Friday, November 28, 2014

I want this. She wants that. Who gets?

I've had some interesting emails, and in some cases email conversations recently. A few men have written asking for advice because their wife wasn't interested in doing something or because they wanted something to be a part of their relationship  that she didn't want.  For more than a week I corresponded with a woman who had been kind of dating a guy that wanted orgasm denial, wanted to cross dress, wanted hormone therapy to become feminine, didn't want to use his organ to penetrate.  However she wasn't sure about all of this and noted that she enjoyed conventional sex - having a man's penis inside her. 

Life is filled with feelings. We all like certain things and dislike others. Whether it be food, sports, friends, social settings, entertainment or love, we have our personal preferences. I was watching TV and heard someone ask if they should not only look for a suitable mate but also for in-laws that they enjoy and respect.  The 'expert' answered, commenting how hard it is just to find a great partner without the added criteria of finding in-laws that also are compatable.  All that to say is it's hard to find someone who you love to love and who wants to love you.

Couples that have a desire to live as dominant and submissive are no different than those that don't. Above all else they want to be loved, Submitting to a woman should be an act of love. Ruling a man should also be, above all else, a way of expressing love through leadership.  But when a couple comes to the bargaining table - each with their own desires - how do they sort through all of this 'he wants', 'she wants' stuff?

One possibility is to follow the 'Rika' method.  She suggests a submissive man should present a list of services he is willing to provide and then let the dominant female pick and choose what she'd like from that list he made.  In that way, he is asked to do nothing that he has not previously agreed to do since he developed the list himself.

Another possibility is for the male to truly submit, knowing that his partner loves him. If love has formed the basis for their relationship then so should trust. If he indeed trusts that she will love him while simultaneously requiring him to do more he should be pleased with all she asks of him. This may mean he won't be doing only what he wants but he will be meeting her needs. Isn't that what a real submissive should want?

A third possibility is the two come to some type of agreement - kind of a pre-nup - if you will.

Looking at this from the perspective of a submissive, it would seem the first two options are the only ones that really demonstrate a power differential. The latter doesn't as it necessitates the sub to discuss things from a position of equality. Where is the submission in that?  That's what bothered me with the woman that was dating the guy that wanted her to do this and this and this.  I told her he was topping from the bottom - calling himself a submissive yet, acting like a domme in many respects.

A real submissive/slave would opt for option two and simply trust.  And if he does, and if she leads.... wow! What a life the two can share - a life of love, of service, of him being led and she truly ruling.

In all this, it doesn't mean that the submissive can't voice opinions and concerns but in the end, a true submissive should refrain from nagging and embrace her decisions after voicing any concerns. If he doesn't, has he really submitted?

I'm Hers


  1. Once again my friend ......... truer words were never spoken (written).

    We all have our take on this. Obviously mine is very similar to yours in that I feel the desire and need to truly submit to Mistress K. in a way that does not put any preconceived 'conditions' on her range of options.

    I truly do love her and I truly do trust her. We have talked long and hard (and will continue to) about limits, especially my limits in that I am the submissive. We talked about how limits would be defined as though things that simply would never be accepted by me in my role as her committed, collared and beloved submissive husband. The border line between off limits and ok will constantly change, especially since we mutually agree that although crossing the limit line is never something we want to do, we constantly want to test those limit lines. All that being said, I truly do trust Mistress K. to love me, to respect my limits and to feel comfortable to utilize me in my lovingly submissive role in whatever way pleases her at any given moment.

    I am allowed to ask questions, make suggestion, express like or dislike for something that we may or may not be doing, but in the context of our loving FLM, unless it is a limit border line issue, the only true response to come from Mistress is that she will take it into consideration. HER consideration. Then trusting her to truly decide what is best in any given situation is a constant source of comfort for me.

    I hope your turkey day was a good one, my wise friend.

    1. SubHub, I think you said so elequently what our friend RR stated below as well. Being loved, having one to love. Knowing our respective roles and loving being her submissive is a wonderful place to be. I know you know all this but it's good to read your words nevertheless. Have a wonderful week!

  2. A very well written post. Also the reply from Sub Hub. The man is indeed topping from the bottom. A suggestion is just that, a suggestion. What happens from there is up to the dominate one. He wants to be more feminine and does not want to penetrate her. But what if she loves to have him penetrate her. Just because you are dominate does not mean you want to settle for a vibrator all the time. Maybe she should move on and find a real submissive. My wife has "trained" me in many things she likes and at first I didn't like them but in time found I actually love them. Trying to top from the bottom should earn a very, very hard spanking.

    1. I agree archedone but since she is not in a relationship with him - more of a casual friendship - from my understanding, I don't know that he will get a spanking but I understand your point. He is using her to get what he wants rather than vice versa. Thanks for stopping by!

  3. As always another great post. When my wife and I began our WLR we did discuss that she would be the leader in the relationship. Yes she does ask my opinion and she does control our sex life as to when where and how and her word is final period. I am the submissive and supportive partner in our marriage and after 3 years would not want it any other way. In fact a couple weeks ago she told me there is no way we were going back to our old relationship I agreed . She makes sure my needs are met but on her terms I truly could not be happier. R R

  4. RR, "In fact a couple weeks ago she told me there is no way we were going back to our old relationship" Isn't hearing that just the best? I love it when Katie either says those words or infers them in some way. There indeed is no better feeling than to know that 'she' loves this as much as I.

  5. You are so fortunate to have a wife who wants to control you. Maybe you could tell that woman that if they have a relationship, she could keep him in orgasm denial and let him cross dress but he must obey and penetrate her when she wants that, too. In that way, she could get what she wants and still control him. Don't know if it would work for not but a suggestion.At least the guy told her what his needs were and they can see if they can work things out if they go forward.


    1. I do know that she enjoys her friendship with him but whether that relationship will ever work… I have no idea. I guess in the end both would have to agree on something mutually agreeable. Wouldn't you agree?

  6. I like the idea of taking the man's desires, concerns, opinions into consideration. And sometimes I take that way too far. But that I would be the one who makes the final call and he agrees to honor that decision. I heard one couple call the pre nup idea a servitude agreement. I kinda like the sound of that. Agreeing where the boundaries are. But also agreeing who makes the decisions. Ty for the post.