Thursday, October 9, 2014

It Didn't End Up Like I Thought

Safiownz commented on a previous post. She noted how individuals often stay in relationships even though they can sometimes be unhealthy. Her comment interested me, not because it is novel but because I have never thought of that from the perspective of it taking place in a D/s relationship. Many couples live in unhealthy relationships, whether they be abusive relationships or ones devoid of love. Some stay because of the emotional or financial security it provides or to maintain health insurance. I find those reasons sad yet I do understand, in certain situations, while one continues to remain in married rather than divorce. Katie and I have a friend who has been separated for years. She has not seen her husband in many months but remains ‘married’ because of the health insurance benefits his employment provides.

What Safiownz' comment implicitly addresses is the long-term implications that entering into a relationship entails. I had never considered what my life might be like five or fifteen years after submitting Katie. All I wanted initially was to submit and support her as she directed the two of us.

When we met that very first time I experienced something new. Katie, as mild-mannered and kind as she was, took control of our relationship. Things were done her way. I didn’t understand that she was exhibiting dominant traits but her demeanor sure triggered a response deep within my soul.  I didn’t associate my response with that of a submissive but realized that my attraction for her was partly due to the control that she exhibited. Everything was done on her terms. It was something I had never experienced and yet something that, when it happened, I found irresistible, so much so that I left that evening feeling I so loved because of that control.

Katie's attitude along with my subsequent self-exploration and a chance encounter with a D/s website eventually brought me to the point where I felt comfortable discussing a possible D/s relationship with her. I approached her with one thing in mind. I wanted to feel her dominance. I knew from what others had written, that this meant I needed to serve and in doing so make her life easier and more rewarding. I was all into that at the time. I distinctly remember sitting beside her. I had just given her a long list of things I wanted to do. The list contained both chores as well as gifts of service. Katie circled those offerings she wanted and crossed off those she didn't want. I was excited and aroused and felt very loved. What I didn’t understand was just how dramatically my life was about to change.  I couldn’t have cared less at the time. All I wanted was serve her in any and every way possible.

A week into becoming her full-time chef and kitchen cleaner I realized that I had committed to more than a momentary titillating experience of watching her circle item after item. The fact that I now had to spend a few hours each day cooking meals and doing a myriad of chores was no longer arousing. I remember feeling periodic regret for the next few months. I remember pouting at the inequity of what I  had done even though another part of me loved serving. It took some time to fully accept that "this" would be my life forever.

Sexually I had fantasies too but no longer was sex about me. Sex happened on her terms-meaning when she wanted, how she wanted and for as long as she wanted. No longer was I in a position to say "I want you to do this for me". As her submissive, stating my desires was no longer my prerogative. I was told to to deny myself when making love even when I wanted release; to lock in chastity when I wanted freedom; to unlock when I wanted to remain chaste and even to sit when urinating – even when I was free.

I gave up the ability to spend the money I earned. All of it became Katies and although I wanted her to assume this responsibility, there are times when I'd like to spend 'my' money on things I'd like to do. I can't and I refuse to try to twist her arm. I need to let go. I do let go, but sometimes I wish I didn't always have to.

I say this, not because I regret my decision to be Katie's submissive but because I made a commitment in which I didn’t fully understand its ramifications. Safiownz commented how hard it might be for a submissive to leave a relationship even though it turned out to not be what they had hoped. Katie has stated on many occasions that she is never going back to living in a "vanilla" relationship in which we relate as equals. I know I can't even go there even if I wanted. I am her submissive and will be forever. I promised in my marriage vow to live this way.

In hindsight, our relationship didn't turn out the way I had envisioned. I thought it would be different. I thought she would be more dominant. I thought she would push me more. I thought there would be more sex. I thought there would be more scene-play, I thought a lot of things would be different but, I really didn't understand what Katie wanted and that is what I failed to consider. When I submitted it was all about me and my desire to feel her control and have her take away my independence.

Early on Katie wrote and told telling me she would control every aspect of me. She stated that she expected me to eventually learn what she desired and that I would live my life knowing that it was her expectation that I would meet those desires. When I first submitted, I didn't understand this. I never even thought what her statements meant. It took many months before I came to fully understand.

And so I wonder: how many submissives live in relationships that aren't what they had expected? I wonder how many dominants live with men that don’t live up to what they hoped? I wonder how many submissives want "out" but are afraid to get out, or can't get out because they are obligated to live as their wife's submissive due to a contract or marriage vow? Femdom isn't for everyone; vanilla isn't for everyone.

Even though my relationship with Katie didn't end up being what I thought, I can say that I am completely happy with her style of dominance and how she rules me as the husband whom she owns. I am loved. I am cared for. I am cherished and I am Owned by a beautiful woman - both inside and out.  In the end, things actually turned out to be better than expected - just different than anticipated. 

