Saturday, January 24, 2015

Married but denied Sex

I happened upon another blog and scanned the side bar of blogs they referenced as favorites. I came across Hers Forever blog and read his last post written about a year ago. Gosh it brought back sad memories of a marriage gone bad and one part of its dissolution had to do with what he had to say. I’ll let you read an edited version and then I will comment:

“Here is my profound statement that you are welcome to remember and quote as long as you attribute it to me, “Love unfulfilled by sex is love lost.”. Love and sex have been there all along. Love still lingers. My love for her has not diminished. I know she loves me, and my heart melts when I think of her. What has changed is the sexual content. I have said more than once that any reasonable relationship between a man and a woman relies on sex. Take away the sexual component and the relationship changes to where it no longer resembles the former.
………. yet I remained willing to serve her with the diminutive return because when she rewarded me, it was heavenly. I am talking about sex. Love is and was there all along, but love unrewarded in sexual ways has a way to be channeled into something else. Love without sex is like your favorite hamburger with French fries but without the fat, the salt, and the flavor. Paraphrased from Crocodile Dundee, “You can live on it, but it tastes like shit.”
All along we relied on her sexual needs, for mine were overwhelming, and I managed to keep it in control to attune it to hers. The FLR style of late in our relationship was perfect, for sex was up to her needs, and I had nothing to say about it. She was happy with it, and her happiness was my continuous joy.

It is now four years later, and nothing is happening. ……”
I could have written that post at one point in my life but rather than ending it with a reference to four years I would have inserted the word “eight” and then there were all of those years before the end in which the times together were far and few between. The memory of that part of my life almost makes me cry still. It is indeed ‘lost’ time that can never be recovered and one in which the frequency and closeness slowly died a painful death. I never understood ‘why’. Why could one not give of herself for even ten minutes every so often? Was that so difficult? Was sex so awful that even that bit of time, that bit of vulnerability, couldn’t be stomached? I guess I don’t understand the mind of women who view sex in this way. That attitude of rejection cut to the core of me and how I was viewed.

I am sure most men have ‘Energizer Bunny’ sex drives and women generally have ones that are quite a bit toned down from the average male. It’s just how we as males and females are wired. Even with the differences in male vs. female sex desires/needs I ask women reading this excerpt of this one man’s feelings stated so elequently: can you feel the pain contained in his words? Can you identify with his wife? If so, is your view of sex such that you can’t, under any circumstances, grant your husband, the man you love so much, just a little time for him to enjoy your body and you his? Do you disagree with the statement that “Love unfulfilled by sex is love lost.”? Do you disagree with the Crocodile Dundee analogy – that living with woman who denies her man sex stinks – at least at some level?  

If you are ‘this’ woman, I hope you can see the profound benefits of opening your heart (and body) to him and share with him as you once did when younger. God made us as sexual creatures and when done right, sex can be one of the most powerful, if not the most powerful way of bonding a woman to a man and vice versa. I am sure that in addition to a low sex drive there can be many confounding reasons why a man and a woman do not become physically close and my purpose is not to go there because I don’t understand all of those reasons. My reason for mentioning this specific comment from this specific blog is because I was him at one point in my life and I could feel the sadness (and understood the tact) with which he wrote. Yet the sadness was profound. In a femdom relationship I would hope that couples could agree that love can be expressed – and needs to be expressed in many forms. Service, pleasantries, leadership, companionship, communication, affection, devotion….. and sex.

I hope that your relationship is a healthy one. I hope that you can enjoy your love in every way – including sexually – but by no means just sexually. Sorry to get so serious but this one struck home. Have a wonderful week.


I’m Hers 

15 comments:

  1. Another thought provoking post,thank you.

    Interesting that this resonated with you, as it does with me in part. Maybe all long term relationships go through this to a certain degree.

    The ones that survive and thrive are possibly the ones that are able to get beyond this. As I am fairly new to the FLR dynamic I have limited experience but on current evidence the dynamic seems to rekindle the sexual relationship and deepens the love. Female domination and control of the sexual dynamic might be the catalyst. This may come about by the freedom that this provides with having that control, but equally the calm and contentment that settles into the relationship may also be a factor. Look forward to hearing the views of others, particularly from the female perspective. DtBHC.

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  2. Thanks so much for stopping by. I don't recall that you have commented before. I hope this will not be your last. Your views are always welcome.

    You made this comment, "Maybe all long term relationships go through this to a certain degree." The 'this' that you referred to I assume is periods of infrequent intimacy. You may be correct that all relationships do go through this but I would contend that there is no need for this. Do they also go through periods where there is no love? Where there is no consideration toward the other? Where there is no affection given? Etc.

    Although I'm sure we might all answer yes to all of these, that does not mean that it is good, healthy, and a wonderful part of a relationship that we all should look forward. For whatever reason this particular woman decided not to give of her body or for the reason that my former wife chose to withhold hers I find both as a copout. I find it as being insensitive and inconsiderate to her spouse. Yet as I stated in the post, there could be confounding issues that are at work in each situation that I simply do not understand.

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    1. Yes, you are correct that I haven't stopped by before. Have been lurking for a bit. I am just starting out in this. Following your response I went and read some of your first few posts from 2011 and I see some similarity in myself to the start of your journey. I enjoy your thoughts and comments and intend to spend sometime going back into your earlier posts. I find all of this very helpful.

