Friday, January 30, 2015

Rejection Acceptance

In the previous post I commented on something written by a man whose marriage is devoid of sex. I also mentioned my identification with him. I pleaded to women who approach their marriage similarly to reconsider their position.  What I failed to identify in that post was the reason why a marriage without sex is akin to eating a burger and fries without the salt, fat, mustard, ketchup, pickles, onions and whatever else you put on a burger.  It will sustain you but it isn't very tasty and as the saying goes, "you can live on it but it tastes like crap," and what fun is there in eating crap.

At the heart of withholding physical intimacy from marriage is rejection. Men love sex. Women love sex. I dare say that women love to cuddle and snuggle more than they love sex. They love to be wooed and cherished.  For a man to remain married but never walk hand-in-hand, never spend an evening with his spouse conversing while giving her his undivided attention, if he never got her a card or left a note indicating his love for her, if he never hugged, kissed or expressed affection, if he did nothing to romance her, I am certain she would feel rejected. Likewise, to live and never enjoy one anothers' bodies physically is no less a rejection - especially when the hints and pitiful pleas by the hurt partner go unheeded.

I don't believe a couple needs to adhere to a femdom lifestyle or a domestic discipline one anymore than the type of relationship they formed when they fell in love to remain close and in love.  I do believe that the former relational dynamics promote conscious attention of one partner toward the other and for that reason I believe it promotes active acceptance rather than assumed acceptance or purposeful rejection. 

For example, I do the laundry and every Saturday morning I know that I'm doing so because Katie will appreciate my work. That evening when I fold, hang or place her garments back where they belong I think of her. Every day I bring her a cooked meal and she thanks me and gives me that smile that says "I love you for taking care of me".  I could go on and on as to how our WLM promotes intimacy - even when the subject matter is chores (or from her perspective making sure that I do those chores). The intentional affection, words of affirmation, hugs, kisses, conversation, and time spent together is additional 'stuff' that deepens our closeness even further. 

In a way a WLM/femdom relationship is about having fun together. In the acceptance of power as well as in the relinquishing of it there is a 'play' dynamic at work. It's not play that produces laughter but it is play that produces happy feelings and happy thoughts. It is a play that allows one partner to have positive and loving feelings toward their spouse (whether they are the dominant or the submissive). The play can be serious. The play can even be uncomfortable, in the case of discipline or being told to compress even more work into an already tight schedule.

If something isn't fun. If something isn't enjoyable. If there is no reward for doing something for another then eventually that act will most likely wane.  Maybe for some sex is no longer fun, no longer pleasurable, no longer important to give to another and maybe that is why it becomes less of a priority and eventually ceases to even be a part like it once was.

I love feeling loved. I love being accepted. I love being cherished. I love knowing she loves not only who I am and what I do but also loves me enough to express that love physically. I love that she lets me cuddle and snuggle and touch . I love that she permits me to be physically intimate on a regular basis. Why do I love all of this? Isn't it obvious? Don't we all love to get warm fuzzies? Don't we all enjoy attention from those we value? Don't we all crave love and acceptance?  

There really is no one who is a Rock and an Island as the old Simon and Garfunkle song stated.  Well there are probably thousands of lonely men and women that are islands and I dare say too many of those are married. Even more are single. Very few in that situation are rocks - solid, stable, secure, content individuals living when loneliness, hurt, emptiness and void are a part of their daily life because another will not express love in a way that meets their love language and fills that emotional tank.

A common theme of femdom blogs is married couples that are well into middle age rediscovering love for their spouse. At the heart of that rediscovery is accepting, appreciating and loving them overtly and often.  May we all strive to live that way and in so doing, make our very best friend - our life partner's life - overflow with joy because they feel such abundant love from us.

