Sunday, November 16, 2014

Leadership Styles

I just finished vacuuming the house, something I was supposed to do on Sunday but didn't. At the time of writing this post it is Tuesday. Katie has said nothing about me missing my earlier cleaning deadline. Today however she made the comment to her grandchild saying, "eew, the floor is dirty!" Saying it loud enough for me to hear I got the hint, fetched the vacuum and proceeded to clean the entire house.

That statement got me thinking about Katie's particular leadership style. She is not an 'in your face' personality type. She is more the polar opposite in many ways. Yes, she is stubborn and yes, she has uncompromising values but she rarely loses her cool - well almost never. Because of this, she rarely will tell me directly that something absolutely needs immediate attention. It's not that she hasn't ever made such statements but those occasions are more uncommon than common. She is more comfortable telling me such things as "the gardens need watering" or "I left my purse in the car." These open-ended statements could be taken as rhetorical comments but I know better. What she is really saying is, "I need you to water the gardens and I need you to go get my purse." I wish she would be more direct and in fact she has slowly been moving in that direction.  

It's not like Katie hasn't moved along the continuum toward being more direct. I remember those early days of our WLM when Katie usually made comments like "do you think you can water the garden?" or "Can you get my purse?" I would always say with a hint of humor in my voice, "Was that a question?" It was my way of reminding her to rephrase her question into a statement - which she would then do. Now she uses statements. They just aren’t one containing the phrase "I want … now "

Often, Katie uses a passive rather than a direct approach. I don’t know if this is her preferred style but is one commonly used. I remember one of the first instances I experienced this leadership style. It remains almost as vivid now as it did some years ago when it took place. As a bit of a preface, we have both a cat and a dog. Katie feeds the cat wet food as a supplement to the dry food she also receives. Each night before bed, Katie she gives the dog the paper plate on which the cat earlier ate her wet food. There is usually almost nothing left but for whatever reason the dog can't wait for us to head to the bedroom knowing she will get what little is left of the semi-dried food the cat didn’t eat.

When we rise each morning Katie leaves the bedroom first since I shower after and straighten the bedroom and bathroom. Prior to my submission, Katie would pick up the paper plate on her way downstairs. However, ever since I became her submissive she has yet to pick up even one. What I remember that first morning after I formally submitted is walking out of the bedroom and seeing a 5 inch paper plate shredded on the hallway floor. The dog had licked and chewed it until it disintegrated into small pieces. When I saw the pieces, I realized Katie had stepped intentionally over them, leaving them for me. That has been her modus operandi ever since.

That’s her style of passive leadership and she often ignores unfinished chores by leaving them unfinished as a way of reminding me that she’s not ever going to do them. It’s now up to me to find a way to get what I’ve been assigned done. She will let dishes remain in the sink, leave the dishwasher full of clean items rather than emptying it, let wash sit in the washer rather than throwing them in the dryer or leave dried clothes in the dryer or heaped on top instead of folding them; leave grocery/shopping bags on the floor for me to put away. In part, she tolerates my ADHD episodes when I don’t finish a task but by in large I believe she knows that it’s important for her to stand her ground and make me do the house chores she wishes not to do. I admire her for standing firm and I’ve come to respect and love her for demonstrating that kind of uncompromising leadership.

If Katie does lack confidence as my dominant wife it would be in the area of providing consequences to me for actions of disobedience or ignorance. I can be a stubborn man and I am still stubborn in certain areas of life. Katie will sometimes gently scold me but she has yet to force me to do something against my will as a way to correct parent behavior or to provide me with a means of better remembering things in the future. I don't completely understand why but I highly suspect she does not want to treat me like a child. She has also told me that if she punishes me with corner time it takes me away from being with her. Maybe in time she will think differently but for now, her decision has been made, and as I stated earlier, she can be a stubborn woman.

I’m Hers


  1. Has Katie ever used corporal punishment as a corrective measure? Spanking, paddling, etc? Is that something you would welcome, or is it not a part of your relationship by mutual consent? Judging from what you're saying about her "not in your face" style, I'd imagine that any sort of corporal punishment or "the giving of pain" is not in her repertoire. Am I mistaken? It's hard for me to imagine that corner time is the worst that can happen to you (physically) if you disappoint her, but I'm not Katie, am I? Perhaps you could fill in the blanks in re punishment in your household.

