Sunday, August 10, 2014

"It's Normal to Masturbate"

This post is about masturbation and is the result of comments I've read on other blogs while researching the previous post, as well as recent comments I've read on the subject. Of course, to get a good discussion going, I need to light a fire so this will be my tactful attempt to do so and hopefully provide some food for thought.  Enjoy.

Normal. The word appears to be so straight-forward, so easy to define, but when you think about it, it is far from definitive.  Normal has to do with what we see most often. It’s normal for people in the States to live in a home. It’s not normal to live out of your car.  We define normal to mean ‘that which most people do.’  Here are some more examples:

  • It is normal for couples to marry more than once.
  • It is normal to ignore posted speed limits and travel faster than what is posted.
  • In the south it’s normal to ‘travel’ in the ‘passing’ lane. :)  Aaaaagggghhhh!!!!!!!
  • It’s normal when arguing to progress from rational, higher levels of thinking (reasoning, making valid points, listening to the other side) to lower, more childish ones (getting angry, yelling, and fighting).
  • It’s normal to lie and keep secrets from family members when you've done something wrong- at least some of the time.
  • It’s normal to be overweight – at least 70% of us are.
  • It’s normal to have sex about once a week (according to statistics)
  • It’s normal for adults to not exercise enough – only 20% do.
  • It’s normal to be in debt
  • It’s normal to masturbate
  • It’s normal for men to think about other women when they masturbate.

OK, I’m-Hers, where are you going with this?  I am going to my final two examples of ‘normal’…. Masturbation.  Masturbation is normal. I get it. I do it – at least some - when I am permitted by Katie. I don’t fantasize anymore because I don’t have the ability to do  so because I am locked and if I do stroke myself, I do so while Katie is present next to me in bed. (She tolerates me doing this every now and then.)  What struck me when I researched and wrote the post about the woman that supposedly locked her son in chastity to curb his masturbatory habit was the number of comments that were akin to this: “Dude, wanking off is normal. If you don’t agree I’m going to punch you in the face!”

That is the comment of an idiot. Their normal is determined by them alone and is viewed as the only way one should be live and act.  If that is you, then you are an idiot – at least during the few seconds while you thought that thought :).  

There are lots of things we do that are normal that are not wise: speeding, putting on too much weight, not exercising, having too much stress in our lives, not treating our partner with the utmost respect all the time, etc.  Just because ‘most’ people do it, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. Just because it's 'normal' doesn't automatically qualify it as being wise, right and just. I’ve said this before and I will most likely repeat this saying because it is filled with wisdom: Don’t try to prove yourself right. Rather, try to prove yourself wrong.  

Another ‘norm’ is we are inherently insecure individuals. Because we are, we always are defending our actions – regardless if they are proper or stupid ones. 

Here’s another: Masturbation is ‘healthy’. The ‘healthy’ argument usually revolves around, the ‘you can’t let semen stay in your body too long or it will harm you’. I disagree with that. Nocturnal dreams/nightly emissions release semen. A full prostate is very effectively milked and semen released during bowel movements when the prostate is full. The body has built-in mechanisms to maintain its own healthy state and so I don't buy the I'm masturbating to keep myself healthy. Nice try but that is a lousy argument. Try again :)

So is masturbation wrong? My answer is yes and no. I think it’s quite healthy, especially when a partner stimulates their partner. One man wrote a comment that he has ED and mastubation is how they share their lovemaking. I think that is so cool.  It is an intimate and open act shared (and maybe that is a key to all this - it's shared) by he and his wife. That is an act of intimacy. Its bonding because it is shared. 

However, when a man (or woman) goes into a room, locks the door and self-stimulates. I don’t think that is healthy. I don't think it should be done. I don't think that because you have the urge, you have to act on it. If you have to lock a door to do anything the fact that you locked the door speaks volumes. Why do you get off in the shower, closet, attic or some other isolated place rather than with your significant other? What are you hiding? Seems to me the implications to what you are doing are far different than the man with ED masturbating while cuddled in bed with his wife.

That’s my opinion. OK, I lit the fire. Feel free to douse water all over by party.

I'm Hers


  1. > However, when a man (or woman) goes into a room, locks the door and self-stimulates. I don’t think that is healthy. I don't think it should be done.

    I think you are going way overboard. You are off base with this comment.

    You can say for yourself that you do not want to masturbate alone, and that's fine. To go and say "this must now apply to all of humankind", that's going way, way too far.

