Saturday, September 27, 2014

A disturbing Comment

I read a comment on another blog that really bothered me.  It was written by a woman that spoke of how she was 'training' her husband by having him spend time in a cage.  She equated her training to that of training a dog and mentioned that she even had him caged while her friends (or maybe it was her sisters) came over to visit.  The comment, as I remember it, stated how they all enjoyed laughing at him sitting in the cage naked.  

I was keenly interested in seeing how the host of the blog would respond as I value their opinion highly.  But in the end, no comment was made and in fact, the post itself was deleted.  Maybe leaving well-enough-alone was the best option and maybe that was the best choice.  For me, that comment struck some deep chord that unnerved me and I'm not sure why.  I read and reread it several times trying to understand why a relationship like that existed and attempted to understand why this Mistress 'trained' her sub as she did.  For me, I could never be that man. I could never be her sub. If push came to shove I think I'd leave the relationship in a second but then again I am not emotionally connected as he apparently is to her. In my mind this is not training but humiliation. It isn't love but rather disrespect. It isn't the fulfilling of one's vow to love and uphold another but rather the opposite.

But as much as I want to pin the blame on her for doing what she does, I feel a need to question him equally for agreeing to obey her knowing what she demands has no love as the basis for her action. I mean, there is no love by being locked naked in a cage and then having other women mock you while you sit helpless inside.  Yet it takes two to tango and this guy obviously finds some degree of satisfaction or fulfillment in submitting in this way.  

Regardless of where or if blame should be given I just don't get it.  I don't get this kind of femdom relationship in which the woman doesn't appreciate the service of her submissive husband. I don't get it when a woman doesn't appreciate and encourage (rather than demean) the efforts of her husband.  I don't get it when a woman humiliates him, treating him, as she noted, like a dog by keeping him caged and on display for other females to mock.  I don't get it when a man makes a choice to reduce his own self esteem by engaging in these kinds of activities.  Now maybe if it happened once without his knowing beforehand - shame on her but if it happened more than once - shame on him.  And it's not the acts that disturb me so much as the attitude. When I read how this man was laughed at by his dominant and her friends/sisters that is what bothered me. I get 'play'. I get being taught. I don't get being taught in this manner. There's just something wrong with the whole picture - IMHO.

I reread what I wrote some weeks after I wrote an initial draft. I happened to read it immediately after reading two beautiful posts by Kathy (Femdom101) who described her husband John and then another by k, the lifelong submissive to Mistress Barbara who wrote beautifully about the core values to a successful long-term FLR/WLM relationship.  What a different picture these two posts present than the comment about which I read presents.  The latter ooze the real values of what makes a marriage or relationship last, the former lacks all that is important.  I couldn't help but think about Kathy and k. They have been married for many years and have remained true.  I wondered how the woman writer of the comment that spurred this discussion might react should she be in Mistress Barbara's position of fighting through a lengthy physical struggle with her health? Will she permit her sub to care for her? Will he even be able to care for her given the years of subjugating treatment she's dealt him?  I don't know, but I wonder.

I know at some primal level many men have a need to be truly dominated and maybe this is what is going on here. Let's assume that this is the case. If it is, can this kind of relationship be sustained? I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you happened to have read the blog post maybe you felt differently. I'd like to hear your point of view - whether you agree or disagree with my interpretation of it.


I'm Hers

25 comments:

  1. I do agree with you about that dominant wife keeping her husband caged while other women humiliated him. But maybe he is like Kathy'S husband, John, who went to a dominatrix to be humiliated sexually. This man has it at home. I think he is so horny, that she has not let him cum, that he will now do anything she wants. My wife likes me to be active and do a lot of housework and pampering on her. She would not me to waste time in a cage. She dominates me full time 24/7, and punishes me when needed. But we love each other, so she would never humiliate me in front of others. We have a very strong WLM,.

