Monday, February 23, 2015

Why women leave men they love

Katie showed me the below passage some time ago. I copied and pasted it. It’s written by someone who lives in BC Canada. It’s quite sobering. It’s sad. It’s insightful.  To those of you who are men and have submitted, a good part of why you submitted may have been (probably should have been) to avoid what this person wrote. To those of you that are dominant women, this passage speaks to why you need to insist, even demand, that you stay all over your man to make sure he holds fast to his role as your submissive. To those women who live in the everyday average marriage (one where you do your thing and he does his) and you are not satisfied, you may want to strongly consider taking charge of the man you love and thereby avoid the sad story below.

I don’t have much to say that can add to what is written. It’s profound as a stand-alone post.  I’d love to hear your feedback and thoughts.

“As a marriage counselor working with men and women in relationship crisis, I help clients navigate numerous marriage counseling issues. While many situations are complex, there’s one profoundly simple truth that men need to know. It’s this – Women leave men they love.
They feel terrible about it. It tears the heart out of them. But they do it. They rally their courage and their resources and they leave. Women leave men with whom they have children, homes and lives. Women leave for many reasons, but there’s one reason in particular that haunts me, one that I want men to understand:

Women leave because their man is not present. He’s working, golfing, gaming, watching TV, fishing… the list is long. These aren’t bad men. They’re good men. They’re good fathers. They support their family. They’re nice, likeable. But they take their wife for granted. They’re not present.

Women in my office tell me “Someone could come and sweep me off my feet, right out from under my husband.” Sometimes the realization scares them. Sometimes they cry.

Men – I’m not saying this is right or wrong. I’m telling you what I see. You can get as angry or hurt or indignant as you want. Your wife is not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn it. Day by day, moment to moment. You earn her first and foremost with your presence, your aliveness. She needs to feel it. She wants to talk to you about what matters to her and to feel you hearing her. Not nodding politely. Not placating. Definitely not playing devil’s advocate.

She wants you to feel her. She doesn’t want absent-minded groping or quick release sex. She wants to feel your passion. Can you feel your passion? Can you show her? Not just your passion for her or for sex; your passion for being alive. Do you have it? It’s the most attractive thing you possess. If you’ve lost it, why? Where did it go? Find out. Find it. If you never discovered it you are living on borrowed time.”


23 comments:

  1. Such great advice my sage friend. This is very reason why I asked Mistress K. to accept my submission in the first. I have no passion greater than being present for my wife. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Your welcome friend. Glad the message hit home and was acted upon. It struck me in the same way.

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  2. I feel I have always been a good husband and father. However, until I (we) decided that my most important role in life was to please Cathy and to live under her direction I did not realize how sweet life can be. My greatest desire, day in and day out, is to be with her, to listen to her, to respect her always, to kneel at her feet, to obey her. Having said that, I continue to mess up. Still, my desire for career, friends, outside activities have taken on a second tier status. How is it that we males begin courting our ladies as if they rule the world, yet as time goes by we learn to replace them with other priorities. Realizing that Cathy does indeed rule my world has been the greatest revelation of my life. It took me 38 years of marriage to discover this (Im a slow learner) but I am so very glad that I did. I hope this sound like much of a ramble; I'm new to blogging.

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    1. tom, I welcome you and your Mistress to the blog. Thanks so much for taking the time to share. As one 'late middle aged' man to another, it's so good to have the likes of you and your wife Cathy reading and hopefully sharing as posts strike your interest.

      I can say that all men mess up. It's just too easy to be selfish, lazy or simply not observant of what our wives need and expect. The change is difficult and, for me, even after several years its hard to do what I know I should - all the time.

      As for the rambling..... ramble on as much as you wish!

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  3. A truth that I only recently discovered. It is quite surprising the significant changes just a simple shift in focus can create. DtBHC.

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    1. DtBHC, that shift is probably one of shifting 'back' to the way one's focus was when one fell in love to begin with.

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  4. Wow, I'm glad I wised up and submitted to my dear wife. Our marriage is stronger and full of passion and intimacy now that I am completely dedicated to making her life as sweet as possible.

    That article was spot on, and it's sad that wives find themsves in that situation. I'm thrilled that my wife and I got off that road to a sure divorce. Donna is thriving and we are crazy about each other ever since I became Her Little Bitch two years ago. (Donna doesn't call me that anymore because she is not into feminiing me, but she has found other fun ways to keep me in my place.)

    With Donna's loving command over me, I contribute a whole lot more to our marriage and to our family. It has taken a while to morph into an FLR and I had to exercise a lot of patience and re-thinking, but what a joyful journey we are on. I dearly love my wife, and hope that other couples can find that sweet submission.

    Thanks for sharing that article, IH. Now get off the blog for a while and go serve that beautiful woman of yours with joy and passion. :-)

    Scott

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    1. Truer words were never spoken for those of us that are blessed to understand and live the life you describe. Nicely done!

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    2. Scott, Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, I was off serving my wife instead :). Seriously, I was not aware that you and Donna had a marriage that was headed to divorce. It makes the significance of your submission to her even more significant and I'm sure that one change profoundly altered the course of everything that encompassed the two of you.

      Thanks for the compliments on the post but the post was not mine. I simply posted the beautiful words of another. Have a great week.

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  5. This was beautifully written. Thank you.

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  6. Man, this is so true. We have several sets of friends and this is always the issue. Our pastor even talks about it from the pulpit. His number one message to married guys is "Be Present". We have friends where the guy is home more than the wife but you wouldn't know it, He's off playing video games, watching sports, washing the car, but never engaged, never helpful in the way the wife needs, and never there for her emotionally. We wife is crying to Ellie all the time about it.I have said numerous times, that she just needs to take charge, but its just not that simple.

