Thursday, December 25, 2014

Still Learning the Ropes

It was December 23rd. Katie was stressed. We had mostly gotten everything ready for Christmas but there were still these odds and ends that needed to be done – mostly lots of straightening and cleaning of the house. Family would be here on Christmas but we still had to do this and this and this and we were going out in the evening because friends had invited us over a few weeks ago. Katie had zero energy and was struggling with a cold and feeling frustrated she couldn’t get over it.  She was walking in circles and going nowhere. 

She had just taken a nap and prior to her going up I told her I’d scrub the tile floors, something she said needed doing. Earlier in the day I sat watching her clean another room and wondered why she wasn’t telling me to clean it for her. She wasn’t and so I let her do her thing. But inside it hurt that she hadn’t told me to do get over and help.  Part of me wanted to but another part told me to let her remember she had a sub to do these kinds of things. All she had to do was say the words, “get in here and do this.”

“Can I help you,” I asked after watching her pace the kitchen and working herself up into a frenzy of frustration.

Before she answered I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to the sofa as a thought popped into my mind. I said, “I want to read something to you first.”

I grabbed the laptop and pulled up the comment that Sandra had written on Kathy’s blog a week earlier and read it, paraphrasing and personalizing it to us.  Here is generally how it came out when I read it ad lib:

“Katie, sometimes you fail to understand that I am a submissive and have a need to serve you. It's not a desire, a kink or a game, it's a need. When you feel guilty and don’t ask much of me, or refrain from pushing me too hard, fearing you might make me uncomfortable, you cheat me out of the service I crave to perform, and limit our femdom relationships to something less than what it could be. I want to give you so much and serve you in ways you can only dream of. In return I want you to be confident enough to demand my service, expect it and then accept it freely and without feeling guilty”

I looked her in the eye and said, “Now how can I help you? Do you understand what I am trying to say?”

She shook her head in the affirmative and then told me I needed to dust the room, vacuum under the sofa and chair cushions and straighten this and that.  I asked for specifics and she told me exactly what I was to do.  I became a happy camper! This is what I wanted to hear.
I’m now writing while she is out stocking stuffer shopping for me.  I am writing this because that incident made me think of those ‘Christmas letters’ I hate getting – you know the ones from distant relatives highlighting their past year and touting how wonderful, successful and incredible everyone in their household has been for the past 365 days.  Yes, I understand there were cool things they did but life isn’t always about vacations, thrills and victories.  Yet I know that when I describe my relationship with Katie here on this blog I may give that same perception; that we are the perfect femdom couple. We aren’t. We struggle. We live in the vanilla world too much. I’ve never been punished, or admonished. I tend to be lazy and Katie is often ‘too nice’ to me and demands little. 

We are happily married but we do struggle. We don’t get it right all the time. We have been going at this for almost four years now and we still are very much like we were prior to me asking to submit.  I am not the perfect sub. I haven’t’ even vacuumed the cheerios and crap that’s under those cushions yet! 

But we do encourage one another and I do remind Katie daily how much I love her and we both try to lead and follow respectively.  I do refer to her as my mistress and she will call me her sub now and again. I do tell her I want to do whatever makes her happy. I do ask before doing . I do all that because I know that leading doesn’t come naturally for her.  She struggles to lead. I struggle to obey but we are both trying.  We are making progress and in doing so we keep our focus on one another.

I need to stop for now and finish my chores before she gets back and gets frustrated because I failed to do what she told me.

I’m Hers


  1. I think I understand how you feel somewhat. Just a few hours ago we had dinner and my wife was doing the dishes in the sink. I told her that that was my job but she said you do everything else laundry floors ect and that I don't mind helping you . I guess I understand how she feels and we went on to talk about the first night I asked her about having our WLR and how nervous I felt but she let me know right away that I had made the right choice in asking her. It was great talking about how far we have came and I'm sure I'll be doing alot more dishes in the future but it's our communication we have now that we never had prior that has made the difference. Our WLM is a journey we love and continue to learn about each other every day. RR

    1. RR, First of all..... Merry Christmas! I hope you were able to enjoy it with your wife and family - if they live nearby. Yes, you are dead on - in my opinion - that this whole D/s, WLM, FLR is really about 'relationship' and communication, all of which promotes intimacy. Like you, Katie spent a good hour in the kitchen this morning helping prepare breakfast as we had family coming over. I didn't tell her to leave but rather thought how much I was appreciating her help as she assisted me in doing some of the work. I love her and do so because we relate so well relationally.

