Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Greater Control? A Discussion Started
I’ve had lots going through my mind in recent days. Another ‘light’ has gone on inside my head – one of those “this is who I am” revelations. A comment on a recent blog mentioned the word ‘surrender’ (thanks JT) and that started the ball rolling. Then there was a comment in a Femdom 101 post when Kathy mentioned she expects her husbands’ ‘unquestioning obedience’. Then there was the discovery of Mistress and Her Life Long submissive blog that really got me thinking. And then there was a memory of an encounter I had with a woman prior to meeting Katie that I had completely forgotten. We interacted for a week and it was the first time I had met a woman who thought only about herself and wanted to use me to satisfy her needs. We never met but the interaction was life changing. The thought of women being ‘that’ way and men (not women) being used by females blew me away. My encounter with her was the catalyst that started my journey to a life of submission.
What I now know is that feeling dominated or being dominated is indeed a love language. I never thought of love in that way before. I know I must have but for some reason the impact of that knowledge is significant. In the world of the five love languages dominance would probably be categorized as the love language in which a gift is being given. I’ve only viewed that love language to mean physical gifts – stuff. Call it what you will but given the choice of adding a Milwaukee or Dewalt power tool to my collection or being overwhelmed by my wife’s dominance – even if only for a few minutes – I think the decision is quite easy to make. I’ll take Katie in a heartbeat.
What has been difficult for me has been getting Katie to see this. She loves my service. She loves my love for her. She does tell me to do certain things but she has never quite taken complete ownership of me. I want that. I think I need that. During the past few weeks I’ve written an email or two to her while at work expressing that desire. We’ve not talked much about it but at one point she did mention that she didn’t want to be mean to me. That comment is revealing. I mentioned that when we started all this she had those same feelings when it came to locking me, making me cook all the meals, clean the kitchen, do all the laundry, etc. Now she doesn’t give those a second thought. Just yesterday I walked into the bathroom. The laundry basket was overflowing and I should have made time to do a load or two earlier in the week. When I walked in yesterday, clothes and towels were tossed all over the bathroom floor. I wondered if she was giving me a hint that I needed to do wash. What I later learned was she was looking for a black pair of jeans and couldn’t find them! She rifled through the laundry and being the dominant woman she is, didn’t think twice about whether leaving the mess for me was being ‘mean’. She has moved away from being so sensitive about how her actions impact me but that sensitivity is still there.
I told her today that if she ever does something that I consider being mean, I’ll tell her. I think she heard me but I’ll probably mention it again to reassure.
So I’ve been struggling with being completely dominated. I’ll write a few more posts on this in the blogs ahead. The writing is good for me. It helps me process my thoughts and when Katie reads the post to approve them they sometimes stimulate discussion. In the meantime I am in many ways a content man, but in some ways a man that wishes for more. Whether or not she takes me and makes me hers will be up to her of course. I hope she does. I think she will benefit from the taking