Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Just not feeling it

In a recent post I made mention of a few instances where I did not obeyed Katie. Although my acts of disobedience (for example, standing when using the toilet) were intentional it wasn't like I was trying to usurp her power as my mistress. I disobeyed because I wasn't feeling very submissive.
However, I am a submissive man. I am a man who is owned. I will forever belong to Katie. I will never have the freedoms that she enjoys. I understand all that and it is something we both desire to never change.

I spent time, a lot of time, on the road this past week, logging over 1500 miles. I've had a lot of time to think. I've been away from Katie quite a bit and I can't remember the last time that I've been locked in my cage - locked in chastity. It's probably been two or three weeks now. It's not that being locked is of significance in itself but being unlocked for this length of time sure has changed my attitude and way of thinking about submission.  Last night I was getting ready for bed and a little light of understanding came on. I realize now why I am feeling the things I am. I feel normal. I feel like a normal man. I don't feel submissive. I feel free. I feel independent. I don't like feeling this way. Something feels out of sorts. 

At one level I know I am Katie's and belong to her. I understand that but to be honest I surely don't feel her control. I feel like a puppy dog who has broken free of the leash that keeps it chained and limits how far it can venture from its house.  It's an odd feeling. I don't like this feeling. Something feels wrong. Something is wrong.

I know when I get home tonight that I will have things to do. The same chores that I had before I left will be waiting for me. The same woman that I served before will expect to be served as soon as I walk in the door. But doing chores doesn't make me submissive. Submissiveness is much more of a mental thing than it is a doing thing. Katie is the only one that can make me feel submissive and right now I don't feel submissive.

Yet at another level I feel like what I will be doing when I return will be just that-chores. Work. I feel like I will be going through the motions doing the same things that I've always been doing. What I don't feel now and what I conveyed to Katie today on the phone is that I don't feel owned. I don't feel her control and I miss that. I really really miss that. Reestablishing that emotional connection, that submissive/dominant bond , is so important. For me it takes more than just me getting up tomorrow morning and cooking her breakfast or making the bed or tidying the bedroom.

I have missed for some time feeling and knowing and being told that I am her sub; that I am not her equal; that I am owned; that my life is more than doing stuff for her and really about doing stuff for her from the understanding that I have no choice-that I really am the lesser of the two of us. It's been a long time since Katie has told me that I am her submissive and that I have no choice but to obey and do as I am told.

I still don't know if Katie really gets that. Too often I feel she is satisfied by knowing I love her and am here to take care of her. That is true. I do love her and I do take care of her. She does make decisions; she does lead. What she rarely does is remind me that I am her submissive. She doesn't talk down to me and I wish she would even if it was in half truths/half play.

Last week I was lying in bed and aching to feel her control sexually. Katie had just gotten up. I asked her to climb back on the bed. When she did I asked her to sit astride my torso. I then pulled her up so she sat on my chest, her body just inches from my face. I explained that when I picture feeling dominated this is what I picture- me on the bottom and her hovering over me about to enjoy my services as one who is about to be pleased. She listened but immediately climbed off and headed into the other room. It wasn't what I hope for. I wish she could have stayed  and enjoyed being there but for some reason she didn't.

For her to do take five or 10 minutes to enjoy me and then tell me that I’m pleasing her because she owns me is more than welcomed. Even if she straddled my face not to be pleasured sexually but just to tempt me would be wonderful. I ache to see that side of Katie. I ache to feel her power. And right now, I don't.



I'm Hers

38 comments:

  1. IH, found your blog recently while investigating FLRs. Definitely some benefits in my opinion, and you have made many good points.

    This post may be as simple as a phase one or both of you are going thru. But if it's more, as a fellow brother in Christ I might caution you to watch out for something.

    You have tirelessly served Katie as your wife, and for that you should be commended. But if she is the center of your world, that will only end up disappointing both you and Katie. Only Jesus is worthy of that role, and only he can carry that weight.

