Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Is Two Times the Charm?

“Three times is a charm” is an expression I’ve heard over the years and I’m sure there is some truth to it.  I titled this post “two times the charm?” after considering the remarks of Kathy (femdom 101) in which she mentioned that she noticed the number of ‘successful’ femdom relationships that involve second marriage partners. That comment got me thinking and I thought of several that are. Then SOS KK’s commented that he and his Mistress are prodigies of a second marriage. I too am another and I have a dear friend that I’ve come to know who via email who is another.

Why is it that ‘we’ have found such love and contentment the second time around? Why is it that Kathy and John are so deeply in love? I don’t think it has anything to do with the number of times one has been married but I do believe it has to do with past relational pain as well the time since one has left the influence of mom and dad and their associated expectations. Let me explain.

I heard a study on TV that noted that 1st and 2nd generation Asian children do better academically than US kids but 3rd generation Asians score no higher. The explanation is children from the first two generations work harder while the 3rd generation kids don’t. Those first two generation families still remember life in the home country and how hard one needed to work to get by and get ahead.  Time and distance however softened those expectations by the 3rd generation and as a result they don’t do any better than your kids or mine.  Time was the critical variable.

As children, most of us grew up in traditional families. We left home and married within a short time. The values we carried into our marriages were those of our parents. We couldn’t help it. We modeled that which we knew. I believe that is why so few younger couples marry into femdom marriages. It’s so different from what we’re familiar with. But after leaving home, life happens. We realize that we can’t always do it the way mom and dad did all the time. Life is filled with surprises. Pain now rests on our shoulders, not on our parents. We also grow up. We become less insecure and have the courage to self reflect. It took me 50 years to get to that point but I got there. It’s a little easier to gain some perspective when we have the ability to do that. We come to understand what makes us tick and in some instances see that we have submissive or dominant tendencies.

I believe in the cases of all who are products of divorce that the pain of those failed marriages along with a desire to not repeat those same mistakes provided an opportunity for us to consider alternative lifestyles.  I can only speak for myself but I came to realize I had submissive qualities. I have often told my boss, ‘just give me a job to do and let me do it’.  I enjoy working and I love to serve. I love being appreciated and I especially love it when a woman accepts and appreciates me for who I am or what I was able to do for her. On the other hand, Katie is flat out independent. She is strong willed. She’s principled. She isn’t needy as I am. We complement one another well in those regards. 

Kathy and John have been married for years. Divorce has not been part of their history, but they have both experienced significant pain and betrayal. Their past that Kathy has shared so openly forced her to reexamine her role in their marriage. She realized that her husband needed to be ruled. She has mentioned several times that that way of loving another was not one she was familiar with but she grew into it with time.

In the case of Nancy and Dennis (contributors to the worshipping your wife blog) Nancy is the product of a wife led marriage. That was how she was raised. She grew up expecting men to submit and care for the women in the family. It only made sense she looked for a man that reflected the values upon which she was raised. She is comfortable leading and even sought out a submissive man. For her to be a part of a WLM is most likely as normal as it was for me to be a part of a traditional one after leaving home as a teenager.

I envy those couples that have found femdom at a young age. I don’t know if they both parties will want to continue living in such a relationship but I envy them because they are so young. It took me until I was in my 50’s to even know femdom existed. For them to have found it in their twenties is a beautiful thing in my life.
So is two times really the needed charm? I don’t believe it is but I do believe that significant time is needed, away from mom and dad’s influence for a relationship to ever have a chance at succeeding in a femdom dynamic. In some circumstances significant pain or disappointment within the marriage force a reevaluation of where the marriage is and causes one to consider if one party needs to assume control of the other and move away from the traditional marriage dynamic.

I’m Hers


  1. Hi IH,

    Hope you are doing well. Great post! I do agree that, for those of us that grew up in the 60s and 70s, we are products of our upbringing and it takes a long time to finally figure out what we really want and who we really are. I also envy the young couple of today that are discovering the availability of this lifestyle at a younger age. I wish, so much, that we had discovered FLM & Male Chastity at a younger age. I think we can thank a variety of things for this. The internet probably is the biggest thing. Add to that the strides that females have made on the education, political, and business front in the past decade. They are, in general, better educated, more confident, and willing to accept responsibilities today compared with decades past. I think that is, overall, a good thing and the world will be better for it.

  2. Thanks for the thoughts Wishful4. For the two of us, we can't look back - at least not spend lots of time living with regret. What we've lived we've lived. It's done and in the past but not without it's on joys, times of happiness and value. But we have today, and lots of tomorrows to enjoy submitting, serving and slaving for the woman we love and serve. That is a wonderful thought that fits just right in my soul. I'm sure it does in yours as well. Stop by again!

  3. Ok, I am having a difficult time posting here. Not sure why, this is my 3rd attempt.

    I believe this is a great topic, one that hits me so deeply that I believe I will blog about it also from the standpoint of my personal reasons. I agree with everything you have written but think for me there are additional factors as well that might be unique to me. Rather than write a 1000 word response it is probably best to keep that long winded comment to my own blog.

    I will certainly credit your post and hopefully people reading mine will cross over and get the background for the incentive for this.

    Great post I'm Her's, really got me thinking on a Thursday afternoon.

    1. SOS KK, you are a good man. I mean that. I wish you and your Mistress all the happiness a couple could ever wish as you plan for the wedding ahead and your marriage together following. I look forward to reading what you have to say on this topic. Thanks for stopping by.

  4. Hey I'm-Hers,
    Cagedmonkey and I haven't been married before or divorced. I will say that we are on the other side of our marriage. We hit "rock bottom" and it was fix it or divorce.

    We had a lot of support and together cagedmonkey and I found that to be happy www needed to live the roles we naturally fit. Rather than being scared of who we are or trying to be something we aren't because we think the other wants us to be that, we need to just do what comes naturally. It's what our relationship was based on in the beginning but somewhere along the way, having kids, a house, all that got in the way and we thought we had to be something else.

    Not true! So in a way we had an awakening of sorts in our marriage similar to a divorce I suppose. Starting over with a new outlook for ourselves and our marriage.

    Ok anyway... just wanted to say I get it and really like your post! :)

    1. Thanks for sharing. I do realize that not everyone that finds dominance and submission need to go through the pain and heartache of a divorce. You are one such example. Nancy and Dennis (WYW blog) another. Kathy and John (Femdom 101). But there does seem to be a number of 'us' that have and I find that interesting. There also seems to be a number of you - meaning married couples that have gone through a 'near crisis' that turned to femdom and found something to bring their relationship back from the pit of despair. I'm glad you and your caged monkey found such a solution. Thanks for sharing!

  5. It does take a long time to unlearn all the thing society tells you 'must' be a certain way, doesn't it?

    I 'must' say your blog and SOS's have just been perfect back to back compliments on so many subjects lately. I appreciate all of your efforts and am very glad you share your gift of writing syle and thought and the time it takes to display it!

    1. JT, I too am enjoying SOS's blog. Thanks for the koodoos. I'm glad you are enjoying the reads and that they keep you thinking and growing in your own submission.