Saturday, April 25, 2015
I mentioned in the last post that I disobeyed Katie by standing to pee rather than obeying her requirement to sit. This hasn’t always been so but has been something she’s expected of me ever since she spotted something that displeased her – spots on the front of the toilet bowl – dribble marks.
Ever since we met and subsequently married, standing was not a big deal but last spring she cleaned the bowl and noted urine marks on the front. That is what brought this to a head. She knew that I sat whenever she kept me locked and I assured her that I didn’t miss the mark when I stood but the evidence was there and there was no denying it.
That oops led her to change my bathroom habits. “I want you to sit when you use the toilet from now on.” Sitting has everything to do with keeping the bathroom clean. It’s her way of instituting a practical modification to eliminate the possibility of me repeating the oops that got me into this situation.
Of course, nothing is black and white in my world and soon after she told me that I was not to stand anymore I asked, “Can I stand when I’m at work? What about in a public restroom? What about if we visit Debbie, her best friend? What about when we go out to eat?”
I asked and she responded. Yes, no, and I don’t care were her responses. Basically if I used the toilet at a location in which she was worried about me leaving a dribble I was to sit. So anytime I went to anyone’s home I was expected to sit. If I used a public restroom she didn’t care.
So that’s the why behind the what. It’s why I sit. It’s not that I get off sitting because I’m a submissive. Sitting doesn’t do anything for me emotionally. It doesn’t remind me of who I am to her. It’s just something she wants me to do – kind of like washing my hands before I prepare a meal.
Have a wonderful week
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
I was going to see my kids for the weekend and Katie told me to unlock the day before. I asked the morning of my departure, “Will you be locking me for the weekend?”
“Why not?” I asked surprised.
“Because I don’t want others possibly taking notice that you wear a steel cage.”
That conversation came on the heels of posts by Rhiannon and Cathy about consistency and the need to make decisions – even if they weren’t the best ones. Katie and I had talked about those posts and when she told me I’d be free for the weekend, I mentioned those posts and our past brief conversation on the matter. Part – a good part – of me wanted to be locked. Being kept in chastity has become my norm. It is a safe and secure feeling. I know I am kept and love feeling her ever-present control down below. But I left for the weekend a free man and returned the same. I didn’t get my way.
I really wanted to make a big garden salad as I was craving all the good fresh vegetables I’d put in it and so I asked: “May I go out and pick up food for myself to make lunch?”
“No, just get something on your way. It will be easier.”
I nodded in understanding and said no more. It wasn’t what I wanted or would have done had the choice been mine. But the choice wasn’t mine. I had no money in my wallet, my debit card has minimal cash in it and I don’t use it unless I ask first and she usually gives me a debit card to shop at this particular store since they don’t take credit. I was completely at her mercy and her decision was final.
Soon I would be traveling t visit family but Katie had committed to help her company with a special project that would span several days. Selfishly I wanted her to be free over the weekend so she could travel with me but her employer hadn’t sent out the work schedule. I had probed previously, asking Katie to see if she might request weekday work only but she simply responded with an “I can help you whenever” email. As time neared and she still didn’t know her schedule I felt as if they were being irresponsible and inconsiderate and so I told her,
“It drives me nuts that they don’t tell you when you need to work. Why don’t you tell them you can’t work the weekend?”
She ended up not doing anything. She received her work-schedule a day or so later and she did have to work one day of the weekend which didn’t allow her to travel. I was upset but again kept it to myself. Nothing was going to change and Katie chose to do what she wanted – not what I wanted.
I don’t know about ya’ll but for me, obedience still comes at a cost – the cost being a reduction of my ego and selfish ‘why don’t you do it my way’ thoughts. It’s tough being a submissive. It’s hard when you see things working out in one way and your Mistress makes a decision that blows the plan out of the water. Yes, I want to obey. Yes, I see the value of obedience. Yes, I do trust her. But… but… but…. I sometimes what it my way!
In hindsight each of the above three incidences were insignificant. In the scope of life they didn’t matter. None of those altered my feelings for her and all are now in the past. What I learned from those is my vulnerability to her will. I learned that I really do need to obey. I tried to keep my feelings to myself and limiting my ‘disagreement’ to a few simple statements. I’m learning to obey but it is hard.