    It's possible that you need to make this a general rule in your head, the way I caught myself doing: "Oh look at that person, having a mountain of carbs on their plate, that's unhealthy!" And then I check myself and remember that no, a carb-heavy diet can be completely healthy: It's just extremely unhealthy for me. I love those carbs, but can't have them, and I shouldn't solve that by labeling them as "bad" and "unhealthy" for all of humankind.

    The amount of damage and sexual repression that has been done by forbidding masturbation is well documented. Masturbation is an act of self-love. Look at the work of Betty Dodson, and see how freeing it was (and is) for many women to explore their bodies and figure out what gives them pleasure and to finally experience an orgasm.

    And it doesn't have to be that big an event either, though initially and often it is. Masturbation as an act of giving oneself pleasure is perfectly fine.

    > Why do you get off in the shower, closet, attic or some other isolated place rather than with your significant other? What are you hiding?

    And now you're shaming. Really bad form.

    Whether someone who masturbates is hiding anything at all will depend. And if they do, it'll be because of shaming comments like the above.

    Masturbating in private is fine. It gives everyone some privacy. I certainly don't want to see my neighbor masturbating, and I'm sure she doesn't want me to see her, either.
    See there? That got creepy fast. Some privacy is necessary.

    If someone actually has a partner, why not masturbate with them? So many people, so many reasons. There is no simple one-size-fits-all answer. One person I am thinking of is a good friend of mine. He lives with a partner that he is very happy with, and she with him. When in public, they hold hands, and they are clearly fond of each other, after some 10+ years of being together. What they don't have is sex. They have separate bedrooms. I am curious as to the why, but leave them their privacy on that topic. And so he masturbates, because he says that the relationship is everything he ever wanted in every other aspect, and he's fine with pleasuring himself.

    That story of the woman locking up her son, by the way: I am extremely skeptical. Forced chastity is a man's fantasy. I think this might just be what it appears to be, a story.

    In closing: Don't generalize so much. Take your own experiences and write about that, and that'll be a fascinating read. And allow for other people to have other experiences, and other emotions, and other lives.

  2. schnoff,
    Remember the first few sentences of this post? I needed to light a fire. Indeed I did. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. After I posted your comment I thought about teens 'exploring' their body. I think that is healthy. I would agree. I also agree that whenever one does choose to masturbate that it should be done privately. Like you, I don't care to see my neighbors outside getting off while taking the trash cans back to their garages or back yards. That is a nasty thought indeed.

    I guess my issue has more to do with where the mind is. I don't believe a group of people should sit around and make fun of another person - present or not. That's not right. It's a form of bullying. Likewise I don't think it's healthy for a group of college boys to sit around and focus only on a woman's physical assets - that's demeaning - even if she is shapely and beautiful. In the same vein, I don't think it's healthy for a man to fantasize about that same woman naked and doing things that he fits into his virtual world while he gets off. That's all.

    I wouldn't think anyone would want to know that the guy across the street is thinking about my wife's body naked and performing for him. That is wrong and if he told me I'd strongly consider doing something I probably would later regret.

    And yes, I will write about my own experiences but felt like this was a pertinent topic at the time. Please stop by again.

  3. Comments on most blogs from men state that it is not healthily for a man to be denied long periods of time. That is BS. I recently checked with my urologist and told her (yes, a woman) that my wife,keeps me denied for 3 to 4 months at a time. And this year she is not allowing me to orgasm at all. The urologist said that she felt I was missing out on a lot of pleasure, but if that is our lifestyle is is healthly. She said the body will absorb excess semen and expel it often. Just daily leaking releases a lot of semen. A she mentioned nocturnal emmissions, a wet dream, thatI would experience. She asked if I have considered masturbation, and I told her that I wear a chastity device most of the time. She seemed amused but also confused by it, saying she doesn't know of health effects of wearing one. I told her I wear a CB 6000, she wrote it down I feel to look it up later. Who knows, her husband could be wearing one now.

    1. Well said AH! I imagine that when you see your urologist for an examination, you are not wearing your CB6K, yes?

      I believe that whenever there is a "disagreement" about masturbation, it usually is because one person is considering an "orange" type of masturbation, while the other is coming from an "apple" kind of masturbation.

      Always love hearing from you AH.

    2. AH, now that was an honest and open conversation with the doc! I admire your honesty with her. Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts. ..... a year between orgasms? That is a long time. My Katie is considering 6 months but I'm only at 2+ now. Time will tell how long my time in blissful denial lasts

  4. I've said it before and I will say it again ... there is no one correct answer to any one opinion on masturbation. To me, masturbation is a sex act, and as such provides sexual pleasure, which is "normal". If masturbation is at the root of, or contributing to problems between lovers, then it becomes abnormal when abused.

