Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Dominance vs. Control

I’ve had these thoughts going round and round in my mind for the past week. Is dominance and control one and the same? I mean if Katie makes most all of the decisions that is control. She dictates many things in my/our life – when we rise, when we go to bed and whether or not I am to be locked for the day. She tells me when we are to eat and expects me to make our meal. She gives me an allowance, tells me when we are going out to eat or if we will be meeting others. She continually makes a list of chores that I need to keep track of and complete. She makes me responsible for her calendar and alerting her when appointments arise. She controls the bedroom and pretty much does what she wants when she wants and is not hesitant to tell me what to do. OK, so she has control and I do what I am told. It’s life. It’s the way it is. It is what she expects It’s what I expect. It’s what we both want. It’s what I need – what I crave.
 
But does the fact that she has control make her dominant? I don’t think so.  To be dominant means one is more powerful than the other and maybe by the implicitness of the control she has she is dominant. OK, in one respect maybe she is. Maybe they are one and the same. However, I believe to be dominant means there is another layer on top of the “I can do whatever I want and you will do whatever I tell you” way we live.  I believe to be truly dominant necessitates Katie verbally reminding me that she owns me, that I am hers, that I am her sub. Furthermore I believe she should insist I refer to her with respect address her as Mistress. In other words I believe if Katie really embraces dominance that she is comfortable in being overt with her use of words reminding me she is; that she makes a conscious effort to remind me that I am her sub – that she uses that word – sub – that she tells me she owns me. It requires words – verbal statements, comments on both partners part but mostly by the Mistress. 
 
I realize now this is exactly what got me all depressed when I said I wasn’t feeling it, in a previous post. I need to feel Katie’s dominance. Just doing chores doesn’t cut it for me when there is no verbal reinforcement as to why I am doing them. It’s not that she needs to remind me ten times a day but having something said once or twice would speak volumes. Just one or two sentences - is that so hard given the benefit it provides to both she and I?
 
We talked some last week, not lots, probably not enough, but some - after I told her I wasn’t feeling it. If there was one thing that stuck with me during our discussion was the comment, “I like you calling me Mistress.” She stated that when I purposely called her ‘wife’ on the phone a few times instead of my usual Mistress.  I did it intentionally because I felt like she wasn’t acting like a mistress. I felt like she was simply being my wife. I did so because I felt ignored as her submissive – appreciated as her husband but ignored as her submissive. Does that make sense? I was going through all the motions of doing the chores and obeying but she hadn’t reminded me in days – weeks that she owned me. She hadn’t reminded me I WAS HER submissive. I was simply doing my jobs and not getting any dominant response from my Mistress. She was acting like my wife and simply glad to see things were getting done. Life sucked and I let her know I was feeling down because life sucked.
 
I didn’t feel submissive. I can’t make myself feel or be submissive. Only Katie’s can do that. That’s her responsibility and I need her to take that seriously. She needs to tell me, remind me, show me.  As Mistress Grey stated: 95% of the responsibility to do that is on the Mistress. It’s Katie’s job to make the D/s relationship work, not mine. My job is to obey and do the grunt work of life, to be there when she needs me, to wait on her as she wants, to love and honor and show deference at all times. That’s my expectation but it’s on her to bring out the D/s in the relationship.
 
My wish is that she would be more verbal. She controls well. It’s a gentle control, one that often asks for my input but in the end we do what she wants or agrees to. She has become so comfortable in that respect and I love it – and love her for becoming that kind of woman. But something inside wants more. Kathy’s husband (femdom 101) commented recently that he is happiest when his wife actively controls him. Bingo. He hit the nail on the head. It’s being actively controlled. His wife intentionally controls him; intentionally reminds him; intentionally treats him as her submissive; uses words that conveys her dominance and his submission to her. Oh I wish for that. 
 
OK, enough rambling for now. So, what say you? Is control synonymous with dominance or is there a difference? Am I being petty at wanting more? Should I just shut up and be thankful for all she has done at taking control of me as much as she has and leave it at that?
 
