Sunday, March 30, 2014
I was reading a post the other day in which a man mentioned that he was under the weather and how that affected some of the duties he provided his mistress. I received an email from a submissive man and he commented that he wasn’t feeling very sexual because of a death in his family and the sudden responsibility of having to care for his elderly father.
Those two comments brought to light where ‘submission’ fits in the Maslow hierarchy of life essentials. Submission falls somewhere below those physiological needs of food clothing and shelter and below the need for safety and security. The next level on his chart refers to friends and family and it is probably somewhere in that stage where our submissive or dominant roles within a given friendship/love relationship fall.
It is interesting to note how quickly one can go from feeling dominant or feeling submissive to not feeling that way at all when more pressing and important life events usurp ones feeling of power or the lack thereof. Yet my point to mentioning this and to mentioning the two gentlemen that I referred to above is that regardless of how one feels it doesn’t negate who we are. I may become sick but I will remain Katie’s submissive husband. I may not be able to care for her the way I am able when I am healthy and full of energy but in both of our minds I am still the one without power within our marital bond. Likewise should Katie become ill she will forever be my dominant wife. I will always have to get her approval for decisions that affect me, her or the two of us. That will never change unless she decides it should.
The vow we made when we married solidified our roles and that vow supersedes our emotions, feelings or state of being at any one time. We made a vow and that vow is sacred. It can only be broken should the marriage become broken. Many that love the D/s lifestyle do so because they love the associated feelings of excitement, kink, or newness. Understand that those won’t last forever. The honeymoon period always end as 'new' morphs inevitably into 'normal'. Yet the Mistress will remain the mistress and the submissive/slave will remain as such even when those titillating feelings subside.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Growing up I remember times when we traveled as a family. Dad drove, mom sat beside him and us kids occupied the back seat. Dad’s role was to drive. Our role as kids was to be good and not fight while mom’s role was to keep everyone happy. Later when I grew and married that same setup continued with my marriage and now that I’ve remarried and it is only Katie, we’ve ‘switched’ seats in the car. She drives unless I’m told that I’ll be the designated driver for the evening (which is rare) and I get to sit in the passenger’s seat. Lucky me!
Last weekend was a busy one for us. Katie opted to help a friend and both Saturday and Sunday for six hours each day and that required us to travel over an hour each way – both days. Each evening we had commitments; one was a benefit event for a nonprofit organization and the other was a movie from an organization that tours the country and has showings in one or two places in each of the 50 states. In any event, the weekend required quite a bit of travel and some planning. I of course, was expected to come although Katie asked if I had things to do while she was busy with her friend. I always have stuff to do, so filling six hours is not a problem.
What I wanted to focus on was the thought that my role with Katie is surprisingly identical to my mom’s role when I was a child. During the way there I had to program the GPS, transfer certain ‘essentials’ like makeup, breath mints and a hairbrush from a larger purse to a smaller one. It was my role to make sure she took the right turn when the GPS indicated we were entering an intersection. On one of the days I was told to do some grocery shopping and pick up an item at a local CVS pharmacy. I had to find a radio station that played the kind of music she wanted. When we stopped for a bite to eat one evening at a fast food place, I fixed the ice tea to her liking, fixed a napkin under her neck to keep her top clean and readied her sandwich so she could easily eat it.
This way of functioning during trips is pretty much par for the course. She prefers to drive and so she does. She prefers things certain ways and so my role as her submissive is to do my best to meet her requests. I’ve come to almost automatically do certain things now that I’d never do before submitting. Whenever she mentions an appointment, meeting or other obligation it is now second nature to enter that item in my cell phone calendar with an alarm to remind me at a time she wants. After I dropped her off each day at 10am I left and then set an alarm to make sure I’d return and be back before she wanted me at 4pm each afternoon.
Our relationship as Dominant and submissive has been working like a well oiled machine in most ways that we live now. I’m still learning her ways, her likes, her preferences but they are becoming more natural for me the longer I take care of her needs and observe the way she goes about living.
