Friday, November 28, 2014

I want this. She wants that. Who gets?

I've had some interesting emails, and in some cases email conversations recently. A few men have written asking for advice because their wife wasn't interested in doing something or because they wanted something to be a part of their relationship  that she didn't want.  For more than a week I corresponded with a woman who had been kind of dating a guy that wanted orgasm denial, wanted to cross dress, wanted hormone therapy to become feminine, didn't want to use his organ to penetrate.  However she wasn't sure about all of this and noted that she enjoyed conventional sex - having a man's penis inside her. 

Life is filled with feelings. We all like certain things and dislike others. Whether it be food, sports, friends, social settings, entertainment or love, we have our personal preferences. I was watching TV and heard someone ask if they should not only look for a suitable mate but also for in-laws that they enjoy and respect.  The 'expert' answered, commenting how hard it is just to find a great partner without the added criteria of finding in-laws that also are compatable.  All that to say is it's hard to find someone who you love to love and who wants to love you.

Couples that have a desire to live as dominant and submissive are no different than those that don't. Above all else they want to be loved, Submitting to a woman should be an act of love. Ruling a man should also be, above all else, a way of expressing love through leadership.  But when a couple comes to the bargaining table - each with their own desires - how do they sort through all of this 'he wants', 'she wants' stuff?

One possibility is to follow the 'Rika' method.  She suggests a submissive man should present a list of services he is willing to provide and then let the dominant female pick and choose what she'd like from that list he made.  In that way, he is asked to do nothing that he has not previously agreed to do since he developed the list himself.

Another possibility is for the male to truly submit, knowing that his partner loves him. If love has formed the basis for their relationship then so should trust. If he indeed trusts that she will love him while simultaneously requiring him to do more he should be pleased with all she asks of him. This may mean he won't be doing only what he wants but he will be meeting her needs. Isn't that what a real submissive should want?

A third possibility is the two come to some type of agreement - kind of a pre-nup - if you will.

Looking at this from the perspective of a submissive, it would seem the first two options are the only ones that really demonstrate a power differential. The latter doesn't as it necessitates the sub to discuss things from a position of equality. Where is the submission in that?  That's what bothered me with the woman that was dating the guy that wanted her to do this and this and this.  I told her he was topping from the bottom - calling himself a submissive yet, acting like a domme in many respects.

A real submissive/slave would opt for option two and simply trust.  And if he does, and if she leads.... wow! What a life the two can share - a life of love, of service, of him being led and she truly ruling.

In all this, it doesn't mean that the submissive can't voice opinions and concerns but in the end, a true submissive should refrain from nagging and embrace her decisions after voicing any concerns. If he doesn't, has he really submitted?

I'm Hers

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Insanity of Repeated Spankings

When I was growing up and did something wrong I was disciplined – spanked to be specific.  I can’t tell you how many times I remember my mother saying, “You just wait until your father gets home”.  The typical way this played out was that when dad got home, mom would tell him what terrible thing I did, dad would confront me (he had to get worked up to carry out his part of the job, you know), then he’d shout, “Get upstairs to your bedroom.” I’d turn and hightail it up the steps. There were 13 steps in our house – actually 14, but I had to turn right to step on the 14th.  I learned real quick that I needed to fly up those 13 stairs because dad would smack my butt until I made the right hand turn and flew down the hall and into my bedroom crying in pain.  He always got in 5 whacks no matter how fast I ran. It was whack 4 and 5 that did the damage. The first three just softened me up. When I got to high school I was a sprinter. Maybe dad had something to do with that.

When I reached 5th or 6th grade I don’t remember getting a ‘lickin’.  Rather I’d lose privileges like not getting an allowance, not permitted to go over a friend’s house or some other similar pain they’d impose.  When I became a parent I modeled my parents – yes I made my children’s butt nice and red when they were young. No I am not an Adrian Peterson but I believe in the adage, spare the rod and spoil the child when the situation arose. I didn't have to spank them many times but I had to a few with each.  I now have beautiful adult kids that are model citizens and love their dad – and as an aside so I didn't 'beat' them - if that is what you are thinking. I learned that the key to punishment is not the whacking or loss of a privilege but rather the talking that goes on between parent and child after the emotional storm has passed.  The teaching is not in the beating. Any moron can do that. The teaching is explaining why they were spanked and talking with them about how they can make a better choice next time.  My parents never did the educational part – maybe they were morons – but to beat a child and then do nothing else…. Come on, we’re better than that. We need to teach so bad actions are not repeated.