I’m Hers

31 comments:

  1. We all have needs my friend, and submissive husbands are no exception. I can totally relate to what you are saying and have felt the same way that you do/have recently. When that happens to me, I try my best to check myself and to be as sure as I can that my the way I'm feeling isn't some kind of precursor to justifying in my mind that I can top from the bottom. Early on in my FLM with mistress K., topping from the bottom was a problem. In fact it very nearly ended our FLM dynamic because it left mistress feeling like she had two choices ... do it the way I was suggesting, which was causing her stress, or simply find comfort in the fact that it is my responsibility to know the difference between effective communication with her about what I was feeling, and topping from the bottom. During that discussion, Mistress did acknowledge that she did indeed have the primary responsibility of continuously demonstrating directly to me that I was indeed her owned submissive. She doesn't always execute perfectly on that (she's a busy woman) but she does always come around when I am able to communicate with her my needs as her owned submissive.

    It's a delicate balance to be sure. In the end we are both acutely aware that the end goal is for her life to be easier and pleasurable because I am her owned submissive. It is my responsibility to serve and service her in a way that befits a Dominant Queen and it is her responsibility to lead effectively in that regard in order to continuously nurture my desire to submit to her. We have occasional "meetings" wherein we go to dinner without the kids and discuss these things. Coincidently enough we are going to have one of those dinners this evening. I always look forward to having those conversations. You mentioned once that you sometimes find it easier to put your thoughts in an email rather than try and stumble through an awkward conversation. I'm like that too but do find that each time we speak, it does get easier.

    Ron White is a comedian. In his act he has a line that I believe applies to many aspects of relationships between men and women, including the beautiful kind of relationship you and I are lucky enough to live in every day. He said ... "I'm a good dog, but if you don't me once in a while, it's hard to keep me under the porch". As it relates to the topic at hand, the "petting" has everything to do with our respective Mistresses demonstrating their dominance over us and not just their control. To quote another fine comedian .... "It's just my opinion ... I could be wrong".

    I don't think you are being petty because how you feel affects you in a very profound way. You should be thankful for all that she has done, but I don't believe that you should just leave it at that. Growth in your relationship is what is required now, like it is at any given time, and like it is for every on of us.

    Have a great day my friend!

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    1. Thanks SHIP for writing and expressing your thoughts so clearly. I think when I read other blogs it is easy for me to see certain things that 'they' have that I don't, and then wish I had 'those' things. Katie being more verbal is one such wish and maybe she will be that person in time. One can only hope. I guess continued discussions as situations present themselves and her having time to sit and introspect is what she needs. Me on the other hand, need to sit tight and not try to make her change. That is tough sometimes and yet I know it is the only way this kind of relationship will work in a healthy way.
      Take care of your Mistress!

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  2. I don't think you're being petty at all. You're being honest and open about your emotional needs - that's never petty.

    As for the question of are control and dominance the same thing.....I don't know. I think they are pretty close. A Mistress can't be dominant unless she has control, and she can't have control unless the one she's controlling sees, understands, and recognizes her dominance over him. If she wasn't dominant over him, he wouldn't allow her to control his world. .. or would he? Something for me to think about.

    But either way, you're talking about your feelings, and your emotional needs, and that is always a good thing.

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    1. Thanks Angelique for sharing thoughts from a female perspective. I don't know if you would agree but I see you as being quite dominant - very verbal, very playful sexually, very up front and in the open with your thoughts. You, to me, seem like the prototype dominant woman whereas Katie is more reserved, more lay back and quieter in her dealings with me. I appreciate you thoughts and it's good to hear the thoughts of others - specifically that dominance and control probably go hand in hand.
      Thanks again!

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  3. Hi I'm Hers,

    Another thought provoking post, thank you.

    Any boy who is as lucky as you and I to be in a relationship with a Woman who is willing to lead and be the Boss; could be regarded as ungrateful if they want more. However I fully understand your desire, we all have a mental image in our heads of exactly what we want, as a sub our need is possible clearer to us than most.

    I think it is great you have talked, that's always a very hard thing for a boy to do. I hope your loved one can find it in Her to do the things you crave.

    In regards to Dominance and Control I don't think you can have Control without some form of Dominance, mental Dominance anyway. My Mistress certainally has Mental Dominance over me. Physical Dominance would not be possible, simply put; I have larger muscles than She has, ergo I could pick Her up and carry Her outside if I wanted. Of course I cannot because She has Mental Dominance over me, the same way your good Lady seems to have over you.