Having her purse, my laptop, our meal and who knows what else surrounding my feet while sitting in the passenger seat is where I know I will forever be but it is one that I’ve come to thoroughly enjoy. And besides, I can massage her neck and be affectionate when I’m not busy doing something else. I love making her life as rewarding and as satisfying as I can and letting her remain in the drivers seat.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Submissive men like me seem to thrive on being pushed ‘further’ by their mistress. So many blogs are replete with posts addressing this. They want to be humiliated, feminized, punished, worked, made an example of, denied, and give up freedoms with respect to money, power and decision making among others. I believe submissives want continual reminders that they are indeed that – submissive and without power. When Katie says in her forever sweet way, ‘go make me dinner’ or ‘go get the mail’ or if I text her and tell her how much I’m aching for release and she responds by telling me to ‘embrace the feeling’ it feeds my submissive yearnings. It is as if I need that to thrive. Maybe I want it, but in truth, when she nurtures my submission by keeping things at a conscious level, it affects my psyche in such a way that makes me want to serve, dote and be affectionate all the more. I can't explain it but it is a reality for me, at least.
I submitted to Katie some four years ago. One of the first things she did was purchase a chastity device (CB6000) locking me only a few days a week. She always had a fear that I’d get in a car wreck or need to get out for some unexpected reason and so she provided me with a key to unlock if need be. Later when the 6000 broke, she upgraded me to the steel device that I am in now and the time spent in chastity soon exceeded time out. But I have never been locked. I am secured with a screw which can easily be removed with a blade or small screw driver. Although I am denied and locked, there is a feeling that I could escape if I wanted to – and sometimes I do.
After interacting with a friend who is locked similarly (he’s locked but has an emergency key) and learning that his wife attaches one of the CB6000 plastic security tags on his cage to assure he can’t escape without her knowledge I relayed that information to Katie. She decided that I should have a similar fate and so tags were ordered. They are numbered and Katie records the tag number in her phone as a record of the tag that should be attached to my cage whenever she checks. I can still get out, but only by destroying the tag which now can't escape her knowledge. That is a major change. It is so new to me even after being locked for the better part of four years. I am finding it incredibly frustrating.
There were times when I "wanted" a few hours of freedom and in the past I chose to do just that. That option is gone and I wrestle with the realization that she has removed that option. I really am a man now under lock and key without the choice to do as I wish. It makes me feel very much an owned man.
It’s been about 60 days since my last release. Dopamine levels in my system have peaked. My desire for Katie is tantalizingly frustrating, yet wonderful. My loins ache all the time. That ache makes me want to get a few hours of freedom but there is no longer that option. The ache remains. My mind continually goes to her. I feel her ownership in profound ways. I feel very much hers. The realization that I am indeed owned tugs at my mind as I grapple with that reality. I feel very powerless because I am. I want her to allow me to orgasm, yet another part of me wants her to never allow that to happen. I love feeling dependent. I love feeling trapped with no way to escape. I love being under her control. I want to always feel that yearning inside that I am completely hers - even if it causes me frustration, tension and a never ending ache.
Ladies, if you have ever made the choice to not lock up your man because you believed it would hurt him, you are so wrong. You are denying both of you a wonderful gift. The power of the cage is immense and it is exactly what he needs if he is submissive or if you want to cultivate his submissiveness. There is nothing like it that I’ve ever experienced. Maybe a spanking is another such tool that produces similar feelings of vulnerability and an understanding of the difference in the power dynamic between Dominant and submissive but I’ve not been privileged to be spanked so I don’t know.
I can see why so many women who keep a man in a prolonged state denial enjoy being pleasured orally. They can keep their man locked and yet still enjoy his service in other ways. They get to be the recipient of his increased submissiveness and lust as his time of denial remains. She can tease him to spike his dopamine levels but she refuses to push him beyond his breaking point and allow him to orgasm.