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    1. AH,
      Thanks for sharing. And like you, I don't believe in public humiliation either. I do think I could tolerate private humiliation if, and that's the keyword, I knew that she loved me and was just having fun. The comment that I referred to when I wrote this post was written by a woman. She seemed very pleased with how her "training" was going with her husband/partner and seem to relish in the idea that her sisters could make fun of him as well while he remain locked and naked in a cage. There was something about the tone of the comment that bothered me more than anything else.

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  2. I'm Hers,

    I am writing this on a bright, sunny Sunday morning. I say that because it means I am as far from any feelings of eroticism etc as one can be,

    I think everything (well almost) that one reads on the web has to be taken with a big 'reality check'. Most chastity and femdom blogs seem to be little better than male masturbatory fantasy. And maybe this was the case with the one you are commenting on.

    I am with All Hers in saying that men visit a dominatrix to be disciplined and by implication humiliated. The graduation at Tara's establishment was for the wife to collar her husband and to take him on the lead to a local shop etc. Humiliating for the guy? I'd have thought so. You like being in a chastity device and wearing Katie's panties. Would you be proud for your co-workers to know, or humiliated. I think many of us are tempted to do things that would humiliate us if made public.

    FemDom doesn't really have anything to do with domestic service per se. You and I are both 'fans' of Ms Rika, but Femdom is Female Dominant, Male Submissive. Simply in our Femdom relationship that we have agreed to obey our mistress wives. I would suggest that (subject to her instructions not breaking our respective countries laws) there is no limit, no 'only obey in these circumstances, not those'. We agree to obey absolutely, or we are wimps without a spine.

    I have promised to obey my mistress. She rules me quietly much in the way I imagine Kathy doing so with John. Were she to buy a cage and tell me to get inside, I would obey. Each time our mistress gives an instruction we have the choice whether to obey or not - but to not obey on any occasion ends her dominance completely. FemDom is total absolute female dominance and requires my absolute total submission. I have willingly offered Mistress that and have no intention of breaking my word.

    I also know she would never humiliate me, either in public or private.We love each other too much for that. I am proud to serve and obey her. My obedience is something I am proud of, and will never be humiliated by. Because every moment of the day I have a choice to obey or end my submission.

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    1. My hearts desire,
      You always write thought-provoking comments. I'm glad you could enjoy a sunny Sunday morning far from a erotic and submissive thoughts. :-)
      From what you said my take on it, as it applies to this post is that you would do anything for your wife. Maybe that is what this man was doing. Maybe he was simply obeying his wife/partner. Regardless, what bothered me was the fact that she seemed to abuse his compliance with her wishes by bringing her sisters in to view and mock him while he was naked inside a cage-probably a dog cage. I

      would crawl in a cage if Katie ordered me to do so. Once there I would be helpless and if she brought sisters or friends to view me there would be nothing I could do to stop her or make them go away. However I would resent the fact that she did that for a long time. I would resent it because she broke her vow to me which was to keep our intimate relationship only between the two of us. Call me conservative but this just seems wrong.

      Hope you have a great week.

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  3. Good evening I'm Hers,

    Thank you for your kind comment on my blog.

    I am in a quandary in your regards to your last blog I totally agree with you, but I also completely agree with All Hers and My Hearts Desire.

    My take on it is that if your lucky enough to be in a long term marriage or relationship the dynamics are different to a man who visits a Prodomme for a short period of time, even if it's on regular basis.

    Having said that if Mistress wanted to put me in a cage and have other Dom Ladies come and look at me, I would accept it. Possible enjoy it if it was part of a play scene. However if I was stuck in a cage with none scene Ladies I'm sure I would really hate it, but part of my submission is to accept Mistresses rule and commands, if I don't comply the Femdom part of our relationship would not be damaged but my bum would, the cane would soon be flashing. However I know and I do mean I know Mistress would never do that to me.......... I've just asked Her after writing this as She is reclined in our lounge watching Dowton Abbey........ Well actually I had to wait for the adverts.