    2. I did wish you Merry Christmas on your prior post"We must be boring" didn't want you to think I forgot and yes we did have an awesome Christmas with are family and hope you did as you blog RR

  2. When we have guests coming over, my wife does the same thing, she goes into straightening up mode. She could just order me to do it, but I believe women want to see that everything is perfect themselves. She will tell me to vacuum, clean toilets, etc. during the day, but she likes to have everything done to her specs when there is no time to redo it. She also says I did so much housework already, what she is doing is very little. I will not top from the bottom, so she does the last minute items.

    1. All Hers, Maybe both your wife and mine want to make sure that things are indeed done to her specs regardless of how much we do or how good our intentions are to do things her way.

  3. I hope you and Katie had a wonderful Christmas. Even though you don't have those punishments and admonishments, you two do have wonderful communication and intimacy. That event where you sat Katie down and read the letter to her will never be put into a movie or included in a Christmas letter, but certainly was a powerful moment. I love how Katie took the moment and started ticking off tasks for you to perform.

    It's a wonderful feeling to have the woman you love exercise her authority over you, and have you do things that bring her peace and contentment. Christmas eve was our stressful preparation day, and I was out doing last-minute errands like picking up groceries and a couple of presents when Donna started sending me texts to pick up wrapping paper, gift boxes, etc. That meant heading to a couple of very busy stores in a very short time period, so I called her to confirm the plans. I willingly agreed to get those done, but I was starting to feel the pressure of a frenzied outing. A few minutes later, Donna sent me a text that changed my whole outlook, stating "I love my little Christmas bitch ..." That text literally caused physical, emotional and chemical changes in me that I can't describe. When I had a chance to text her back, I told her "and I love my Christmas Goddess..." and I had a smile on my face the rest of the day. That was our intimate moment in handling the holiday stress.

    I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend, IH, and that you took care of the cheerios and other crud from under the sofa cushions.


    1. Scott, I always read your comments to Katie and when I did this time she laughed once more. She does enjoy what you have to say. She smiled when she heard Donna called you her Christmas bitch. I think the two of them would get along just fine although it's probably good we are not neighbors or you and I might be in for much tougher lives if they had the chance to collaborate and scheme together.

      Have a Happy New Year. We're going dancing! .... well Katie will be dancing.... I'll be 'moving' :)

  4. Sweetie, I very much enjoyed reading the post as well as the comments. Its melts my heart when men talk with one another about such things as feelings, caring, and love. It is a shame that most men need the impersonal structure of a blog in order to communicate with one another concerning these topics. I suspect if you and the various gentlemen who posted were put into a room together the topic of conversation would quickly turn to sports. When men actually look eye to eye with one other there are topics that men are less than comfortable talking about.

    You may not be the perfect sub, but neither is john or any man for that matter. In the same light I am far from the perfect mistress. Learning to be a mistress takes time. It also takes confidence. At some point in the relationship a wife must acquire the self confidence and willingness to punish her man. In my experience this bridge is perhaps the most difficult one for most women to cross.

    Love, Kathy

    1. Kathy, I think part of a man's reservation is becoming 'too' vulnerable when it's not the norm to do so. I wish I had a friend that I could be that way with but don't and probably won't ever have. Maybe if a group of women were together with their spouses it would actually be easier to share on that deeper more personal level with them. I don't know but as I get older I feel less self conscious about being open and honest about feelings.

      I just got done responding to Lady Grey below and as I told her, I wish Katie would cross the bridge you mentioned - and feel free to punish. I know your version of punishment is not corporal and I think that would be Katie's method as well. Whether she ever goes there is yet to be determined. She is making strides however. Baby steps in the right direction of taking more ownership and control of me.

      Thank you Kathy for sharing. I do appreciate you taking the time.
      Happy New Year to you and John

  5. Most women are taught at an early age about what is historically considered "woman's work". Either through parental guidance or some sort of home economics class in schools, these female "chores" become rather deeply ingrained, and it's very difficult for many females to imagine their husbands, boyfriends, etc. as either willing or able to do the chores themselves in a manner equal to or better than a woman.