As a fifty something adult, I’ve been physically punished by Katie only once.  That was about four years ago. I have not been punished since.  In the femdom, Domme/sub, Domme/slave world discipline is a part of many adult spousal relationships.  My personal opinion is….. Why in the world is an adult woman hitting an adult man?  I mean, really, is it really necessary?  I understand in the mind of a small child that they don’t yet understand higher levels of learning and so physical pain works wonders when used on a mind that has an IQ not very well developed.  But as the brain matures, most parents would agree that other forms of punishment work just as well or better than the spanking they use to use.  Now I know that those that read this blog are smart, intelligent, higher level thinking people. You don’t have a 2nd grade brain. You understand things clearly. You may be stubborn but you aren’t dumb.  So, if I have you pegged right, why do you need to be repeatedly spanked? I mean, why does your wife need to treat you in the same way she does your eight year old son or daughter? Why do you get treated more immaturely then your fifteen year old? Can you see where I’m going with this? Where's the consistency? Where's the parallel to how we raise children as they develop intellectually and emotionally?

I don’t know that Katie would ever spank me again even if the same situation arose. (I asked her after writing this and learned that she would and do so even harder next time.) I know that if I was your Domme I could drive home my point by dropping you off a mile or so from home have you remove your shirt, give you a cinder block and tell you to carry it above your shoulders to the back door. Believe me; you’d never repeat the wrong you did again. Your hands would be raw, your back and shoulders sore, your chest probably all scraped up from the block rubbing against you – and I wouldn’t even have to raise a hand.  Waha – mission accomplished.  And if you made the same mistake I’d double the distance next time. Sooner or later you’d get the point real fast.

When I was a child I rarely repeated my mistakes because the pain of the punishment hurt too much. Yes I did things wrong again and again in some areas of my life but as the whacks became harder or if dad opted to follow me into the bedroom to deliver a few more blows, I soon learned the pleasure of the wrong just wasn’t worth the pain of the correction.  What I don’t get with domestic discipline is the physical aspect itself but even more – why so many wives are having to repeat the spanking so many times?  In my simple mind, if it needs to be repeated then this method of discipline obviously needs to be altered to something more effective.  In the medical world they call it evidence based practice, meaning that things are done because they work – or not done because they’ve been shown not to be effective. Insurance companies don’t reimburse if the same treatment is given again and again without improvement demonstrated. If you’ve had a surgery you might be entitled to 10 visits to a therapist but not 20. Insurance companies know the statistics; that a good therapist can return you to full health in those limited visits. They aren’t paying out for the 50 visits they use to do back in the 1980’s.

If your wife spanks you and has to repeat the spanking many times, isn’t the handwriting on the wall? Isn’t it clear to her that this method of punishment isn’t working?  Might she need to change tactics? Maybe all she needs to do is to sit you down like the mature adults you are and have a direct conversation with you explaining what she is upset with and what you need to do to prevent a recurrence rather than drag you by the ear over to the bed, and beat the you know what out of you for the 85th time in the past two years?  It’s obvious that after 85 times something isn’t working here and that spanking isn't proving to be the deterrent she thought it would serve. After all, the goal here is behavioral modification.

OK, I’ve intentionally tried to stir the pot but I’ve done so with a purpose.  I hope that those of you engaged of domestic discipline will chime in and share perspectives. Guys, do you hate to be spanked or is this a game, a form of D/s play in some respects? The proof is in the pudding. If it works it rarely should have to be repeated. If it is repeated often then what’s the deal? 

Mistresses…. How do you feel? After all, you’re the one deciding on what form of discipline he will get. Maybe you like beating his ass and so you repeat the insanity of doing something that doesn’t really produce changed behavior. Maybe you do it to please him. Maybe you do it because you enjoy it. Maybe it’s all just a game. Maybe you’ve not thought of other more effective ways of correcting misbehavior. Love to hear the thoughts of others.