    I guess we are all different, each with their own outlook, acceptance, wants and desires. In their case it stands a chance that both are happy with the arrangement, equally it is also possible that the man is so desperate for his need to submit and be dominated that he is willing to put up with anything.

    Incidentally i have in the past seen male subs so desperate that they have put up with almost anything, willing to pay for everything, to put it in a nut shell taken for a ride. I once saw a Woman play the Domme game just to get a free meal/champaign and I knew that She was really sub, I knew her master. I didn't have the heart to tell the male sub, he was having such a wonderful time it seemed unfair to shatter his illusions, I knew he would soon find out, my take was a few hours being happy was worth a few quid(dollars). He wouldn't have thanked me.

    I'm Hers just to let you know my Mistress has read some of your blog and says it's well written, and has something interesting to say.

    To My Hearts Desire are you going to devotions?, I'm Hers hope you don't mind me asking via your blog, it strikes me that My Hearts Desires reads you blog so it seems a good way to communicate.

    Hope all have a great week and that you I'm Hers are now well on the road to recovery.
    m

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    1. m,
      Always appreciate your thoughts. I think the key take away point that you wrote is that you would obey Mistress if she were to do something like that but you also know that she wouldn't. It seems that any loving mistress would act similar to yours. This one just seemed calloused and uncaring.

      I'm glad you're Mistress has enjoyed reading my blog. I've been joyed reading yours as well. Have a great week.

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  4. To each their own. There is stuff I don't understand and is not interested in myself, but if it is consensual acts between two adults (and a sub can after all walk out), then hey, who am I to judge? If she and he get off on him being in a cage and laughed at by her friends, then it's their business. It's done in private and so does not involve unwilling public spectators: in other words, it's not cool to lead your collared sub in public because you are then taking your kink/sex/whatever public.

    I'm surprised at you, ImHers, I had you pegged (pardon the pun) as more open minded. After all, you yourself are in chastity which is essentially a penis cage. Katie and you clearly enjoy that and it's no one's business that you do.

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    1. Anonymous,
      Please don't peg me LOL. I don't know if I am "that" open minded. Like it says in my profile description, I'm a pretty conservative guy. Although Katie likes me in chastity you need to remember that it is done for the sake of fidelity and as a reminder of her ownership of me. It is quite private and has been for the last several years. The example I gave is very different. Bringing sisters in to look at their brother-in-law is far from private and as you know people have to tell at least somebody what they saw or what they did. It's human nature. It's why secrets never remain secrets. And it's why this woman that commented on a blog that I respect more than any other bothered me. I don't think she made it up and yes, he could leave and not be her submissive if he didn't want to. That's why I place part of the blame, if there is blame to be put, on him.

      Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

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  5. Typo alert: meant to write AM interested in, not IS interested in.

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  6. I'm Hers.

    I'm so glad your still blogging. I think your blog is important. I think since you choose to contemplate, observe and write, that you represent many who are caught in a crossfire between their submissive needs and others misperceptions of what those needs are. You said, "I don't get it when a man makes a choice to reduce his own self esteem by engaging in these kinds of activities." The fact that you "don't get it" proves that being submissive is not dependent on certain activities like humiliation, and other things that many wives cannot engage in. Thank you, really. Your encouraging me tonight.

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    1. Anonymous,
      I'm glad I could be of encouragement to you. I don't know that I contemplate excessively different lifestyles but I definitely examine them through my own worldview-if that's the correct term to use. The comment about which I wrote the above post didn't fit into my view of a dominant/submissive relationship perspective. Now I could be totally wrong but for me, I guess it was the public humiliation that crossed the line. Hope you stop by again and contribute to further discussions.

