Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I had aha moment a several weeks ago. I came to see just how much I wish to have Katie take me completely. I need less freedom. I need more accountability. I need to be broken and made to make her my first priority, putting my wants second. I need to gain a healthy fear of her, similar to the way a child both loves and fears a parent. (As Kathy would call this, I desire for Katie to completely snuff out any 'pocket of resistance' left in me. That to me is synonymous with 'being broken'.)
I wrote a friend explaining all this and he cautioned me to be careful what I wish for and indeed his words may be true. But Katie is no tyrant and never will be so I don’t fear I’ll be sleeping in the basement or be sent naked outside in mid-January to stand while she watches me from the warmth of the kitchen while sipping hot chocolate. That just isn’t her.
I wrote Katie some time ago. What I wanted her to understand was the immense value her expression of dominance has on our relationship. I wanted her to see inside my head exactly how I perceive power, when it comes from her and is directed my way. Contrary to how she’s been raised and how she has lived for over 50 years as a mild-mannered, conservative and graceful woman is the fact that some men, me specifically, feel loved when dominated by a wife who rules them with a firm hand. I don’t know that I got through to her. She did mention that she wasn’t sure she could be that person since it is such a different way of acting. She told me she didn’t want to be a bitch, something she expressed years before when we first considered this lifestyle.
I thought much about the letter, its intent, her response and the possibilities the following day. I am not asking for Katie to be mean and I think she understands that. I told her I could list at least ten ways her attitude and values have changed since assuming headship. They ranged from the tentative approach to putting me in chastity to now enjoying me locked and not worrying about how long I remain chaste, to leaving trash or messes on the floor for me to take care of and so much more. She has changed. She has come to accept and enjoy her position as the head of our home but she has cowered from any physical punishment or harsh/direct words.
I believe dominance is about making it clear that the woman has ultimate power and has the freedom to use it in whatever way she sees fit. Within our marriage, there are limits to her use of power as she vowed to always love me. Yet that doesn’t preclude her from causing me pain and ‘pain’ can come in many forms. It needn’t be physical at all to have a point driven home. And pain is not something that is new to either of us.
After all, I feel some pain each morning when aroused with the chastity appliance on. She doesn’t shy away from that anymore. She has no problem telling me I can’t reach orgasm when we make love. When I ask it’s almost always a direct ‘no’. Other times I feel the bite of humility when Katie tells me to “do this”, or “put that away”, or when told “no, I don’t want that”. I’m much more use to that type of direct language than when we first started, but it still does give me pause when I don’t expect it. Loving me doesn’t preclude her from making me do something unpleasant. It doesn’t mean she can’t have me do some mundane task and then do it all over again five more times for no other reason than because she wants to make a point or simply to have a little fun at my expense. It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t cause me pain because I disobeyed a command or repeatedly refused to comply with something she’s wanted me to do.
To me the larger question that really should be going through her head is what message is she sending me when she does nothing? Doing nothing is really doing something. What message do we send a child that bullies another if we look away? What message do we send a co-worker that steels items from work if we fail to confront them? Silence is a gigantic message and it’s not always the best to remain silent or tolerate actions or words one disagrees with.
I wonder if she is ready to take another step forward as a dominant woman. I am hoping she can shed past expectations that ‘being this way’ are bad for our marriage and see instead how extending her control will make our bond of love even stronger. We don’t have a marriage like most. Most don’t live in a femdom marriage so at the very core we live with different values than most. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if she will try; if she will experiment. I don’t know if she will see that discipline, setting firm limits, spelling our rules and demanding greater conformity can be good – even needed – changes that will benefit both of us.
I hope she views herself as a confident, loving caring woman who cares enough to keep her marriage fresh and her husband accountable to her in every facet of his life. I hope she sees the value, as well as the playfulness of reminding me that she has ultimate power and can use that power to remind me that she is the Mistress wife and I am her owned submissive. There is only one way to know if a submissive man will obey without question and that is to test him. We test all the time in all aspects of life to see if we have reached a level of proficiency or expertise. Why not apply the same to a D/s lifestyle. I only hope that Katie will.
Time will tell.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
This is the second of a series of posts on the topic of a desire I have to be dominated more completely.
I’m getting older. With age comes wisdom, but in my case it also comes with ignorance. I need to make an apology. I’ve been critical of Dennis and some of his posts on the Worshipping your Wife blog. I commented recently how one of his posts irked me because I couldn’t see ‘love’ for his wife nor she for him in their writings. Their posts all seemed to be about rules and regulations and I was blind to any sign of affection amidst his or Nancy’s (his Mistress wife) posts.
