Tuesday, November 4, 2014

It's 95% on Her

I received a comment the other day from Scott,a  frequent responder whom I respect and have come to know as an online friend. He expressed disappointed with his Mistress wife because she had done little to nothing of reminding him that he was her sub. Apparently this had gone on for a few weeks. He commented that she had noticed his depressed attitude and wondered if he was mad at her. In the end they talked things out and she took it upon herself to tease and torment him. It didn't sound like it was anywhere near an all-day event - probably no more than several minutes but he is now as happy as a lark.

I read on the "Women in control" blog a similar story. Lady Grey's husband Karl wants more from her than he is currently experiencing. She noted that maybe he is in a 'ho-hum' state with respect to being her submissive. Lady Grey has decided to remedy that situation by setting up "slave weekends" once a month. These will be three days of intense dominance and I'm sure he will love it. I applaud her for making the effort to listen and address the situation.

Lady Grey made the comment that she believes the Domme bears 95% of the responsibility for keeping things fresh and exciting in the marriage. What an interesting thought!

In a recent post, Kathy made the comment that being a mistress to a man is an act of love but there is no inner thrill with being that mistress. She went on to say that monitoring is imperative and making sure he has no privacy is essential and disciplining is an act of love and a part of the job.

I was thinking back to the past few days of my own life. Over the weekend I worked hard for Katie several hours each day. I didn't have lots of down time but rather made sure I took care of dirty laundry, vacuumed, swept, scrubbed and straightened various parts of the house. On Monday I spent the entire morning in the kitchen cooking and cleaning as I prepared meals for the next several days. I worked hard and did it because that is my role as Katie's submissive. Most every night I massage my beautiful wife and do small things around the house as she orders me. There is the underlying knowledge that she is in charge and that I am obligated to serve - which is what we both want and have agreed to but when she does order me around it's done much the way my friend Scott's wife approaches him. She just tells me what to do. She rarely reminds me that she Owns me or that I'm her submissive or that I have no choice about this, or that I'll always be hers to use as she wants, etc. For example, this morning she said "I can't remember if I opened the door last night before I came to bed. I responded asking if she wanted me to check and she said yes. I came back and she asked if I had checked to see if the dog's food bowl was empty. I told her I didn't. There as a pause and then I asked if she wanted me to check. She again said she did. There was no femdom going on in our discussion and in part, I had to pull out what she really wanted me to do. After feeding the dog I was told to unlock and we made love. Katie isn't verbal when we are close and it has never been a D/s time. After getting up I did my morning bedroom/bathroom chores and then cooked her a hot breakfast. Only once did she make even the slightest comment that had anything to do with me being her sub, or me being Owned, or me being her slave.

My point is that men who submit thrive on being reminded that they are owned and the slave of the woman to whom they are married and bound. If Lady Grey's comment is true then it would seem as if dominant women everywhere would be most conscientious about making sure that their submissive is continually reminded of his position with respect to her, if for nothing else than that it promotes greater submission and compliance with what she expects of him. Scott was bummed and depressed because he received none of that. Karl may be slacking with Lady Grey because of similar laxity.

If I remember correctly, Rika, in her book, stated that one of the requirements of a dominant is to sexually tease her submissive. She believed it was one of the key necessities to making sure that his mind remained focused on her. Making him consume after he orgasms, grabbing his crotch, sucking on him for 10 seconds, revealing a bit more cleavage than usual, telling him that "maybe tonight I will…", or "maybe tonight you will…", using 'catch' phrases that she knows triggers 'that' submissive response are things that the mistress should be doing to make sure that the marriage remains fresh and that her husband continues to be captivated by her lore.

It's one thing to enjoy the fruit of having a submissive or slave at ones' beckon but with that freedom comes the responsibility of making sure that the submissive/slave remains just that. And besides, it is fun! I mean, wouldn't any woman want to do things to play with her husband's mind, teasing and tormenting him in ways that only make his desire for her grow ever stronger? How much effort does that take? Not much, especially given the benefits of a few minutes of play and reminding him that he is indeed hers has such a dramatic impact on his compliance. But it does take effort. It does take energy and sometimes a bit more effort. As Lady Grey noted 95% of the responsibility is the dominant’s to make this happen. If she forgoes her duties and only reaps his hard efforts what will come of him eventually? Will he become depressed like my friend Scott? Will he become lax like Karl? Will he lose interest and no longer desire to live to please and submit? The choice is hers. The choice is always hers since she's the one in charge.

I'm Hers

26 comments:

  1. As always, your insight to the truth (in my opinion) is clear. Thank you for articulating the essential ingredients of a successful ingredients of a truly loving, mutually beneficial FLM. I don't feel that I need to be constantly reminded that i am owned by Mistress K. yet, on the other hand, being constantly reminded is so way better. Whether we sub husband want to admit it or not, we crave that kind of attention. I guess it comes down to what constitutes that attention. AS you've so aptly described, those moments Mistress K. merely having me pour her a glass of wine, or check to see if the doors are locked, or ..whatever, are times that I consider to be reminders of what each of our respective roles in each others lives are all about.