I'm Hers

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Married but denied Sex

I happened upon another blog and scanned the side bar of blogs they referenced as favorites. I came across Hers Forever blog and read his last post written about a year ago. Gosh it brought back sad memories of a marriage gone bad and one part of its dissolution had to do with what he had to say. I’ll let you read an edited version and then I will comment:

“Here is my profound statement that you are welcome to remember and quote as long as you attribute it to me, “Love unfulfilled by sex is love lost.”. Love and sex have been there all along. Love still lingers. My love for her has not diminished. I know she loves me, and my heart melts when I think of her. What has changed is the sexual content. I have said more than once that any reasonable relationship between a man and a woman relies on sex. Take away the sexual component and the relationship changes to where it no longer resembles the former.
………. yet I remained willing to serve her with the diminutive return because when she rewarded me, it was heavenly. I am talking about sex. Love is and was there all along, but love unrewarded in sexual ways has a way to be channeled into something else. Love without sex is like your favorite hamburger with French fries but without the fat, the salt, and the flavor. Paraphrased from Crocodile Dundee, “You can live on it, but it tastes like shit.”
All along we relied on her sexual needs, for mine were overwhelming, and I managed to keep it in control to attune it to hers. The FLR style of late in our relationship was perfect, for sex was up to her needs, and I had nothing to say about it. She was happy with it, and her happiness was my continuous joy.

It is now four years later, and nothing is happening. ……”
I could have written that post at one point in my life but rather than ending it with a reference to four years I would have inserted the word “eight” and then there were all of those years before the end in which the times together were far and few between. The memory of that part of my life almost makes me cry still. It is indeed ‘lost’ time that can never be recovered and one in which the frequency and closeness slowly died a painful death. I never understood ‘why’. Why could one not give of herself for even ten minutes every so often? Was that so difficult? Was sex so awful that even that bit of time, that bit of vulnerability, couldn’t be stomached? I guess I don’t understand the mind of women who view sex in this way. That attitude of rejection cut to the core of me and how I was viewed.

I am sure most men have ‘Energizer Bunny’ sex drives and women generally have ones that are quite a bit toned down from the average male. It’s just how we as males and females are wired. Even with the differences in male vs. female sex desires/needs I ask women reading this excerpt of this one man’s feelings stated so elequently: can you feel the pain contained in his words? Can you identify with his wife? If so, is your view of sex such that you can’t, under any circumstances, grant your husband, the man you love so much, just a little time for him to enjoy your body and you his? Do you disagree with the statement that “Love unfulfilled by sex is love lost.”? Do you disagree with the Crocodile Dundee analogy – that living with woman who denies her man sex stinks – at least at some level?  

If you are ‘this’ woman, I hope you can see the profound benefits of opening your heart (and body) to him and share with him as you once did when younger. God made us as sexual creatures and when done right, sex can be one of the most powerful, if not the most powerful way of bonding a woman to a man and vice versa. I am sure that in addition to a low sex drive there can be many confounding reasons why a man and a woman do not become physically close and my purpose is not to go there because I don’t understand all of those reasons. My reason for mentioning this specific comment from this specific blog is because I was him at one point in my life and I could feel the sadness (and understood the tact) with which he wrote. Yet the sadness was profound. In a femdom relationship I would hope that couples could agree that love can be expressed – and needs to be expressed in many forms. Service, pleasantries, leadership, companionship, communication, affection, devotion….. and sex.

I hope that your relationship is a healthy one. I hope that you can enjoy your love in every way – including sexually – but by no means just sexually. Sorry to get so serious but this one struck home. Have a wonderful week.


I’m Hers 

Monday, January 19, 2015

The Weekend

Most of what I had hoped for came true on Friday evening. At 8:30 Katie told me it was time to go up and so we did. I knew what she wanted - a massage, and I gave her a long one for well over an hour.  I think she could lay on that table all night if she didn't think I was getting tired or bored with my end of the deal.  We snuggled, snuggled some more and then "really" snuggled before cuddling, talking and eventually falling asleep.

The weekend was a mix of enjoying the warmer weather, taking a walk around a nearby lake with binoculars to see the migrating ducks, running a few errands, eating lunch at a favorite restaurant, getting some work done around the house and watching a little football on Sunday.

Speaking of football.... I love football.  It was the fourth quarter. We had missed all of the first half as we were working on a project upstairs. I asked if I could flip on the TV and was permitted to do so.  I enjoyed a great game, pulling for the Packers. Things got interesting toward the end and with about 6 minutes to go in the game with the Seahawks finally getting some life and my beautiful wife sitting next to me watching but not understanding the game she said,

"OK, I'm hungry. Cook my steak."