I’m one of the lucky ones. 



  1. Very nice post. I would advise anyone contemplating a Femdom marriage to think long and hard about the words "commitment" and "flexibility". Things are going to evolve in ways that can't be anticipated early on, and if one is not truly committed to the D/s lifestyle, and the Femdom leading the way, then disaster is almost inevitable. Your experience gives truth to the concept of flexibility, and it's very pleasant to read that you've remained committed to your wife as the leader of the family despite not having things go quite as you'd imagined. Your flexibility is made possible because of your commitment, and that's as it should be. When you add "love" to the equation, the result is a happy submissive and a happy Dominant, and I'm glad to see that both are alive and well in your relationship. Well done!

    1. Lady Grey,
      Thanks for sharing. I always appreciate your perspective as well as your grammar/spelling lessons. I think that Katie and our relationship has worked from a dominant/submissive perspective because of our relationship came first. We fell in love as two individuals becoming a couple. It was only after that that we added my submission and her dominance. I think a lot of relationships work out that way-especially with older couples that have lived unhappy or only somewhat rewarding relationships and then have later tried a femdom one to see if it would add a spark. I'm sure personality type helps when both dominating and submitting and I am a pretty "I want to please you" type of guy. I'm sure that has helped me lots to go with the flow of Katie's leadership.

  2. Yes you are. You are one of the lucky ones. I have run away from an FLR only to realize that good will come with bad. I have to compromise a lot for a few benefits. but those benefits man are what I have craved all my life. I have come back to FLR and run away again and again and again. I am lucky because I have a wife who understand me for the child I am and she accepts me every time I beg for a followers life. She is wise because she sees that every time I come back I am a little more rooted to reality and have a better understanding of what she wants as compared to what I think she wants. it was really nice reading this post. What you are doing is the real thing. the real service. one day I hope to reach your level of dedication and understanding.

    1. AA, thank you so much for sharing in a vulnerable kind of way. You are a great example of one who lives in a Femdom relationship that may be less then perfect-not that any relationship of this type truly is. We are all human and we all have wants and needs and conflicts inevitably arise in every relationship.

      When you say that you have repeatedly run away, I hope that is in a figurative expression rather than an actual leaving of your wife and child. Your daughter needs a daddy and even though your wife may push you as the dominant leader of your home I want to encourage you to stand strong knowing that the few gifts she gives you and rewards you receive by submitting are well worth all the effort you put in on a daily basis.

      I applaud you for your honesty. Understanding who you are and realizing why you have both run away and come back can help you to never run away again but remain strong and supportive to the woman who owns you.

  3. What a lovely, thoughtful post. You are indeed a lucky boy.

    I can't help feeling that the sub's desires are also important. Of course Mistress sets the tone of the relationship but surely can't ignore the needs of her sub. I am thinking of situations like Kathy allowing John to 'dress up pretty for Mistress' and subs who enjoy strict bondage. Not allowing space for such would seem to create tension unnecessarily.

    From your previous posts, I got the impression that you do (and can) make 'suggestions'; I have in mind you sharing a blog about being pantied as an additional deterrent from straying. I feel the ability to bring ideas 'to the table' is important; most of our Ladies don't have access to the support network Kathy refers to in FemDom101.

    Kathy wrote recently of training a sub as being something of a chore. That may be, though hopefully outweighed in terms of service and obedience. It would seem you are a very good sub; Katie has trained you well.

    1. My hearts desire,
      You know, sometimes I write these posts with almost no topic in mind and people really enjoy them. Other times I feel like I have some profound thought to share and after I post it I received almost no comments. Who knows what makes a good post :-).

      Yes, sometimes I do offer suggestions and most of the time Katie listens and agrees with them. However, she doesn't enough times to remind me that she still is the one in charge. She also knows what needs I have and will sometimes cater to those needs. However, for the most part she doesn't. Life for me is mostly about pleasing Katie and not about me as a submissive man having everyone of my needs met. I've asked her for several things and have been turned down flatly. If she doesn't like my suggestion then it's not going to happen and I am not going to get what I want. I've learned to live with that. I guess it's called learning to grow up.

  4. Yes you are the lucky one and I'm sure Katie feels the same way as it does take two to make a relationship .I always love coming here and seeing how your FLR is growing .Thanks for sharing... RR

    1. Thanks RR. Always love you stopping by

  5. It's funny how much your story is parallel to mine. When Mistress K. and I started we already had the benefit of many blissful years together. We had always been comfortable being able to reveal ourselves and our kinks to each other without fear of putting our relationship at risk.