    Man, you're one smart fella! Thanks for another great post.

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    1. Sub Hub, you are one of the fortunate ones whose wife reminds you all the time.... "48 hours" being but one of many things you have noted. And now you are collared! You indeed have a wonderful wife who loves and dominates you. Pat yourself on the back for finding a great woman!

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  2. Men are the most amazing creatures in the universe. You can make a man's day by simply calling him slave, or better yet 'slave boy'. Over time he begins to think of him self as you slave, and in a way that is what he becomes. A slave boy yes, but it is also a gentle type of loving, caring slavery that only a true submissive can experience. In the studio men got down on their knees begging the mistresses to make them their slaves. We would just laugh at them which would drive them crazy.

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    1. We crave acceptance and love from the woman we love. I know when Katie says something that strikes me just right I'll think about that for the longest time. Call me easy to be manipulated but I love that she has that kind of influence on me.

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  3. Your completely right, I know what my jobs are, but to be controlled and commanded makes everything easier and better.

    Being called boy lightens my heart, being told your a good boy makes me glow inside. Communications from my Mistress is the most important part. Having said that like many I would always crave more control and commands than I have now.

    I wonder if it's harder being a Domme or a sub? What do you think?
    m

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    1. I think it is hard in a different way. Just as we have lost power, they must use the power they have wisely. Like you, to be called her sub, or to be reminded that she owns me, makes me beam with pride

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  4. Give me a job with a clear objective - Change a light bulb, fix a leaky tap, get the car serviced. It is great. I can focus on that. Doing the job is satisfying. Knowing I have helped her out is also great.

    Ask me to worry about the interaction of competing issues. Have me juggle the social commitments. Its tiring.

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    1. I use to often tell my boss, "just give me a job to do and let me do it". It's how I love to function... I'm a doer kind of a guy, not that I can't lead, but I love being Katie's doer when at home.

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  5. Did you write this post with me in mind?

    I have a really tough time remembering to remind knight that I own him. I give him daily task lists, and always expect him to do as I request, and hand down consequences when he doesn't comply. I make all the decisions, handle the money, and manage every aspect of our lives. To me.. those daily acts should be enough to remind him that I'm in charge. It seems, however, that it's not enough for him, because he feels ignored. Of course when he doesn't fulfil my requests it completely blows my confidence his wish to comply with FLR. For us, it's a pattern that I'm trying hard to break.

    Thanks for the post. it has me thinking.

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    1. Angelique,
      I don't fault you for making the assumption that because you do everything that your knight should, by default, understand that you have complete authority over him. However, just as men are visually stimulated I think that they are also verbally stimulated as well. I think there is a lot to be said for the use of words and the power those words carry when a dominant woman speaks to her submissive in a way that reminds them both exactly who they are. I'm glad you're going to think on this. And, no, I didn't write this with you in mind. :-)

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  6. You make very good points. A Domme has the responsibility to give her slave the attention he needs to make him feel her power and control. I hope all the Dommes out there read your comments and understand what their slaves need. I think locking them in a cock cage also helps them teel controlled.

    FD

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    1. Florida Dom,
      Glad you share a similar opinion. The opinion I expressed is really just an expansion of what Lady Gray shared in one of her recent posts. I do think her words ring true; that the dominant partner does share the responsibility of leading and doing so in a way that conveys both her leadership as well as his position as her submissive. So glad you stopped by to contribute to the discussion.

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  7. Geez, IH, I'm glad you could use my unhappiness as a topic for your blog. ;-) You are getting some very good input in this discussion, so I am glad to serve as a humble illustration for your point. Since that event, my Donna has been gifting me with many little signs of her power over me, making the journey sweeter for both of us. It requires some thought and a little extra effort and consistency on her part, but Donna's clear display of ownership over me energizes me to put that extra effort into being her little bitch!

    I don't know whether it's harder to be the Domme or the submissive, but I do know that if both parties are investing in the relationship, that’s when magic happens. The Dominant bears the responsibility of leadership and sets the agenda, but the sub doesn’t have to be a passive influence on the atmosphere of the relationship.

    My Mistress leads, and while my sense of fulfillment certainly rests on her contributions to the power imbalance, my wife doesn't deserve to be around a passive lump. I'm sure that many of the guys here know that we can bring energy, humor, spontaneity, romance, joy and encouragement to the one we love along with the loyal service.

    It is also my job to express my gratitude to Donna for her leadership and wisdom and for loving me in the manner which I need. I certainly am honored to serve such a wonderful woman, and I find this blog and the commenters here to be very helpful in making sure I do it right!


    Scott

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  8. Scott,
    I hope you know I would never use something that you said and use it in a way that would shed anything less then a positive light on you and your mistress. However, your comment along with those of one or two others did make me think about the 95% statement that Lady Grey made.
    I am glad that your issues have been resolved because you were able to talk things out. I am also glad to hear you enjoy the contributions of others that stop by share thoughts on things that are written here. I echo those same thoughts and really value what others have to say. Without them, I probably wouldn't be writing. Have a great weekend!

