Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Why do we do this?

I was sitting in church the other week listening to the sermon. For some reason I began thinking about why I was sitting here. There are lots of reasons but one important one was because I want to live a life that is more rewarding, more meaningful, more purposeful.  I then began thinking about my life as the submissive man to the woman sitting next to me, to Katie.  I thought about why we volunteer, why we give blood, why we coach our kids youth sport teams, why we learn to play an instrument or sing, why we read and go to workshops or seminars to further our knowledge after all the required education is finished. In life we mature by progressing from selfish motives to wanting to look outward because living a solitary life and focusing only on ‘me’ and my wants becomes boring and old. Maybe it’s why Facebook and other similar sites are so popular. We all are needy people that want to belong – even the haughtiest of us are not immune to the realities of life and our inherent inadequacies.
But back to my situation, and likely yours as well, why do I live as a submissive man? Why did Katie choose to take me as her submissive husband and live as my dominant wife – my Mistress Katie, as I often call her? I do it because it enriches my life. I can flower that thought up in a myriad of ways but at its core, the reason is quite simple. I few posts ago I wrote about my life having purpose and maybe I am saying the same thing here all over again.  I go to church because I believe I have a soul. I go to work because I find value in it. I give blood because I know I can help others live. I root for my favorite sport team because I can invest emotionally in their success and failure. I serve Katie because I love pleasing women – a woman – to be more specific.
I wonder what is in it for Katie? She takes. She receives. She leads. But I have this hunch that the most successful dominant and submissive relationships are those in which the dominant woman gives back to her submissive by dominating him. That may take on many forms but I believe that if Katie doesn’t’ embrace my service and doesn’t’ encourage it, if she doesn’t’ remind herself that she is the Mistress of the house that she too will become bored.  That doesn’t’ mean that she needs to order me around and scold me for failing on this or that but it could. It doesn’t mean that she has to lock me in chastity and throw away the key for a year, but it could. What matters is that she understands at the very core of who she is that she ‘can’ do anything she wants; that she can require me to do anything and I will. She needs to be able to say to herself, “I love knowing he’s my sub and will do what I tell him.” She can think, “It is so nice to walk by those dishes and know that he is the one going to clean up this mess.” She can say, “thank you” for a service knowing that she will receive that same service thousands of times again in the years ahead. 
So much of what gives meaning to life takes place in the mind.  Kathy for example (of Femdom 101) doesn’t ‘get’ football, yet her husband and son-in-law love it.  They can all be in the same room with the TV on and the guys can feel so many emotions in the course of the game while Kathy only sees big guys running around and falling down every now and then and guys in striped shirts blowing whistles.  There is no meaning in that for her and so she receives no satisfaction. But that is not what her husband feels. He feels excitement, worry, disappointment, frustration, elation, etc all because he enjoys and understands the game. The same is true about femdom. The more we invest in it emotionally the more valuable and satisfying it becomes.
But that investment needs to be conscious. It helps me when I write these blogs because the reality of it is continually reinforced. When Katie tells me it’s time to eat, it affirms that she is in charge. When I wake up and feel the cage locked to my body, I remember who I am. When I ask ‘what’s this?’ and she tells me it’s something she ordered, we both understand our respective positions as the one that doesn’t need to be asked or included in a decision as well as the one that need not seek approval before deciding or spending funds.  It’s the consciousness of what we do that reinforces what we say we have. It makes it real. It solidifies the relationship, and it sure does make it more fun and rewarding to both parties.
I’m Hers


  1. Our lives are the only ones we will get, one shot, one chance to make it the best we can. Everyone has a different definition of what makes that life good, for some its giving, for others its taking.

    In a femdom relationship both people need to do give and receive to make it work. If one is all giving and doesn't take then the other can't give.

    Point is we live a submissive life because when we leave this earth and want to say we made the best of it, that is one point that we were happy to have in our "Bucket". To some its the worst thing in the world to be submissive to another, for people like us its rewarding beyond imagination.