Katie prefers more traditional methods of intimacy – intercourse – yet I know that my sensitivity to stimulation is growing. I doubt that I will be able to deny myself as long as before. I think the increased sensitivity and desire will reduce my stamina. I don't want to do succomb to that pleasure but rather wish to provide her with the multiple orgasms that I know she enjoys. My hope is that she will understand this and permit me to pleasure her in other ways while remaiing chaste and denied.
Remaining denied in this heightened state feeds my submissiveness and to be honest, strengthens her will as my dominant wife. It is a win-win dynamic for both of us. For me that psychological dependency fills me with desire like nothing else ever has. I’m aching. I want out. I want release - kind of. It’s up to Katie to remain strong if she wants 'this me’ to continue. If she wants me to remain dependent and understand that she is my owner then she will need to exercise care and wisdom with how she enjoys me while keeping me secure with that little tag that prevents any escape without her permission.
I love the submissive life!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
“Three times is a charm” is an expression I’ve heard over the years and I’m sure there is some truth to it. I titled this post “two times the charm?” after considering the remarks of Kathy (femdom 101) in which she mentioned that she noticed the number of ‘successful’ femdom relationships that involve second marriage partners. That comment got me thinking and I thought of several that are. Then SOS KK’s commented that he and his Mistress are prodigies of a second marriage. I too am another and I have a dear friend that I’ve come to know who via email who is another.
Why is it that ‘we’ have found such love and contentment the second time around? Why is it that Kathy and John are so deeply in love? I don’t think it has anything to do with the number of times one has been married but I do believe it has to do with past relational pain as well the time since one has left the influence of mom and dad and their associated expectations. Let me explain.
I heard a study on TV that noted that 1st and 2nd generation Asian children do better academically than US kids but 3rd generation Asians score no higher. The explanation is children from the first two generations work harder while the 3rd generation kids don’t. Those first two generation families still remember life in the home country and how hard one needed to work to get by and get ahead. Time and distance however softened those expectations by the 3rd generation and as a result they don’t do any better than your kids or mine. Time was the critical variable.
As children, most of us grew up in traditional families. We left home and married within a short time. The values we carried into our marriages were those of our parents. We couldn’t help it. We modeled that which we knew. I believe that is why so few younger couples marry into femdom marriages. It’s so different from what we’re familiar with. But after leaving home, life happens. We realize that we can’t always do it the way mom and dad did all the time. Life is filled with surprises. Pain now rests on our shoulders, not on our parents. We also grow up. We become less insecure and have the courage to self reflect. It took me 50 years to get to that point but I got there. It’s a little easier to gain some perspective when we have the ability to do that. We come to understand what makes us tick and in some instances see that we have submissive or dominant tendencies.
I believe in the cases of all who are products of divorce that the pain of those failed marriages along with a desire to not repeat those same mistakes provided an opportunity for us to consider alternative lifestyles. I can only speak for myself but I came to realize I had submissive qualities. I have often told my boss, ‘just give me a job to do and let me do it’. I enjoy working and I love to serve. I love being appreciated and I especially love it when a woman accepts and appreciates me for who I am or what I was able to do for her. On the other hand, Katie is flat out independent. She is strong willed. She’s principled. She isn’t needy as I am. We complement one another well in those regards.
Kathy and John have been married for years. Divorce has not been part of their history, but they have both experienced significant pain and betrayal. Their past that Kathy has shared so openly forced her to reexamine her role in their marriage. She realized that her husband needed to be ruled. She has mentioned several times that that way of loving another was not one she was familiar with but she grew into it with time.
In the case of Nancy and Dennis (contributors to the worshipping your wife blog) Nancy is the product of a wife led marriage. That was how she was raised. She grew up expecting men to submit and care for the women in the family. It only made sense she looked for a man that reflected the values upon which she was raised. She is comfortable leading and even sought out a submissive man. For her to be a part of a WLM is most likely as normal as it was for me to be a part of a traditional one after leaving home as a teenager.