    I, like you have a set list of chores to do, they are rarely inspected or mentioned, I'm just expected to get them done, no messing or fuss. I personally wish they were checked and punishments awarded if deemed appropriate.

    The other day I served Mistress a drink, I was busy thinking of other thinks as I delivered the beverage, I turned to leave only to be harshly called to account, I'd forgotten to curtsey. I was simply told to curtsey and on doing so received a nod and 'That look'. You know the look that simply puts me in my place as Her submissive.

    No physical contact, no threats, no punishment; just pure simple Control and Dominance!
    m

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    1. m
      I always love your perspective. I do because you've lived with Mistress S in a WLM for so long. Because of that I look to you and others like you for insight and comfort. Your words are comforting. I need to remember that I have 'so much' if for no other reason that I have a wife that loves me and enjoys taking charge of us - even if she doesn't verbalize as much as l would like. Everyone is different and although I am not required to curtsey I probably have other requirements that differ from yours. Thanks again! (PS... sure do miss you sending me 'those' emails every few days - if you know what I mean :)

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  4. Since I've been on both sides of the dominant/submissive relationship, my perspective may be a bit different. When I was a lifestyle dominant (24/7 relationship), it became very clear that just being the "boss" and managing the relationship was not providing enough of the Master dynamic for her. Like you, she didn't feel dominated when I simply gave her tasks to execute. She wanted me to inspect the work and comment on it. This became tedious for me. The simple fact for me was that in a 24/7 relationship, there are just so many real-life things to do that adding the micromanagement needed to fulfill her need for "supervision" became seriously oppressive.

    How you interpret her control as being dominance of not has much more to do with your expectations than her actual behavior. After all, isn't obeying her, submission? Do you feel you have the right to refuse her? Do you feel she owns you?

    In our relationship, I am very careful to remember that my submission is a state of my mind, and (most importantly) her acceptance of my submission. My wife isn't required to demonstrate dominance in any particular way. She knows that by making and enforcing rules via domestic discipline, it provides me with the comfort of submission. So, to help her not get too caught up in my needs, we have two punishment days a week. My job is to track my offenses (you can see them on the right column of my blog) and remind her of punishment days as well as list what I need corrected. She has kindly agreed to punish me as required.

    My point is that the more you demand certain behavior on her part in order for you to feel submissive, the more control you are exerting over her, rather than her over you. I think the key is to talk and agree on what she is willing to do to support your submissive needs. Negotiate something that works. It isn't going to be perfect, but it helped me when I was a master and seems to be working with me as a submissive too. I just have to manage my own expectations.

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    1. cagedlion, I think that most D/s relationships - at least the ones in which men/women publicly blog or comment on others blogs have in common is a discipline component. I don't have a discipline component. I have never been disciplined. I've been punished once - many years ago but never disciplined. I think that is a necessary part of taking control that Katie has not felt comfortable embracing. Like I posted - for her to be intentional - verbal - active - in leading/controlling is what I think I need to fill some part of me that she struggles with to some degree. For her to want to do something that would cause me pain or embarrassment is not something I see her doing. Something I wish she would do. But Iike so many have said - her dominance needs to be done her way and I need to be content to live within that framework.

      But I do share. I do speak my mind. I do suggest. And maybe - maybe things will change in time. Thanks for posting a thoughtful comment.

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  5. Topping from the bottom - The sub is in control - getting the dominant to act dominant.????

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    1. Yea, I know .... but I do have feelings. Thanks for the blunt honesty. I need it sometimes.

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  6. Could it be your relationship is in a rut? Kind of like eating steak every night? Steak tastes great, but eating it every day is too much. Something my wife and I do several times a month is to take a day out of our FLR and do something fun like we were dating. It doesn't have to be expensive. For instance, we might have a picnic and since we are "out of our FLR," she'll pack the picnic basket (because she's the girl) and I'll pick the location (because I'm the boy). One time we went fishing with "worms and cane poles." More than several times we've had so much fun that we stayed away from our FLR for weeks. But after a while, one of us will ask the other to go back into a FLR. One thing that we've found is important is that if you take a vacation from being in a FLR is that you don't discuss being in a FLR for at least 24 hours (of course the FLR vacation may only be a few hours). Two things that my wife and I have found critical is that if we are out of the FLR for more than two days, is that we talk about our FLR the evening before and go back into the FLR when we first wake up. The discussion is good to get our heads "back into the game" and we can make relationship changes as equals. Oh yes, I have found that my wife really likes "being the girl" as long as she knows that in several days, she'll be back to calling the shots. There are no rules, just "what works for you and your spouse."