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    1. Oh, I know that, IH. That was my feeble attempt at humor.

      I really like Lady Grey's assertion that "an ignored sub will eventually wonder why he's bothering to do all those chores if he's not getting any feedback as to his "subnes". She is right on target with that one: I'm happy with any manner or means that Donna employs to lead, inspire, order, love, encourage, torment or tease me.

      It's fun to see what happens next when Donna is free to lead, love and explore on her terms. I'm not that fond of getting tickled, but that's what makes it even more fun for Donna!

      Best regards,

      Scott

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  9. I was curious to see what sort of comments this blog entry of yours would receive. I'm not at all surprised to see that many responders agree that the Dom has the bulk of responsibility for keeping the D/s situation vibrant. It's a deadly mistake for a Dom to simply ignore the efforts of her sub, merely expecting that he's satisfied by doing rote chores with no input from her. As a natural Dom, I don't consider bearing the responsibilities of being in charge as any sort of burden, but those ladies who have been put in the "role" of a Dom because of their sub's obvious needs don't find it easy to maintain the "authority" in a way that continually supports a sub's need to be regularly reminded that he IS a sub. A difficult situation, indeed, as an ignored sub will eventually wonder why he's bothering to do all those chores if he's not getting any feedback as to his "subness".

    Ladies be warned. If you're truly going to do the Dom thing, you've got to take on the responsibilities involved. After all, YOU are the one in control. Nice posting, I'm Hers.

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    1. Lady Grey, I appreciate your words, not because they agree with what I posted but because they might encourage other dominant women to take their role seriously and not just assume things will run smoothly with them on 'autopilot'.

      Thanks!

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  10. Thank you for this post. It was something I needed to read :-)

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  11. If we exist for their use isn't it entirely up to them as to how they manage the relationship? Currently S will usually remind me that She owns me at least once a day and if I walk by Her naked apply a firm hand to my buttocks but there have been periods in our relationship where She simply used me as a work slave for weeks or months without any other manifestation of power other than giving orders. Isn't that Her right? In this relationship I have no rights, only obligations. S may grant me privileges which of course She can revoke at Her whim. Slaves can attempt to do things that bring out sensuality in Mistresses much as submissive women in traditional marriages dressed provacatively and/or attempted to flirt with their husbands. I try and display as much bare behind for Her as I can and I like to crawl into bed naked while She is watching television and start kissing Her legs. But if She says "I'm busy" "not now" or "don't you have something else to do" that is of course Her perogative. Sex ultimately is at Her whim, to Her specifications, for Her pleasure. (S's slave)

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    1. S's slave. I agree with you but consider: in societies where there is still slavery, I would imagine that those slaves that are regarded in a positive light for what they do would probably be more likely to serve more wholeheartedly than those slaves whose masters abuse them. Its just a hunch but I believe that positive supervision of a master/mistress over their property will result in a better product than simply abusing the property they own. Case in point: Joseph - the slave in the old testament.

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    2. Oh sure but there is a difference between wanting to be well treated and expecting that Mistress will provide erotic stimulation on your schedule. Suppose Katie only locked you up when you wanted to be locked up. Nothing wrong with that but the relationship dynamic would be vanilla with erotic play time rather than Female Led don't you think? (S's slave)

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    3. S's slave,
      I never said anything about erotic stimulation. If I implied that in my post then I did so mistakenly. When I read Lady Grey's comment I assumed that the 95% that she spoke about had to do with dominance in general without ever implying that it needed to be one that was erotic or sexual. For me, I think I would be quite content with dominance that was more verbal and conveyed an attitude of dominance and superiority.

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    4. In the paragraph where you quote Rika she is talking about sexual stimulation, grabbing crotches, etc. But let's stick to the purely verbal. Suppose the sub likes to be called "boy". Let's further suppose that the Mistress does not like that word. Should She be required to use it anyway because he likes it? I think there is a difference between a Female Led relationship and two people negotiating how they are going to play. Again, nothing wrong with the latter but it is a fantasy, not Female Led. I see the thrust, not so much of your piece outside of the Rika passages, but in other people's comments to it, that the Woman is obligated to periodically "turn on" the sub. It may not be a bad idea but that should be Her decision, not Her obligation. A male who ultimately finds that the relationship is not working for him can discuss his issues with the Mistress and if he remains unsatisfied, can ask to be dismissed. But I do not think She is obligated to do something different just because he asks for it.

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  12. I have considered having my sub keep a notebook (assuming I ever find a compatible sub lol) and in it he would write his desires or fantasies. I ofc wont promise to do them all but at least I would have an idea what to gift him with when Im in the mood to give lol. No point in gifting him with an hour of foot worship if he doesnt have a foot fetish lol :p I will also keep a notebook of ideas I pick up online or in books. And in that way I will remember to do those things from time to time instead of just treating the relationship like I have a full time butler lol.

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    1. I like your notebook idea. Even more, I like that you have a desire to take an active role in your ownership of a sub - when you do find one.

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