    In my relationship, I am strictly prohibited from masturbate in the context of my gift of submission to my Mistress wife. I may masturbate, but only when authorized to do so. Sometimes that authorization is a demand, at which point I am compelled to masturbate for the viewing pleasure of my Mistress. Rarely, if ever, am I allowed to orgasm during a compelled or authorized masturbation. Normal is as normal does. What is normal for me isn't necessarily normal for you.

    As for schnoff's response ...... I get what you are saying but I don't think that IH was trying to be militant about it.

    1. Thanks SHub, No I was not trying to be militant but rather trying to get some conversation going.

      My question to you..... do you mind that every guy that lives near you fantasizes about your wife performing sex acts with them while they masturbate? I would think you wouldn't and that is my point. I sure wouldn't want guys having dreams with my Katie doing similar acts. Thoughts?

    2. Holy smokes IH, I just now saw that you had posed this question. Please forgive me for not noticing before now.

      That's a very interesting question. On one hand, I believe that my Mistress Wife is exceptionally sexy, and not in one of those "sexy to me" ways. She gets looks and stares and leers from almost every man that sees her. Do I mind that other guys fantasize about sex with her? Yeah, I think I do. I realize there is nothing I can do about it, but given the choice, I'd rather they didn't fantasize about it.

      Keep up the good work brother!

  5. My wife considers masturbation while married the same as cheating. Early in our marriage, several times she caught me viewing porn and stroking myself. After some very intense discussions, I agreed with her and am prohibited from self-pleasuring unless I ask permission or am doing it in her presence for her enjoyment. We tried the chastity belt method but had to stop due to severe rashes (very sensitive skin). I am on an honor system and can expect to be punished if I break that agreement.

    1. Anonymous,
      Do you care to spell out specifically why it is that your wife feels as she does? I believe I know the answer but I think I'd like to hear it from you as it goes to the heart of why I believe that for most men it is wrong. It goes to the question I asked Subhub (see above).

      Thanks so much for sharing!

  6. Great topic, IH.

    I think everyone draws a line somewhere when it comes to masturbation. For me, the key element is what a person is thinking about while going about that most stimulating deed! If I am thinking about a woman other than my wife while masturbating, I am no longer being loyal to her. If I am desiring or lusting after another woman, that is cheating in my book. That may not be everyone's belief, but that is my take.

    Believe it or not, becoming my wife's submissive husband two years ago has been incredibly freeing for me. I belong to her and so do my fantasies. I can go to a gym full of woman wearing skin-tight tops and bottoms, and I just see smart, hard-working complete women; children of God, no longer objects for me to leer at. I am Donna's little bitch and have no need and no desire to fantasize about anyone else! I don't have to work at averting my eyes, or acting all weird around beautiful women at work, or trying to be dazzling or macho. I get to see women as intelligent, strong, caring, loving, kind people without entertaining any kind of physical attraction. I get to appreciate women even more now that the lustful part of my brain is switched off.

    That part of me is reserved for my wife and now that I am focused only on her, I am living the passion, the love and the intensity that I used to dream of. Donna has been kind enough to listen to my fantasies now that we are comfortable in our roles. We talk about sex more, and engage in it more than the any of the previous twenty-nine years of our marriage. Christ knew what he was talking about when he taught this:

    "You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."

    I didn't gouge my eyes out, but my sexual passion, my fantasies and my love are all for my Beautiful Donna. I'm not strong enough to resist temptation on my own, and face it, there are some beautiful woman out there, whether in body, in sweet spirit, in self-confidence, but the payoff of eliminating lust outside of my marriage has been beyond measure! I'm okay with no longer doing what's normal.

    Thank you,


    1. Scott, Now that was a great entry!! Lots there to think about and you stated your thoughts so well. I can identify with you and I believe you stated more clearly than I the point I was trying to make.

      I admire the change in how you can look at woman and not lust. I think I am about there but if I am honest I will look longer than normal or take a second glance every now and then when a woman peeks my interest. I don't know that I'd call it lust as much as admiration. But it's still there.

