Sunday, March 2, 2014

How demanding should a Dominant Be – Pt 2

Often I will read to Katie portions of blog posts or comments from various bloggers. The other evening I was reading her something in which a man was describing a busy day of work he had courtesy of his wife who had him occupied for most of the day.  Katie made an interesting comment after I finished reading, “I would rather have you here with me than be off working all day.”
That sentence gave me a glimpse into what she wants more than anything else – my company and companionship.
All successful relationships are built on love and that love is built on friendship, communication and compatibility. Living as the dominant or submissive (if a couple so chooses to live as such) doesn’t mean that the other prerequisite criteria of a meaningful, loving relationship are no longer important. They always remain important.  Yet the specific ways that couples enjoy one another most within a relationship changes and that is something I find so interesting.
For Katie it is time spent with me. We hang out together all the time. We shop together, watch TV together, run errands together, visit friends together, etc and Katie will schedule her day around mine – meaning she tries to not make commitments to leave the house if I am home from work. She actually likes me! I find that pretty cool.  So although she does make me cook and maintain the laundry, she does a healthy amount of cleaning around the house while I am gone.  My cleaning roles are limited to keeping the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen areas presentable.  At times she will have me clean other areas but mostly she takes care of them while I am away.  For us this works.
I believe the tension that sometimes exists, especially with men, is a desire to ‘feel’ less than their wife with regard to power and ‘rights’ within the home.  I am no different. I enjoy, even desire to have Katie express herself in ways that reinforce who I am as her submissive and the man she owns and loves.  But I would dare say that most women prefer their men to love them, care for them, respect them, notice them, speak highly of them, etc., rather than withholding those attitudes because their wife didn’t make them feel submissive or humiliate them.
The tension for me with Katie’s attitude is that I can be pretty lazy given the choice. I enjoy hanging out with her rather than working on a project. Who wouldn’t? I am sure Katie notices that too and has to balance time together with time needed to get things done around the home.  That is her responsibility as the one in charge. Mine is to obey and love her as I’ve promised I would.
I’m Hers


  1. The last comment on your previous post where the commenter reminded us of the distinction Ms Rika offers between the things that belong in the fundamental relationship and those which are part of the D/S caused me to go back to re-read her this weekend, particularly her views of clean submission/service.

    I had lost sight of the purity of the service a submissive offers. Often I think we all get influenced by other blogs and our own desires to be treated as 'less than she', so we fail to recognise being locked in chastity, pantied, collared and leashed etc as gifts based in the fundamental relationship and not part of a service oriented D/S relationship.Like you, I relish feeling owned; it feeds my submissive nature - but being told to 'drop to my knees and worship her feet' is a gift distinct from my service to her.

    I think it is fabulous that Katie loves spending time with you; that's a key building block in your foundational relationship. BTW, IMHO ensuring things get done around the house is yours; you asked to serve her - I don't think it's her job to manage your time :-)

    A big thank you for blogging this and a thank you also to the anonymous commenter who reminded me of what I was trying to achieve.

    1. Tony,
      Always good to hear your thoughts. That was a great post the anonymous man posted. Made me think and caused me to have a heart to heart with Katie. I"m glad he shared. When I mention that it is Katie's responsibility to see that things get done, what I meant by that is that I will often mention things around the house that need doing. For example I mentioned something the other day and today she told me to make time to fix a failing flourenscent light. The little day to day things is my responsibility but the bigger, items I always go through her first because they always take me away from her and she has to approve my being gone to work on this or that.
      Stay well!

  2. Hello again...glad you enjoyed my anonymous post in the previous post. I can't seem to figure out a screen name as Google just keeps defaulting to my email...which I don't want published.

    Anyway, glad my post got you thinking. As slaves...and that's what we are if we're doing it right...we still have those kinky thoughts. I evolved into 24/7 D/s because I originally wanted to whipped by women dressed in heels, garter belts, etc...while being forced to worship their feet. Over time, as I realized my wife really hated doing this, I discovered (with the help of Rika) that I really craved full-time service without all the dominatrix trappings.

    How Demanding should a Dominant be you ask? Extremely demanding would be my answer...but in her own way without putting on an act. It took my wife a bit of time to master this, but she has steadily become what I would call "extremely" and uncompromisingly demanding. Her word is absolute and final. There's no discussion about her orders...just instant obedience on my part. She has learned that she doesn't have to be "mean" or "ugly" to get results. All she has to do is be her sweet self. Her domination is far more effective when she'll slightly smile and quietly tell me that she really enjoys the delicious suffering I'm enduring from a few clothes pins she has "gifted" on my nipples while I do my vacuuming. I don't always get a "gift" like this, but it's definitely a treat when I do.

