Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Greater Control? A Discussion Started

I’ve had lots going through my mind in recent days. Another ‘light’ has gone on inside my head – one of those “this is who I am” revelations.  A comment on a recent blog mentioned the word ‘surrender’ (thanks JT) and that started the ball rolling. Then there was a comment in a Femdom 101 post when Kathy mentioned she expects her husbands’ ‘unquestioning obedience’. Then there was the discovery of Mistress and Her Life Long submissive blog that really got me thinking. And then there was a memory of an encounter I had with a woman prior to meeting Katie that I had completely forgotten.  We interacted for a week and it was the first time I had met a woman who thought only about herself and wanted to use me to satisfy her needs. We never met but the interaction was life changing.  The thought of women being ‘that’ way and men (not women) being used by females blew me away. My encounter with her was the catalyst that started my journey to a life of submission. 
What I now know is that feeling dominated or being dominated is indeed a love language.  I never thought of love in that way before. I know I must have but for some reason the impact of that knowledge is significant. In the world of the five love languages dominance would probably be categorized as the love language in which a gift is being given.  I’ve only viewed that love language to mean physical gifts – stuff.  Call it what you will but given the choice of adding a Milwaukee or Dewalt power tool to my collection or being overwhelmed by my wife’s dominance – even if only for a few minutes – I think the decision is quite easy to make. I’ll take Katie in a heartbeat.
What has been difficult for me has been getting Katie to see this. She loves my service. She loves my love for her. She does tell me to do certain things but she has never quite taken complete ownership of me.  I want that. I think I need that. During the past few weeks I’ve written an email or two to her while at work expressing that desire.  We’ve not talked much about it but at one point she did mention that she didn’t want to be mean to me.  That comment is revealing.  I mentioned that when we started all this she had those same feelings when it came to locking me, making me cook all the meals, clean the kitchen, do all the laundry, etc. Now she doesn’t give those a second thought.  Just yesterday I walked into the bathroom. The laundry basket was overflowing and I should have made time to do a load or two earlier in the week.  When I walked in yesterday, clothes and towels were tossed all over the bathroom floor. I wondered if she was giving me a hint that I needed to do wash.  What I later learned was she was looking for a black pair of jeans and couldn’t find them! She rifled through the laundry and being the dominant woman she is, didn’t think twice about whether leaving the mess for me was being ‘mean’.  She has moved away from being so sensitive about how her actions impact me but that sensitivity is still there.
I told her today that if she ever does something that I consider being mean, I’ll tell her. I think she heard me but I’ll probably mention it again to reassure.
So I’ve been struggling with being completely dominated.  I’ll write a few more posts on this in the blogs ahead. The writing is good for me. It helps me process my thoughts and when Katie reads the post to approve them they sometimes stimulate discussion.  In the meantime I am in many ways a content man, but in some ways a man that wishes for more. Whether or not she takes me and makes me hers will be up to her of course. I hope she does. I think she will benefit from the taking
I’m Hers

18 comments:

  1. Great post. I think this is very normal too for you to feel the desire to be owned on an even deeper level by your Mistress Wife. Usually when a submissive gets the chance to really submit it will ultimately fuel the fire for them wanting to submit more and more. I hope Katie takes Into consideration what you hope for and decides on some ways that make her happy and can help you feel even more owned.

    Truly this is the reason I've taken to feminizing David. It really has nothing to do with me wanting to own a woman or a she male etc. I found once I pushed the right buttons with this femming that the effect it had on him is what I am after. It makes him an even better submissive. He is more pleasing to me, more horny and it got deeper into his mind than anything else. I want to own him completely and have him feel ad submissive as possible to me and the feminizing is just a tool to take us there together. And it helps that I can fully wrap my head around the balance of involving the feminizing while still being a normal couple too.

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    1. Mistress Marie, I admire you for a variety of reasons, first because you have found D/s in your youth, second because you have embraced D/s, third because you love David and for how you have kept an open mind throughout your relationship with him during the entire process. If there were more women out there your age that would take that step of faith and assume control there'd be many more happy/content men as well.

      Your thoughts about being open to femming David - your version of taking greater control- is wonderful. You are giving him gifts of love that I am sure he is readily responding to. Appreciate you sharing!

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  2. An interesting post which I hope will generate a lot of discussion from women as well as men.

    There is something powerful about wanting to be completely dominated; maybe Mistress Marie recognises that in having discovered the right buttons to push to get deep into David's mind. 'Cause I guess this is a mind thing.

    It's certainly comforting to hear that Katie was concerned about being mean when you both started on your journey and that this concern is still there as you go deeper. It's the comment I got from Elaine and though I don't think she could be truly mean, I really want to be dominated by her.

    I like the concept of being (and seek to be) a 'surrendered husband', someone pledging absolute obedience to his mistress wife. In surrendering I (seek - I'm not perfect) obey her without question, I don't argue or answer back, I don't sulk or mope around the house. This makes for a happier mistress and hopefully in time a stricter more dominating one.