      I'm glad you shared and hope others will pick up on your post to agree or disagree. I am enjoying the discussion and varying opinions

    2. That is such and excellent post! Thank you!

  7. ImHers, Thank you for this, it was great. I just hoping this can happen in my future marriage. The thing is, I will still want to have sex (intercourse) often. Will that go away if he is locked in a device?
    If the whole point is to deny him orgasms, isn't that denying myself sex with penetration and ejaculation? Thanks

    1. Hi Cathie, My wife and I played for a few months a few years ago having me wear two condoms and go inside her and have her on top. She had more orgasms that way than at any time in our marriage and I had none. But I really loved it. The simulation would have me close for say an hour while she would orgasm and relax and then do it again. To me the benefit was there for both of us. But if I get to orgasm then its all over for both of us in the blink of an eye. Right now she seems to be in a mood for me to hold off unitil she orgasms a couple of times and then she likes me to orgasm. That's ok too and a lot of fun.

  8. Cathy, Thanks for stopping by again. Always appreciate it when you do. Regarding your comment: if you truly are a dominant to an obedient submissive than you can have a sex life that suits you. You can have sex when you want it, deny him or permit him orgasm when you want, put him chastity.... the works. You can structure how you do this according to what suits you best.
    For example, last week Katie wanted to make love three times last week. Here is our routine: I lock every weekday morning. I unlock before climbing into bed. I am sometimes locked during weekends - sometimes not. When we make love I am not permitted to orgasm unless she tells me I can. Our understanding is that I won't unless told otherwise. So she gets to have penetrative sex when she wants, gets to keep me locked. Gets to sleep without a chunk of steel pressed against the small of her back, etc. That is her style. You can set your relationship up to suit yours!
    Thanks for sharing!!

  9. I believe that masturbation is not needed to release physical pressure. I believe that the body regulates the physical side of it through things like wet dreams. I believe that masturbation is inherently a selfish activity. The mind is focussed on ones self. I find that if I engage in sexual activity with my wife including having an orgasm then I feel good after. If I masturbate then after the climax there is a down. A feeling of failure, mild depression, of being a looser. So I think the brain processes the hormones differently. In a way it could all be part of the male drive to reproduce. Masturbation does not lead to reproduction so perhaps the natural response of the brain is to make it have this downer after so that the male will seek out females rather than this unproductive behaviour of masturbation.

    1. submanhub, Thanks for sharing. I agree with what you are saying. I ask you this though: is masturbating the first several times (by a young boy) wrong? I mean, boys seem to discover that fondling their erection to the point of ejaculation - initially - to be something new, something different, and something that feels incredible. I go back to the first comment by 'schnoff' who stated they thought that was healthy.

      On one hand I agree with him. Yes it is an act of self exploration. Its a childs first taste of what sex feels like - at least on some level. But what about the 394th time? Is it done for the same reason as the 2nd time? I would tend to think not. Well, at least for me it wasn't. By the time I got to 394 I had images of Karen, a fellow classmate, in my brain EVERY time. I don't think Karen ever entered my mind on the 2nd time. I was learning about my body the first several times. I was manipulating my body on the hundreds of times thereafter.

      Which leads me to agree with you that for me - now, I too believe it is wrong - that is, if it is done alone and hidden from Katie's knowledge. If it isn't well, then I'd say it's not wrong.

      Life is filled with 'gray' isn't it? Three Dog Night sang about black and white..... I think they forgot about a few shades in between - maybe 50 shades :)

    2. Right or Wrong sound like absolutes and society these days is not into absolutes and so taking a hard position like right or wrong results in a polarised discussion. An argument rather than discussion I suspect.

      My recollection was that I had wet dreams for quite some time before I ever masturbated to orgasm. Probably a few months I suspect. Thinking back I can recall dry humping the bed at home and suddenly ejaculated. Then I had this unexpected problem of how to clean up the mess. I imagine I must have found the dry humping thing to be enjoyable in its own right and not connected it with sex or orgasm per se.

      However once experienced the drive was there to have that feeling again.

      So I would lean away from the self exploration side of the argument and lean more toward the promotion of abstinence. It is hard these days to imagine how one would do this.

      I guess it is the thing of porn stories the idea of the boy so closely supervised that he gets to the wedding night having never masturbated. I cant see that happening in real life.

      Mind you sometimes life is stranger than fiction and sometimes the things of male porn imagination do have the occasional true version.

      Now that I am thinking about this, I wonder given the propensity for parents to get their kids on medication to deal with behaviour, maybe we will have parents - mothers (I suspect) getting some kind of drug for their teen boys that prevent erections or masturbation.

    3. Your blog entry - and the various comments - explore a variety of masturbation issues. I will ignore the part that concerns a mother's attempt to "save" her child from masturbatory hell, and go on to the saner subject matters of this issue.

