Thursday, May 22, 2014
Not too old to apologize
This is the second of a series of posts on the topic of a desire I have to be dominated more completely.
I’m getting older. With age comes wisdom, but in my case it also comes with ignorance. I need to make an apology. I’ve been critical of Dennis and some of his posts on the Worshipping your Wife blog. I commented recently how one of his posts irked me because I couldn’t see ‘love’ for his wife nor she for him in their writings. Their posts all seemed to be about rules and regulations and I was blind to any sign of affection amidst his or Nancy’s (his Mistress wife) posts.
And then my eyes were opened and they were opened independently of something I recently read on that blog. It just happened. The previous post here had to do with me coming to understand just how loving it is to feel a woman’s dominance. I think I knew this all along at some level – actually knew it well but there was a part of me that failed to see it in others the way I felt it when experienced myself. Furthermore I have enjoyed holding onto some of my freedoms while still submitting to Katie, kind of like wanting to have my cake and eat it too. My feelings are changing. I’m realizing the value of being broken by her (if that is the correct word). I know that by becoming completely hers, by being more accountable, by reframing my view of ‘whose first’ to be Katie at all times, by conforming to her will strengthen our bond. I want to give myself more fully (or should I say completely) to her.
I failed to see Nancy’s control of Dennis as expressions of love. When one of them spoke of Nancy keeping track of him while at work, monitoring his whereabouts using a smartphone app, meeting him at the front door and inspecting the contents of his wallet before he even entered the home, making sure a female chaperone led a ‘guys night out’ meeting, etc. I interpreted those examples his wife as ones of overbearing control and disrespect. Now I see that they were very much gifts of love, expressions of care, and support to the man she loves. When she tells him to dress a certain way, clean a certain way, immediately attend to her or her mother when a bell is rung, I could relate at some level but another part of me rebelled from such control. It seemed too comprehensive, too restrictive, too mistrusting. At the time I couldn’t see nor understand the care and love it took on Nancy’s part to love him enough to make sure he was doing as he was told. Now I see. Dennis, I think I understand now. I apologize for my ignorance. I apologize for failing to see the love that Nancy and her Mother gave you on a daily basis.
And now I am craving the same thing. To feel a collar snapped around my neck; to be referred to as ‘my sub’; to have my cell messages checked to see if I’ve been texting while driving; to be told to sit on the floor while talking to her; to be told to stand in the corner as punishment for a wrong done, gosh I ache for that kind of control. I ache for that kind of fun! Yes fun. Although there is a level of seriousness in all we do as Mistress and sub, there is a bit of fun and intimacy as well – or at least there could be. When Katie tells me to ‘go cook dinner’ it’s a serious command. She wants to eat, but she also is phrasing it to remind me (and her) of the power differential to which we’ve both committed. I now understand that what a Mistress demands is in no way an expression of disrespect or intended to belittle. It’s the polar opposite. They are expressions of love. They are conscious actions given – maybe done to add a bit of fun and spice to a relationship, maybe to remove any concern or suspicion she might have, or maybe because her submissive needs to be corrected.
It’s amazing to realize just how foolish I can be. I forget sometimes just how new I am to living in submission to a woman that is also new to living as a dominant. We are both still learning, still growing and by no means understand this life nearly as well as those of you that have lived it for so many years. Maybe next time I will know better and withhold judgment until I look at things from angles other than my own current perspective.