    Mistress Marie's comment that "when a submissive gets the chance to really submit it will ultimately fuel the fire for them wanting to submit more and more" is so true. But we can only submit to the extent that our mistress becomes more dominant and getting into the head of her submissive and being courageous enough to push the right buttons with confidence is what we need her to do. I have no doubt that the reward she receives makes the effort worth while.Seems Katie (and Elaine) would be pushing 'at an open door'.

    I look forward to learning more.

    Tony

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    1. My door is indeed open Tony. I know yours is as is a 1000 other men feel the same way. What is puzzling at some level is that both Katie and Elaine do understand that the control that they have assumed has resulted in a happier more content and loving relationship for Tony and I - all that I am asking is that that same control be extended further - with the hope that the same results take place - just now at a deeper more intimate level.

      Good thoughts from you as always!

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  3. I love this! What you describe I'm Hers is so close to the way I feel about control, ( even the tool allusion, ha ha) and a lot like the dynamic in my relationship. I think so many loving wives in D/s relationships have difficulty understanding how to fully take control and and use our desire for control. Mistress Marie, from a Mistress's perspective, think you truly understand our need to be submissive, but as you said, but also "a normal couple". Thank you both for sharing your insights!

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    1. Penney, Yes she does have some difficulty and I know where the heart of the trouble arises from too. That has been the focus of our discussion, albeit quite limited so far. I plan on gently approaching the topic as I am able. I want to keep our communication open but I don't want to come across as being a pest either. I'll keep you posted :)

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  4. Great post! It's funny, I've had these exact same thoughts and have wondered how it would be "completely" dominated. Then I realized I was completely dominated and that it doesn't necessarily manifest itself in some sort of overt submissive act. It's simply a reality of life even though circumstances sometimes prevent us from "demonstrating" it so-called properly.

    I suspect you feel the same way I'm Hers.

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    1. Sub hub, I'm glad you feel completely dominated. I believe you live a different life than I do - in some ways. Yes we both live knowing who is in charge but from the little I know of your wife, she is more overt in her dominance than Katie is and I'd love to 'feel' a little more than what I am currently. This is all a matter or degree and and one can always go deeper along this path than where one is currently. I'd never want to go too far and I need to keep in mind to be careful what it is I wish for - balance is key

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  5. I think I understand how Katie feels about being mean. That is something my wife said that she didn't want friends and family to think that she was being bossy or mean as she has a very sweet personality. But she also has the natural ability as a leader and will not hesitate to tell you want she thinks. Her confidence has grown a lot in the last 2 1/2 years with our relationship . She will tell me that we are a team with her being the team leader.I know my wife is in control of our relationship and she does to. But I know how you feel just wanting to be reassured a and yes it is a great feeling. R R

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    1. RR and Anonymous below, Interesting how similar your comments are and how both of your comments echo Tony's from above. It seems there is a consensus that wives are hesitant to be 'mean' or overly assertive in fear of coming across as mean. Yet we men wish for a little more of that 'attitude' or spunk in them. It might be how the different genders perceive dominance - men want to feel it and see it while women just have an internal need to know that they are in control without feeling a need to express it unless necessary. I have no real idea but it is a hunch of mine. Thanks guys for sharing

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  6. You wrote, "We’ve not talked much about it but at one point she did mention that she didn’t want to be mean to me. "

    I know my wife feels that way. My wife is firmly in control, but she does let me do some nice things. For instance, I go out to lunch once or twice a week with a coworker friend. My wife knows and thinks it is fine to spend the money, since she believes I need to have some break and enjoyment. I sure know not to cross my wife by extra spending without asking, though, and that's where I see she is in control.

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  7. I'm Hers - one thing that Owner has taught me is that my desire to go from A straight to Z (total submission and domination by Her) doesn't work for us. On my part, experience has shown that for change in my behaviour to become really permanent and hard-wired requires a series of incremental changes over time. As i adjust to and internalise each small change then Owner progresses my development to the next stage. This isn't foolproof and i can and do occasionally go wrong but my submission and development as Her wife is far deeper and deep-rooted than any previous attempt for us to transition direct to being the sub i would ideally (in my head) love to be ever achieved. It also makes the journey much more drawn-out and fun.

    Equally, as you yourself allude to, i think it also has given Owner time to adjust to Her own evolving position of Dominance and control over me in our relationship. As is i think the case with Katie and you we are both developing and progressing along our own Femdom paths as couples. Owner and i have not walked that path with another before and so the adjustment is as much one for Her as it is for me. Like Katie, She too no longer feels awkward about some of the things She now expects me to routinely deal with or do for Her but it didn't start out that way. She too has worried at times that She is 'treating me badly' and i have spent time reassuring Her She is not, that in fact i love Her even more the more She dominates me. But i do understand why She might feel that way at first and just as it has taken time for my own submission to really embed and flourish so too has it taken time for Her dominance over me to become second nature to Her. We have been on that journey for the best part of eight and half years, are still on that journey and i imagine it is a journey that will never really reach an end.

