanted to do it all, and many times I do...but if she helps I understand that it's no big deal. The same with the laundry. She doesn't want me "ruining" her clothes, so she handles that.

    Rest assured that I have countless chores and routines. Bed making, bath preparing, foot massages are daily requirements, as well as larger weekly vacuuming, window & mirror washing, floor washing, toilets cleaned, etc...So in that respect we serve in a similar fashion.

    I'm responding to this post because you often refer to "Uniquely Rika" as your blueprint. We do, too. But I believe you are missing out on some of the more "delicious" things that fulfill us as a submissive. I'm talking about the "Gifts" that Ms. Rika gives to her sub. She is no stranger to wielding a whip, employing very strict bondage, or using a subs fetish desires to control and toy with him. She understands the "fantasies" we have. She has made it crystal clear that she will fulfill these fantasies on "Her Terms" only...presented as gifts, when she alone feels like it. That's the way it should be.

    For my own situation, my wife has know about my fantasies since before we married. I have a very strong foot fetish. For many years I tried to manipulate my wife in creating "scenes" of foot submission. She would try, but I could always see that she wasn't really thrilled by it. I would get moody, she would get upset and nothing would happen sexually...you know the story. It wasn't until Ms Rika's book showed me the way that I should be creating ways to serve my wife and not the other way around. To my utter surprise, my wife flourished with this small but important distinction. Once she understood that my deeper desire was to serve...on HER TERMS...she was more than happy to indulge my foot cravings. The big difference was that she would "gift" me this pleasure when "she alone" felt like it. (Lucky for me it's quite often, now.)

    In fact, that has become my most effective punishment as well. When she is displeased with me, I am not allowed any contact with her feet until she says the "punishment" is over. Of course "cumming" is suspended as well. She tortures me by making sure I always have a good view of her crossed ankles and delicious toes...sometimes even resting them on my lap while we watch tv...of course, no touching is allowed. Believe me, it's a most effective punishment for our situation. She's not big on dishing out pain, but she has a crop and on occasion will administer 20 or 30 good cracks. I never know when to expect this. It's just something she knows I enjoy and will "gift" it too me on HER TERMS at random times throughout the year.

    In your writing I sense that you want something like this. To be perfectly blunt, I think you need to express your desires a bit more strongly to your wife. It seems all you do is service her and get some cuddling and edging in return. I do those things as well, but I get a bit back in return.

    If you're totally happy with your situation, disregard my suggestion and accept my wishes for happiness for the both of you.

  6. This part really struck a chord with me:

    Because I cook, clean and ask for permission for most things that alone doesn’t make me feel submissive. It does when she tells me to cook, clean or tell me ‘no’ when I ask for something or ask to do something. But the fact that I cook and clean doesn’t cause me to be (or feel) submissive.

    This is so important to me because a lot of times I end up serving my wife in ways that I don't feel like her submissive. Sometimes many days go by without anything in that regard, and this really helps put it into words.

    I think that identifying and articulating the problem is teh first step toward solving it, so I find this very helpful.

    Thank you!

  7. Interesting post (ask Google and it shall giveth all). I usually can't feel "the leash" and I'll even go so far to say, I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable turnout that I will never feel that proverbial tug the way I'd like. My calling will never be fully answered. Someone suggested, "maybe this is our lot in life" and whether this is true or not, it feels healthy to expect a disconnect with your partner, for the long-term sustainability of it all anyway. Having said that, I'll now go out on a limb and say, 'submissives have needs too.' Although some in the D/s community can't wrap their arms around that one, I think it's essential that needs are being met on both sides. The elephant in the room of the FLR party is usually Mr. BDSM. He doesn't care what you call it or what part you practice and what part you remove from your "contract", he knows what stirs your soul and he's seen it tons of times in different permutations. The reason I mention that is because for all the window dressing of FLR, there will come a time when a sub needs "the look" or to hear those words that would make the Jones squirm, and from time to time feel the whip (metaphor, if you like). If she is all about the fringe benefits (oh it's so nice that he does the laundry now) and she's not investing much into knowing what makes a sub tick, then it might be said that a D/s relationship is not really for her and a basic egalitarian model might be a better option. I hate to sound so practical, but it really needs to be one or the other. And yes, a submissive needs to voice his/her needs so that both know there's a decision to make. But that wouldn't be submissive right? (; Sorry, I have to finish dinner…

    1. Antwerp and anonymous, thanks for taking the time to contribute to the discussion.

      I believe both of you are confirming the same point, at least in part, that we both have needs. That submissives need to be reinforced and that their dominant need not assume that they can expect without apprieciating, verbalizing that appreciation and 'nuture their submission' by encouraging them to remain as they both are and desire to be.