Friday, April 18, 2014

Perception is Sometimes Everything

I read with interest the post Kathy put up on Femdom 101. If you haven’t read it already I’d encourage you to do so. It is entitled ‘Openness’. It is a post in which Kathy relays to us the reader, her conversation with a woman whose daughter-in-law told her that she and her husband (the mother’s son) will be living as a couple in a “female led relationship” arrangement.  This woman had never heard of this phrase, did some internet exploration and (thankfully) happened upon the Femdom 101 blog. She wrote Kathy and  a conversation ensued.

What struck me was how I felt after reading the Femdom 101 post. I had just written the post ‘Feeling Bla’ where I talked about chastity, denial, orgasm, and post-orgasmic blues. I wondered if this naïve woman to this world of Dominance and submission also happened to read my blogpost.  I hope she didn’t. The fact that she might have bothered me.  Yes I know that I was simply being open and honest. I know that what I was feeling is very common to those of us men in a FLR whose wives’ dictate when a man can or cannot orgasm. Yes I was only relaying ‘biology’ as it impacted male hormones and the associated brain ties to those fluctuating hormone levels. Yes other men feel this way (just read the comments from the post). But the real intent of my blog is not  about a focus on chastity, denial and all of the tangential aspects of a FLR/WLM that some associate with it. Rather I hope to help women like the one that contacted Kathy to see the positives of a WLM and not leave thinking this marital dynamic is nothing more than a kink and perversion. I want her to come to understand that a FLR can be a good thing as long as the basis of the relationship is ‘love focused’ and not ‘play time’ which by its definition, cannot be sustained indefinitely.

I’m not saying that kink is bad. I am not saying that if you live in a traditional marriage that you made the wrong choice. I am not saying that a FLR is bad. Many couples have ‘fun’ in private regardless of the power dynamics of their relationship and what they do in private, as long as it is respectful and consensual is fine in my mind. Yet when ‘outsiders’ like this woman read about femdom, WLM and FLR what I hope they read is information that goes to the very core – the very heart – of healthy femdom relationships. For me that essential trait, about which all else revolves is love. It has always been about love for me. Even the fact that Katie locks me in chastity is about love. The fact that she denies me has love at its heart. The reason I defer to her and do chores so she needn’t worry about as much has love at its core. Everything about our relationship is about building bridges of communication and interaction and intimacy and friendship and the ability to laugh and cry and love and hurt together. The fact that Katie happens to be the one who makes final decisions is so secondary to all that. There is no fear of abuse (that I feel) from my end of being very powerless. I know in my heart that Katie, above all else, loves me.  Furthermore I know that ‘the honeymoon’ ends when the newness and freshness and attentiveness of one partner toward another loses its intensity and focus.  Yet it is my belief that that very change doesn’t need to happen in relationships and that is the reason why I wanted to submit to Katie. I didn’t want our honeymoon to end. I hope it never ends. I hope I will spend April 18, 2020 with the same focus, love and want to be with her as April 18 of this year.

So if the woman that contacted Kathy reads this blog post I hope she can leave with the hope that her son and her new daughter-in-law love one another. I hope she can see that, and from the little Kathy shared with us I believe she can. I hope that she can see that the desire of her son as well as her new daughter is to remain in love. I hope that she can see the strength it took for her new daughter to care enough to have the conversation she did with her new mother.  I hope she can see in the days ahead just how much her son loves his new wife and continually expresses that love by the services he provides to her and for her. I hope that she can step back and realize that just because her son stands when his wife enters the room, just because he might be the one that does the wash or fetches food during socials or does other numerous chores, that he does so because of his love to his new bride. 

A female led relationship CAN be a beautiful thing. It really can.  My wife Katie lived for years with the mindset of the woman that wrote Kathy. She had no idea what a FLR even was. She lived as a traditional ‘mostly’ stay-at-home mom. And yet it is Katie that would tell her if this woman ever wrote Katie that she’d “never go back to living in a traditional marriage arrangement ever again”.  It is why she insisted that I include the words ‘obey’ in our marriage vow. It is why she insisted that I vow to submit to her as a part of our marriage vow. It is a promise that we both wanted because we both knew it was the best way for us to remain deeply in love as a married couple.  There is no evil in how we live. There is nothing illegal or wrong or perverted or bad. The only difference is that Katie decides and I do not. I obey but Katie is free. I serve and Katie is the recipient of my services.  What is so scary about living like that?

I hope this woman might do some more exploration and happen to find this post. This is the kind of post that she needs to read in a hundred different places on the web and not dwell on those filled with nudity, leather, red buttocks, men locked in chastity and so forth.  FLR is about love – period.  All the other stuff that happens to be a part of the day-to-day living of any particular couple living in a FLR is up to that couple. 