    My final thought is that i was struck many years ago by words Elise Sutton wrote about how many submissives seek to create the power dynamic and relationship that they would ideally like to (or think they would) experience themselves - the dominant partner not seeming to get a look in. i know there are forms of behaviour or actions that i would Owner to have me do or ways i'd love for Her to treat me. But i am Her submissive not Her mine and i try to remember that it is what She wants that is the main thing, not what i may do. Though that is not to say that i don't love it when She indulges me with some of my own fantasies, which She sometimes does :)

    p
    x

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    1. Happy Pet, I think your wife is onto something. The premise that one should not go from A to Z in one fell swoop makes complete sense. And the slow acceptance of ones submission and dominance through incremental steps as your wife suggested most likely will result in the greatest degree of submission (and dominance) that both can live with happily. I read your comment in total to Katie and she concurred. Thanks for sharing!

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  8. "The premise that one should not go from A to Z in one fell swoop makes complete sense."
    This is probably true for most submissive husbands and dominant wives regarding chastity. Not trying to make it a chastity-denial discussion, but that is an example of a process for us. My wife is a nice person, and I know she did not want to appear mean or hurt me by denying me in the beginning. We both had to get used to as it went further. I love that she is the boss and gives me her final decisions on things, but know some dominant things won't happen.

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    1. Anonymous, Thanks for joining the discussion. I think that what Happy Pet stated - the A-Z comment - is true with most couples - wives in particular. In every case the level of dominance by the wife is always welcomed and accepted by the submissive. I'm happy to hear that you and yours have the proper understanding - that she is in charge. Stop by again.

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  9. Hello,



    This discussion helped me find the words to express to my wife how much I appreciate her domination over me. My beautiful Donna does not like to discuss relationship issues, and I very often struggle to put into words what's in my head and what's in my heart. I borrowed much of the sentiment I learned here to help explain where I'm at and crafted an email I sent my wife on Saturday morning. I'm posting it here for anyone to use or ignore as they see fit. I'm just grateful for the insight of I'm-Her's, and to the ladies and gentlemen who comment here, to help me grasp and communicate my submissive desires to the beautiful queen I am honored to serve!



    ####



    Donna,



    You deserve to be catered to. You are an elegant, smart and very dynamic woman who should be respected, loved and cherished. You have my endless love and devotion. I am grateful to you for exerting control over me and I think it’s better for our marriage; making it balanced, stronger and more intimate than it's been in years!



    The firmer the control you provide, the deeper my submission and the greater my love for you. I’m sorry I am this way, and I thank your for embracing our new dynamic! We no longer bicker. I don’t whine or keep you waiting when you call me. I am home more and better focused on you and our family. You are not being mean to me; you are being very loving and I appreciate the gifts of dominance over me very, very much! I still need a lot of improving, but hope I’m growing in the right direction. I am in heaven when you exert power over me.



    Of course it should all be on YOUR terms and what makes your life better. Don’t be afraid to experiment with different rewards and punishments, or anything else you choose to get the kind of behavior and love YOU deserve. You have earned it, and I have a deep desire to see that you are happy.



    You are indeed a leader, Donna, and many see you as insightful and inspiring; a very beautiful and intelligent Woman of strength. You deserve to be honored, loved, understood, obeyed and pampered!! Thank you again for allowing me to cherish, love and adore you.



    You have my endless love and devotion because you are the best thing that ever happened to me. :)



    ####



    So, thanks for discussion and this blog, IH and friends. Your input is having a wonderful impact not only on my Wife and I, but on those around us who get to witness that lovely Woman soar like an eagle.



    Scott

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  10. Scott,
    Glad to be of service. I find post comments like yours quite flattering. Mostly when I blog I blog to verbalize thoughts and experiences that pertain to my relationship, where I am as a sub, what things I'm thinking about, or of examples that have happened in my life that I want to share so others can read, think and consider. Yes sometimes I do preach, hoping other women will consider embracing this lifestyle. Comments like yours that note the impact that blogs have on you is icing on the cake. I love reading them. I love hearing others stories and I do hope that for you and Donna you can find the love through dominance and submission that can only be found by living with a focused husband serving a leading and confident wife. I wish you both the best.

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  11. I'm going out on a limb here, but this is my guess (feel free to ignore it you feel it doesn't apply to you)

    I think that what is missing, instead of more overt "acts"of dominance, is more overt "recognition"of dominance. I believe that if our wives (yes, mine too) would more openly tell us that we belong to them, that we are theirs to do as she wish and that there is nothing we can do about it, we would feel dominated, owned and controlled. Miss V used to tell me that I was her bitch (she said "biatch") and that really pushed my bottons. She has npot said it in a long time, though...

    The thing I'm trying to express here is that if they said that they own us, we would feel owned even if they did not engage in active domination that often. I'm not sure if I'm expressing it clearly enough... Language is a tricky thing.

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