  2. Lady Grey,
    Thanks for taking the time to comment. The short answer to your question is "no, Katie does not use corporal punishment". I've been hashing this topic over for many weeks and probably should write a post on it. However, there was one time that she did go there and used a whip on me. We were not married and the circumstances surrounding the incident involved me saying things via email to another woman that I should not have said. I learned my lesson and she has yet to "go there" again with the physical stuff.
    I will fill you more in later as I will write something on this and address it more thoroughly.

  3. As always IH, your posts are well written, lucid and thought provoking. this dynamic in my relationship with Mistress K. is very similar (we seem to have a lot of things are similar in our FLM's), except that the discipline i get is almost exclusively punishment spankings, which have been increasingly more "stinging" as a result of my telling her that i thought they should be more "memorable".

    Mistress K.'s style of passive leadership manifests itself sometimes in her willingness to forego, or delay the execution of my punishments in favor of what she might perceive to be a better, more appropriate time in the future. That may be an hour later, later that day or even later in the week. As you can imagine, sometimes the actual execution of those punishment spankings doesn't happen. Just falls off the end of the table so to speak.

    I try real hard to be dutiful and for the most part am successful. You've heard tell of forgetting to do the dishes before i go to work, or have her glass of wine poured and ready when she walks in the door, etc. I very, very rarely disappoint Mistress K. significantly enough for her to give me the yet-to-be-discovered "severe punishment" she has threatened if I were to do something major like cum without permission, masturbate without permission, or some other serious infraction.

    While I shudder to know what that "severe punishment" may turn out to be, I also am very curious about what it might be. Would it be something I have never experienced? Would she make me eat my cum, which is something i have never done? Would she spank me real, real hard and them make me stand in the corner with my arms behind my back and not able to move a muscle? Or, would it be the awful, awful, awful punishment spanking that comes immediately following a full, forced orgasm? Oh my god, getting a true, hard punishment spanking after being forced to strip naked before your paddle-wielding Mistress, then masturbate to a full orgasm, knowing that the harshest of punishments will follow is the very worst! believe me when I tell you.

    In any event, good to "see" you my friend. I've been away from blogging and commenting because my computer took a shit, but that will be fixed today.

    "See" you again soon

  4. I might be mistaken but it sounds as if you might want to experience that harsh punishment that she has only threatened you with. Am I correct?

  5. Hi IH,

    I love reading about how Katie exercises power over you. To me, the way Katie merely makes an observation about what needs to get done, or what didn't get done, and then leaves it up to you to make it happen is far from passive. She wields a lot of authority with those little statements. Katie fully expects you to resolve the matter, and I think there is an intermingling of love, respect, high expectations and obedience at play.

    A softly spoken observation is only a couple of breaths away from simply THINKING something into action, so making something happen by merely stating an observation is the pinnacle of wielding power, in my opinion. When a beautiful Domme states, "My glasses are smudged.", and just seconds later a devoted man cleans them for her, that is a wonderfully powerful moment.

    Leaving dirty dishes or towels behind, and without saying a word, knowing her man will eagerly take care of them swiftly and with love, is a deliberate exercise of raw power. When she knows her man craves being treated that way, it's an act of love. Mahatma Ghandi said this:

    “Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.”

    Guys like me, you, Sub Hub in PHX and others here are very lucky men, indeed, to serve exquisite women who love us enough to yield that power and leadership, whether applied with a whip or a whisper.

    Thanks for describing the wonderful ways in which Katie loves you, IH. Love to see that harmony in your home, and you best keep those floors clean.


    1. Scott, I can tell you enjoy writing these comments! :) You know, I've never really thought that leaving things for me to do was an expression of her power as much as it was a statement telling me what I need to do. Verbal comments are what flips my switch and those don't come often - every once in a while but not often. And they probably never will since its not Katie to speak to me in that direct way she'd address a five year old who needs to be instructed/taught.

      But I'm not complaining. I'm sure there is another side to her acting that way that I may not enjoy as much so I'll take life as it is now and be content. Hope you are vacuuming your floors as well!

  6. I enjoyed reading the post. Like your Katie most wives resist the idea of treating their husband like a child. The problem is that there are times when men act like children. So yes, like it or not there are times when you need to treat a husband like a child. Corner time works because it is deeply humiliating for a man to be treated in this fashion. It is even more humiliating for a man to know that his adult daughter is aware that he has been punished in this fashion. In these circumstances even the implied threat of corner time can keep a man in line. And don't get me wrong, but what ever happens or doesn't happen in a femdom marriage it is always important for the husband to know she is in control. My husband is a loving, caring, and intelligent man who is not easy to fool. If I were to relinquish true control in even the smallest way, he would pick up on it immediately. The happiness of our marriage is dependent on me never doing this.