"I said to myself, "Are you kidding me? There's only 6 minutes left. Do you really know what you are asking of me?"

But I got up, stalled as best as I could, lit the grill and came back in and watched some more while it heated, and finally tore myself away to go grill a few small steaks that I had taken out of the freezer earlier.

That night I relayed the timeliness of her statement and Katie told me she really was unaware of what was going on. That was of course true. I was watching the Packers play the Seahawks. She was watching the white team do something that the blue team didn't want them to do and had no id ea where the ball was while the white team was trying to do what they were doing.

"Whose the the quarterback?" she'd ask.

"That's Aaron Rodgers,"

"Oh, I don't know him."

"You pump me up!" I'd say in some Russian voice referring to a commercial currently playing on US TV.

"Oh, now I know."

That is football to Katie. She's getting there but it might take a few more years to grasp the sport enough to appreciate it.

On another note, I'm working on an attic project. One of the things I'm doing is adding some insulation to what is there already.  Now I have a friend. A good friend although we've never met. He knows a thing or two about building since he is a builder. I wasn't sure if I could put the batting over or under existing heat and vent 'pipes' and so I took a picture of what was there and sent it to him.

Wa-la! A half hour and several text messages later I had my answer and got even more info than I had asked.  How nice it is to have friends that can help and even better that they are submissive ones.

Today I am thankful for Martin Luther King, He was an inspirational leader but more personally he implored my employer to give me the day off of work. Thank you MLK!

I'm Hers

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Decisions Decisions

I looked at my schedule for Friday and realized I could get off earlier than usual. The trade-off to that would be that I would have to be at work earlier if I wanted my weekend to start sooner rather than later. I asked Katie what I should do and she put it back on me, telling me to decide.

I had thoughts but wasn't sure that I should share them but decided to. I told her that if I knew she'd want to make love in the morning I would rather work later but if she didn't I would go in earlier so I could have a Friday evening with her. She smiled. I smiled. Then she dropped the bomb.

"I can't think that far ahead," was her answer.

Then she made me feel guilty and added, "I thought you'd want to sleep in and snuggle with me."

Geez! She gave me a choice and I expressed my feelings and now I feel selfish. Well, maybe I am and maybe she was justified in stating the obvious – that I was selfish and that she never thinks about having sex that far ahead. And besides, my decision to work early versus late had everything to do with making me feel good rather than looking out for her.

Sometimes I just can't win. And then again, sometimes I shouldn’t win.  And so I tried to repair the damage, sending her a text after I left for work today:

“I could get home from work earlier and then we could cuddle, snuggle, play kissy-face and kissy-your-pussy, rub our naked bodies all over one another, put my protrusion inside your intrusion and have a wild and crazy time and then …. You could relax on a heated massage table with candles and soft music while your submissive husband tends to you obediently and properly by giving you a long massage.”

And then I added, “Or, we could watch the 9 o’clock, 10 o’clock and 11 o’clock news and weather.” (you know, a girl always needs options – a way to gently say ‘no’. I thought I’d give her the option so as to not press her too tightly into a corner :).

Katie responded, “Decisions, decisions, LOL”

“I’m leaning towards the 9, 10 and 11 o’clock news option myself,” I replied.

“I’m sure.”

Which way are you leaning?

“A.”

Yessss!! So things may work out for the best after all.

Have a wonderful weekend. Mine looks like it might start off just fine.


I’m Hers

Monday, January 12, 2015

The Word "Mistress"

I know that Kathy posted a brief comment on this but will do the same regardless. I was sent an email and the gist of it mentioned a woman’s awkwardness in being called a Mistress because of it being tied to an adulterous woman. I personally don’t use the word with that meaning in mind and forwarded Katie the email, asking for her thoughts. She commented later that she views it as meaning ‘the woman in charge’. That is my view as well. 