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    1. Anonymous, I like your idea in principle but I don't know that it would work for us. If we took time off, Katie would have to make, or help make, meals. She might have to pick up her clothes or make the bed or do a load of wash, or empty the dishwasher. I don't think she'd want to do that and for that reason I don't think she'd go for it..... but I might ask her to think about it if I can approach it correctly. The flip side of that is I don't know how much I'd want to NOT be her sub. I love being her submissive. It's who I am and where I want to be - beneath her. All I want is for her to intentionally keep me there - to keep me close to her - but just a little below her status.
      I like your idea. I'll give it some thought.

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  7. IH,
    I'm not sure you can separate dominance and control in the way it works for us in a flm. I do understand how you want more of a show of dominance from her. I, too, sometimes want my more of a show from my wife but, want it to be a genuine show of dominance. If I tell her how to express herself then it might not be genuine and only being done for my satisfaction. I think you would agree, that we want them to want to be dominant and that is what we want expressed, their true loving dominance. We want them to show us that they know that they are dominant. We have to be careful, for it is easy for us to miss their show of dominance, dominance their way. And isn't that what we are really looking for, dominance their way?
    You brought up a subject which I believe affects most submissives, myself included. Honest talk will always help.
    Wish you the best and remember that we are blessed to have the wives we do.

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    1. DLsKnight,
      You are so very right in what you've stated. I do want dominance to come from her heart. I want it to be hers but of course, I have wants too and that is where I am still learning to give up my ways, my thinking, and trust - trust her. That latter part is still hard for me to embrace at times. I don't feel that way any longer and am feeling quite content now. Maybe it was the ability to express my feelings here, as well as with Katie that helped. And having her call me "sub" twice today always scores points in my mind.

      I am indeed lucky to have her, as you are to have yours. Thanks DL'sKnight. Thanks.

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  8. I'm in the same boat as you, IH. Your Katie and my Donna seem to express their leadership the same way. Donna is fantastic at letting me know exactly what she wants and is very comfortable in directing me on how to meet her high standards, but has not yet developed a pattern of expressing that ownership and dominance that I crave. If more than 3 days pass without overt signs of dominance from Donna, I start to go down that rabbit hole.

    I like your conclusion to have "continued discussions as situations present themselves and her having time to sit and introspect is what she needs. Me on the other hand, need to sit tight and not try to make her change."

    I love this part by Caged Lion: I think the key is to talk and agree on what she is willing to do to support your submissive needs. Negotiate something that works."

    That sounds like a good approach to find something that is on her terms. We need to manage our expectations, but also communicate to our wives that sometimes we feel we are heading off a cliff, and hopefully there is a happy solution in which we feel owned by our beautiful Mistresses without placing a burden in them.

    Best regards, and remember to have fun cherishing your Mistress. Bring the joy to her, my friend!

    Warm regards,

    Scott

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    1. Scott, I see a common theme as I respond to comments made - that wives don't think about the control they have, that they don't verbalize to their husbands that they are in control/that they own their husband/that he is hers, etc.

      Maybe it's a woman thing :). Maybe us men are all insecure and need that reassurance. Who in the heck knows why we are the way we are.

      Yes, I agree and know deep down that communication is the key but it's a fine line, even with that, because I don't want to be the one initiating all communication. I want it to come from her as the head of the home and not from her underling. Make sense?

      Thanks again for taking the time to give me some perspective from a wise ole owl.

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    2. Thank you kindly for replying, IH. It’s very cool how you put effort into replying to the commenters on your blog and make people feel very welcome.