    Thank god we don't all have the same wants and needs, this earth would be pretty boring.

    Good piece I'm-Hers, makes one think, I might not be very good at it but I like to try. LOL.

    1. SOS KK, well said. Especially the statement of thanking God we aren't all the same. I have a blog I follow that is written by a submissive woman. I read it often yet it is hard for me to wrap my head around a man dominating this really cool woman. But for her it works. She's like us, only serving a different gender, and for the two of them, it works. That part I get.

  2. It is an amazing thing to imagine how many thoughts and emotions must have run through your mind before this was read by us. Feelings that were juggled around, tried on, tested or rejected, till they finally spilled out in the text form we see on your blog. There is no way any one reading this, or any number of the other well written blogs we follow could broad-brush submissives into being monosyllabic, preprogrammed robots that blindly follow the directives they are thrown from their keepers. Being a sub definitely does not diminish the complexity, depth, or volume of thought and emotions one can feel.
    One point that strongly shows through in your last posting is that you are living it completely, fully. It is not simply a fantasy game for you to turn on and off whenever the urge moves you to exploit it. It is your life. You are totally involved in this to experience all of it and offer the best of it back to her. It is truly something to emulate.

    1. Thanks for the thoughts but you know, to be honest I am always wanting more; always wanting things to be changed up or varied. I am a risk taker. I don't mind walking right to the edge of a cliff. I don't mind seeing how fast I can make this car go. It's who I am and so when things stay normal for awhile I'm ready to spice things up and try things a bit differently. Katie isn't that way and I am coming to learn that patience and obedience can be hard pills to swallow as a submissive. Maybe I"m just ancie tonight as I respond to you but I am wanting her to take some chances and have a little fun as my dominant wife. But I will wait for whatever comes my way.
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Always appreciated.

    2. IH,
      Your reply does fit in perfectly with what I was trying to say. I love doing this because it is exciting, it is real; all of the edges, and the risks. It would be fair to say it was no small thing to bring this up to someone you have been living with in a totally different manner since the 1970s. Playing within the bounds for us would have been the easy way, but I did bring it up. We changed in so many ways and this has become new reality for us. For now, every day is exciting. I can only hope that will continue through the ‘hard pill to swallow’ and the ‘this really sucks’ days that are sure to come.
      That is where I will return to the word about emulation. I am new to this. Sometimes I find myself reluctant to bring up a point simply because of all the background and interaction between people in the blogs I have read. It can be intimidating to make both a cogent and original point. As a result, I get the feeling sometimes that the post I am about to make may have been made ad nauseum before and will likely evoke the same. My apologies, but that is the way the internet is and I can deal with it. The fact is, though, that it is very engaging to read all of your blogs from the beginning to get a real sense of all of your personalities and who you really are. Some, such as Subservient Husband and yours are amazing in their continuity, and completeness. Others I can only wish I could have read, such as Kathy’s, although I think I have been able to find the reasons and understand why she has made the choices she has to delete it. There are so many references to Kathy out there, I just wish… Anyways, the two of us as a couple will find our own way to live this life, but can also find a few aspects from others we would like to emulate. Thank You.

  3. Well put, IH.

    You nailed it when you described femdom as a relationship that can thrive when there is emotional investment by both partners. I felt discouraged after reading that comment because my wife hasn't been displaying much of that lately. I'm not getting those expressions of domination that I crave: little smacks, pinches, name-calling, commands, seductions or phrases that say, "I own you." I have been trying to tough it out and striving to woo her with loving service and adoration, but I'm struggling with being patient. Your words helped me out this morning in a big way.

    My wife noticed I was feeling depressed and cranky and asked what's bothering me. I hesitated because I don't want to ask for stuff from this very busy professional woman, but finally admitted that I would love to have more attention, especially of the dominant sort! She said, "Is this about sex?". I said, "No, this is about me needing to feel dominated by you in everyday life. I would be thrilled to see little signs that you are emotionally invested in me as your submissive husband."