If truth be told, what is most hard for me is using the toilet when I am free. I have been told to sit when using the bathroom and when the cage is on, well that is my only option. When out of the cage (and she’s permitted me out quite a bit lately) I stand lots. Sometimes I consider what she wants and usually blow it off in lieu of standing. She’s said things once or twice – questioning me. I respond honestly but nothing is done other than a mild reprimand. It’s hard for me to obey in this area. I don’t know why but to disobey seems ok. What’s the big deal? Why should she care? What does it matter in the scope of things?
I know the answers to those questions of course but when the door is shut and I’m alone, the greater implications of me standing rather than sitting seem trite and so I stand much too often.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I’ve had these thoughts going round and round in my mind for the past week. Is dominance and control one and the same? I mean if Katie makes most all of the decisions that is control. She dictates many things in my/our life – when we rise, when we go to bed and whether or not I am to be locked for the day. She tells me when we are to eat and expects me to make our meal. She gives me an allowance, tells me when we are going out to eat or if we will be meeting others. She continually makes a list of chores that I need to keep track of and complete. She makes me responsible for her calendar and alerting her when appointments arise. She controls the bedroom and pretty much does what she wants when she wants and is not hesitant to tell me what to do. OK, so she has control and I do what I am told. It’s life. It’s the way it is. It is what she expects It’s what I expect. It’s what we both want. It’s what I need – what I crave.
But does the fact that she has control make her dominant? I don’t think so. To be dominant means one is more powerful than the other and maybe by the implicitness of the control she has she is dominant. OK, in one respect maybe she is. Maybe they are one and the same. However, I believe to be dominant means there is another layer on top of the “I can do whatever I want and you will do whatever I tell you” way we live. I believe to be truly dominant necessitates Katie verbally reminding me that she owns me, that I am hers, that I am her sub. Furthermore I believe she should insist I refer to her with respect address her as Mistress. In other words I believe if Katie really embraces dominance that she is comfortable in being overt with her use of words reminding me she is; that she makes a conscious effort to remind me that I am her sub – that she uses that word – sub – that she tells me she owns me. It requires words – verbal statements, comments on both partners part but mostly by the Mistress.
I realize now this is exactly what got me all depressed when I said I wasn’t feeling it, in a previous post. I need to feel Katie’s dominance. Just doing chores doesn’t cut it for me when there is no verbal reinforcement as to why I am doing them. It’s not that she needs to remind me ten times a day but having something said once or twice would speak volumes. Just one or two sentences - is that so hard given the benefit it provides to both she and I?
We talked some last week, not lots, probably not enough, but some - after I told her I wasn’t feeling it. If there was one thing that stuck with me during our discussion was the comment, “I like you calling me Mistress.” She stated that when I purposely called her ‘wife’ on the phone a few times instead of my usual Mistress. I did it intentionally because I felt like she wasn’t acting like a mistress. I felt like she was simply being my wife. I did so because I felt ignored as her submissive – appreciated as her husband but ignored as her submissive. Does that make sense? I was going through all the motions of doing the chores and obeying but she hadn’t reminded me in days – weeks that she owned me. She hadn’t reminded me I WAS HER submissive. I was simply doing my jobs and not getting any dominant response from my Mistress. She was acting like my wife and simply glad to see things were getting done. Life sucked and I let her know I was feeling down because life sucked.
I didn’t feel submissive. I can’t make myself feel or be submissive. Only Katie’s can do that. That’s her responsibility and I need her to take that seriously. She needs to tell me, remind me, show me. As Mistress Grey stated: 95% of the responsibility to do that is on the Mistress. It’s Katie’s job to make the D/s relationship work, not mine. My job is to obey and do the grunt work of life, to be there when she needs me, to wait on her as she wants, to love and honor and show deference at all times. That’s my expectation but it’s on her to bring out the D/s in the relationship.
My wish is that she would be more verbal. She controls well. It’s a gentle control, one that often asks for my input but in the end we do what she wants or agrees to. She has become so comfortable in that respect and I love it – and love her for becoming that kind of woman. But something inside wants more. Kathy’s husband (femdom 101) commented recently that he is happiest when his wife actively controls him. Bingo. He hit the nail on the head. It’s being actively controlled. His wife intentionally controls him; intentionally reminds him; intentionally treats him as her submissive; uses words that conveys her dominance and his submission to her. Oh I wish for that.