      I think I got lucky in that I found a lot of the resources you mentioned before my marriage ended thus allowing me to reinvigorate it ( a year ago I had contemplated walking). It also saved me from going through a separation which by all accounts is so emotionally taxing that it is a wonder that those that go through it try again. I can sense the hurt and anger that inevitably comes with the relationship breakdown.

      In answer to your response I think intimacy does wax and wane and I am sure both partners contribute to this, often very subtlety, sometimes overtly. I also believe love endures, even without the intimacy, up to point when it breaks and that's tragic.

      In reflecting on my recent realisations I have had to confront my past infractions with my wife. I now get to atone and get to do over a lot of my past mistakes and infractions. In this I am truly thankful. In a lot of us on this journey I find parallels in that it takes us until our children become adults to learn that we have been ‘pricks” within the marriage. How different our lives and loves could have been if we had learned these lessons in our 20s.

      Enough of the male perspective, ladies please share your thoughts and insights so that we mere men can be enlightened. DtBHC

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    2. DtBHC,
      Seeing the errors of your past is probably the key to turning things around. Glad you could see that side of you that wasn't the best for your marriage. We all live and we all learn and there really is truth that there is wisdom with age. Ever wonder how wise those old geezers that lived into their 6-800's were? Those before the flood? I wish I had a fraction of what they knew.

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  3. Women who deny their man sex don't deserve to keep them.

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    1. Are you suggesting that a life without sex is reason for divorce? That's a pretty broad sweeping statement that you made. Care to clarify a little more?

      I do understand the intent behind your words that to you deny your partner some part of your "person" is not always the best option.

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    2. I just don't think its right to get married and then deny sex. It's part of the deal. I had a bf that wasn't able to have sex for medical reasons. But I stayed with him a long time because I knew it wasn't his fault. But I also felt that we could be intimate in other ways, which he didnt have any desire for. Not even hugs, so eventually it fell apart. Intimacy is important in a relationship and shouldn't be used as a weapon or a tool.

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    3. I totally and fully agree with you, SafiOwnz!

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  4. Reading the excerpt made me so sad! I think sex is often the best way to express the intimacy and love in my relationship; especially when words just cannot encapsulate the true depth of emotion or love. I cannot imagine not having a strong sex life with my husband. It is such a part of our connection.

    My previous marriage was very different, and although not the reason we broke up, our lack of sex was a big contributor. I think the lack of sex was more of an expression of not wanting to be together in general because we really didnt even have that to bring us together--which should have been a flag I guess. I am not saying that is true for everyone, but at least for me, not wanting sex with my ex was larger than just not wanting sex in general.

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    1. Rhiannon, you bring up a good point when you contrast the difference between your first and second marriage and the amount of sex that was found in each. The lack of closeness you felt toward your first husband was such that you didn't want to share that part of you. In your current marriage that distance is not there but has been replaced by the closeness and intimacy you feel. You feel close, you feel loved and so having a physical relationship is simply a normal outcome that expresses the health of your relationship as it is currently. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. I think my wife is lazy when it comes to sex, the relationship. She gets her fulfilment in other ways. Lower if not none existent sex drive on her part coupled with a self indulgence that I would say borders on Narcissism means that as there is no need for me in her life there is no reason for her to put any effort in. To me it is not a lack or sex per se in that she is OK to lie there and have me fuck her. Its a lack of intimacy. A lack of willingness to invest in the relationship. A lack of willingness to communicate. A lack of patience.

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    1. Submanhub, That is one depressing comment. I feel bad for you.

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  6. I'm-Hers, this post made me very sad.
    I have even a hard time with keeping My One locked up for short stints, let alone a long time. I am a woman, and I completely LOVE the interaction of making love. Sex can be sex, but love making involves the body and the heart. I operate from the heart.
    If it were not for busy lives, love making would happen most likely daily. I am always happy when My One initiates things. Some times, yes, I get caught up in life for whatever reason and boom it's been a week or more. Now wonders I am cranky and miserable. I have needs as a woman, and some of those needs, for me, can only be filled by my mans body. Both the hormones it releases and the love that is given.
    When the kids were younger, it was harder and WAY to much time would pass in-between our alone times. But now that the kids are all a little older and not quite as dependent upon mom, well, heck, let's go Sweetie! There was a time he would come to me and tell me he was lonely. I look back and feel terrible for that. I was nursing and/or pregnant. I didn't know what loneliness was then. Now I get it, and feel terrible I let him suffer so.
    So, yes I can completely understand the sadness of that post.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about how you feel regarding the importance of having an intimate physical relationship. I do agree with you that what this man wrote is indeed very very sad. Isn't it amazing how we can look at other relationships from the outside looking in and see things, sometimes more objectively then those that are involved in those relationships can see themselves.

      I'm glad you and your One take time to share and that the frequency of your sharing is often now that your children are grown. Willow Fae, hindsight is often 20/20 as they say. Don't go beating yourself up about your past. Learn from it, make changes and move on. Thanks so much for stopping by.

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    2. I feel bad, but I don't beat myself up over it - anymore. I did. Now, now I just make the most out of the days that we do have. You can't go back we can only go forward. It is up to us, who we want to be.
      I choose to be a passionate wife and mistress to my lover, my husband and my very, very best friend.

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