Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Just not feeling it
In a recent post I made mention of a few instances where I did not obeyed Katie. Although my acts of disobedience (for example, standing when using the toilet) were intentional it wasn't like I was trying to usurp her power as my mistress. I disobeyed because I wasn't feeling very submissive.
However, I am a submissive man. I am a man who is owned. I will forever belong to Katie. I will never have the freedoms that she enjoys. I understand all that and it is something we both desire to never change.
I spent time, a lot of time, on the road this past week, logging over 1500 miles. I've had a lot of time to think. I've been away from Katie quite a bit and I can't remember the last time that I've been locked in my cage - locked in chastity. It's probably been two or three weeks now. It's not that being locked is of significance in itself but being unlocked for this length of time sure has changed my attitude and way of thinking about submission. Last night I was getting ready for bed and a little light of understanding came on. I realize now why I am feeling the things I am. I feel normal. I feel like a normal man. I don't feel submissive. I feel free. I feel independent. I don't like feeling this way. Something feels out of sorts.
At one level I know I am Katie's and belong to her. I understand that but to be honest I surely don't feel her control. I feel like a puppy dog who has broken free of the leash that keeps it chained and limits how far it can venture from its house. It's an odd feeling. I don't like this feeling. Something feels wrong. Something is wrong.
I know when I get home tonight that I will have things to do. The same chores that I had before I left will be waiting for me. The same woman that I served before will expect to be served as soon as I walk in the door. But doing chores doesn't make me submissive. Submissiveness is much more of a mental thing than it is a doing thing. Katie is the only one that can make me feel submissive and right now I don't feel submissive.
Yet at another level I feel like what I will be doing when I return will be just that-chores. Work. I feel like I will be going through the motions doing the same things that I've always been doing. What I don't feel now and what I conveyed to Katie today on the phone is that I don't feel owned. I don't feel her control and I miss that. I really really miss that. Reestablishing that emotional connection, that submissive/dominant bond , is so important. For me it takes more than just me getting up tomorrow morning and cooking her breakfast or making the bed or tidying the bedroom.
I have missed for some time feeling and knowing and being told that I am her sub; that I am not her equal; that I am owned; that my life is more than doing stuff for her and really about doing stuff for her from the understanding that I have no choice-that I really am the lesser of the two of us. It's been a long time since Katie has told me that I am her submissive and that I have no choice but to obey and do as I am told.
I still don't know if Katie really gets that. Too often I feel she is satisfied by knowing I love her and am here to take care of her. That is true. I do love her and I do take care of her. She does make decisions; she does lead. What she rarely does is remind me that I am her submissive. She doesn't talk down to me and I wish she would even if it was in half truths/half play.
Last week I was lying in bed and aching to feel her control sexually. Katie had just gotten up. I asked her to climb back on the bed. When she did I asked her to sit astride my torso. I then pulled her up so she sat on my chest, her body just inches from my face. I explained that when I picture feeling dominated this is what I picture- me on the bottom and her hovering over me about to enjoy my services as one who is about to be pleased. She listened but immediately climbed off and headed into the other room. It wasn't what I hope for. I wish she could have stayed and enjoyed being there but for some reason she didn't.
For her to do take five or 10 minutes to enjoy me and then tell me that I’m pleasing her because she owns me is more than welcomed. Even if she straddled my face not to be pleasured sexually but just to tempt me would be wonderful. I ache to see that side of Katie. I ache to feel her power. And right now, I don't.