"It's just a waste of paper and my time," she said irritated while holding up the two-foot long receipt.
That afternoon I was seated next to her on the sofa and she humphed in frustration, "Ahhhhh!"
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"This stupid computer is taking so long to do what I want it to do!"
Later that evening she was wrapping a gift for a party we would be attending. The package was large and heavy (yes we have grandchildren and they need 'big' packages from their grandparents). I was in the other room and heard her groaning with frustration. "I need your help," she called. She was having trouble getting the ribbon around the packages without tearing the paper. I held them up for her until she got things the way she wanted.
"Do you know what puzzles me?" I asked later.
"That you are so quick to express frustration with other people like the the customer service lady or with things that give you trouble but almost never with me."
She smiled but said nothing.
And so that discussion ended right where it started. Yet I wondered why she treats me differently because I am by no means perfect. I tend not to always respond immediately when she calls me away from whatever I'm doing or tells me to do something for her. Yes I do obey but sometimes I put myself and my needs/chores/wants first (at least for a little bit) before attending to what she wants done - not always but sometimes - and I wonder why she lets me slide and doesn't express similar frustration at my slow responses on those occasions.
Katie seems content with how I react and yet I know she has an impatient/expectant attitude. She doesn't enjoy being put out. She doesn't enjoy wasting time. She is the ultimate pragmatist. She can be quite particular and yet I can count on one hand the number of times she's snapped at me. It's a rare occasion indeed.
And I wonder why I am the exception.
I mention this because of the dichotomy that I'm certain must appear to be so strange to 'outsiders' who I know must read my or similar blogs. Most men don't want to be controlled. They don't want to be commanded to do this or do that or be told, "let's go," when they are in the middle of something. I do. I crave it. I live for it. I need it. I feel grumpy and moody when I don't feel it or get it. If you are not a man who belongs to a woman - meaning she doesn't own you - then the aforementioned statement may not make much sense. If you are, then I believe you fully understand what I'm trying to say.
If you are a mistress I think you can identify with your need to maintain control. I made mention to Katie not so long ago that mistressing is all about attitude. What I was referring to was her need to not forget how important it is to maintain an air of control in order to keeping our marriage intimate and me close to her emotionally. And she has come so far. Just today I asked her if she had been intentionally acting different recently. She said she wasn't and asked me why. During a three day weekend with her at home I noticed how expectant she had been at ordering me around. Now her ordering is never harsh but it was persistent: Let's eat. Let's go. Get me some ice water. It's time for bed. Put my medicine out on the counter so I don't forget to take it. Come and look at this.... and on and on it went. I need that control. I really do. I don't know that I could be happy without it. I think we'd fall on hard times if she ever decided to go back to our old way of living in a 50/50 arrangement.
All of this is a learning process and Katie and I are no exception. She's been my mistress for about four years and she is still adapting to that role. Likewise I am too. In my last post I mentioned how I struggled to remain submissive while having to obey her corrective words when I didn't want to hear them. We are doing better but by no means have mastered our respective roles of leading and following. But the journey has surely been worth the effort.