Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Conversation Continued

In the previous post I mentioned a few instances where I had spoken with my daughter regarding the need for her to let a boyfriend show her respect and value through his actions. Since that time that relationship has ended. My daughter told me that within a few days after she decided to commit to him more seriously he got cold feet and stopped communicating. From my perspective what happened seemed quite odd and very calloused on his part.
This week she has spent her spring break with me. We've had a wonderful time together and have spent hours talking. Yesterday I had to drive for several hours to a job and she came along. The subject of her relationship came up and I made the comment that in my opinion men are mountain climbers. I explained how I believe men have a desire to reach a goal - that being the top of a mountain. I told her that her boyfriend reached a bit of a mountain peak when he got her to commit to him more seriously. When she did the challenge of him having to woo her no longer existed and apparently he didn’t have other mountain tops on the horizon to conquer.

I segued our discussion to note how Katie and I relate. My daughter has been watching us for the past several days while visiting and she knows even more because of past conversations I've we've had. This week however, she has gotten a chance to view how we relate firsthand. She's watched me work in the kitchen. She's observed that Katie doesn’t do dishes, clean the kitchen or do meal prep. She's watched me empty the dishwasher after hearing Katie inform me that it is clean. She's heard me ask Katie permission more than once. On our way home from work I asked if she'd like to go to a nice restaurant to eat. When she said she did I told her I needed to text Katie to get approval/permission.

I mention these instances to highlight how she's had a chance to see what a relationship looks like when the woman is in charge and her daddy is not. While we drove I revealed more about Katie and I; how Katie takes care of our finances and how I ask permission before making purchases or doing things. I told her how she expects me to call just before I arrive at work and send a text when I leave at the end of the day. I told her that I don't spend money normally and when I do I call to get permission before purchasing anything.  I gave her several examples of how life between the two of us plays out.

She remembers me primarily as the dad who is married to her mom. She knows of some of our issues and she knows that I was a bit of a control freak because I did not trust her mom in certain ways. I told her about a conversation that Katie and I had before we married and how Katie insisted it would be best if I didn’t have that same kind of control in our marriage. I went on to tell my daughter how much I have been at peace with myself because of the limits Katie has placed on me. 
I don't get anxious over finances. I don't stress because Katie hasn't done something that I've wanted her to do. I don't worry about getting things done or not having things done my way. I don’t worry anymore. I explained that now I do what I’m told and rest that her expectations are well grounded and wise.

My daughter can see the difference in me. She can see that I am a happier man, a happier dad. I am sure she can see the difference when comparing the old me to the new. Never in our conversation did I mention I was Katie’s submissive or suggest I was the lesser in our relationship. I didn't talk about femdom or make things kinky. Rather I tried to help her understand that living with Katie in charge has made me a happy, content man who loves his new wife with all of his being.
At one point while driving my daughter made the comment "well I guess Katie is the boss". I smiled. I knew she had got it when she spoke those words.

It's nice to have the cat out of the bag, at least somewhat. My daughter knows a little bit more. She understands the why behind some of my actions. I think she sees the value of our power exchange and how it has created a marriage in which her daddy feels loved and secure.

I don't know that I will tell her more in the future. At this point I think it's best to leave it up to her to bring things up to discuss. She knows enough. She knows that her daddy is a happier man. She knows that he doesn't have the control he had before. She knows that Katie is in charge and daddy asks permission and takes care of his new bride. She knows enough to get her thinking about how she might structure the next relationship she enters when the next boy comes along. At least, I hope she does.

I'm Hers

21 comments:

  1. Wow, you sure have given your daughter some things to think about, especially how happy you are in a loving relationship in which “Katie is the boss.” I’m almost certain that she will have high expectations of how men in her life should treat her, not just in the courtship stage but for the long term.

    I imagine your daughter is still processing much of what you told her. No doubt she sees the harmony and happiness involved with your loving service and deference to Katie, but does she harbor any resentment toward Katie for exerting authority over you? Does she feel respect and appreciation for Katie?

    Warm regards,

    Scott

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    1. Yes Scott, she has seen how happy I am with Katie. However, she has also lived most all of her life watching dad be in charge rather than mom. I am sure she thinks very traditionally and although I know she wants to be with a man that respects and loves her I don't know that she has given much thought to being the kind of woman that Katie is. It'll be interesting to see what time reveals.