    It's not wrong for you to enjoy serving Katie, and for her to appreciate it. But your wife being worshipped is in neither of your best interests long term.

    I hope to enjoy many more years with my wife, and I wish the same for you. But my reality, and yours, is there will be a day when one of you is gone. Jesus will always be there for who remains, especially when they are all alone. That's why only he is worthy of worship.

    God bless you both

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    1. Anonymous, Thanks for sharing. I don't mind your honesty at all and in fact welcome it. Katie will never supplant my relationship with God and she and I both know that. We live as we do as a way to cultivate and maintain intimacy and to keep order and efficiency in our lives and home. In no way do we feel as if we are an island - not in need of help and guidance and care from a higher source. We both keep our faith and our relationship in balance - as best we are able.

      thanks again for taking the time to encourage and give me a different perspective. on things.

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  3. This post is one of your most honest and insightful. Reflecting on it, I realize a huge challenge we true "relationship submissives" (to coin a term) face is that we can be forever needy and insecure... we need rather continual affirmation that these deep, raw emotions we feel are reciprocated. In fact, the stimulus we need in order to feel these emotions we so crave comes not from within ourselves, but from our partner. That places a demand on them for continuous emotional engagement that's just very difficult to sustain in the best of relationships. I guess I have to admit that "normal" relationships allow for each partner to have confidence in the relationship that sustains when the emotional level is on the ebb for a while. I don't have an answer, other than perhaps help you with the self-awareness to see these forces from outside yourself. I know and feel your pain.

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    1. subguyinAtl, I know deep down that I am insecure. I just am. That trait doesn't show itself often and maybe it's that trait that makes me want to please and dote - to stay close to her in order to get her affirmation and attention. D/s is not about doing chores. I know that is a practical extension of my submission but D/s is about the mind connection that exists between the husband and wife.
      I don't feel this way now but at the time of the writing of this post I did feel quite bummed.

      Thanks for taking the time to express your thoughts.

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  4. What a fantastic post, thank you for sharing your feelings. I often write about this from the dominant female side so it's nice to see this.

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    1. Lady M, Thanks for the comment. I wrote this about a month ago and at the time it was how I felt - just kind of going through the emotions of my 'job' and responsibilities but not feeling her power. I know it was a phase but I wanted to verbalize how I felt. Thanks again for sharing

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  5. Think logically. In a Female Led Relationship, by definition, who is 95% responsible for keeping the dynamic going forward? The female, of course. And if said female is not doing her part then what is happening to you will inevitably keep happening. You'd best do some serious communicating before this gets out of hand. If she's lost the flavor of being the dominant part of this relationship, it's best that you both do some verbal soul searching and attempt to straighten out the situation. A submissive can't be expected to retain his submission in a vacuum. I wish you luck.

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    1. Lady Grey, I do appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns. I value your opinion. You are one of the women whom I really respect and listen to both when you write on your blog and comment on posts.

      Katie and I will talk. Probably won't be until sometime this weekend but we will talk. Hopefully we will get things sorted out and get everything back on the right track where things need to be. Thank you! I mean that. Have a great week.

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  6. I wish my knight expressed himself half as well as you do. You're willing and able to tell your Mistress exactly what you need, and what you need to feel from your D/s relationship. In order for flr to work for me, I need to see, feel and know that my knight appreciates and loves my efforts at dominance. Most of the time he treats it as nothing more than an organizational method - a way to keep him and our family on track. He recognizes that I am "in charge" of everything, and that all decisions are mine. He tells me he does not want the flr to go away, but won't admit that there is an emotional connection there that is important. I need him to be open an honest about his needs and the emotional charge he obviously gets from our flr.

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    1. Angelique, I find that it is easier for me to share my thoughts when I write than when I speak directly to Katie. I struggle with being open and honest with her because I feel as if it's not my role nor my right to complain. I promised her that I would obey and serve her and I fully intend to do that. I struggle because I know that our relationship may not go as I envision it and I need to learn to except that rather then pout as I am doing now. I am frustrated but I am also grumpy and I think my grumpiness is my way of pouting- something I do when I feel insecure.
      Thanks for sharing. I, like your husband struggle with our D/s relationships at times. I hope he learns to open up to you and I hope I learn to accept my life as Katie wants it to be.

