Friday, July 17, 2015
I had a bit of an internal rebellion of sorts the other day. I was working on a project that I’ve wanted to do for some time – straightening the garage/basement. Since I’m the ‘new’ one here, having moved into Katie’s home when we married, most all we have is hers. I see it as hers; I view it as hers. As a result I don’t feel as if I have a say in what stays or what goes and we tend to be opposites in that way. She’s a keeper and I’m a chucker-outer. In the course of my undertaking I got upset because of some of the things she wanted to keep. I didn’t see nor understand why but did what I was told. I spent some twelve hours working. The heat of the south didn’t help matters as much of my time was in the garage.
Every so often Katie would check on me and tell me something that would demand a change of plans. After a few such changes I began to get a bit irritated. I went to bed that first night irritated but had enough perspective to remind myself not to compromise my love for her over material things. I needed to think long and hard about that because I came from a marriage in which saving ‘stuff’ was taken to an extreme. Maybe having to confront what little Katie keeps stirred those old emotions allowing stress, anxiety and insecurity to rear its ugly head once more. For whatever reason I was struggling.
On day two I took a load of goods to our local Good Will. In that pile of stuff I mistakenly took something she wanted to keep. She wondered I did on purpose but I assured her it was an honest mistake – which it was. She made another critical remark or two about my work and where I was putting things and when she said something like, “you’ve been working hard,” or “things are shaping up nicely” I replied by saying “that’s the first nice thing you’ve said all day.” Of course I was being sarcastic and not very loving.
Later that night I confessed I hadn’t handled the whole situation properly, told her I was sorry for getting upset and Katie responded with an interesting comment telling me it’s hard treading the fine line of being a mistress. Later I asked her what she meant and she explained she doesn’t want to be bitchy or mean while being my Mistress.
What I struggled with was obedience. In every ‘change of plans’ of the house cleaning project I did what she wanted but I didn’t do so willingly every time. I grumped to myself. I didn’t think pleasing thoughts. I wasn’t the sub she would have been proud of if she could have read my mind. I was caught up in the moment and my emotions consumed me. I knew it wasn’t good but I couldn’t make myself take a more positive attitude.
How sad it is when stuff takes precedence over people. I married Katie because of the beautiful woman she is and not because of the stuff she possessed. I also continue to love her for those same reasons. No she isn’t perfect. Yes we have differing views at times but she has pledged to lead us and I have pledged to follow that lead. It was me, not she, who dropped the ball here. I wanted my way and when I didn’t get it I grumped, pouted, sulked…. Call it what you will but it was something that in no way ‘embraced her decisions’ as I vowed to do as her submissive. I do believe a large part of my inappropriate reaction had to do with my past feelings from a previous marriage. Yet I failed to keep Katie, and her wishes, ahead of my desire to do what I wanted and in doing so revealed the real problem I have.
My internal rebellion is something I need to keep a better handle on. Maybe Katie should have taken a more direct and confrontational approach but I wasn’t sure she even knew what was going on in my mind until I finally told her I was upset and irritated. I’d be interested to hear how you as a Mistress handle similar situations or how you as a submissive deal with issues when they arise.
Me, well I didn’t handle this situation as well as I should have.