And then my eyes were opened and they were opened independently of something I recently read on that blog. It just happened. The previous post here had to do with me coming to understand just how loving it is to feel a woman’s dominance. I think I knew this all along at some level – actually knew it well but there was a part of me that failed to see it in others the way I felt it when experienced myself. Furthermore I have enjoyed holding onto some of my freedoms while still submitting to Katie, kind of like wanting to have my cake and eat it too. My feelings are changing. I’m realizing the value of being broken by her (if that is the correct word). I know that by becoming completely hers, by being more accountable, by reframing my view of ‘whose first’ to be Katie at all times, by conforming to her will strengthen our bond. I want to give myself more fully (or should I say completely) to her.
I failed to see Nancy’s control of Dennis as expressions of love. When one of them spoke of Nancy keeping track of him while at work, monitoring his whereabouts using a smartphone app, meeting him at the front door and inspecting the contents of his wallet before he even entered the home, making sure a female chaperone led a ‘guys night out’ meeting, etc. I interpreted those examples his wife as ones of overbearing control and disrespect. Now I see that they were very much gifts of love, expressions of care, and support to the man she loves. When she tells him to dress a certain way, clean a certain way, immediately attend to her or her mother when a bell is rung, I could relate at some level but another part of me rebelled from such control. It seemed too comprehensive, too restrictive, too mistrusting. At the time I couldn’t see nor understand the care and love it took on Nancy’s part to love him enough to make sure he was doing as he was told. Now I see. Dennis, I think I understand now. I apologize for my ignorance. I apologize for failing to see the love that Nancy and her Mother gave you on a daily basis.
And now I am craving the same thing. To feel a collar snapped around my neck; to be referred to as ‘my sub’; to have my cell messages checked to see if I’ve been texting while driving; to be told to sit on the floor while talking to her; to be told to stand in the corner as punishment for a wrong done, gosh I ache for that kind of control. I ache for that kind of fun! Yes fun. Although there is a level of seriousness in all we do as Mistress and sub, there is a bit of fun and intimacy as well – or at least there could be. When Katie tells me to ‘go cook dinner’ it’s a serious command. She wants to eat, but she also is phrasing it to remind me (and her) of the power differential to which we’ve both committed. I now understand that what a Mistress demands is in no way an expression of disrespect or intended to belittle. It’s the polar opposite. They are expressions of love. They are conscious actions given – maybe done to add a bit of fun and spice to a relationship, maybe to remove any concern or suspicion she might have, or maybe because her submissive needs to be corrected.
It’s amazing to realize just how foolish I can be. I forget sometimes just how new I am to living in submission to a woman that is also new to living as a dominant. We are both still learning, still growing and by no means understand this life nearly as well as those of you that have lived it for so many years. Maybe next time I will know better and withhold judgment until I look at things from angles other than my own current perspective.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
I’ve had lots going through my mind in recent days. Another ‘light’ has gone on inside my head – one of those “this is who I am” revelations. A comment on a recent blog mentioned the word ‘surrender’ (thanks JT) and that started the ball rolling. Then there was a comment in a Femdom 101 post when Kathy mentioned she expects her husbands’ ‘unquestioning obedience’. Then there was the discovery of Mistress and Her Life Long submissive blog that really got me thinking. And then there was a memory of an encounter I had with a woman prior to meeting Katie that I had completely forgotten. We interacted for a week and it was the first time I had met a woman who thought only about herself and wanted to use me to satisfy her needs. We never met but the interaction was life changing. The thought of women being ‘that’ way and men (not women) being used by females blew me away. My encounter with her was the catalyst that started my journey to a life of submission.
What I now know is that feeling dominated or being dominated is indeed a love language. I never thought of love in that way before. I know I must have but for some reason the impact of that knowledge is significant. In the world of the five love languages dominance would probably be categorized as the love language in which a gift is being given. I’ve only viewed that love language to mean physical gifts – stuff. Call it what you will but given the choice of adding a Milwaukee or Dewalt power tool to my collection or being overwhelmed by my wife’s dominance – even if only for a few minutes – I think the decision is quite easy to make. I’ll take Katie in a heartbeat.