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  7. Hi I'm Hers,

    Good blog,

    I guess we all feel like you do at times, you already know the answers deep down, it's having the strength to ask the questions.

    The only thing that you may wish to consider is that maybe, just maybe she has had had other things on her mind and wasn't able to focus on you at that time.

    Me like you I suspect play with a lot of submission in our heads that our other half never sees or suspects, how can they?

    Perceived rejection is hard, for example the other night I was well up for a play, Mistress it turns out wasn't, so we didn't play. She was tied and just wanted to cozy on down in front of the Wood Burner.

    I know we will play again, soon I hope, but the rejection hurts a little. All rejection does, it's the nature of things.

    I hope all will be well for you.

    m
    p s I have sent you a couple of private emails, did you get them?

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    1. m, yes I did get your emails and forwarded one of those on to another person as you requested. As to what you had to say, I think you understand me well. My frustration has to do with feeling rejected or maybe feeling unappreciated. I don't know what the right word is but it seems to be one of those. I think also I spend so much more time thinking about my life as her submissive then she ever gives thought to her role as a dominant. I think she just knows she is and goes on with life not giving it much thought. Me, I think about submission all the time and can never get it off my mind-never. It's that important to me and who I am is a part of almost everything I do both at home and at work. I don't know if Katie nor your Mistress think about how their dominance affects everything they do throughout their days.
      Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for sharing. You hit the nail on the head and I appreciate hearing all you had to say.

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  8. Hello my brother,

    I'm right there with some times. It's natural for all of us, even us truly in-love, devoted submissive husbands. I've often considered you to be the yardstick by which I measure other "real" FLM's because of your obvious, practicable approach to how it is that you serve your beloved wife Katie. That being said, we're human and as such we are allowed to feel less than perfect from time to time about the way things seem to be.

    "Knowing" you like I think I do, this will be a temporary and minor setback that will likely be quickly resolved once actual, loving communication between you and your Mistress Wife has taken place.

    Hang in there friend and keep fighting the good fight!

    Best,

    SHIP

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    1. SHIP, I sure hope this is a minor setback. I wonder if my ideals are set too high or if I think about things to critically sometimes. I might but if I do it's only because I care about our marriage and only want it to be the best we can make it.
      Thanks for your support, comments that you've made as well as comments others have posted indeed are encouraging and I do appreciate the camaraderie we as submissive can share on line

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  9. IH,
    Another good post that reminds me just how human we are. Try as we might, we can not be the same all the time nor would it really be good. The times, though they are few and far between, that I don't feel submissive to my wife make me want it and appreciate it all the more. Whether I feel neglected or just want to rebel a little because of some perceived slight, all of which is usually not real, I realize that this is what we both want. Her in charge, her way.

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    1. You made a comment in your remarks in which you said that when you don't feel submissive it makes you realize that you want it all the more. That is how I am feeling now. It's when I don't feel submissive that I ache to feel it again because I miss it so much. It's like a part of me is being torn off and I want to somehow bring things all back into place where they belong. I need to feel my Katie's dominant hand of love ruling over me. It's a need that I have, I need I must have. Thanks for sharing. You've made me think and understand a bit more what it is that I'm struggling with.

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  10. You did a nice job of capturing how you feel and act when you are not feeling owned, IH, and I appreciate that. It’s very hard because we certainly don’t want to be high maintenance spouses, but at the same time, we do thrive on those frequent reminders of just who is in charge. Lucky for me, I become a moron when I’m not adequately adhering to the submissive role to my Beautiful Goddess, so both Donna and I can see the results right away. It’s got to be difficult when you are apart.