      With the love, kindness and intimacy that you and Katie share, are you ever able to romance or coax little bits of dominance from her? I don’t like initiating all the conversations with Donna about our relationship either, so I’ve been able to get little nuggets of dominance from my sweet Mistress with little statements of love and value. In addition to the household and personal service to Donna, I’ll make little comments like the following:

      You deserve to be treated like a Queen.
      Thank you for allowing me to do your laundry.
      You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
      I am committed to serving you because you are worthy.
      Thank you for having high expectations of me, Mistress.
      My heart stops when you step into the room.
      You are indeed a beautiful Goddess and I love you very much!
      Thank you for taking the time to tell me exactly how you like things because you deserve excellence.
      You are superior and deserve my love, my devotion and my servitude.
      I love it when you provide the direction and guidance that I need!
      You are the sexiest woman on the planet!
      I forgot my place earlier when I disagreed with you.
      May I kiss your hand?
      You are a very wise woman, and I love having you as my beautiful Mistress.
      I cherish and adore you, and I appreciate your leadership!

      Those are all genuine and heartfelt comments, so I can get behind them when I say em’. Donna is really warming up to that kind of talk, and starting to respond with, “Yes, I know”, or “And don’t you forget it!” or maybe just a nod, but those little affirmations from her go a long way. They can’t be mere words of course, and I’ve got to deliver the household and personal service that she deserves, but the more I treat her like a Queen, the more she treats me like a knight or a servant.

      Donna doesn’t spank me, and hasn’t adopted the habit of making wear panties (the three pair she gave me don’t make it out of dresser drawer very often), but is doing more of the little things on a daily basis to keep me fueled. I’ll ask her, “May I kiss your hand?” and she’ll either hold it out to me very regally for a kiss, or tell me no, or respond with, “No, but you can kiss the dog.” No matter what, I get an opportunity for affection, or an explicit denial, or a direct command. Sometimes I’ll get a little slap or a pinch from her. So there are little things I can do to romance and coax the Dominance out of my beautiful Mistress, and they are on her terms. Add to this some heart-to-heart conversations, a little begging and remembering to put her first, and the sweet journey continues.

      Take care my friend!

      Scott

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  9. Hi I'm Hers,

    Thanks for your kind comment, I feel like the old man of the sea, lol.

    I've just posted chapter 3, I know you have already seen it, there are a few changes however.

    Here's a naughty thought if your Mistress wanted you to Dom Her, would you, could you? Would that be true self sacrifice service to the one you love?

    Ok I don't really mean it, so don't call the men in the White coats just yet!

    Regards
    Mischievous m

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    1. m, I've have asked my wife numerous times if she ever wanted to switch - even for just a day - for just a few hours - and she looks at me with those eyes, and then smiles and then tells me, "never". There is no way she will ever give up her power. She knows I'd be too devious if she ever gave it to me. Thanks for making me smile Mischievous m

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  10. I can only speak for our relationship and I know that my wife is strong willed a natural leader but when she wakes up in the morning she never once thinks about it . But as submissive husbands I think we tend to think about being submissive than they do about being in control or dominant. I know myself I need reassurance from my wife sometimes. Hope this helps ...Take care.... RR

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    1. RR, I know what you mean. I don't think Katie gives it much thought either and me, well I'm like you, I think about being HER sub all day long. It's like I can't get it out of my head unless I am really preoccupied with something at work. But as soon as I have time to think I think about her, about her as my mistress and me has her sub.
      Thanks for sharing.

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  11. IH - you mentioned in a previous post that Katie must approve all your blog entries. How has she responded to this one as well as the one on Not Feeling It ? Seems that these would communicate to her your feelings and needs as a submissive man.
    thank you for sharing what I think many submissive men and their wives go through
    tom

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    1. Hi tom, you know, Katie did approve both posts and we did talk a little when I posted about not feeling it but she just told me this most recent post was 'approved' and that I could post it. Sometimes she will talk about what I've written but mostly she doesn't/won't, and so I let it be and use this as a way to both share our story and express some of the emotions I feel - both good and bad. Glad to hear you feel the same at times. Know you aren't alone :)

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  12. IH - I do know that when I get into these funks, what brings me out of it is the ultimate realization that my reason for being is to love, serve, and please Cathy. It has to always be about her, not me. Not always easy for sure. Sorry if this sounds preachy -- not trying to be.