    This mind set is, of course, nonsense, and offers a tremendous opportunity for the Dominant female to train her man to be totally proficient at these chores. The training itself can and should be very enjoyable for the female on many levels. First, it emphasizes her authority and reinforces the changing roles in a FLR. It gives her abundant chances to issue instructions and to make sure they're obeyed. I totally agree with Kathy's comment when she states "At some point in the relationship a wife must acquire the self confidence and willingness to punish her man. In my experience this bridge is perhaps the most difficult one for most women to cross. "

    It's vital that the man is made to feel that his performance in the "female chores" is being judged carefully by his Dom, and that any slippage on his part will be punished. The punishment doesn't have to be corporal in nature. Corner time, line or composition writing, denial of certain privileges - all these can be quite effective in achieving the desired result of a man doing what was heretofore considered female work. I know that you would be more than willing to have this sort of training implemented, and I hope that Katie can see how positive a step it would be to do so. I wish you both good luck as you advance in your D/s relationship.

    1. Lady Grey, Happy New Year! I always love hearing your and Kathy's perspective/thoughts. Of course I do agree with you and will read your comment to Katie when she has a chance to focus - we have a grandchild here now so it's quite impossible at the moment.

      I would like her to include punishment as a part of our lifestyle. It's not like I want to feel pain but more that I want to open this 'other' door - or rather have her open that door and know she has the freedom to really demonstrate dominance and has the freedom to make me into the person she wants me to be. I keep hoping and maybe someday she will. I can only wait and gently expose her to the thought and encourage her to do so.

      Should I just screw up big time and see were that leads? I don't want to but maybe I should. Who knows (and I just would never do that intentionally).

      Thanks so much for taking the time to share/instruct.

  6. Hi I'm Hers,

    One of the hardest things as a sub is to tell your Mistress something that your not sure how they will react to.
    Well done for telling a Her, it cannot have been easy.

    Still waiting for your views on feminism lol


    1. m, sitting her down was not hard. I wanted her to understand how important it was for her to be dominant and tell me what needed doing. After all, aren't I here to be 'that' person for her? Isn't that what a slave/sub wants? Isn't that his role? It is of course and I felt like she had let that vision of me go in the midst of her frenzy of feeling overwhelmed.

      I forgot what your feminism question was? Refresh my memory :)
      Happy New Year m!

  7. This particular post, like your blog in general, is very powerful and beautiful. You eloquently sum up many of the struggles from both sides, as well as the truly positive things that can come from this type of relationship. It is sometimes hard to understand that your husband truly wants to help and serve, as well as to have the known expectation that you (as the female) are in charge. It just takes time to get used to and to get over feeling like you are impinging or doing something that will be ill received. We are newer to this, but I find the clarity in setting expectations and his willingness to carry those out brings peace and simplicity. It is really transformative. Anyway, thank you for the beautiful and heartfelt manner in which you write about this.

    Your blog and a few others really helped me to better understand what different forms an FLR could take, what or why my husband might be needing out of this, and how to celebrate the love and intimacy it brings. I will be honest there were several other blogs or sites that terrified me--so being able to read this has been immeasurably helpful.

    1. Rhiannon,
      Thank you so much for your comments. I really do appreciate when others correspond and especially when they sign their name. It allows me to get to know you in someway.

      I'm not sure if you meant to say this but the writer of this blog is the husband, not the wife.

      My wife and I really do love one another and our relationship is based on that mutual love primarily. Because I love her I do enjoy serving her. I really think it is as simple as that. And yes, there are far too many blogs out there that are scary and based more on kink and play than there are ones in which the husband and wife live continually as submissive and dominant respectively. I hope you and yours can devise a F/m relationship in which he honors you through his submission in a way that you both can enjoy and your marriage thrive because of it.

      I also noticed that you have a new blog up and I will place a link on the sidebar of mine so others can reference you and read future posts you write. I wish you well with your submissive husband in your journey together.

      I'm Her's

    2. Thanks, IH. I do know it is you, the husband. I meant more that you speak beautifully about your wife and seem to understand the struggles that she could face as well. I really appreciate your perspective because it is important to me to better understand the facets of all of this.

      We are certainly working toward devising one of love and honor, and of mutual respect really.

      Thanks for the sidebar on the blog. It was kind of a whim to start it, but as I said, I have been moved by the words of others and thought it would be interesting.

      Again, thanks for your heartfelt posts.