    Last night after work I became cranky, defensive and argumentative. It was only to a small degree, but very noticeable compared to energetic support and service I usually render . My wife grabbed me by the ear and said, “Get out of your bad mood, NOW.” I turned it around pretty quickly.

    Donna counts on me to help keep the home a place of joy and efficiency, so if I am not turned on and tuned in, life can suck for all of us.

    It has taken quite a bit of communication on my part to inform my Queen of what I need to fire on all cylinders to passionately serve her. Now that we both see the value in keeping me properly calibrated, we are both more willing to play our roles
    Last night I profusely and genuinely apologized to my Queen for my bad behavior, and she told me kiss her feet and to remember my place. We've been in love with each other all over again today!
    We do have to remember that there will be times when life's busy-ness doesn't allow our journey to be perfect, but we do need to speak up if we are headed toward a cliff.
    Great topic, IH. The input from everyone here is very helpful to me, including the reminder from the first Anonymous to keep God at the top of the list. Keeping a marriage strong helps make life wonderful for a lot of people. God is good.

    Warm regards,

    Scott

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    1. Scott, I always enjoy your perspective on things and this is yet another time in which I welcome your thoughts. The question I have about you guys is whether the communication that eventually happens is initiated by you or by Donna? I always seem to be the one bringing up things when something feels wrong when I wish it would be Katie that gets the discussion going. Sure seems like the leader should be the one taking charge rather then the submissive. Any thoughts?

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    2. I am enjoying both your perspectives, as a wife (I can't really call myself a domme yet). I think you should continue to bring up when you feel there's a problem. she might not have a clue how you're feeling. maybe there's something that's bothering her too? J

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    3. Hello IH,

      Sorry for the delayed response! I appreciate the time you take in conversing with us guests here in your blog. I like the point by Anonymous about maybe there is something bothering Katie that you would uncover with communicating.

      To answer your question about who initiates dialogue about our FLR, it is always me. Donna is not very keen on discussing feelings. We are kind of the model 1950’s couple in reverse, with Donna being the strong silent type who lovingly focuses on steering our family to success. That being said, Donna does have an amazing capacity to understand and navigate the waters of emotions, feelings, needs, trust and other relationship issues. She doesn’t want to discuss personal matters, but has an uncanny IQ when it comes to handling them.

      Whenever I try to bring up our relationship, she’s always two steps ahead of me. Last week, I tried to approach her about providing me with some displays of control, and said, “I love serving and adoring you, and would thrive if …” and she cut me off. Donna held up her hand and commanded, “Enough! Shut up and bring me a glass of wine … immediately, you a—h---.” And when you come back, you better kiss my feet.”

      Donna is very comfortable in displaying her power over me, but does need reminders that I need a little direct maintenance from time-to-time. I usually try to woo it out of her with little statements like “Thank you for the opportunity to do your laundry.” or, 'Thank you for providing the strong leadership and direction that I need ..."
      We are getting into that dynamic more frequently, and it’s taken a lot of little expressions of gratitude from me, thanking her for loving me in a manner that brings out my very best. Sometimes I have to resort to outright begging, on my knees, “If it pleases you, Mistress, I could really use some expressions of your power over me on a regular basis. That fuels me to serve you, love you and cherish you with everything I’ve got!” Other times I’ll ask, “Would you consider teasing me, tormenting or touching me … whatever you would enjoy? I need that to stay sharp and serve you in the manner you deserve.”
      Of course, I do bring her flowers, cards, back rubs, little gifts and words of love and admiration along with Mimosa’s on a Saturday morning, and work my tail off around the house. Obedience, energy, love and communication. Much communication, even when she doesn’t want to hear it, I push on! Life is awesome!