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  7. I think your interpretation is faulty. No Woman, in our out of a Female Led Relationship, willingly exhibits Her husband to family and friends unless She is proud of him. This is true whether he is exhibited in a cage or on Her arm at a loft party in Soho. The fact that She exhibits him naked means She wants Her friends to see the great 'piece' She has bagged. S has never exhibited me quite that way but She has loaned me to Women who have had her permission to strip me and use me while naked and it amounts to the same thing. S has also publicly exercised dominion and control over me, particularly when we have dealt with local Businesswomen. S makes it clear that She is entirely in control of the transaction, usually instructs me not to speak keeps me standing demurely behind Her and if the other Woman addresses me I indicate that S makes decisions for us. And I am proud. It is an honor to be exhibited as S's possession. By taking time to control me S is indicating that She loves me. I am sure in the blog that you mention the husband feels the same way. As for training, ritual is very important in teaching a newbie to commit to the program. Your friend Ms. Kathy was fortunate to have Tara to aid her in this. In a prior response to you several years ago I told you how S used me as a work slave, summoned me at odd hours, occasionally dismissed me after I had travelled an hour to see Her simply because She "had changed Her mind." That was training too. I was there to serve S, She was not there for me to act out my fantasies. Certainly this Woman loves Her husband if She exhibits him to Her family. If She just wanted to put a guy in a cage for kicks She could simply go out to a club on Saturday night. You once said submitting to chastity made you realize how Katie possessed you or something like that. I responded by stating that in our relationship it was S's use of corporal discipline. Apparently Katie doesn't spank you and S has no problem with me stimulating myself if She does not want to use me at a particular time. Literally different strokes for different folks. The same is true of the Woman who enjoys exhibiting Her husband in a cage.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by! I hope you are doing well. I miss having you around sometimes as you bring different insights that I would never have thought of. Now, about this post…I got this from Kathy's blog. She wrote about her husband and probably revealed a little more than she wanted. This woman commented on her blog post and it was her comment that bothered me. Kathy deleted the post so it cannot be read any longer. I have no idea what the bigger picture is of this couple's relationship and maybe what she did was done because she was proud to show off her submissive. However, the tone of her comment strongly suggested that she was doing nothing more then having fun with a man she appeared to have little respect. Her comment really came off more as something she would say about a dog than about someone she loved.

      If I misinterpreted her words then I could better understand what she did-that is, if she displayed him because she was Pride for him and because her sisters were fully aware of her relationship and lifestyle. If that was not her intent then… I still don't get it. Take care of your mistress and stop by again :-)

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    2. I'm Hers thank you for your response. You never really know. Years ago when I was a stray male and exhibiting myself in urban clubs in hope of being acquired there was this married couple that showed up occasionally. The Wife usually wore jeans and a normal top, short sleeved or long sleeved depending on the time of year. Her husband crawled after Her on a leash wearing only a g string and a collar. Kathy talks of a "command position". This male could hold a position for an hour at his Wife's command and not move a muscle. The club had a doghouse for play and She would occasionally have him crawl into the doghouse or beg or sit in its doorway. There were social groups in the metro area that held weeknight meetings where people could talk about their fetishes. This man was not a regular but one night he showed up and talked about what it meant to be exhibited and how thrilled he was to serve his Wife in this way. It was one of the most soulful and romantic comments on marriage I have ever heard. Then the couple disappeared from the scene. A year or so later I encountered the man at the club. When I asked after his Wife he said "oh we're divorced". Now maybe the divorce occurred because of money or in laws or something totally unrelated to their sexual orientation. I did not pry. Still, it brought me up a little short. Make of this what you will. In any event I hope you and I have many more years serving our powerful Wives. (S's slave)

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  8. I think it's really important as the dominant partner, that we are careful not to misuse or abuse the power given to us. We have a submissive who will do anything we say. We should not abuse that trust.

    Karen

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  9. One more thought, a sub that is very dependent on his dominant partner would likely find it very difficult to just walk out. Like an abused wife that stays with her husband for years and years oc violence, it isn't always as simple as saying if you don't like it then leave. I'm glad that most of you have loving dominants that don't want to harm you. Some subs crave humiliation and perhaps thats the situation that you saw.

