Wednesday, April 9, 2014
The other day I was feeling down. Katie has been keeping me locked most all the time and the frequency of our times being intimate had dropped significantly. I missed that but could deal with it. There was something deep inside that wants to please her. I want to cook, and do chores, I want to soothe her body with a nice massage, I want to dote over her and look out for her needs when we travel, dine out, or socialize. I also want to satisfy her sexually - regardless if I am locked or not. And so I asked her one evening if I could please her orally. She told me ‘no’ because “it doesn't feel right when I can't also enjoy you inside me afterward.” I realized that I wouldn't be able to do that being locked and it saddened me. It saddened me because I am locked most all the time now – usually six out of seven days each week.
Complicating matters is my past. I have a history of rejection with my first wife. During our last eight years of marriage I may have had sex five times and never made love during the final four years of our marriage. I spent many a time trying to coerce her to open up and become vulnerable sexually but it almost never happened. So when I realized that Katie didn’t want my services because I was locked those old feelings resurfaced and I felt that same rejection. I pulled away. Something hurt somewhere deep inside. It was a feeling I had felt many times before but rarely with Katie. I turned away and we went to sleep feeling emotionally detached. Katie had no idea what was going on or how I was feeling. The issue was with me, but even though I know it’s there it is still hard to suppress my desire to withdrawl most times.
In the morning I told her that I felt sad and explained why. We talked for only a few minutes. Later in the day I had time to call her from work and we talked at length. Again I shared more openly about my feelings; about my desire to please and that I have this immense desire to satisfy a woman orally. For me it is a very submissive act, both because it is a one way action - me giving, she receiving - and because of the physical position of being beneath her. I don’t know why it is but I have a deep yearning for Katie to permit me to pleasure her in this way.
After I shared Katie asked me questions. The fact that she did indicated she was really listening and wanted to understand. We discussed both her wants as well as mine for many minutes. Eventually the subject changed and we moved on to other topics.
After we hung up I felt full of feelings. I wrote her a thank you email expressing that. Later I told her I felt all 'squishy' inside. I had shared from my heart. She had heard me. She too was open and honest having shared her thoughts. When I got home late that evening I told her how I felt. She told me "I got all horny after you hung up and realized I was wet." What a paradox in emotions. Me the submissive husband was feeling vulnerable, close and loved. She the dominant wife who decides how our love making will play out was feeling excited sexually. I couldn't help but smile.
I don't know if anything will change but I do know that she understands me a little better. I know she understands that I am not a typical man. Because I am submissive I have these longings to please that vanilla men don't have, at least not to the same degree. They may do chores because they need doing but I do chores because of the pleasure I know Katie receives by having me do them. They may want sex because of how it will make them feel whereas I approach sex very different than I did before Katie. My desire is to please her without focusing on my pleasure. When we make love, I receive a deep feeling of satisfaction and love. In part, that reward comes because she accepts me; because she wants me; because she views me as worthy of being enjoyed in a most intimate way. That is so different than the rejection I experienced again and again for many years. My desire is to satisfy her in the same similarly to how I care for her when I massage her for an hour or clean the house knowing it will make her happy. I make love more because I want to please her than to satisfy myself, yet I have found that even with this attitude I am profoundly satisfied making love this way.
I appreciate the woman I've married more than I can convey. So much has to do with the openness of our relationship as well as its one-sided dynamic with her in charge.