      Best wishes,


      Scott

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  11. Great post, IH! I get the same feelings as you from time to time. Sometimes I'll slack off my duties on purpose just to illicit a response from her. On some of those occasions, she will just do the chore(s) herself rather than take me to task and that makes me feel even worse. She wants me in my chastity device, but won't be assertive to make sure I lock up immediately when we arrive home. She really likes all aspects of the FLR, but refuses to formally acknowledge what we are doing. I guess we both struggle with clearly communicating. Like you, I do a better job of putting my thoughts in an email than trying to speak to her directly. It seems things just don't come out of my mouth right for lack of a better way to explain it. Guess, like you, I will just keep plugging along.

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    1. Thanks Wishful4. I'm sure every man goes through similar feelings. I can't say that I've purpusefully slacked off on my duties to get a response - thought about it but can't bring myself to do that. Yet I know how you feel and what would bring you to that decision.

      Keep plugging away and keep serving. My guess is that slave to MistressS will tell us that we need to do things for our Mistress regardless of how we feel and to not complain - probably just keep plugging along and do what we've pledged to do. Hang in there friend!

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  12. Wishful4,
    Your comments have really struck home with me, I can feel a blog about this whole subject coming on. It is clear to me that most boys want one thing, while the Girls are happy with another thing. I.e. The level of control, command and discipline. I'm going to think about this before posting, I'm not sure I or most of the male readers will like my thoughts; I can already see them leading to pastures not so green.
    m

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    1. m, I encourage you to think and then write a nice post on the topic. I look forward to reading what you have to say. thanks!

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    2. slavetoMistressS, I look forward to your posting, as well. As far as I am concerned, this can't be "talked about" too much.

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  13. Hi IH,
    just checking to see how you are doing today. So ... how are you doing today?

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    1. SHIP, Thanks for checking in. Doing better. We've talked - some. But we need to talk more. That, I am finding is coming a little hard but I'm going to be persistent and see if I can get to the bottom of all this. But all in all, I'm out of the blues...... not back into the bright sun yet but definitely moving in that direction.

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    2. Glad to hear it pal. Progress is a good thing. I'll be here if you need someone to talk to.

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  14. Hi I'm Hers,

    I will write about the topic, I am still mulling it over, it may not be a nice post though, it could lead to some pretty dark thoughts.

    Regards
    m

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  15. Ken, this is the rub. No matter what you do, how much you get, when you go away as much as you try and convince yourself that you were made to be su bmissive and it belongs to Katie, it will always feel like acting. You both are playing a part, exaggerating your roles, constantly negotiating so that you can get your needs met in the relationship.

    I am impressed by your long suffering and patience and restraint to control or pressure for more. It what sets you apart. It's what helps you go the distance where others, like myself, fall by the wayside. It is very similar to the parable Jesus told of the seeds and the soil. You got path relationships, stony relationships, weedy relationships, and good soil relationships. So I have two thoughts:

    First, you may be more good soil for for FLR than most. And you may be more good soil that rocks and weeds but as your posts have shown, there may be some rocks that are being revealed or weeds that need pulling. I don't put a lot of stock in the power of gritted teeth will but I do believe in being intentional about your life.

    Second, I look at submission as a God given thing. But more so that it relates to surrendering our lives to Christ more so than belonging to woman as great as she may be. Ultimately we were created to give that submissive place in our life to God, let Him meet that need and cause us to be the great servants he made us to be as men with or outside of a FLR relationship. Just my thoughts.

    As you are much older, perhaps there is nothing new to what I am saying and you have it pretty much figured out. If that be the case, carry on.

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  16. This is teddy and I would like to respond to Brad's comment. You know it is simple to say that true submission is given only to God. If this works for you, fine. The problem is that most of us need an earthly Goddess. That may mean different things for different guys. For me it means having a Mistress who takes control of my life. In a sense Mistress has become the material embodiment of the Christ. By serving Mistress I serve God. Mistress has become the spiritual authority that guides my life. This may seem very wrong to many of you. Never the less Kathy's control has molded me into a better person. There is no doubt that Kathy's spiritual leadership has caused me to become a better father.