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    1. Tom, I think what you are saying is spot on. Our life as submissive's has to always focus on our wives needs and desires while putting our own priorities second. I think what I found myself doing was getting those priorities reversed and that's what put me into the funk I found myself. I didn't find your comment preachy whatsoever.

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  13. Hi IH, Thanks for another great posting. We hear all the time about folks talking the talk, but not walking the walk. This situation of which you post seems the exact opposite. Mrs Katie is walking the walk, but not talking the talk(at least enough for you). I know several times that I have queried my spouse about what she wants me to do in regards to wearing my CD, and she will say that I know exactly how she feels and what she wants. I guess I just need to hear her say it sometimes and you must feel the same. Seems you hear all the time about women talking and talking about their feelings, but dominant women don't seem to be like that so much. My spouse doesn't talk about her feelings regarding our D/s relationship very much, but she freely discusses her feelings regarding relations with our kids and her friends. Go figure!?

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  14. Hi I'm Hers,
    I hope your blues are fading (I do feel you have been having the blues) your not alone, at times we all struggle with our submission, that's when our Mistress needs to step up to the mark, a look, a pat, a kiss can be all we need.

    Oh did you get chapter 6 from me?
    Regards
    m

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  15. "Is control synonymous with dominance or is there a difference?"

    Hello,
    I was not sure I could add much to the conversation, as very often things can seem normal in our relationship, and at certain times almost equal, but something happened that helped to clarify your control and dominance question to me. For a number of years I've gone on a camping trip with 3 friends. My wife approved as she felt I needed a change, and she visited with her daughter when I was away. The last two years I returned home sick: one year with a cold and minor rash on my ankles, the other with a bronchial infection that came up. On Friday my friend called to discuss a camping date, and when I got home I asked my wife. She thought for a moment and said "No, no more camping trips. You've been getting sick, so forget it." "Yes Dear." As a submissive I was happy, even though my camping days are over. But, I was getting sick and I should be spending the time with my wife anyway. So to me, it means my wife is in control for those types of decisions, as she dominant.

    FL

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    1. Good move asking your wife FL, and even better move readily agreeing to drop out of those camping trips. There's value in those events with friends but a whole lot more value in obeying and investing time and energy into your beloved Mistress. That's a good example of dominance and loving obedience for the rest of us to learn from.

      Scott

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  16. I just spotted your comment. Thanks, Scott.
    It is for the best because I was getting sick as I wrote. I don't think I had much choice but to agree, although we did discuss it more later on. My wife is fairly lenient and liberal on many things, but here she was exercising good sense too. I'll still be able to see and do things with some close friends from time to time. FL

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  17. Dear Katie,

    I know you read your husband's blog, so I'm taking the liberty of addressing my comments to you directly. I do this because I understand 100% where he's coming from but I'm not so sure that you do.

    I don't fault you for not getting what makes a man want to submit to the woman he loves (hell, even WE don't understand it), but the desire to submit to our wife's is something we think about non-stop. But it's not as if we fantasize about the ACTIONS of doing the dishes or cooking, or cleaning. No, the thing that we crave is being TOLD to do those things by our mate. We don't necessarily WANT to obey, we want to feel as if we have NO CHOICE but to obey.

    It strikes me that you enjoy the perks that are derived from being the dominant party in the relationship, not dominance itself per se. And you know what? That's perfectly OK. After all, it wasn't you who dreamed about a female led relationship. I suspect that you took on this role because you realized that the benefits were enormous and far reaching.

    But you need to remember that as humans, we all have certain individual needs which must be fulfilled in order to make us feel whole. Your husband (who for goodness sake, really DOES need to adopt a pen name with this blog of his), needs for you to ASSERT your control over him in a more overt way. Believe me, he thinks about you doing this night and day. I'd be curious to know if you truly realize this fact.

    I'm sure you love him, and I'm sure you want to make him happy, so why not give him the thing he craves, when it takes so little on your part? Fill his cup with a teaspoon of dominance, and he'll fill yours with a gallon of devotion and service. But more than that, you'll be making him so happy and LOVED, that his affection and adoration will flow back to you 10 fold.

    Best,

    Jake

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