Friday, April 18, 2014
Perception is Sometimes Everything
I read with interest the post Kathy put up on Femdom 101. If you haven’t read it already I’d encourage you to do so. It is entitled ‘Openness’. It is a post in which Kathy relays to us the reader, her conversation with a woman whose daughter-in-law told her that she and her husband (the mother’s son) will be living as a couple in a “female led relationship” arrangement. This woman had never heard of this phrase, did some internet exploration and (thankfully) happened upon the Femdom 101 blog. She wrote Kathy and a conversation ensued.
What struck me was how I felt after reading the Femdom 101 post. I had just written the post ‘Feeling Bla’ where I talked about chastity, denial, orgasm, and post-orgasmic blues. I wondered if this naïve woman to this world of Dominance and submission also happened to read my blogpost. I hope she didn’t. The fact that she might have bothered me. Yes I know that I was simply being open and honest. I know that what I was feeling is very common to those of us men in a FLR whose wives’ dictate when a man can or cannot orgasm. Yes I was only relaying ‘biology’ as it impacted male hormones and the associated brain ties to those fluctuating hormone levels. Yes other men feel this way (just read the comments from the post). But the real intent of my blog is not about a focus on chastity, denial and all of the tangential aspects of a FLR/WLM that some associate with it. Rather I hope to help women like the one that contacted Kathy to see the positives of a WLM and not leave thinking this marital dynamic is nothing more than a kink and perversion. I want her to come to understand that a FLR can be a good thing as long as the basis of the relationship is ‘love focused’ and not ‘play time’ which by its definition, cannot be sustained indefinitely.
I’m not saying that kink is bad. I am not saying that if you live in a traditional marriage that you made the wrong choice. I am not saying that a FLR is bad. Many couples have ‘fun’ in private regardless of the power dynamics of their relationship and what they do in private, as long as it is respectful and consensual is fine in my mind. Yet when ‘outsiders’ like this woman read about femdom, WLM and FLR what I hope they read is information that goes to the very core – the very heart – of healthy femdom relationships. For me that essential trait, about which all else revolves is love. It has always been about love for me. Even the fact that Katie locks me in chastity is about love. The fact that she denies me has love at its heart. The reason I defer to her and do chores so she needn’t worry about as much has love at its core. Everything about our relationship is about building bridges of communication and interaction and intimacy and friendship and the ability to laugh and cry and love and hurt together. The fact that Katie happens to be the one who makes final decisions is so secondary to all that. There is no fear of abuse (that I feel) from my end of being very powerless. I know in my heart that Katie, above all else, loves me. Furthermore I know that ‘the honeymoon’ ends when the newness and freshness and attentiveness of one partner toward another loses its intensity and focus. Yet it is my belief that that very change doesn’t need to happen in relationships and that is the reason why I wanted to submit to Katie. I didn’t want our honeymoon to end. I hope it never ends. I hope I will spend April 18, 2020 with the same focus, love and want to be with her as April 18 of this year.
So if the woman that contacted Kathy reads this blog post I hope she can leave with the hope that her son and her new daughter-in-law love one another. I hope she can see that, and from the little Kathy shared with us I believe she can. I hope that she can see that the desire of her son as well as her new daughter is to remain in love. I hope that she can see the strength it took for her new daughter to care enough to have the conversation she did with her new mother. I hope she can see in the days ahead just how much her son loves his new wife and continually expresses that love by the services he provides to her and for her. I hope that she can step back and realize that just because her son stands when his wife enters the room, just because he might be the one that does the wash or fetches food during socials or does other numerous chores, that he does so because of his love to his new bride.
A female led relationship CAN be a beautiful thing. It really can. My wife Katie lived for years with the mindset of the woman that wrote Kathy. She had no idea what a FLR even was. She lived as a traditional ‘mostly’ stay-at-home mom. And yet it is Katie that would tell her if this woman ever wrote Katie that she’d “never go back to living in a traditional marriage arrangement ever again”. It is why she insisted that I include the words ‘obey’ in our marriage vow. It is why she insisted that I vow to submit to her as a part of our marriage vow. It is a promise that we both wanted because we both knew it was the best way for us to remain deeply in love as a married couple. There is no evil in how we live. There is nothing illegal or wrong or perverted or bad. The only difference is that Katie decides and I do not. I obey but Katie is free. I serve and Katie is the recipient of my services. What is so scary about living like that?
I hope this woman might do some more exploration and happen to find this post. This is the kind of post that she needs to read in a hundred different places on the web and not dwell on those filled with nudity, leather, red buttocks, men locked in chastity and so forth. FLR is about love – period. All the other stuff that happens to be a part of the day-to-day living of any particular couple living in a FLR is up to that couple.
Ma’am, if you happen to read and are curious to correspond with a man who views a marriage in ways similar to Kathy’s marriage, I invite you to email. I’d be happy to share any thoughts you might have.