What has been difficult for me has been getting Katie to see this. She loves my service. She loves my love for her. She does tell me to do certain things but she has never quite taken complete ownership of me. I want that. I think I need that. During the past few weeks I’ve written an email or two to her while at work expressing that desire. We’ve not talked much about it but at one point she did mention that she didn’t want to be mean to me. That comment is revealing. I mentioned that when we started all this she had those same feelings when it came to locking me, making me cook all the meals, clean the kitchen, do all the laundry, etc. Now she doesn’t give those a second thought. Just yesterday I walked into the bathroom. The laundry basket was overflowing and I should have made time to do a load or two earlier in the week. When I walked in yesterday, clothes and towels were tossed all over the bathroom floor. I wondered if she was giving me a hint that I needed to do wash. What I later learned was she was looking for a black pair of jeans and couldn’t find them! She rifled through the laundry and being the dominant woman she is, didn’t think twice about whether leaving the mess for me was being ‘mean’. She has moved away from being so sensitive about how her actions impact me but that sensitivity is still there.
I told her today that if she ever does something that I consider being mean, I’ll tell her. I think she heard me but I’ll probably mention it again to reassure.
So I’ve been struggling with being completely dominated. I’ll write a few more posts on this in the blogs ahead. The writing is good for me. It helps me process my thoughts and when Katie reads the post to approve them they sometimes stimulate discussion. In the meantime I am in many ways a content man, but in some ways a man that wishes for more. Whether or not she takes me and makes me hers will be up to her of course. I hope she does. I think she will benefit from the taking
Thursday, May 8, 2014
I struggled a bit with the title of this post partly because Katie is not the kind of a woman to walk me into the bathroom, pull out cleaning agent X and brush Y and show me how she wants Z cleaned. It’s not her. It’s not her style. She’s more likely to tell me, “clean the bathroom” and leave it at that. She has directed me with some specifics like, “I don’t want this cotton sweater dried”, or “I want my bras washed in a lingerie bag” or “I don’t want you to put green peppers into my food” but she’s not one to demonstrate and then have me repeat.
Added to this is that I am a guy that tends not to rebel. I’ve never been that kind of a person. I’m not saying that I haven’t gotten into my share of mischief and trouble but I’ve been smart enough to keep that info away from my folks when I was young and others when I got older. My tendency is also one that desires to please others. I’m not a conflict guy but one that would rather do something right the first time and be done with it than to do it carelessly and have to be confronted later as to why I didn’t put my all into it.
Katie has changed me since I first submitted to her authority. She’s changed me in a hundred ways. When I think back to the old me I sometimes marvel at who I am now. She’s changed me but I have also changed myself by making deliberate choices to become a better man and one that she can be proud of. I wrote a list some of those changes below. Many came after reading Rika’s book when I presented Katie with a list of chores I wanted to do if she’d accept my offer to serve in various ways. Other came about when Katie later modified some of those initial offers. Still others came later when she gained more confidence leading and really took charge of me as a submissive and our home as a Dominant woman now in charge of all. Finally, I changed. I wanted to submit and I fully embraced my submission and acted accordingly.
Living under a new core value helped me (and still helps me) to understand that we are a unique couple. We both realize that very few, if any, of our friends live intentionally as we do. Living in a femdom (Female dominated) marriage necessitates a reframing of who I am as a man and what it is that I now hold preeminent. (It also necessitated who Katie is as my wife and the responsibility she now has as the one who directs and leads.)
In all cases Katie has held me to my commitments and has slowly added to them. There is more that I could do for her but she has chosen to balance my time spent working, cleaning or performing upkeep on the home with time spent with her. She values our time together and because she does she spends a fair amount of time working with the up of our home as well. I wish she'd allow me to do more but I understand the value of ‘together time’ and I have come to accept that and let her decide as she sees fit.
Ok so here is my list. Broke it down into two sections with the first noting changed or modified attitudes and values and the second being a list of some if the services/chores I do.
I have been trained to:
- View sexual intimacy as an opportunity to excite and satisfy her rather than a way to self-pleasure
- Embrace chastity and extended periods of denial knowing it results in a more attentive, responsive and doting lover
- Obey her words without question
- Hold my tongue and not provoke arguments
- Speak openly and honestly when my views are sought.
- Defer decisions to Katie yet be honest when asked to provide my opinion.
- Always cast Katie in a positive light especially when with others
- Remain patient. Defer and let her make decision on her timetable – not mine.
- Embrace her decisions
- Adore, dote and pamper
- Lavish her with touches, complements and affection.
- Never question her use of money (all of which is in her bank accounts).