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  7. I think in some ways this is why my first marriage broke up. Can't change that only make sure it never happens again. With a FLM in place its guaranteed not to.

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    1. SOS, I don't know that living in a WLM eliminates the possibility of a repeat - assuming both parties adhere to what they initially established. Its when the woman lets the man off the hook, doesnt' keep on him or doesn't stop behaviors right away that a repeat can be curtailed effectively. I hope for both of our sakes that neither of us repeats not being at our wives beckon at all times.

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  8. IH as a submissive male 18 months into our WLM ive struggled a bit around the initiating sex bit. If i dont am i not showing my wonderful Mistress that i am still deeply turned on by het but if i do am i ursurping her authority. Your post has prompted me to discuss this with Mistress D but do you have a view? Thanks IH

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    1. 2780flr, Thanks for sharing and thanks for your question. I think my view on this is that for each couple how a submissive man approaches 'sex' with his wife differs. I think you know when you are pushing the issue and when you aren't. There is a woman blogger who loves it when her husband is aggressive and does pursue her. Katie doesn't mind me pursuing but if she moves my hand away from her midsection I know that she's not in the mood. I can tell and I think you can tell as well. But Katie loves physical contact. She loves me holding her, kissing her neck in the kitchen, putting my arm around her when we sit on the sofa, She loves me pulling her in tight when we go to bed, etc.... I know what she loves and I know that if I do a little something that if she is in the mood will take up my offer if she hasn't overtly taken me already. Make sense? If you aren't sure... talk to your wife. If for no other reason, the openness and desire to do what is right for her will be appreciated. Please stop back again.

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  9. Yeah I guess she's right. Or maybe not. Codependency, a husband that won't leave, won't let go, won't grow up and do what needs to be done to provide for his house, the one who wont leave has just as many problems as the one who is never there.

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    1. Brad,
      I would dare say that the vast majority of average to poor marriages have lots to do with changes in male behavior after the wedding day than changes in the female behavior. I believe problems start years before they ever become noticed and simmer, hidden from view, until they start to finally cause issues. Yes, I believe the issue is not just a guy thing but when you are a professional (a shrink) and the same comments are stated independently hundreds of times, I think you need to give some credence to what is being said. I am not saying that you are at fault. I don't even know if you have issues, but I am saying that if you and I and other men look carefully at how we behave and how we spend our time at home with family/wife, there is probably truth to what is stated above by this man.

      Thanks for stopping by.

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  10. IH, How can I start to assert my authority and desires? Hubby doesn't do oral sex very much, hardly ever, and up to now has not cooperated with trying to fit a chastity device. :( J

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    1. J, I asked Katie for help but she didn't have much advice to give. My thought is to have a heart to heart with your husband. Ask him why he doesn't want to give you oral. Is it an oder, a taste he doesn't enjoy, a bad association from a previous marriage, etc.... It would be good for him to verbalize what he is feeling, what he wants, how he feels your marriage is going, just as it would be good for you to share what you envision for your marriage in the days ahead.

      Maybe approach things where you do a 'play weekend' where you two have fun. Maybe be in chastity at home, or try different things that force you both to be vulnerable.

      I don't think you can make him change. He needs to want to change and maybe it's up to you to find ways to push his buttons in the areas so that he can change..... my advice.... write a question to Lady Grey who writes the Woman in Control blog. She is a wise woman who might have good advice for you. Her blog link is on the right side of my page. Keep me posted on your progress.

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    2. Thank you so so much. I really appreciate it. I will see about writing to her for advice. :)
      J

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    3. Hello Miss J,

      If I may add my thoughts to the conversation, just trust your instincts, be patient and enjoy the process. Guide your marriage, and your husband, in a manner that you think is best, and have fun along the way!

      Elise Sutton runs a very informative website that may help: http://www.femalesuperiority.com

      Ma. Sutton posts an article titled How to Unleash Your Female Power that provides a lot of supporting rationale plus a few bits of practical advice. Her website is a gold mine of different things men and women can do to build a strong, loving FLR. Don't pay too much attention to the erotic Femdom artwork on the website and dig into the the written content, including Q&A Forum and Real Life Experiences. Elise is not everyone's cup of tea, but I find her to be very knowledgeable, sincere and wise.

      Anyway, as you and your husband take baby steps, may you enjoy the journey, J, and remember to seek a relationship that is built on love and on your terms!

      Best regards,

      Scott

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  11. Dear I'm Hers,

    Following your email I spoke to my Mistress who has agreed to reply via my blog.
    So here are Her thoughts and words, I hope they help.
    Regards
    m


    Hello there I'm Hers,

    The problem with giving advice is that one rarely knows all the facts. In J's case it seems that there are precious few details. So with that in mind I am going to make some assumptions; which is of course a dangerous proposition.

    J, if your man shows any interest in BDSM or FLR/FLM there is a realistic chance that this side of your relationship can grow and bloom.
    If there are no indications I'm afraid you may have to accept this.

    Let's look on the positive side and there are a few glimmers of enlightenment, try to build on them. Slowly at first. Maybe get him to do something each day that he wouldn't normally do, I.e. get you a cup of coffee at a set time, just ask him politely using terms on endearment that you never use, for example "Fetch me a coffee now please dear, sweetheart, precious. You get the idea I'm sure. Ensure if possible he does this for you each day, always thank him afterwards and ask him to take the empty cup out. This will slowly enforce the providing, service side of your relationship.

    From there it's small steps that lead to control, be firm, be strong and you can have success.

    I wish you well, if I can help with advice contact I'm Hers he can always email my boy.

    Warmest regards
    Mistress S

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