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  2. Well done, IH. I do believe it is a major part for a father to show is daughter, by his actions, what kind of man she should expect for a mate. We should be the example for them in what a man should be and I believe you are showing yourself to be such.

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    1. DL's knight,
      It is important for me that my kids see this side of me but as I commented above, most of what my children have seen has not been their dad living under the leadership of their mother but rather living in a traditional patriarchal relationship. I don't really know how much influence I will have on them given the years and years of time they've spent living in a home where the relationship was completely opposite that of hell I am living now. I wonder if my teaching window has passed. One can only hope it hasn't.

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  3. So many women are used to be being expected to "cook and clean" and they don't expect to be treated like "a lady" by their men. I see couples all the time and the man doesn't even bother to oper her car door. And I used to be like that! Or the lady will go in first, or guy similarly acting like a douchebag (sorry for the term, but that's how I see them). It never ever occurred to me in the past that I should expect that from a man. Not just opening doors but ALL KINDS of other stuff. I guess some men just don't realize it. But planting the seeds is a good start to change the expections! I have a daughter too, and will start "dropping hints" here and there.

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    1. Cathy, I would encourage you to do more than just drop hints. A mother/daughter relationship can be quite frank and open and I hope you will have the security to speak frankly with your daughter on what she should expect from a guy-and even demand from him. Now wouldn't it be fun to have an agreement between you, your daughter, and your husband and let your daughter practice with her dad as to what she should expect or demand from a prospective boy. You could turn it into quite a fun game if you play your cards right and she could learn lots in the process.
      I remember pleading with my first wife "just tell me what you want me to do!" when she felt so unloved. I wanted to know but I had no clue how to get from point A to point B. Sadly I never did learn and so my lack of understanding contributed to our failed marriage.

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    2. That is a great idea! I will be more pro-active with her, and will also tell her to let her friends know. I am learning a lot from your blogs, little "ideas" on what I should expect from my husband. For example, I didn't know you text or call your wife on arriving to or leaving work? I thought about that but didn't know if it was overreaching. Anyway, thank you!

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    3. IH, out of curiousity, if you say you will text or call your wife when leaving work or getting home, and you don't do it, what would you expect her reaction to be?

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    4. Cathy, I will get comments like "hey, when were you going to call me?" Or "did you forget to call me?" Or "hey, you know I expect you to call me!"
      Each response has an air of indignancy your surprise or worry or some emotion attached to it. She either gets upset because I didn't make contact or worries that I didn't arrive safely. If I forget to text when I leave work or don't do it soon enough and she calls me before I text her I'll usually get a "Weren't you going to text me?" Sort of a comment.
      Hope this helps.

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    5. Thank you. But if you VOLUNTEER that you are going to call her when you leave work, it was not requested by her, and then you decide that something else is more important at the time and do not call her at the time specified, would you consider that you were not a man of your word? Thank you again!

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    6. Cathy, I am not sure where you were going with this but katie's expectation is that I call just before I get to work and I text when I know my arrival time. Almost every day when I leave for work she will say "call me when you get there." When I leave I have to negotiate some traffic before I get on a main road and so I usually will let her know my arrival time once I get on the highway. That way, I can give her a more accurate estimate.
      But to answer your question, no I would not be a man of my word if I didn't follow through on something regardless of it being a volunteer or a mandate. I do make mistakes and I'm sure we all do. So in that respect none of us are people of our words all the time. I just try to keep that to a minimum.

