Thursday, December 25, 2014
Still Learning the Ropes
It was December 23rd. Katie was stressed. We had mostly gotten everything ready for Christmas but there were still these odds and ends that needed to be done – mostly lots of straightening and cleaning of the house. Family would be here on Christmas but we still had to do this and this and this and we were going out in the evening because friends had invited us over a few weeks ago. Katie had zero energy and was struggling with a cold and feeling frustrated she couldn’t get over it. She was walking in circles and going nowhere.
She had just taken a nap and prior to her going up I told her I’d scrub the tile floors, something she said needed doing. Earlier in the day I sat watching her clean another room and wondered why she wasn’t telling me to clean it for her. She wasn’t and so I let her do her thing. But inside it hurt that she hadn’t told me to do get over and help. Part of me wanted to but another part told me to let her remember she had a sub to do these kinds of things. All she had to do was say the words, “get in here and do this.”
“Can I help you,” I asked after watching her pace the kitchen and working herself up into a frenzy of frustration.
Before she answered I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to the sofa as a thought popped into my mind. I said, “I want to read something to you first.”
I grabbed the laptop and pulled up the comment that Sandra had written on Kathy’s blog a week earlier and read it, paraphrasing and personalizing it to us. Here is generally how it came out when I read it ad lib:
“Katie, sometimes you fail to understand that I am a submissive and have a need to serve you. It's not a desire, a kink or a game, it's a need. When you feel guilty and don’t ask much of me, or refrain from pushing me too hard, fearing you might make me uncomfortable, you cheat me out of the service I crave to perform, and limit our femdom relationships to something less than what it could be. I want to give you so much and serve you in ways you can only dream of. In return I want you to be confident enough to demand my service, expect it and then accept it freely and without feeling guilty”
I looked her in the eye and said, “Now how can I help you? Do you understand what I am trying to say?”
She shook her head in the affirmative and then told me I needed to dust the room, vacuum under the sofa and chair cushions and straighten this and that. I asked for specifics and she told me exactly what I was to do. I became a happy camper! This is what I wanted to hear.
I’m now writing while she is out stocking stuffer shopping for me. I am writing this because that incident made me think of those ‘Christmas letters’ I hate getting – you know the ones from distant relatives highlighting their past year and touting how wonderful, successful and incredible everyone in their household has been for the past 365 days. Yes, I understand there were cool things they did but life isn’t always about vacations, thrills and victories. Yet I know that when I describe my relationship with Katie here on this blog I may give that same perception; that we are the perfect femdom couple. We aren’t. We struggle. We live in the vanilla world too much. I’ve never been punished, or admonished. I tend to be lazy and Katie is often ‘too nice’ to me and demands little.
We are happily married but we do struggle. We don’t get it right all the time. We have been going at this for almost four years now and we still are very much like we were prior to me asking to submit. I am not the perfect sub. I haven’t’ even vacuumed the cheerios and crap that’s under those cushions yet!
But we do encourage one another and I do remind Katie daily how much I love her and we both try to lead and follow respectively. I do refer to her as my mistress and she will call me her sub now and again. I do tell her I want to do whatever makes her happy. I do ask before doing . I do all that because I know that leading doesn’t come naturally for her. She struggles to lead. I struggle to obey but we are both trying. We are making progress and in doing so we keep our focus on one another.
I need to stop for now and finish my chores before she gets back and gets frustrated because I failed to do what she told me.