    We love being together as well...more so than ever and it's because we have adopted the 24/7, D/s lifestyle. My wife commented the other day that she wished I had discovered Rika's book years ago, and that made me happy (and a bit drippy in my device if you know what I mean).

    I love being a "slave" a "knight" a "sub"...whatever you want to call it. And my wife loves having me this way. Our marriage is stronger than ever as a result of this.

    1. Fred, I'm going to call you 'Fred'. Now I have a name to associate with you. See how easy that was? I agree with your answer to the question 'that they should be extremely demanding' but if you read many blogs or read the posts from many a man that is married to a 'timid dominate wife, you realize that most women don't want to be extremely dominant. Rather they want things their way without having to pin clothespins on their husband.
      Dominance takes time to develop for most and Katie is no exception. She is slooowly growing into her comfort level but still isn't like many other more confident dominants. For example, she doesn't punish. She doesn't demand and she is way too patient sometimes and will wait for me to finish what I"m doing rather than say 'stop what you are doing and do what I told you. NOW." I would imagine that those days are coming as she takes baby steps all the time that surprise me. Thanks for sharing Fred. :) Stop by again.

  3. Fred it is...didn't think of that. I'm trying to establish a fine distinction here between my two posts. My wife is "extremely" demanding with or without the clothespins. In truth, she doesn't need to, or particularly want to use them...and she would still have things totally "her way". I don't submit "more" because of the clothespins...I would willingly submit either way. Would I miss these activities should she decide to cease them...absolutely. But that would never alter the fact that we have agreed that serving her is best for our relationship.

    My wife simply acknowledges that I have a kinky side, and I've confessed all of my kinks. She will accommodate that kinky side on occasion in the form of a "gift". It's certainly not a reward, which I never get, or a punishment. She knows it's fun for me and it's something she can do with no effort on her part. But I'm not spoiled with these gifts by a long shot. She knows how appreciative I am to receive them, and that they serve to compliment my submission.

    It does indeed take time for natural Dominance to take its course. We have been married over 30 years. It's taken us that long to find a natural and enjoyable harmony to our lifestyle.

  4. Love the talk about those wonderful gifts,Fred. Those are a special offering of love from your wife. Great topic about how extreme our Domme's should be, IH. My marriage is improving greatly thanks to the wisdom of many here.

    My wife and I have evolved so that now our language of love, and the whole mood of our marriage, is her commanding me, and me jumping quickly to serve her every need! She's not into physically punishing me, but the looks and commands my wife gives are very powerful. We love our friendship and time together; and a glance of approval and a very content "Thank you" tell me when I'm doing things the right way. When I’m not measuring up, the glare of disapproval or disappointment can really hurt me; the one who pledged to cherish, adore, serve and obey my beautiful queen.

    Two of my personal rules in becoming a better sub is, “Don’t ask her for stuff” and “It’s all About Serving Her”. I have to repeat that to myself over and over on some days, but that 24/7 genuine submission and obedience, all done lovingly, is now something to which my Queen has grown quite accustomed. When there are stretches in which I am not getting the overt domination that I crave, I will very humbly and openly ask her for more.

    Our communication has been improving, so I’m getting better at kindly asking her to be more forceful. Once in a while, I’ll tell her, “My goal is to serve you and love you with every fiber of my being, my beautiful, exquisite Goddess, and it fuels me to do a better job when you touch, tease or torment me!” and then I leave it at that. She’ll usually follow up with a few days of fierce commands, a playful slap or nipple pinch. After that, it’s back to looks and unspoken expectations. My third rule of being a better sub is to Be Very, Very Patient.

    Like Fred says, it’s got to be on Her terms. I’ll enjoy whatever means my Queen chooses to exert her authority over me, and at her pace. The whole process of growing into a female-led marriage is worth enjoying, especially if she is happy!


  5. Fred and Scott,
    Not much more I can add to your conversation so I'll simply thank you for sharing and hope others will want to chime in and share their thoughts - adding to the discussion. Thanks men!

  6. Wow- this this thread is a goldmine. All of us sound as if we are in the very same boat, married to wonderful, somewhat timid and reluctantly dominant wives who are assuming that role to meet our needs, though it doesn't flow naturally from them. It's really so encouraging to read what you guys have written.

    Scott talked about our D/s being our love language. So true! There aren't really 5 love languages,- there are 6! That makes all teh sense in the world, and it seems like a GREAT way to help my wife understand.

    1. Antwerp, Glad you could join in the sharing of thoughts. I wouldn't trade a somewhat timid and reluctantly dominant woman for any other type. I love my girl and I'm sure you do too.