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  4. Your daughter is a lucky woman, and I think you're a great dad for being so willing to be open with your daughter about how your marriage is structured. I wish my 19 year old was open to considering that "mom in charge" is simply another way of doing things. I was a single mom until she was 9. Both girls lived with me full time, and saw their bio-dad every other weekend. My oldest(she's 21) sees that my knight and I are happy, and accepts that it works for us for me to be in charge. She and I have talked, and she gets that my knight just feels more secure and is happier when I'm in charge of things. However, my 19 yr old believes everything should be "50/50", and gets very angry with me when she hears my knight ask permission for something or or say "your mom said no." She's spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to convince me that I'm mean, and unfair to my knight. She's even gone as far as trying to tell me that my knight only listens to me because "he's afraid of what will happen if he doesn't." I called her on that one, and called him into the room, ask him flat out if that was true. He answered negatively, and tried to explain to my daughter that he likes it this way. My daughter became angry with us both. We don't discuss it with either of my older kids unless they bring it up. Sometimes my 21 yr old will ask me questions. She's trying to decide how she wants to structure her serious relationships when they happen. Both girls on on their own now - in college in different states, so it doesn't come up often anymore with my 19 yr old. But, she's clearly uncomfortable with our dynamic. For my younger kids, it's "just they way it is". My son was 2 when my knight and I got together, my youngest daughter is knight's child, and my stepson was only 4 when I cam along, so it's all those three know, and it seems natural to them.

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    1. Angelique, I remember reading about the grief that your younger daughter has given you. There must be something inside that is causing her to rebel against the female lead relationship that you and your knight share. I'm sorry that she cannot except you as the head of the family unit.
      However it appears that your older daughter and the two youngest ones view your relationship quite differently. In my view every child is unique as I'm sure you are well aware. Maybe your 19-year-old will never lead a life that resembles yours but then again as she matures she may completely reversed her position.
      Thanks for sharing. I admire you personally and wonder sometimes how you manage to juggle so many things in your personal and family life. You have a ton of things going on in your marriage and with your children. Keep up the good work.

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  5. My wife and I don't have a very overt female led relationship although I now do most of the cooking, all the dishes and laundry. I presume my daughter has seen this change in the last few years and she knows that any time she wants to do something it needs to be approved by Mom, not Dad.
    She has a boyfriend now who is chronically disappointing. We try to tell her that he has not had good role models and is learning. We also encourage her to "teach" him how to treat her right.
    Just the other night she said that when she was leaving his house he asked if he should walk her to the car. She said of course you should! She told us she was training him! I got a thrill out of that and a feeling of pride that she was standing up for herself.
    When I read the Femdom 101 blog about Kathy and her daughter, I hope that someday my daughters will recognize that a female led relationship like their parents have can be extremely beneficial to them.

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    1. Mr. Bill, thank you for sharing. I loved your story about your daughter and how she is obviously learning how to take control of her relationship-at least to some degree. I would be curious to know if your wife gives her advice privately. I think it is great that you are modeling appropriate behavior for her to observe but it would probably be helpful to your daughter to have some open and honest conversation take place between she and her mother. That way she gets to both observe A man submitting to his wife while learning and getting tips from her mom as the dominant partner in your relationship.

      How you describe your responsibilities at home sounds pretty much like mine. Katie is not overly overt either and I am not one to necessarily make things hard for her. I do what I know I agreed to do and she reminds me but never admonishes or scolds me.

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  6. The 50:50 thing is interesting. My wife talks about 50:50. The problem is that she wants her 50 to be the 50 that she wants no compromise and the other 50 to be insignificant things. So from my point of view its 90:10.

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    1. Submanhub, I don't think I ever mentioned a 50:50 deal with respect to how things are done with my wife. All I said was is that I obey her and do what she says. Maybe your wife is kind of saying the same thing to you but making it sound as if it is an equal give and take deal. Personally I keep trying to get my wife to do less and have me do more but she is resistant at some level to really take full control of me and our marriage. She takes most of the control but she's a wimp in some areas, And she would probably admit that her self. Thanks for taking the time to post a comment. It's always appreciated.

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    2. IH, What would it look like to you for her to take full control? I realize that may be a long answer, or another post, but I thought I'd ask. Maybe the other guys can give their input too.

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    3. Cathy,
      Answering that question is an easy one. When Katie married me I vowed to obey and she vowed to lead and control. In both of our minds that meant I gave up my independence and she established complete control over me. She has complete control. It just so happens that what she wants from me is not harsh living or purposely humiliating me. Hope this helps but I have a hunch that you were looking for more :-). Have a great day.

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  7. Do you think all marriages should be this way? IMO it isn't going to work for everyone. I was kinda surprised you seemed to be encouraging it in your daughter. I was just curious.

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    1. Thank you for your thought. I'm going to respond to your comment in a post if that's okay with you. I think it's worthy enough to give your thought more deliberate attention. If you can hold tight a few days I will address your concern.

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