Ma’am, if you happen to read and are curious to correspond with a man who views a marriage in ways similar to Kathy’s marriage, I invite you to email. I’d be happy to share any thoughts you might have.

I’m Hers

9 comments:

  1. These kind of relationships (FLM, FLR, FemDomme) are either based in kink, or they are based in love. The former is a typical relationship that is short lived because the desire for kink eventually become sated. The latter is a relationship that grows stronger over time automatically. In my marriage, I knew when I asked my wife to accept the gift of my submission, the control of my orgasms and the use of my body in any she found pleasure, it was because I was certain tha I could in fact get genuine pleasure from providing her pleasure. For me, it is because I love her.

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    1. Phx hubby, I wish that your comment, and the comment below from Ms Kathy was the predominant 'voice' when women like the one I referred to go to the web and look for information. Sadly it isn't. Sadly it is the kink that stirs the hormones and wallets of men looking for a cheap visual thrill. Yet Kathy is so right in her recent posts (plural) about the real need in many men to serve a woman. It is how we ALL start - we ALL start by courting them and that is in itself serving. We woo them and that is a form of submission. For some men, they gain the most security and receive the most reward by continuing on in that same kind of service. What better gift can a man give than his entire self to the woman he loves? Thanks SHiP (hey, it makes a word!)

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  2. For Sub Hub

    In my opinion that is a very accurate comment. There is nothing wrong with a little kink in a relationship, but it should not be the 'basis' of why two people are together. Beyond the honeymoon a man must have a certain contentment about is life. If you will a sense of joy that comes from living with a mistress who loves and cares for him. It is Saturday morning. As I type this comment John has brought me a refill of my morning coffee. He is the middle of Saturday morning house cleaning.
    He enjoys doing these chores because he is doing them for me. This afternoon he will be on the golf course, but his morning he is working as my slave. Love, Kathy

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    1. It too is a Saturday morning and I am making coffee as well. Katie is dressing and I am about to start my 'Saturday routine'. We also made love. Of course I was denied and would have it no other way while she experienced several peaks that I was kept from enjoying myself. I serve her, as you say, because it is a beautiful way of expressing my love. I focus on her pleasure - above my own - as a way for her to best enjoy those close times of intimay. I hope you two both have a wonderful weekend in the deep south. I thoroughly enjoy corresponding with you and reading your blog.

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  3. I am going to see this in a more simplistic light. There are certain things you will never be able to get certain people to understand.

    There is nothing wrong with kink, love or anything else that goes with and FLR but no matter how you explain it some people won't get it. Don't worry if they don't, its not for them. Your blog about your feelings after your orgasm is your truth. If that woman read it then so be it.

    Her feelings should be more towards if her daughter in law and son are happy. Not about what happens in your relationship with Katie and apply it to others.

    I get your point but your blog is about the honesty in your relationship. For those who don't understand then they just won't understand.

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    1. SOS KK, Good to hear from you. Yes, and I get your point too. But let's step back for a second. If you were told all about life in a FLR - all at once - or was only told that you'd be denied months at a time - wouldn't it shock you too? That was my concern. My desire is to help people see that living in submission to a woman is a good thing. I want women to understand that normal men like you and I can live this way happily. I didn't want this woman's first impression to be my blog post and thinking - geez, this is some weird stuff. That's all.

      I wish you well.

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  4. Kathy's post features a wonderful dialogue between a Mother-in-Law to be and a very sweet adviser on Female Led Relationships, and could serve as a model on how to discuss that topic with others. I am proud of that young bride for discussing her role in the marriage. My wife and I haven't shared our relationship details with friends and family, but I'm pretty sure they see it in action, and do marvel at how loving we we are to each other after 29 years of marriage!

    It has taken me a while to learn that love is the center of a great FLR, and working beyond the kink and play time can lead a couple to the powerful bonds of intimacy, joy, trust and adventure that only love can provide. My dear wife is becoming an exquisite and gracious queen, whom I love more every day. I joyfully serve her with housecleaning, cooking, laundry, maintenance, romance and loving attentive service. We don't do a lot of D & S playtime, but my queen is finally coming to understand that I am sincere in emphasizing that what happens in life, and in the bedroom, is completely for her pleasure and fulfillment. She smiles a lot more now, and is more willing to bestow little gifts of dominance over me!

    My beautiful and intelligent wife is embracing her role of leading me and our family, and has never been more complete as a person, growing more powerful and more feminine in the process. I give thanks to God for that, and I appreciate your reminder, I'm Her's, that FLR'a are about love, period.

    Scott

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    1. Scott, What a perfect comment. Your words are an example to all of what 'can' be in a FLR. I feel as you do and I'm sure others do as well. Thanks for sharing.

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    2. Thanks I'm-Hers. Never thought things I learned on a blog would save my marriage and help me realize what kind of exquisite creature I am married to. God is good!

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