Monday, June 29, 2015

Just Let It Go

I was thinking about a post by Serving Ellie last night and spoke with Katie regarding my thoughts. His post came on the heels of something that happened to me and got me thinking.  The other day I saw something that got me frustrated. It was a small thing and it soon passed but I remember thinking, “I’m Katie’s sub. This is not a big deal. This is not something she would appreciate me making a stink over. Just let it be. She’ll get to it when she’s good and ready.” And so I left it where it was. I pursued it no further. I only mentioned I felt this way last night because I talked with her about my thoughts about another benefit to living in a Wife Led Marriage (WLM).

There is a saying, “we only hurt most the ones we love”. That’s adage is true, partly because of the openness we often feel we have with our siblings, parents, spouses and children. Our degree of familiarity opens the door for a level of honesty that can be contorted and perverted into a level of meanness. I remember my teenage son telling me after he verbally bashed his sister, “I’m just being honest with her” and having overheard him just rip her to shreds over something he didn’t like. Yes he was being honest but somewhere along the honesty path he forgot about love and tact and family. Rather he was mean with his remarks and left her in tears.

Married couples do the same thing. They disagree, argue, fight and although we eventually heal, each of those skirmishes leaves a little mark, a little blemish, in the relationship that can never be undone. Serving Ellie had a great (although sad) Father’s Day post in which he spoke of a crappy relationship he had with his father who wasn’t a good father at all. Those little fights, disappointments and mishaps during his childhood added up to ruining his relationship with his dad. Those same things can destroy a marital bond. They CAN but they don’t have to.

Now I’m an older guy. I’m not 20 anymore and because I’m older I have a lot of past in my life – a lot more past than future, unfortunately. But because of my age, I’ve learned some things along the way. One of those nuggets I’ve learned since submitting to Katie is to keep my mouth shut more often than not.

For example, I saw something the other day I thought Katie needed to take care of. It wasn’t important but it was something I felt she should address. But I chose not to say anything. I kept silent because it was a little thing. It didn’t matter even though I felt at the time it should have been dealt with. I had mentioned this before and chose not to do so again. I made a conscious effort not to be a nag. Because I didn’t nag I didn’t imply Katie wasn’t living up to my standard. I didn’t cast Katie in a ‘negative’ light. I didn’t make her feel like she wasn’t good enough.  I didn’t make her feel inadequate. I didn’t imply, “If you were a better mistress and a better wife, you’d have taken care of this by now”.  How big or little the issue happened to be really isn't the issue at all. An "issue" arises whenever I find something I don't like, (didn’t you see this? I know you did.); pinning responsibility for addressing it on Katie (why isn’t this taken care of?); and since she didn't I then feel like I have the right to hammer away ever so damagingly at her confidence as a leader.

If I choose not to let it go but attack her I destroy the very person I love ever so slightly. In the situation I'm alluding to I made a choice to not go there and I've learned that I really should hardly ever go there.

The solution of course in avoiding all the negatives here is so simple. All I needed to do was to keep my trap shut! That’s all I had to do. And that’s all I did. I made the proper choice this time and I’ve been able to make the proper choice for most all of our relatively short marriage. As a result I have a woman that adores me. I mean she absolutely adores me. We have a relationship characterized by openness and honesty. She sees herself as one who leads effectively and enjoys doing so. She sees me as one she can love and own and be open to share any and all things on her mind. And a big reason for some of what we have has to do with the one-sided relationship we’ve committed to. 

She leads; I follow. She determines what we will do on any given day; I conform to her plans. She decides; I go along willingly. She tells, directs, commands and dictates; I never do.  It’s a simple way of living really. I agree to let her lead and follow that leadership. It’s not that I don’t give her input but I’ve learned that some areas where I know she won’t budge aren’t worth fighting over. The one I’ve alluded to here is one. Asking her to punish me when I do wrong was another. (Although I did voice my desire for her to go-there on that one she has chosen not to at this point and so I’ve dropped the issue. It’s just not worth it. We have way too many good things for me to dwell on than a single perceived negative and might make her do something she doesn’t feel right about.)

The take away point: guys, when you see something you think needs doing and you’ve mentioned it before and she has chosen not to ‘do it’ then let it go. Don’t force her to do what she’s not ready for. Don’t make a big deal out of something that isn’t important. Don’t make her feel inadequate by telling her she should have taken care of this last week, last month or last year. It’s simply not worth it. As the Good Book says, “take the log out of your eye before you tell your wife about the sliver in hers”. We all have logs in our life we need to work on. The wife we’ve submitted to and agreed to follow, support and love, needs our devotion a whole lot more than she needs our index finger jabbing into her side telling her what she needs to do next.

I’m Hers

8 comments:

  1. You know something, the wisdom we old-guys can give to our younger but still eager to learn brothers is amazing. Keep up your good works my submissive friend!

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    1. Not to toot our horns excessively but I believe you are right, just as a newly married guy has way more wisdom than a ten year old boy. Of course we all have room to learn everyday. Life is a process. The key is not making the same error twice. Thanks for stopping by SHIP!

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  2. Ellie has told me that the rule she used to follow, was that if she realized something I was doing annoyed her, she would wait at least three days, If it still annoyed her she would bring it up and we would talk about it. She said the vast majority of the time she had either forgotten about it within three days or I had corrected the behavior myself. Now, she certainly doesn't need to do that anymore since I have asked that she give me that kind of feedback immediately now, however, I want to show her at least the same patience she showed me when she considered me her head. It has made for smooth sailing for many years. Its up to me now to see that it continues.

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    1. Hopefully you will have more patience than three days. And if you do go there you won't continue to go there again and again if she chooses not to agree with you.

      That's where submission gets difficult. It's easy when both are united but quite different when opinions differ. Thanks for writing your post. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

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  3. That is something I believe we all deal with and thankfully as I grow older I grow a little wiser. I know that for our flm to be real, as I want , her position has to be acknowledged by me especially when I'm aggravated over something or I think I have my feelings hurt. I want her in charge and occasionally I need to remind myself of that fact. Thankfully it does not happen often. Your advise to keep ones mouth shut is very good advice and something I manage a little better every day. It probably comes with age and, of course, my ever growing desire to please her.
    As always, I find good things in your posts.

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    1. DLsKnight,
      Isn't life so simple when all we, as submissive men do, is let go and let "her" take control? I took a lot of words to try and say that. Too many times our egos get in the way and we keep them in the way every time we try to speak when the better option is silence or agreement.

      Glad to have you stop by and contribute!

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