Tuesday, April 21, 2015
It’s Still Hard to Obey
I was going to see my kids for the weekend and Katie told me to unlock the day before. I asked the morning of my departure, “Will you be locking me for the weekend?”
“Why not?” I asked surprised.
“Because I don’t want others possibly taking notice that you wear a steel cage.”
That conversation came on the heels of posts by Rhiannon and Cathy about consistency and the need to make decisions – even if they weren’t the best ones. Katie and I had talked about those posts and when she told me I’d be free for the weekend, I mentioned those posts and our past brief conversation on the matter. Part – a good part – of me wanted to be locked. Being kept in chastity has become my norm. It is a safe and secure feeling. I know I am kept and love feeling her ever-present control down below. But I left for the weekend a free man and returned the same. I didn’t get my way.
I really wanted to make a big garden salad as I was craving all the good fresh vegetables I’d put in it and so I asked: “May I go out and pick up food for myself to make lunch?”
“No, just get something on your way. It will be easier.”
I nodded in understanding and said no more. It wasn’t what I wanted or would have done had the choice been mine. But the choice wasn’t mine. I had no money in my wallet, my debit card has minimal cash in it and I don’t use it unless I ask first and she usually gives me a debit card to shop at this particular store since they don’t take credit. I was completely at her mercy and her decision was final.
Soon I would be traveling t visit family but Katie had committed to help her company with a special project that would span several days. Selfishly I wanted her to be free over the weekend so she could travel with me but her employer hadn’t sent out the work schedule. I had probed previously, asking Katie to see if she might request weekday work only but she simply responded with an “I can help you whenever” email. As time neared and she still didn’t know her schedule I felt as if they were being irresponsible and inconsiderate and so I told her,
“It drives me nuts that they don’t tell you when you need to work. Why don’t you tell them you can’t work the weekend?”
She ended up not doing anything. She received her work-schedule a day or so later and she did have to work one day of the weekend which didn’t allow her to travel. I was upset but again kept it to myself. Nothing was going to change and Katie chose to do what she wanted – not what I wanted.
I don’t know about ya’ll but for me, obedience still comes at a cost – the cost being a reduction of my ego and selfish ‘why don’t you do it my way’ thoughts. It’s tough being a submissive. It’s hard when you see things working out in one way and your Mistress makes a decision that blows the plan out of the water. Yes, I want to obey. Yes, I see the value of obedience. Yes, I do trust her. But… but… but…. I sometimes what it my way!
In hindsight each of the above three incidences were insignificant. In the scope of life they didn’t matter. None of those altered my feelings for her and all are now in the past. What I learned from those is my vulnerability to her will. I learned that I really do need to obey. I tried to keep my feelings to myself and limiting my ‘disagreement’ to a few simple statements. I’m learning to obey but it is hard.
If truth be told, what is most hard for me is using the toilet when I am free. I have been told to sit when using the bathroom and when the cage is on, well that is my only option. When out of the cage (and she’s permitted me out quite a bit lately) I stand lots. Sometimes I consider what she wants and usually blow it off in lieu of standing. She’s said things once or twice – questioning me. I respond honestly but nothing is done other than a mild reprimand. It’s hard for me to obey in this area. I don’t know why but to disobey seems ok. What’s the big deal? Why should she care? What does it matter in the scope of things?
I know the answers to those questions of course but when the door is shut and I’m alone, the greater implications of me standing rather than sitting seem trite and so I stand much too often.