    Through Kathy's group I have formed an acquaintance with several men who are owned. On occasion the ladies have allowed us to interact. There is one thing we have in common. We are the happiest when the women demonstrate active control over our lives. Perhaps there is one other point we have common. That magical, wonderful moment when Mistress allows her boy to kiss her feet is absolute bliss. Some may call it sub space. Being at Kathy's feet transports me from the physical world to the spiritual. Kathy is very much aware of the power this act of devotion has for me. She will usually allow the privilege of foot worship as a reward for good behavior. If for some reason my behavior is not acceptable, the privilege is denied. I am a very spiritual person. As a very young man I even though about joining a religious order. Every evening I got down on my knees to pray. There was some satisfaction in this but it was limited. There always seemed a connection was missing like no one was listening. As an adult male I have found the connection. It is in the spiritual authority that is represented by the divine feminine. I believe in this. It is why women have so much power over us. It is why as mere men we are not complete without the saving grace of the female.

    Hope I didn't go too far with this comment. It took many years for me to understand my self as a submissive. It would do us all good to talk more with friends. As you get older it is a little easier to talk about things that you couldn't discuss as a younger person. The power of the female is the power of God. The love of the female is the love of God. If we live under the tent of the female, we live under the tent of God. This is the spiritual truth that I believe in. It is why many of us feel so content at the feet of the woman. It is the 'why' we crave their authority and control in every day life.

    teddy




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    1. Thank you teddy. That comment has such deep meanings that I absolutely agree with.

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  17. I have heard others refer to the spiritual path that d/s offers. I guess I am a little more skeptical when I hear the power of the female is the power of God. Coming from a Charismatic background, I am inclined to believe that people can be led astray. That there is a way that seems right be in the end it is death, destruction, heartache. I tend to believe that humans aren't God, that God is distinct. However I do believe that devotion and services given to other humans can be selections of love for God. Treating others well is what is most important to Jesus after putting God first.

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  18. Neat post. sara e

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    1. Thank you Sara e. Why did this post appeal to you?

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  19. I hope this comment is not too past the post for you to see it. I have read your blog from my phone (where I never log in to comment or write) and after reading this post I have been waiting to find a few minutes to log on and comment! Finally, a free moment....

    sub-husband and sub-wives seem to very much share the same struggles/needs/wants. Reading this post was very familiar to me. It is just downright difficult sometimes to continue with whole hearted submission when you know you need the Dominance/boundaries/limits to flourish and you are just not feeling them present. One way I have written about it is like wearing a weighted vest. Weighted vests are used with individuals with autism or processing disorders. The vest provides a constant feedback that helps the individual to focus. D/s, spankings, and so on are like a weighted vest for me. They help me to focus. I truly feel lost without His guidance. I am not un-subbie out of trying to be a brat, I truly feel that I lose my way. Without boundaries my mind races out of control and I am no longer feeling safe with my submission.

    I understand your feeling not very submissive and deciding to pee standing up. My thoughts during these times for me are "no one was looking anyway". It's a line from "What Dreams May Come", Robin Williams' daughter in the movie said this line to explain why she did something she shouldn't have. She felt that no one had the time, interest, or care to guide her in making the right choices, so, why bother. It's not good, right, productive or even remotely respectful of me, but it is the truth.

    I very much want to write more but little feet just ran down the stairs.

    Very happy to have found your blog through SHIP. I will log in later hopefully =)

    XOXO Pearl

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  20. Pearl,
    Thanks for stopping by to comment. I hear you. I really do. But.... the but in all this is that I need to have that leadership, those reminders, that control, that 'you belong to me' command come from her and from her only - and not because I've begged for her to be the way I want her. And there in-lies the problem - whenever there is this kind of problem. I need to be patient and I need to be careful in how I express what are my needs from my wants - and I do believe there is a difference. I want to be hers. I want to be all she wants and all she desires and I need to see my life from her eyes and not primarily from my own. This, I find, takes time and I hope in the time ahead I will be better able to put aside the me in my mind and find real contentment in living for her only.

    You've given me things to think about. Thanks!

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