This blog is about my service-submission to Katie. When we married I promised to obey, submit, adore and love. Obedience required me to give control of sex, money, time, and decision-making to Katie. That choice has deepened our relationship, increased our openness and brought the two of us so very close. Submission to Katie requires effort but it also focuses my energy and mind completely on her. I hope the thoughts here help you to consider a FLR. It may be the best choice you've ever made.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Dominance vs. Control
I’ve had these thoughts going round and round in my mind for the past week. Is dominance and control one and the same? I mean if Katie makes most all of the decisions that is control. She dictates many things in my/our life – when we rise, when we go to bed and whether or not I am to be locked for the day. She tells me when we are to eat and expects me to make our meal. She gives me an allowance, tells me when we are going out to eat or if we will be meeting others. She continually makes a list of chores that I need to keep track of and complete. She makes me responsible for her calendar and alerting her when appointments arise. She controls the bedroom and pretty much does what she wants when she wants and is not hesitant to tell me what to do. OK, so she has control and I do what I am told. It’s life. It’s the way it is. It is what she expects It’s what I expect. It’s what we both want. It’s what I need – what I crave.
But does the fact that she has control make her dominant? I don’t think so. To be dominant means one is more powerful than the other and maybe by the implicitness of the control she has she is dominant. OK, in one respect maybe she is. Maybe they are one and the same. However, I believe to be dominant means there is another layer on top of the “I can do whatever I want and you will do whatever I tell you” way we live. I believe to be truly dominant necessitates Katie verbally reminding me that she owns me, that I am hers, that I am her sub. Furthermore I believe she should insist I refer to her with respect address her as Mistress. In other words I believe if Katie really embraces dominance that she is comfortable in being overt with her use of words reminding me she is; that she makes a conscious effort to remind me that I am her sub – that she uses that word – sub – that she tells me she owns me. It requires words – verbal statements, comments on both partners part but mostly by the Mistress.
I realize now this is exactly what got me all depressed when I said I wasn’t feeling it, in a previous post. I need to feel Katie’s dominance. Just doing chores doesn’t cut it for me when there is no verbal reinforcement as to why I am doing them. It’s not that she needs to remind me ten times a day but having something said once or twice would speak volumes. Just one or two sentences - is that so hard given the benefit it provides to both she and I?
We talked some last week, not lots, probably not enough, but some - after I told her I wasn’t feeling it. If there was one thing that stuck with me during our discussion was the comment, “I like you calling me Mistress.” She stated that when I purposely called her ‘wife’ on the phone a few times instead of my usual Mistress. I did it intentionally because I felt like she wasn’t acting like a mistress. I felt like she was simply being my wife. I did so because I felt ignored as her submissive – appreciated as her husband but ignored as her submissive. Does that make sense? I was going through all the motions of doing the chores and obeying but she hadn’t reminded me in days – weeks that she owned me. She hadn’t reminded me I WAS HER submissive. I was simply doing my jobs and not getting any dominant response from my Mistress. She was acting like my wife and simply glad to see things were getting done. Life sucked and I let her know I was feeling down because life sucked.
I didn’t feel submissive. I can’t make myself feel or be submissive. Only Katie’s can do that. That’s her responsibility and I need her to take that seriously. She needs to tell me, remind me, show me. As Mistress Grey stated: 95% of the responsibility to do that is on the Mistress. It’s Katie’s job to make the D/s relationship work, not mine. My job is to obey and do the grunt work of life, to be there when she needs me, to wait on her as she wants, to love and honor and show deference at all times. That’s my expectation but it’s on her to bring out the D/s in the relationship.
My wish is that she would be more verbal. She controls well. It’s a gentle control, one that often asks for my input but in the end we do what she wants or agrees to. She has become so comfortable in that respect and I love it – and love her for becoming that kind of woman. But something inside wants more. Kathy’s husband (femdom 101) commented recently that he is happiest when his wife actively controls him. Bingo. He hit the nail on the head. It’s being actively controlled. His wife intentionally controls him; intentionally reminds him; intentionally treats him as her submissive; uses words that conveys her dominance and his submission to her. Oh I wish for that.
OK, enough rambling for now. So, what say you? Is control synonymous with dominance or is there a difference? Am I being petty at wanting more? Should I just shut up and be thankful for all she has done at taking control of me as much as she has and leave it at that?