Thursday, March 12, 2015

Conversations

I had a wonderful chat with my daughter some time ago. She is out of school and although quite attractive has never thrown herself at boys. Rather her attention has been focused on her studies and playing intercollegiate sports. I have admired all three traits from afar. She has dated but most were with guys whom she went out with once, twice, maybe three times before passing on their next offer.  But as with most things in life things have changed. There is a new ‘boy’ and she likes this ‘boy’. He’s older by a few years, is gainfully employed, has a faith that meshes with hers and treats her well. He texts her every day. He calls her every night. He lives some distance away and drives to see her most every weekend. I like him. I like the effort he makes to please and I like that my girl is happy.

Jokingly I asked if she’s kissed him yet and she responded quite shocked that I asked telling me she hadn’t.   
“Why?” I asked and she told me she didn’t want to kiss a guy if he was just going to be a guy she had no real feelings for.

”I want to kiss someone I really like and not regret kissing him just because he expected a kiss.”  I smiled inside once more.

Having that door open, I asked if he opens doors when they go out. “Well he does but it seems really odd when he does.”

“Why?”

Well he opens a door and then stands there and I look at him and he tells me that I need to walk through the door he’s holding.”

“That should make you happy,” I commented.

“It feels weird dad.”

“Why”

“Because I can open the door myself and when he does it for me all the time it makes me feel like I’m weak and can’t take care of myself.”

It’s good for him to do this,” I suggested. “You need to let him open every door you pass through.”

“Why?”

“Because it gives him a chance to put you first.”

I steered the conversation to share how I serve Katie and mentioned a time when I forgot to open a car door a few years ago.

“She really yelled at you?” my daughter said aghast.

“She didn’t scold me but she did raise her voice and let me know that I needed to get to the other side of the car ASAP to open her door – and I’ll never forget again,” I said with a snicker.

My daughter already knows I do the cooking for us and I reiterated that the reason I do is twofold: first because working in the kitchen is not something Katie enjoys and second because it gives me a chance to express love – much in the same fashion her beau can express affection when he holds a door and lets her walk in before him.

I talked and she listened. I didn’t make it at all about me submitting and her dominating. Rather I kept the tone vanilla and relaxed and mentioned in various ways that the work I do for Katie keeps my heart and actions attuned to her.  My daughter understood. What she does with the information is up to her but I do hope a few seeds take root.

I know another young lady. This one is a spitfire, even though she is all of 14 and weighs not a drop over 100#’s.  She asked me one day, “What is your wife going to cook you for dinner?”

I shocked her when I answered, “She doesn’t cook me dinner ever. I cook for her?”

“Why!”

“Because that’s what my wife wants. She wants me to cook for her.”

“Why doesn’t she do the cooking?”

I smiled broadly, “Because I do.”

She left shaking her head but a week later she asked the same question and I gave her the same answer. This time I asked why her dad didn’t cook for her mom. She didn’t have an answer other than ‘because mom does the cooking’. 

“That’s no excuse,” I said. “Your dad could do it just as easily as your mom.”

The subject changed but the seed was planted.  I love planting seeds. I love making young minds re-evaluate life, situations, and predicaments. Sometimes we do things because that’s the way mom and dad did it.  How many of us vote as we do because that’s how mom and dad voted?  Too many. In the end, we never think. We never use our brains and really assess. I’ve stated this before: One of the best things a person can do is to try to prove themselves wrong rather than justify their current position. Why you ask? Because it forces you to think outside the box and in the process maybe look at things a wee bit differently.

I’m Hers

16 comments:

  1. Great post, thank you! One of the main hurdles that I've seen in situations like this is that MANY women must overcome psychologically these days is this notion of "equality" in their relationships. Boys and girls these days have it hammered in to them that they are, and should be, equal partners in their relationships. Girls (and boys) are taught that no partner should be above or below the other so it's hard for them to wrap their heads around this notion that it's OK that they are "in charge". I could write 10,000 words on this subject because I see it over and over anecdotally (it even took my own wife years to be OK with a situation like yours and mine).

    I've always espoused the notion that every good relationship needs a leader and that most relationships already have that, it's just tacit.

    I'm glad to read that you've been "advancing the cause"!

    -wifey

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    1. Wifey,
      Thanks so much for sharing. I agree with what you wrote. I also believe it will take a few more generations before changes are really seen. Girls model their mothers and if their mother lives a life that is one of a "traditional" marriage where her husband is the head of the home it makes breaking the mold extremely hard for the daughter who lives and watches that way of living for the first 15-20 years of her life.

      Yes there is change taking place but it is far from being a wide spread change. At least that's my observation. I guess it is up to men like us to do what we can to help facilitate that change when appropriate.

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  2. Sounds like a fine young lady, IH. It is cool when we can help younger folks learn to appreciate and respect one another better, especially when it comes to relationships. Donna and I have two boys who got to witness our transformation to a FLR. I think they are in awe of their Mother, seeing what kind of wise, loving leader she has become. They have also learned to appreciate and respect women more than they used to, especially our youngest who was dabbling in that gangsta' lifestyle. He's working his way out of that thanks in part to his girlfriend. His old 'hood friends call him pussywhipped, but people who know him call him a Man now that he is focused on making her life better.

    Scott

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    1. Scott,
      I think what you and Donna are doing is great. Letting your boys see how you adore and love their mom is the best role modeling for them they could ever have. I am sure that it will make them think long and hard about how a girl should be treated. Not only that, it makes having discussions with them about the girls they are interested in that much easier and you can share with them your views of how you treat their mom and draw parallels for them as it pertains to their situation.