    I was shocked when she then asked me, "What specifically would you like me to do?" I was afraid to admit what I was craving, but managed to say, "I would love little signs every day like pinches, commands, swats, name-calling, seductive touches and perhaps threats - or anything you would enjoy doing to exert your dominance over me! Those would fuel me to keep serving you with everything I have!"

    My wife doesn't like to talk about relationship issues, so this was new ground for us. After a few seconds of silence, she smiled with a gleam in her eye, and said, "Okay you f***ing a***hole, I'll see what I can do."

    So, thank you IH! Your blog has helped me understand and articulate key elements of a wonderful female-led relationship, and I hope my beautiful wife and I can keep the communications open.

    Take care,


    1. Scott, Thank you! Thank you for writing what you did. I have been feeling as you have to a degree and your thoughts spoke to me as well; so much so that I wrote Katie and then pasted what you wrote for her to read. I think that women get so content being served that they miss the boat by not feeding the man that is serving as their submissive. I distinctly remember Ms Rika (great book if you haven't read it) state it is the man's jub to serve (period) but it is the woman's job to acknowledge and feed the mans sexual longings via playful teasing. She went on to explain that the teasing might be a long kiss, a grab of the crotch, a word or phrase that triggers his submissiveness, etc. It neednt be sexual per se but it needs to be intentional.

      Hopefully I helped you and in turn, you helped me. for that I thank you

    2. I think this is all part of the idea of "not giving it away for free". Historically slaves, concubines and wives (in patriarchies) needed to be kept in their place. There's no such thing as a free lunch.

      Oddly, we don't really do any roleplay. Xena wouldn't call me a "f***ing a***hole" unless she thought I was one. However, "messy" and "lazy" come up...

    3. Haha, I can identify with that lazy and messy part, Giles.  Those are my natural states that I've got to work hard to overcome.  I really appreciate your observation on the "not giving it away for free" aspect of an FLR.  I've never been a good negotiator of poker player, but I've got to figure out a way address this with my wife.  She does love me and understands my need to be dominated, but has been overwhelmed with work and way to busy to build in new habits.  My dear lady has a stubborn streak and will not read any books, blogs or websites that I present to her. 

      Perhaps this is the best time to negotiate, when she certainly needs my domestic support. My wife knows she is lovingly in charge and does not hesitate to tell me what she needs and is appreciative when I do her laundry, prepare her meals, and keep the house clean and well-stocked.  The house is peaceful, clean and full of love with me as her sub and I just need some of that AUTHORITY on a regular basis.  Maybe I will say those exact words to her this evening.  Wish me luck!


  4. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html?hp&_r=1

    Sigh: yet another article on men/women, marriage, relationships that makes no mention of FLR.

    I commented and included a link to your post - here's hoping the Times comment editor approves my contribution to the discussion!

    To the publisher/admin. of I'mHers: check your Blogger stats to see if any of the visitor traffic to your blog in the next few days is routed via the NY Times - that would indicate that my comment aroused some curiosity among their readers!

    1. Thanks Anonymous, I appreciate the publicity! I'll check and see if any NY Times folk have been curious enough to look

  5. As far as I know, the NY Times did not publish my comment. I wrote a second comment which also does not appear to have been published (I asked to be notified by email when my comment is published) I contacted the NY Times re: the issue and have not heard back. I asked whether they are censoring comments. My comment was perfectly decent and legit. If the problem for them was that I include your blog link: well, plenty of commentators include a link to their own blog or to those of others. But just in case, in my second comment I simply mentioned the name of your blog as opposed to pasting the entire link.

    Is FLR such a taboo that The NY Times did not want to touch it with a ten foot pole?!

    So do check your Blogger stats - if there has been any visitor traffic from the NY Times, then they DID publish my comment. Unless of course, the comment editors themselves were curious and went to check out your blog!