- Serve her by attending to her needs and wishes whenever we are together whether that is at home or out.
- Open doors (generally be a considerate gentleman)
- Assume full responsibility with regard to cooking, cleaning up and maintaining kitchen cleanliness
- Do the laundry, put clean clothes away afterward, and keep Katie’s closet clean and orderly
- Make the bed and change and wash the sheets
- Pick up around the house.
- Obey orders when directed to do chores
- Keep her calendar and provide reminders with ample notice
- Carry groceries, luggage and other items from point A to point B and do so without having to be told.
- Ask before making a purchase
- Serve Katie when out
- Not touch the remote
- Sit in the passenger seat when we travel and take care of her needs
- Push shopping cart, carry bags, sweaters, coats, etc when out shopping
- Prepare the bathroom after we are through with it each morning so it is clean and ready to be used again without her having to fetch items like towels, wash cloths, clean underwear, etc
- Cuddle her at night and throughout the night as my consciousness permits
I’m sure I could mention other examples but you get the idea. Conceptually one could categorize these changes as ones in which she has taught me to be more of a gentleman, more patient, more obedient, more considerate, and more adoring and attentive to her needs and wants. Second she has taught me to be more intentional about keeping the house clean and in order.
In reference to doing more around the house one might ask if that means I do ‘too much’ work around the house. It does but it doesn't. It depends on your perspective. I often think back to when I was single and ‘did it all’ so for me to do more than she does is still less than everything. And besides, the reward of being ‘her man’ the way she likes it is without compare. I love my wife and she really has taught and shown me how to love and what it means to put a woman first – to raise her to the point of worshiping her as somewhat of a goddess. When we first met I knew I had discovered a rare jewel and my love and appreciation for the special woman she has become since embracing femdom has only deepened that affection.
I was reading aloud a portion of the book “Real Women Don’t Do Housework” while we drove some distance to an event. The author stated that all husbands should adore their wives if for no other reason than she is his wife. So I posed the question asking if she feels as if I adore her enough. Without a moments’ hesitation she told me I did. Responses like that feed my desire to do more (as I know I can do more) If you are a married slave/submissive I know you can identify with my emotion. I only hope the training continues. It is the training, her spot checking of my work, her constructive criticism of a job well done or one that needs to be improved, her complimenting exemplary behavior on our way home after a social outing, her verbalizing her satisfaction of my body and how it satisfies her that I hope never ends.
My kids had a great music teacher who always told them, “You are never staying the same. You are either getting better or getting worse and it all depends on whether or not you practice.” The same can be said about training a submissive husband. He must continue to serve, but she must remain attentive to that service and always check, reward, admonish and correct him so that he understands that he is an owned man that must meet her standards at all times. A femdom lifestyle can never be static or it will fail. It needs continual attention but that is what makes it so precious and unique.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
OK, I had to work Saturday – at least for several hours. I needed to travel Friday and so I wouldn’t be home that evening. Katie had planned an evening out with friends on Saturday evening so I had to think ahead with respect to the chores that needed attending to. Mostly I needed to make sure the bed sheets were changed on Friday before I left for work (and for my overnight).
Katie left early on Friday so I was home alone. I threw the sheets in the wash, and then promptly got distracted. As I was about to leave for work I realized I had forgotten to dry then and make the bed. Agghhh!! I had to get this done. Katie would be home alone and the bed was naked. I ran to the washer, threw the sheets in and waited, and waited. I looked on the dial settings for a higher heat setting but there was none. Ugh!
Now if I wasn’t Katie’s sub I would have simply left the sheets in the dryer and left a note telling her I had forgotten to dry them, had to leave for work and told her she needed to make the bed. Now that I am her sub that alternative won’t cut it. That is not an option anymore. Now, she takes priority over my stupidity even if it means showing up later for work than I intended. Twenty minutes later the dryer informed me the sheets were dry. I ran up the stairs, made the bed, pulled up the blankets and added the pillows. Done!
Then it was off to work – in a hurry. Oh how the little things seem to suddenly gain sudden importance when a man’s life changes because he vowed to submit, obey and do his chores. Luckily I had done all of the other needed wash on Thursday and had those clothes dried, folded and put away the evening before.
I sped to work, kept my speed under control and made it without incident or an appointment missed. I hope you have a great weekend. I know I will. I just returned and it’s late on a Saturday afternoon. I’ve had a glass of wine, now have a small buzz and Katie looks absolutely delicious. I can’t keep my paws off of her.
Have a great weekend.