      Won't it be interesting to see what sort of young men they become and what kind of women they are attracted to. Maybe someday you will be having Thanksgiving dinner at one of their homes and their wife will be sitting at the head of the table :-)

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  3. I'm-Hers I am not reading your blog from the beginning, so I do not know where are you from, but feminist propaganda is strong in the west.According to this opening a door to a woman is sexism against woman, because , this was the custom when man was generally the head of the household, and they rationalise this as opening a door for a woman is a show of male superiority, because women are so weak little flowers that they can't open a door, pretty similarly men generally holding the heavy bags is also sexism against women, because it is a sign of physical superiority of males. These kind of nonsenses might be feed to your daughter/sigh

    Man being the head of the household is way more better than equalism, because in equalism there is no-one who has the final word in the matters, that means endless debate , contempt,and the destruction of the family, democracy between two people is a really bad idea.(Sory for the bad english)

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    1. Add to this that I will be comfortable, well way more comfortable if my wife would be the head of the household, but in my country there is a shame word for those men who let her wives to be more dominant it is called "papucs" or "Házi papucs" that means slippers or House slippers , so I am stuck with endless debates , and we waiting for our fourth kids . What do you think what should I do?
      Zsolt.

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    2. Anonymous,
      Thanks so much for sharing thoughts and making observations. How interesting it is that customs can be polar opposites. In the states we sometimes say that chivalry is not dead - meaning that men living as medieval knights (caring for the queen they serve) is still something desired. That sounds like that is not the case in your country.

      As to your question, I think how you answer it will depend on your values. Do you want to serve your wife? Does your wife want to be served? If the two of you can answer yes to those questions then the next question in my mind would be whether or not you want others to see how you live publicly. If you choose to do so then you will subject yourself to some ridicule but if the two of you understand the value of living with her in charge don't you think it would be worth it? I mean, the guys that might make fun of you do not have the same influence on your day to day life the way your wife can.

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  4. Has it not become obvious to your daughter that you and your live in a FLR? Or not?


    FD

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    1. I don't think my daughter is even aware that there is such a thing as a FLR. Given that, she does know that Katie is in charge but it's not an abusive authority that Katie welds and so what she observes is not something in which she views Katie as being oppressive to her dad.

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  5. I think it awsome that you had that talk with your daughter. I have a daughter of my own and two daughter in laws .My wife and I are very open about are FLR .They all know I do all the laundry clean the floors ect.and on weekends they have a bowling league so I watch the grandkids while they are gone. This is just normal for us and the girls and I are very close .I can't say that my boys and their wives will have a FLR but they can see the results of what a wonderful relationship my wife and I have. RR

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    1. RR, so glad to see you commented. You know, you and I live to please our wives. How funny it is that the 'world' sees that idea as a novel idea. When you think about it doesn't that seem odd? I mean, we have structure in our marriage that happens to include 'her' being in charge. Other than that, it's just like every other marriage. I mean, someone needs to be in charge. I love it and I can see that you do as well. I wonder if you or your wife take the time to engage your children and their spouses in the positive aspects of living with the woman in charge. What an opportunity you have.

      Glad to see you working hard for the ladies while they enjoy time together.

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    2. I think are kids are very aware of who is in charge in our marriage. We don't openly discuss it with them but I have bought books in the past on subjects such as strong willed women and women who lead and leave them out so anyone can read them if they would want to. If they would ever ask I would talk to them about it for sure. R R

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  6. RR,
    I admire the way that you and your wife approach your wife led marriage with your children and grandchildren. My guess is that it is only a matter of time before there happen to be conversations and I am sure that the role modeling that you and your wife display has already lead to some talks between husband and wife privately. Thanks so much for letting me take a peek inside your extended family's home.

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  7. So often when you try to talk with your children the words just do not come out. It was like that with Becky for quite a long time. She asked questions, we talked, and had conversations of sort, but it was very difficult for me to explain to her how things had changed between her daddy and me.
    One day when Becky was looking for more information, the words just kind of came out. In the end it was simple. 'Do you know what the word mistress means' I asked Becky. Before she could answer, I said something like the word has a couple of meanings. 'Not the one about a woman who sleeps with a married man' I told her. 'You mean like a woman who bosses a man around' she asked. Yes, exactly, I responded. I am your father's mistress. From that point on the conversations never ended. Our version of femdom is family friendly. We talk about what is best for the children, the proper environment for them, and about the things I would do differently if given the opportunity.
    And there are times when we talk about men, and the problems of managing our homes and our men. And yes, there are times when the conversations may sound more like two sisters than mother/daughter. In general I think it is easier for a mother to talk with her daughter than it is for a father to talk with his daughter.

    I am sure that Katie will never replace your daughter's mom, but I hope they can be friends. I also hope they can talk together as adult women.

    Kathy


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  8. This is teddy. Just read your blog. Very interesting. Some advice from years of experience.
    Before inviting daughter for lunch ask permission. You would have been in a pickle if Katie said no ?

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    1. Teddy, True.... but..... It was my daughter and I hadn't seen her since Christmas... and the company was paying for my meal, and we weren't going to be home til after 10 PM so I was pretty certain that Katie would have let me. But you know what they say about assuming.... never a good idea.

      thanks for the comment and for taking the time to read.

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