I envy those couples that have found femdom at a young age. I don’t know if they both parties will want to continue living in such a relationship but I envy them because they are so young. It took me until I was in my 50’s to even know femdom existed. For them to have found it in their twenties is a beautiful thing in my life.
So is two times really the needed charm? I don’t believe it is but I do believe that significant time is needed, away from mom and dad’s influence for a relationship to ever have a chance at succeeding in a femdom dynamic. In some circumstances significant pain or disappointment within the marriage force a reevaluation of where the marriage is and causes one to consider if one party needs to assume control of the other and move away from the traditional marriage dynamic.
Friday, March 7, 2014
As my body ages, things change. Things slow down. Muscles wither, power diminishes, age spots appear, wounds take longer to heal, and my hands, feet, ears, nose and prostate continue to grow. Look at what you ‘youngins’ have to look forward to.
I made a call to a nearby urologist several months ago because my flow was losing some of its ‘oomph’. He prescribed Tamsolusin, a generic of Flomax that he promised would rectify the problem. It did. As an aside he mentioned that I might experience something called retrograde ejaculations and explained that the drug causes the muscles that normally constrict during ejaculation to remain relax and allow semen to travel into the bladder rather than out the penis. He told me that should this occur, the orgasm feelings would still be there but just without the accompanying semen flow.
The next time I was permitted a release guess what happened? Nothing! Oh I felt the sensation associated with an orgasm but nothing came out. It was so weird. Most all of the associated feelings remained but I couldn’t feel the stream traveling outward as it has always done before. I was so bummed. It was as if I was losing part of my manhood. “Geeze, this sucks,” I thought. Katie thought nothing of it but quickly decided to refer to me as ‘Backfire’. I’m so glad she can enjoy a moment of humor at my expense :).
That was several months ago
Last week we were watching the Oscar Award Ceremony and Matthew McConaughey won ‘Best Actor’ for his role in the movie, Dallas Buyers Club. Something at the time made me ask Katie if she had seen him play in the movie Failure to Launch. She replied, “Is that about a guy that can’t ejaculate normally?” She grabbed my groin as she spoke and I got the connection. I just grinned with delight.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Often I will read to Katie portions of blog posts or comments from various bloggers. The other evening I was reading her something in which a man was describing a busy day of work he had courtesy of his wife who had him occupied for most of the day. Katie made an interesting comment after I finished reading, “I would rather have you here with me than be off working all day.”
That sentence gave me a glimpse into what she wants more than anything else – my company and companionship.
All successful relationships are built on love and that love is built on friendship, communication and compatibility. Living as the dominant or submissive (if a couple so chooses to live as such) doesn’t mean that the other prerequisite criteria of a meaningful, loving relationship are no longer important. They always remain important. Yet the specific ways that couples enjoy one another most within a relationship changes and that is something I find so interesting.
For Katie it is time spent with me. We hang out together all the time. We shop together, watch TV together, run errands together, visit friends together, etc and Katie will schedule her day around mine – meaning she tries to not make commitments to leave the house if I am home from work. She actually likes me! I find that pretty cool. So although she does make me cook and maintain the laundry, she does a healthy amount of cleaning around the house while I am gone. My cleaning roles are limited to keeping the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen areas presentable. At times she will have me clean other areas but mostly she takes care of them while I am away. For us this works.
I believe the tension that sometimes exists, especially with men, is a desire to ‘feel’ less than their wife with regard to power and ‘rights’ within the home. I am no different. I enjoy, even desire to have Katie express herself in ways that reinforce who I am as her submissive and the man she owns and loves. But I would dare say that most women prefer their men to love them, care for them, respect them, notice them, speak highly of them, etc., rather than withholding those attitudes because their wife didn’t make them feel submissive or humiliate them.
The tension for me with Katie’s attitude is that I can be pretty lazy given the choice. I enjoy hanging out with her rather than working on a project. Who wouldn’t? I am sure Katie notices that too and has to balance time together with time needed to get things done around the home. That is her responsibility as the one in charge. Mine is to obey and love her as I’ve promised I would.