I’m Hers


Sunday, November 16, 2014

Leadership Styles

I just finished vacuuming the house, something I was supposed to do on Sunday but didn't. At the time of writing this post it is Tuesday. Katie has said nothing about me missing my earlier cleaning deadline. Today however she made the comment to her grandchild saying, "eew, the floor is dirty!" Saying it loud enough for me to hear I got the hint, fetched the vacuum and proceeded to clean the entire house.

That statement got me thinking about Katie's particular leadership style. She is not an 'in your face' personality type. She is more the polar opposite in many ways. Yes, she is stubborn and yes, she has uncompromising values but she rarely loses her cool - well almost never. Because of this, she rarely will tell me directly that something absolutely needs immediate attention. It's not that she hasn't ever made such statements but those occasions are more uncommon than common. She is more comfortable telling me such things as "the gardens need watering" or "I left my purse in the car." These open-ended statements could be taken as rhetorical comments but I know better. What she is really saying is, "I need you to water the gardens and I need you to go get my purse." I wish she would be more direct and in fact she has slowly been moving in that direction.  

It's not like Katie hasn't moved along the continuum toward being more direct. I remember those early days of our WLM when Katie usually made comments like "do you think you can water the garden?" or "Can you get my purse?" I would always say with a hint of humor in my voice, "Was that a question?" It was my way of reminding her to rephrase her question into a statement - which she would then do. Now she uses statements. They just aren’t one containing the phrase "I want … now "

Often, Katie uses a passive rather than a direct approach. I don’t know if this is her preferred style but is one commonly used. I remember one of the first instances I experienced this leadership style. It remains almost as vivid now as it did some years ago when it took place. As a bit of a preface, we have both a cat and a dog. Katie feeds the cat wet food as a supplement to the dry food she also receives. Each night before bed, Katie she gives the dog the paper plate on which the cat earlier ate her wet food. There is usually almost nothing left but for whatever reason the dog can't wait for us to head to the bedroom knowing she will get what little is left of the semi-dried food the cat didn’t eat.

When we rise each morning Katie leaves the bedroom first since I shower after and straighten the bedroom and bathroom. Prior to my submission, Katie would pick up the paper plate on her way downstairs. However, ever since I became her submissive she has yet to pick up even one. What I remember that first morning after I formally submitted is walking out of the bedroom and seeing a 5 inch paper plate shredded on the hallway floor. The dog had licked and chewed it until it disintegrated into small pieces. When I saw the pieces, I realized Katie had stepped intentionally over them, leaving them for me. That has been her modus operandi ever since.

That’s her style of passive leadership and she often ignores unfinished chores by leaving them unfinished as a way of reminding me that she’s not ever going to do them. It’s now up to me to find a way to get what I’ve been assigned done. She will let dishes remain in the sink, leave the dishwasher full of clean items rather than emptying it, let wash sit in the washer rather than throwing them in the dryer or leave dried clothes in the dryer or heaped on top instead of folding them; leave grocery/shopping bags on the floor for me to put away. In part, she tolerates my ADHD episodes when I don’t finish a task but by in large I believe she knows that it’s important for her to stand her ground and make me do the house chores she wishes not to do. I admire her for standing firm and I’ve come to respect and love her for demonstrating that kind of uncompromising leadership.

If Katie does lack confidence as my dominant wife it would be in the area of providing consequences to me for actions of disobedience or ignorance. I can be a stubborn man and I am still stubborn in certain areas of life. Katie will sometimes gently scold me but she has yet to force me to do something against my will as a way to correct parent behavior or to provide me with a means of better remembering things in the future. I don't completely understand why but I highly suspect she does not want to treat me like a child. She has also told me that if she punishes me with corner time it takes me away from being with her. Maybe in time she will think differently but for now, her decision has been made, and as I stated earlier, she can be a stubborn woman.

I’m Hers


Monday, November 10, 2014

A Busy Weekend With Only One Oops

Our Saturday was to be one in which we’d travel to a relative’s first birthday party some distance away. I knew it would occupy the majority of our day and so I wanted to get my chores done quickly and efficiently before we left. However, Katie elected to sleep in and that meant even less time to work.

