Friday, November 28, 2014
I want this. She wants that. Who gets?
I've had some interesting emails, and in some cases email conversations recently. A few men have written asking for advice because their wife wasn't interested in doing something or because they wanted something to be a part of their relationship that she didn't want. For more than a week I corresponded with a woman who had been kind of dating a guy that wanted orgasm denial, wanted to cross dress, wanted hormone therapy to become feminine, didn't want to use his organ to penetrate. However she wasn't sure about all of this and noted that she enjoyed conventional sex - having a man's penis inside her.
Life is filled with feelings. We all like certain things and dislike others. Whether it be food, sports, friends, social settings, entertainment or love, we have our personal preferences. I was watching TV and heard someone ask if they should not only look for a suitable mate but also for in-laws that they enjoy and respect. The 'expert' answered, commenting how hard it is just to find a great partner without the added criteria of finding in-laws that also are compatable. All that to say is it's hard to find someone who you love to love and who wants to love you.
Couples that have a desire to live as dominant and submissive are no different than those that don't. Above all else they want to be loved, Submitting to a woman should be an act of love. Ruling a man should also be, above all else, a way of expressing love through leadership. But when a couple comes to the bargaining table - each with their own desires - how do they sort through all of this 'he wants', 'she wants' stuff?
One possibility is to follow the 'Rika' method. She suggests a submissive man should present a list of services he is willing to provide and then let the dominant female pick and choose what she'd like from that list he made. In that way, he is asked to do nothing that he has not previously agreed to do since he developed the list himself.
Another possibility is for the male to truly submit, knowing that his partner loves him. If love has formed the basis for their relationship then so should trust. If he indeed trusts that she will love him while simultaneously requiring him to do more he should be pleased with all she asks of him. This may mean he won't be doing only what he wants but he will be meeting her needs. Isn't that what a real submissive should want?
A third possibility is the two come to some type of agreement - kind of a pre-nup - if you will.
Looking at this from the perspective of a submissive, it would seem the first two options are the only ones that really demonstrate a power differential. The latter doesn't as it necessitates the sub to discuss things from a position of equality. Where is the submission in that? That's what bothered me with the woman that was dating the guy that wanted her to do this and this and this. I told her he was topping from the bottom - calling himself a submissive yet, acting like a domme in many respects.
A real submissive/slave would opt for option two and simply trust. And if he does, and if she leads.... wow! What a life the two can share - a life of love, of service, of him being led and she truly ruling.
In all this, it doesn't mean that the submissive can't voice opinions and concerns but in the end, a true submissive should refrain from nagging and embrace her decisions after voicing any concerns. If he doesn't, has he really submitted?