OK, enough rambling for now. So, what say you? Is control synonymous with dominance or is there a difference? Am I being petty at wanting more? Should I just shut up and be thankful for all she has done at taking control of me as much as she has and leave it at that?
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Brad made a comment and brought up the topic of submission, service to my wife and how that meshes with ones' faith. I really appreciated the comment. I don't agree with all of it and what parts I agree and disagree are secondary - at least for now. I thought the comment and the response by teddy worthy enough for all to see and to think about. I know that not all who read here has a belief in God but for those that do, where do you stand on this matter? Where does your allegiance lie? Can one submit to a woman and still follow God? Does service to a woman equate with service to God - as teddy noted? ("For as much as you do this to the least of these, you do it to me." That's what Jesus said.). I'll let you read the two comments and respond as you see fit. Thanks to both of you for sharing from your heart. Personally I needed to hear all the two of you had o say so thanks to both of you.
Comment from Brad:
Comment from Brad:
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
In a recent post I made mention of a few instances where I did not obeyed Katie. Although my acts of disobedience (for example, standing when using the toilet) were intentional it wasn't like I was trying to usurp her power as my mistress. I disobeyed because I wasn't feeling very submissive.
However, I am a submissive man. I am a man who is owned. I will forever belong to Katie. I will never have the freedoms that she enjoys. I understand all that and it is something we both desire to never change.
I spent time, a lot of time, on the road this past week, logging over 1500 miles. I've had a lot of time to think. I've been away from Katie quite a bit and I can't remember the last time that I've been locked in my cage - locked in chastity. It's probably been two or three weeks now. It's not that being locked is of significance in itself but being unlocked for this length of time sure has changed my attitude and way of thinking about submission. Last night I was getting ready for bed and a little light of understanding came on. I realize now why I am feeling the things I am. I feel normal. I feel like a normal man. I don't feel submissive. I feel free. I feel independent. I don't like feeling this way. Something feels out of sorts.
At one level I know I am Katie's and belong to her. I understand that but to be honest I surely don't feel her control. I feel like a puppy dog who has broken free of the leash that keeps it chained and limits how far it can venture from its house. It's an odd feeling. I don't like this feeling. Something feels wrong. Something is wrong.
I know when I get home tonight that I will have things to do. The same chores that I had before I left will be waiting for me. The same woman that I served before will expect to be served as soon as I walk in the door. But doing chores doesn't make me submissive. Submissiveness is much more of a mental thing than it is a doing thing. Katie is the only one that can make me feel submissive and right now I don't feel submissive.
Yet at another level I feel like what I will be doing when I return will be just that-chores. Work. I feel like I will be going through the motions doing the same things that I've always been doing. What I don't feel now and what I conveyed to Katie today on the phone is that I don't feel owned. I don't feel her control and I miss that. I really really miss that. Reestablishing that emotional connection, that submissive/dominant bond , is so important. For me it takes more than just me getting up tomorrow morning and cooking her breakfast or making the bed or tidying the bedroom.
I have missed for some time feeling and knowing and being told that I am her sub; that I am not her equal; that I am owned; that my life is more than doing stuff for her and really about doing stuff for her from the understanding that I have no choice-that I really am the lesser of the two of us. It's been a long time since Katie has told me that I am her submissive and that I have no choice but to obey and do as I am told.
I still don't know if Katie really gets that. Too often I feel she is satisfied by knowing I love her and am here to take care of her. That is true. I do love her and I do take care of her. She does make decisions; she does lead. What she rarely does is remind me that I am her submissive. She doesn't talk down to me and I wish she would even if it was in half truths/half play.
Last week I was lying in bed and aching to feel her control sexually. Katie had just gotten up. I asked her to climb back on the bed. When she did I asked her to sit astride my torso. I then pulled her up so she sat on my chest, her body just inches from my face. I explained that when I picture feeling dominated this is what I picture- me on the bottom and her hovering over me about to enjoy my services as one who is about to be pleased. She listened but immediately climbed off and headed into the other room. It wasn't what I hope for. I wish she could have stayed and enjoyed being there but for some reason she didn't.
For her to do take five or 10 minutes to enjoy me and then tell me that I’m pleasing her because she owns me is more than welcomed. Even if she straddled my face not to be pleasured sexually but just to tempt me would be wonderful. I ache to see that side of Katie. I ache to feel her power. And right now, I don't.