One of the expectations Katie has is that I am to remain in bed until ‘it’s time to get up’. Usually Katie will roll my way, tell me to move and spoon behind, pulling me in close and wrapping me up securely. That little requirement has done lots to help me understand my focus is to be her pleasure and not my agenda. Sometimes she'll want to sleep in till late in the morning and even though I'm wide-awake much earlier I’ll remain in bed either being spooned or spooning depending on what she wants. It is a wonderful feeling and one in which I can’t help but feel owned.  And indeed I am.

In any event, after we rose I was able to cook us a hot breakfast while getting three loads of wash mostly done, strip and remake the bed, clean the bedroom and bath and wash dishes that Katie had left for me to do after making a mess of the kitchen the evening before.  I was hoping we’d make love too but it was not to be. It’s amazing how much I live to be unlocked even for a few minutes of stimulation knowing I’ll be able to please my beautiful wife sexually.  I also thought I’d be free of the chastity cage since our day was one shared but she informed me I’d be locked all day. While I was putting dishes away Katie mentioned, for me to be careful when I took out the wrapped presents since one was an oddly shaped box.

I cruised through my morning assignments, knocking them off one by one and now was about ready to go. Just before we left, I took the packages out, placed them in the back seat and promptly put my finger through the very package she told me to be careful when handling. Ugh!!!  I ripped it open royally! Katie was not happy but the damage was done.  Thank goodness for gift bags at Dollar stores!

After returning home from the party we spent a relaxing evening together although I still had an hour or so of work to finish.  The following morning I was told to “unlock for a few minutes”. It was a common with a qualifying time limit and one that I have not heard before. We made love for the second time this week. Like every time, it was wonderful. There is nothing like knowing it is me that brings her such pleasure. I couldn’t care less about ejaculating. I’ve really come full circle in this area knowing it's my duty to provide her with the sexual satisfaction she wants at the time. No longer is our lovemaking about my reaching climax. Rather it really has become the time of me focusing on how I can best please her.

After I was told to shower and lock as soon as I finished.  It was another implication that she wants me locked more often than less and it was a Sunday - another day that usually be free because I'd be spending it entirely with her.  She has been getting inside my head, partly because of a passing comment I made a few weeks ago about being increasingly horny. The additional time in chastity the past week or so has only made that desire heighten that as I can feel every expansion of my little soldier throughout the day.

We shopped for food later in the day after she agreed to the upcoming dinner options I presented. Monday morning I’ll be putting a roast in the Crockpot and baking a salmon fillet and side dishes that will get her through the week.

I thought work was done but after dinner Katie let me know that the dog needed washing.  Doing so is a two-person job. My job is to get her in the tub while we both wash her. It was this chore that stimulated this post. Here’s how it played out:

After getting the dog upstairs and in the bathroom with the door locked (she knows when it’s bath time and tends to avoid us), I stripped completely until wearing nothing but my Jailbird while Katie got the soap, conditioner, knee pad and towels out.  I got in the tub with the dog and then we worked together wetting, washing, trimming and drying her. When done, I lifted her out and Katie and the dog left – leaving me to clean the tub that is filled with dog hair and who knows what else, put everything away and returned the room to its previous state.  There is no eroticism in the chore but to the outsider, the power dynamic is evident; she’s dressed, I’m naked. I’m locked and made to be in the tub getting just as wet as the dog while Katie stays dry – and then I clean up the mess while she leaves me to my task.  But I love it and am so glad she has the confidence to walk away and leave the tidying up to me.

It’s who we are; who we’ve both become and the changes that have taken place within the two of us have been beyond wonderful.  We love one another passionately, deeply and openly. Katie knows she’s in charge and I know I am hers and an obligated to obey. It’s her dream come true and mine as well.

I’m Hers


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

It's 95% on Her

I received a comment the other day from Scott,a  frequent responder whom I respect and have come to know as an online friend. He expressed disappointed with his Mistress wife because she had done little to nothing of reminding him that he was her sub. Apparently this had gone on for a few weeks. He commented that she had noticed his depressed attitude and wondered if he was mad at her. In the end they talked things out and she took it upon herself to tease and torment him. It didn't sound like it was anywhere near an all-day event - probably no more than several minutes but he is now as happy as a lark.