      Most commenters for this blog entry are male, which is interesting in and of itself, and the one woman who comments (Cathie) seems to be a bit in doubt as to what will happen if she decides to prohibit her husband from masturbating and/or locks him up. Will she be denying herself as well? Hopefully, I can ease her mind a bit. I have always believed that a Dominant woman absolutely must control her partner's orgasms. It's very basic to the question of "who's in charge" and by denying her partner this "right" she clearly puts herself in the unique position of being the one unquestionably in charge of the relationship. This includes a right that he's probably had since adolescence - the right to masturbate. Once you take this "right" away from him, you do two things: first, you establish dominance, and second, you make him horny as all hell. A submissive wants and needs to be controlled, and controlling his ability to use his cock in any sexual manner is an enormous turn-on for him. His attitude, his behavior, his very selfhood is drastically changed once he has to look at his Dom for permission to use his cock for any sort of pleasure. He is now at your beck and call sexually, and I can assure you that you will get all the penetration you desire, whenever and however you desire it. He will be hornier than he ever was before, and any pleasure you choose to afford his cock will be appreciated by him in spades. I'd be surprised if any sub who has been locked up or otherwise denied (i.e. honor system) would disagree with what I'm saying, so fear not, Cathie, you're going to be well taken care of.

      As for the question of "normal", I have to agree with Schnoff's first comment and heartily disagree with the next to last paragraph in your post. I can only assume that you were just trying to light that fire you were after when you spoke in such absolutes. If so, it certainly worked.

      To close, I'm about to do something I never do. I know it's terribly bad form for me to suggest this, and I'm probably breaking some sort of unwritten rule by mentioning it, but I do admire your writing and hate to see you consistently use a word incorrectly. Forgive me, but you really must look up the word "pique" in the dictionary. That's "pique", not "peek". Feel free to point out such things to me in my blog. I promise not to take offense:)

  10. Lady Grey,
    You make me laugh! You know, when I went away to college I would write home - write my mother really. Well, mom is the scholarly type - turned down a full ride to and Ivy League University. Well mom would always write and always correct my word choice, spelling and grammar. You made me think of those days way back when. You know, I never knew that word - pique - existed. THANK YOU! Please write and break that 'unmentionable' rule again when you see me screw up again. I'm sure this will not be the last time.

    As to your comment about masturbation. Some believe in absolutes and say those that don't are wrong. Others believe in situational situations and condemn those that adhere to absolutes as wrong. Somewhere we all come to some type of 'conclusion' when it comes to resolving an issue. For me, I think masturbation is not healthy when lust is involved. I asked the pointed question to one poster when I asked "would you mind all your neighbor men to lust after your wife when they masturbated." I made it personal because if we discuss it as if it doesn't get personal we are never forced to look at it as a personal issue. For example, is it OK for Karl to lust after your other Domme friend that chained him and made him work is tail off the day you lent him to her? I mean, do you mind if he longs for her pussy and breasts while he gets off? I sure wouldn't want Katie to think about another man while she masturbated and I doubt she wants me thinking of other women in that way. So, for me, that's where I draw the line. Who knows if I am right or not but that is my view.

    Thanks for taking the time to talk to Cathy. I hope she returns to read your comment. You are absolutely right of course. As always!

    1. I must say that I am relieved to know that you didn't take offense at the word correction. However, I am a bit bemused that you compared me to your mother! I know I'm getting older, but...........? I'm only kidding, of course, and I'm glad you took it so well - many others would not, I'm sure.

      I must say that if all men were to adhere to your personal feeling that "masturbation is not healthy when lust is involved" we'd instantly end 99% of the masturbation that goes on in this world. I'm sure that no study has ever been done on this, but I'd bet a bundle that I'm not far wrong on this estimate. I've decided to ask my husband Karl to do a bit of a conversational survey among his male friends to see what he comes up with on this subject. Unfortunately, Karl's opinion would not be relevant. You see, he's never allowed to masturbate when not in my presence, and on the rare occasions I do allow it, I can assure you that his mind is only on me. Without going into details, I can only say that I can guarantee that his personal attention is unquestionably directed at me, and when I did ask him about this - just to be fair to you in this discussion - he verified my opinion in the most forceful of terms. It will be interesting to see what his friends have to say on this matter.

      As to your question regarding his time spent slaving for my friend Vanessa, I think that his fear of such an episode being repeated more than guarantees that he has no masturbatory fantasies in that regard. Which, I must admit, makes me consider putting him in that position once again. After all, I've never denied that I'm a sadist at heart:) Be well, and my regards to your wife.