Depending on the dictionary you use you will find the below definitions listed in various orders. Note that there is the ‘sexual definition’ of mistress but note the many varied references of a woman in a position of power.
I refer to Katie with a variety of terms of endearment that range from Katie to Katie-girl, to Sweetheart, to Sugar-Pie, to Ma’am, to Boss, to Mistress, and so on and so on. I use the latter three terms when I am either responding to her after being told to do something like, “go take out the trash.” “Yes Ma’am” or “yes Mistress,” will be my typical response. If I walk in the door after work and greet her with a big hug I might say, “It’s great to see you Sweetheart” or something similar. If she’s told me yet another thing to do, I might respond with “yes Boss,” to indicate that I’m the sub and she’s the Mistress. 
Bottom line, I think you need to address your wife respectfully and do so with a name that both suits her and feels comfortable to you and her. Personally I don’t use the term ‘goddess’ as it feels awkward for me to equate her as synonymous with a god. Maybe it’s my faith but there is something not right about exalting a woman – even a Mistress Wife – to that level. Yet others do and I get their intention. It’s all about respect and endearment.
To the woman that wrote me I would say this: If the thought of being in charge appeals to you and you want to make sure that your submissive verbally addresses you in some form that acknowledges that but the word Mistress feels a bit awkward then do one of two things. Either have him refer to you as Mistress until it becomes comfortable or find another word that works. Usually if you do something long enough that which was unusual/uncomfortable/new at first will eventually become the norm.
Katie has one rule at this point – that I am not to refer to her as Mistress around others. I do use the word Ma’am quite frequently in social circles though as a form of respect and recognition that she is the one in charge.
I’m Hers
mis•tress
n.

1. A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a man who is married to someone else.

2. A woman in a position of authority, control, or ownership, as the head of a household: "Thirteen years had seen her mistress of Kellynch Hall" (Jane Austen).
3. 
     a. A woman who owns or keeps an animal: a cat sitting in its mistress's lap.
     b. A woman who owns a slave.

4. A woman with ultimate control over something: the mistress of her own mind.
5. 
     a. A nation or country that has supremacy over others: Great Britain, once the mistress of the seas.
     b. Something personified as female that directs or reigns: "my mistress ... the open road" (Robert Louis Stevenson).

6. A woman who has mastered a skill or branch of learning: a mistress of the culinary art.

7. Mistress. Used formerly as a courtesy title when speaking to or of a woman.

8. Chiefly British A woman schoolteacher.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

It's still early in the game

I don’t know about other bloggers but when I get an idea I write it down or send myself a detailed text or email – something to remind me of the thought or event that came to pass.  I have several such notes in a folder and since I have been pretty brain-dead recently with respect to femdom thoughts I delved into the folder.

It was night. Katie and I were in bed. The lights were out. It was late – probably a Friday or Saturday night. I had myself wrapped around her from behind like I often do - one arm lay under her neck, the other around her body. I had just given her a massage for the past hour. She was relaxed and feeling loved and attended to.

One of the fears she expressed when we first considered this alternative lifestyle with her assuming control was a fear of changing for the worse. She didn’t want to become that kind of a woman, that kind of a wife. She didn’t want me to think of her as a bitch. That was about three years ago.  As I lay behind her I thought of that past conversation and of her now and said,

“See, you haven’t become a bitch after all; since becoming my Mistress,” I added. If fact you’ve become even more beautiful as a person.”

To my surprise she answered, “It’s early on in this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean we’ve only been doing this for a while and we have a long way to go.”


“Are you telling me you might become a bitch?”

“I might.”

Her comments surprised me. I hadn’t expected such candidness from a woman seemingly so passive in the way she leads. I would have never thought that she thought such things as 'we are just beginning', 'we have a long way to go' and 'I might become a bitch'.  I still don’t know what she means by the statement that it is still early in the game but my guess is she sees me becoming more submissive than I am now.  And I don’t even know what more submissive means to her. More trained? Doing more things? More chores? Becoming more deferential?  I really don’t know and she isn’t one to wear her thoughts on her sleeve. She can be difficult to read.

When I reflect on those words it makes me drool with anticipation. They give me hope that there will be more, that she will become more affirmative, more confident, more overt as my Mistress and in the way she leads our home. She will always be my Katie-girl and best friend, but like I said in my last post: to feel owned is a feeling of being loved that is greater than just ‘being loved’.  It’s a layer of love on top of the love she already has for me. Conversely, to know she is firmly planted as my forever-Mistress gives me reason to love her even more than before. I am a lucky man. Hopefully she feels she is equally lucky to have me too.

I’m Hers