I read on the "Women in control" blog a similar story. Lady Grey's husband Karl wants more from her than he is currently experiencing. She noted that maybe he is in a 'ho-hum' state with respect to being her submissive. Lady Grey has decided to remedy that situation by setting up "slave weekends" once a month. These will be three days of intense dominance and I'm sure he will love it. I applaud her for making the effort to listen and address the situation.

Lady Grey made the comment that she believes the Domme bears 95% of the responsibility for keeping things fresh and exciting in the marriage. What an interesting thought!

In a recent post, Kathy made the comment that being a mistress to a man is an act of love but there is no inner thrill with being that mistress. She went on to say that monitoring is imperative and making sure he has no privacy is essential and disciplining is an act of love and a part of the job.

I was thinking back to the past few days of my own life. Over the weekend I worked hard for Katie several hours each day. I didn't have lots of down time but rather made sure I took care of dirty laundry, vacuumed, swept, scrubbed and straightened various parts of the house. On Monday I spent the entire morning in the kitchen cooking and cleaning as I prepared meals for the next several days. I worked hard and did it because that is my role as Katie's submissive. Most every night I massage my beautiful wife and do small things around the house as she orders me. There is the underlying knowledge that she is in charge and that I am obligated to serve - which is what we both want and have agreed to but when she does order me around it's done much the way my friend Scott's wife approaches him. She just tells me what to do. She rarely reminds me that she Owns me or that I'm her submissive or that I have no choice about this, or that I'll always be hers to use as she wants, etc. For example, this morning she said "I can't remember if I opened the door last night before I came to bed. I responded asking if she wanted me to check and she said yes. I came back and she asked if I had checked to see if the dog's food bowl was empty. I told her I didn't. There as a pause and then I asked if she wanted me to check. She again said she did. There was no femdom going on in our discussion and in part, I had to pull out what she really wanted me to do. After feeding the dog I was told to unlock and we made love. Katie isn't verbal when we are close and it has never been a D/s time. After getting up I did my morning bedroom/bathroom chores and then cooked her a hot breakfast. Only once did she make even the slightest comment that had anything to do with me being her sub, or me being Owned, or me being her slave.

My point is that men who submit thrive on being reminded that they are owned and the slave of the woman to whom they are married and bound. If Lady Grey's comment is true then it would seem as if dominant women everywhere would be most conscientious about making sure that their submissive is continually reminded of his position with respect to her, if for nothing else than that it promotes greater submission and compliance with what she expects of him. Scott was bummed and depressed because he received none of that. Karl may be slacking with Lady Grey because of similar laxity.

If I remember correctly, Rika, in her book, stated that one of the requirements of a dominant is to sexually tease her submissive. She believed it was one of the key necessities to making sure that his mind remained focused on her. Making him consume after he orgasms, grabbing his crotch, sucking on him for 10 seconds, revealing a bit more cleavage than usual, telling him that "maybe tonight I will…", or "maybe tonight you will…", using 'catch' phrases that she knows triggers 'that' submissive response are things that the mistress should be doing to make sure that the marriage remains fresh and that her husband continues to be captivated by her lore.

It's one thing to enjoy the fruit of having a submissive or slave at ones' beckon but with that freedom comes the responsibility of making sure that the submissive/slave remains just that. And besides, it is fun! I mean, wouldn't any woman want to do things to play with her husband's mind, teasing and tormenting him in ways that only make his desire for her grow ever stronger? How much effort does that take? Not much, especially given the benefits of a few minutes of play and reminding him that he is indeed hers has such a dramatic impact on his compliance. But it does take effort. It does take energy and sometimes a bit more effort. As Lady Grey noted 95% of the responsibility is the dominant’s to make this happen. If she forgoes her duties and only reaps his hard efforts what will come of him eventually? Will he become depressed like my friend Scott? Will he become lax like Karl? Will he lose interest and no longer desire to live to please and submit? The choice is hers. The choice is always hers since she's the one in charge.

I'm Hers