Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Post #3: Desiring Domination
I had aha moment a several weeks ago. I came to see just how much I wish to have Katie take me completely. I need less freedom. I need more accountability. I need to be broken and made to make her my first priority, putting my wants second. I need to gain a healthy fear of her, similar to the way a child both loves and fears a parent. (As Kathy would call this, I desire for Katie to completely snuff out any 'pocket of resistance' left in me. That to me is synonymous with 'being broken'.)
I wrote a friend explaining all this and he cautioned me to be careful what I wish for and indeed his words may be true. But Katie is no tyrant and never will be so I don’t fear I’ll be sleeping in the basement or be sent naked outside in mid-January to stand while she watches me from the warmth of the kitchen while sipping hot chocolate. That just isn’t her.
I wrote Katie some time ago. What I wanted her to understand was the immense value her expression of dominance has on our relationship. I wanted her to see inside my head exactly how I perceive power, when it comes from her and is directed my way. Contrary to how she’s been raised and how she has lived for over 50 years as a mild-mannered, conservative and graceful woman is the fact that some men, me specifically, feel loved when dominated by a wife who rules them with a firm hand. I don’t know that I got through to her. She did mention that she wasn’t sure she could be that person since it is such a different way of acting. She told me she didn’t want to be a bitch, something she expressed years before when we first considered this lifestyle.
I thought much about the letter, its intent, her response and the possibilities the following day. I am not asking for Katie to be mean and I think she understands that. I told her I could list at least ten ways her attitude and values have changed since assuming headship. They ranged from the tentative approach to putting me in chastity to now enjoying me locked and not worrying about how long I remain chaste, to leaving trash or messes on the floor for me to take care of and so much more. She has changed. She has come to accept and enjoy her position as the head of our home but she has cowered from any physical punishment or harsh/direct words.
I believe dominance is about making it clear that the woman has ultimate power and has the freedom to use it in whatever way she sees fit. Within our marriage, there are limits to her use of power as she vowed to always love me. Yet that doesn’t preclude her from causing me pain and ‘pain’ can come in many forms. It needn’t be physical at all to have a point driven home. And pain is not something that is new to either of us.
After all, I feel some pain each morning when aroused with the chastity appliance on. She doesn’t shy away from that anymore. She has no problem telling me I can’t reach orgasm when we make love. When I ask it’s almost always a direct ‘no’. Other times I feel the bite of humility when Katie tells me to “do this”, or “put that away”, or when told “no, I don’t want that”. I’m much more use to that type of direct language than when we first started, but it still does give me pause when I don’t expect it. Loving me doesn’t preclude her from making me do something unpleasant. It doesn’t mean she can’t have me do some mundane task and then do it all over again five more times for no other reason than because she wants to make a point or simply to have a little fun at my expense. It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t cause me pain because I disobeyed a command or repeatedly refused to comply with something she’s wanted me to do.
To me the larger question that really should be going through her head is what message is she sending me when she does nothing? Doing nothing is really doing something. What message do we send a child that bullies another if we look away? What message do we send a co-worker that steels items from work if we fail to confront them? Silence is a gigantic message and it’s not always the best to remain silent or tolerate actions or words one disagrees with.
I wonder if she is ready to take another step forward as a dominant woman. I am hoping she can shed past expectations that ‘being this way’ are bad for our marriage and see instead how extending her control will make our bond of love even stronger. We don’t have a marriage like most. Most don’t live in a femdom marriage so at the very core we live with different values than most. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if she will try; if she will experiment. I don’t know if she will see that discipline, setting firm limits, spelling our rules and demanding greater conformity can be good – even needed – changes that will benefit both of us.
I hope she views herself as a confident, loving caring woman who cares enough to keep her marriage fresh and her husband accountable to her in every facet of his life. I hope she sees the value, as well as the playfulness of reminding me that she has ultimate power and can use that power to remind me that she is the Mistress wife and I am her owned submissive. There is only one way to know if a submissive man will obey without question and that is to test him. We test all the time in all aspects of life to see if we have reached a level of proficiency or expertise. Why not apply the same to a D/s lifestyle. I only hope that Katie will.
Time will tell.