    Karen

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    1. Karen,
      You are a first time poster. Thank you for being a part of this discussion. I have a question for you… Are you a dominant woman with a submissive? I ask that only because you mentioned yourself as dominant but I wondered if you were in a relationship/or married to a submissive man.

      As to your comment, I think that in many relationships we either stay in them or become a part of them because they fill some deep-seated need. I understand your point about the difficulty of leaving a relationship even though it may not be a healthy one. In my case, I asked to submit to Katie because I thought it was something that I really needed and wanted. I didn't enter it because I knew how she felt or what she needed. In hindsight, I had no idea of what I was really getting myself into and should things have worked out differently I probably would have had a hard time getting out of a D/s relationship because of all of the other parts of Katie that attracted and drew me to her.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You provided a perspective I hadn't considered.

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  10. I am new to learning about FLRs and I am in email communication with a man who wants to enter into a FLR with me. I am not suggesting that all FLRs are unhealthy. But in my reading over the last six months or so about them, I see quite a few women abusing their power. I have also seen beautiful descriptions from loving couples where the relationship thrives. I hope mine will be a happy, respectful one.

    Karen

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  11. Hi I'm Hers,
    You have understood me completely.

    To Karen, I hope you don't mind, just a couple of thought:-

    The obvious ones first, any relationship can be health or unhealthy.

    The advantage to you of a FLR/M is that you can keep control, move at your pace, do less ironing! OK the last ones a bit light weight, but still very true.

    The disadvantages are many, being the life and soul of the party is hard work and can be stressful. Keeping your feet on the ground and not believing your own press can be harder than you may think.
    Not being an abusive Domme really difficult, not being so weak as a Domme even harder. To name but a few.

    Having said all that I have found during the last 10 years of marriage that being in a FLR then FLM the most wonderful, positive, loving partnership anyone could wish for. Problems are discussed not ignored or dwelt on. Respect is given and accepted. Loyalty is absolute, love is unconditional.

    So if you go down the FLR route, enjoy, stay safe and try and get to know him (assuming its a him) before you try the Domme bit. Being friends is more important than FLR, trust me I know.

    Oh and doing the Ironing occasionally gets you some brownie points, and even Dommes occasionally need brownie points!
    m

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  12. Your more than welcome, good luck and if you can let me know how it goes I would be eternally in your debt as I'm a horrible old nosy gossip.

    Have an ice cream on me
    m

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  13. Baby,

    One of the things I learned in the studio is that some men need to feel they are under the complete control of a woman. There are also men who have a strong desire for humiliation. When you put these two needs in combination there is no better training tool than the cage. We had one in the studio. There was a woman who would pay to have her husband kenneled for the night while she went out with her lover. In the morning he would crawl out of the kennel on all fours where upon she would leash him. It may sound cruel, but my suspicion is that they both loved the experience in their own way. Kathy

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    1. If you say so Miss Kathy. I just don't get this although I guess that some men are wired differently than me and are satisfied differently. But it wasn't the man that seemed to be the one in charge at all. It was the woman that appeared to be the one loving the fact that she could destroy this guys self esteem. I'm just glad Katie is not this way and has no intention of ever being so. Glad to have you back online and writing.

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    2. Sometimes childhood traumas can cause us to desire some pretty unusual attention in relationships. we werent all blessed with happy childhoods. I know i didnt have one. and it has caused relationship issues my whole adult life.

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    3. Sadly, you bring up a topic that is all too common. Way to many children are abused or neglected or experience things they have no business experiencing. Those 'abuses' can have life long impact and I'm sorry to hear that you feel you are one that has had to endure something as a child that should have never happened. As for me, I was never hugged or cuddled after age five or six. I'm sure that neglect has impacted me even as an older guy. In fact, I know it has.

      Thanks so much for sharing! Stop by again.

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