    For weeks leading up to me actually asking Mistress K. to consider a FLM, i thought long and hard about the "be careful what you ask for" part of it. I knew i had to be sure in my own mind that I really could be genuine pleasure from seeing and experiencing pleasure in my wife. I knew I had to be good with her decision about when and if i could come, and if it was going to happen, it was going to happen in the way SHE only decided it was going to happen. I had to know that even when i didn't feel like playing in my new game of FLM, that i would be able to genuinely respond to her leadership and control.

    All that was over three years ago and since then Mistress K. and I have had a wonderful journey of discovery together. I can tell you that I have "trained" to be able to experience so many of the truly wonderful aspects of true subspace and in doing so, have come to realize that my love for my Mistress Wife is deeper than I ever thought was possible, and still getting better every day.

    like you, mine has turned out differently that i expected on a day-to-day basis but mistress K and I have been able to achieve many of the true, genuine feelings that we each hoped we would discover. And the journey continues.

    Thanks for a great post.

    1. SubHub,
      I have noticed several similarities between your marriage to your mistress and mine. I love hearing stories SubHub and yours is no exception. If there is a difference I believe that you probably gave a little bit more forethought to the "be careful what you wish for" before submitting to your wife. Me, I just knew I had to. It was like a life of submission was calling me and I had to do it; especially given Katie's personality. It was that take control side of her that I couldn't resist.
      But like you, these past 3-4 years have been the best of my life. I can't imagine living as her equal nor do I ever want to. I so wish other men and women could see that for themselves. You have a great week friend!

  6. In a attempt to be a better husband ,(married 30 years) I began to read about how to control my stress.I found myself raising my voice out of frustration for no good reason to the women I loved.This is not who I wanted to be.I stumbled across chastity and how it helped a man to be more attentive to the women in there life.We give it a try and found that it did help,but my wife is not into it that much but does use it at times.I began to read about stress relief and how to deal with it.I found out that spankings helped relive stress,so wife and I give it a try.It works for me and combined with chastity It really works for me.We have always been equals in our marriage ,but in a attempt to be a better husband and treat my wife the way I want to treat her,I find that she is taking more of a lead as I submit to more spankings.At first she was afraid she would hurt me ,but with time she now delivers a hard spanking that makes a big differents in how I treat her. We are not in a FLM,but it is moving that way more all the time and I am becoming the kind of husband I want to be and she deserves.

    1. Welcome to the party my friend. I'm excited for you because you will begin to discover more and more things that allow your love for your (dominant) wife to continue to deepen.

    2. Fabricator, I love first-time visitors! Thank you for taking the time to share a thought. I think that there are literally thousands of men of your age bracket-which is my age bracket-that are looking for ways to make their marriage better.
      You tried chastity and now you are trying discipline. In the end it really doesn't matter what you do. To me, what matters is that you find something that works.
      Some marriages are the opposite of yours and mine; the husband, rather than the wife takes control. Some marriages are quite extreme- too extreme for my comfort but probably just right for them.
      For you, I can tell you are hoping that your wife will slowly take more control and if that's what the two of you need, I hope she does.
      Stop back again. Take time to share. Know that your thoughts stimulate those of the hundreds of others that read these comments. Enjoy your week.

  7. Despite our dedication to the happiness of our Mistresses, I’m learning that we submissives are not Supermen and do need to get some of our cravings satisfied. Donna loves me and has happily accepted my submission, but hasn’t developed any daily routines of showing ownership of me. While I am committed to serving and obeying my wife, and placing her happiness at the top of my list, I’ll find myself frustrated or disheartened if I don’t get a little attention every now and then.

    Usually I joyfully press on and remind myself it’s about Her and to be patient, but the last two weeks went by with almost no intimacy, ownership, teasing, belittling or pinching from my beautiful Queen. Donna was firmly in charge and held high expectations for me, but I literally couldn’t sleep for the past week because I wasn’t getting any of the any fun sign s of ownership from her.

    She sensed I was down and forced me to talk. Donna even asked me, “Are you mad at me?” That’s not something I wanted to admit to my Beautiful Queen, but

    under that glare, I had to respond honestly and state that I was unhappy with the lack of attention from her. She then pinched my nipples very hard, made me kiss her feet and told me to stop whining! Donna has lovingly chewed me out for the last two days, swatted me and called me names; and I have eagerly been romancing and serving her. I polished three pairs of her shoes last night, much to her approval, and order has been restored.

    So, I learned that I need to be loving and strong and also willing to communicate about what I need to thrive and be the best husband and father I can possibly be. The cool thing is, Donna will tell me to “Shut the Hell up now!” when she understands my point. I love that woman.