Friday, July 17, 2015

Tensions

I had a bit of an internal rebellion of sorts the other day. I was working on a project that I’ve wanted to do for some time – straightening the garage/basement. Since I’m the ‘new’ one here, having moved into Katie’s home when we married, most all we have is hers. I see it as hers; I view it as hers. As a result I don’t feel as if I have a say in what stays or what goes and we tend to be opposites in that way. She’s a keeper and I’m a chucker-outer. In the course of my undertaking I got upset because of some of the things she wanted to keep. I didn’t see nor understand why but did what I was told. I spent some twelve hours working. The heat of the south didn’t help matters as much of my time was in the garage. 

Every so often Katie would check on me and tell me something that would demand a change of plans. After a few such changes I began to get a bit irritated. I went to bed that first night irritated but had enough perspective to remind myself not to compromise my love for her over material things.  I needed to think long and hard about that because I came from a marriage in which saving ‘stuff’ was taken to an extreme. Maybe having to confront what little Katie keeps stirred those old emotions allowing stress, anxiety and insecurity to rear its ugly head once more. For whatever reason I was struggling.

On day two I took a load of goods to our local Good Will. In that pile of stuff I mistakenly took something she wanted to keep. She wondered I did on purpose but I assured her it was an honest mistake – which it was. She made another critical remark or two about my work and where I was putting things and when she said something like, “you’ve been working hard,” or “things are shaping up nicely” I replied by saying “that’s the first nice thing you’ve said all day.”  Of course I was being sarcastic and not very loving.

Later that night I confessed I hadn’t handled the whole situation properly, told her I was sorry for getting upset and Katie responded with an interesting comment telling me it’s hard treading the fine line of being a mistress. Later I asked her what she meant and she explained she doesn’t want to be bitchy or mean while being my Mistress.

What I struggled with was obedience. In every ‘change of plans’ of the house cleaning project I did what she wanted but I didn’t do so willingly every time. I grumped to myself. I didn’t think pleasing thoughts. I wasn’t the sub she would have been proud of if she could have read my mind. I was caught up in the moment and my emotions consumed me.  I knew it wasn’t good but I couldn’t make myself take a more positive attitude.

How sad it is when stuff takes precedence over people. I married Katie because of the beautiful woman she is and not because of the stuff she possessed. I also continue to love her for those same reasons. No she isn’t perfect. Yes we have differing views at times but she has pledged to lead us and I have pledged to follow that lead. It was me, not she, who dropped the ball here. I wanted my way and when I didn’t get it I grumped, pouted, sulked…. Call it what you will but it was something that in no way ‘embraced her decisions’ as I vowed to do as her submissive. I do believe a large part of my inappropriate reaction had to do with my past feelings from a previous marriage. Yet I failed to keep Katie, and her wishes, ahead of my desire to do what I wanted and in doing so revealed the real problem I have.

My internal rebellion is something I need to keep a better handle on. Maybe Katie should have taken a more direct and confrontational approach but I wasn’t sure she even knew what was going on in my mind until I finally told her I was upset and irritated. I’d be interested to hear how you as a Mistress handle similar situations or how you as a submissive deal with issues when they arise.

Me, well I didn’t handle this situation as well as I should have.


I’m Hers 

21 comments:

  1. IH,
    We're not perfect nor will we ever be. That said, it does not give us a crutch or an excuse when we get irritated. It is easy sometimes to get irritated or to let little things annoy us when we think we would have made a different decision. At times ghosts of the past come to visit and unduly influence our thinking and our moods. It is at those times I have to remind myself of what I have and what it is that I truly want. A time to refocus on her and her desires. I know that is easier said than done, as I sometimes catch myself but, sometimes I just as easily don't soon enough. Thankfully she notices these times/my change of mood and uses her loving dominance to reassure me. In the end I let her know that I realize I was not where I needed to be. It is always a work in progress and progress is enjoyable.

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    1. DLsKnight, Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. You are right.... it isn't always easy but it is always worth it to remain focused on the real prize - her!

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    2. ok, IH. Quick question if you have the time to answer it. you're at a carwash with Katie, they're supposed to hand dry your car after the wash, she gets out of her side and starts throwing some trash away. She gets back in the car and leaves the door open. do you get irritated at her for leaving the door open and making it difficult for the guy who is supposed to hand dry the car? should she have been considerate and closed the door for him? would you say something to her in that situation? Thank you! J

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    3. by the way, it's a huge F 250 truck with a cab in the middle. J

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    4. J, I read your comment to Katie. She said, "well first, I would be the one drying the truck and not inside with her." LOL. She didn't say anything more. My thought was that if Katie did that I'd say, "are you going to close your door Sweetheart?" If she did, problem solved. If she said 'no'. I"d say, "do you want me to close it for you?" If she said yes then once more, problem solved.
      I see no reason not to ask her to close the door since our habit is not for me to open doors when she gets out. I would assume she'd close it after she got back in.
      Make sense?

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    5. Isn't all that just part of that 'doin what she wants' stuff which just gets more natural the longer you live your relationship? It took a while for me, but now I don't miss a light tap on the side of the water glass as a sign for a refill, or a glance at a task undone to to say it needs doing. This almost invisable communication works well in public to let you continue to be just a great guy to others, but it also allows you to attend to her just as you would want to.
      I don't know, but in that situation maybe I would make eye contact with her, give just a little smile, and go out and close the door. There is no way I would call her on being inconsiderate. If she picks up on it, great. If not, it's just part of my life. JT

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    6. As far as responding to the post itself, I have been pretty good at keeping a lid on it in public. In private, now that is different. There are tensions occasionally and I have raised my voice but she has been getting better at a shush or a stop which both are moves to halt my control failures in their tracks. It usually does work and thereby makes me once again remember my place in the total scheme of things. Quietly asking for forgiveness while I am kneeling and being in held in her arms as she sits calmly on the couch puts things right again. JT

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  2. I think we all have those moments when we are not pleased with what is happening. No they can't read our minds and sometimes don't know how upset we are. When that happens in our relationship I later confess what I was thinking. We discuss it then she will ask me what I feel should be done. My reply is I need you to lead me and correct me. And that she does by giving me a good spanking and reminding me who is in charge. It works for us.
    archedone

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    1. I love the way you two interact. What is missing from our relationship is correction. I feel like it is the one missing ingredient and I do wish she'd change her mentality in that area. I need to feel her leadership just as you do with your Mistress. Thanks so much for sharing. The support and contribution is welcome

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  3. Don't worry I struggle with the same thing sometimes then like you realize what I did, apologize and try not to let it happen again.
    Bob

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    1. Bob, Glad you can identify with my situation. What bothered me was my action on day 2. She was going over what I had kept/wanted to throw out in the basement and seemingly checking on my work. I took it personally and while out of ear-shot, told her things I now regret. I was really angry - and my anger was directed at her. That's what bothered me. I did apologize but I hate that I felt the way I did.
      Thanks for sharing and stop by again.

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  4. My wife keeps so much stuff in our barn I often tease her and tell her we should put a Loews department sign out front. But any time we need something or the kids are working on a project she always has what we need. So I never say anything. Don't worry about the little things I know it's easier said than done but.My job is to keep her happy so then I'm happy. R R

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    1. RR, you make me smile. How many times have I almost thrown something out and then have something that comes up where I used that very thing I wanted to get rid of? I can tell you there's been lots of those situations. Katie knows where everything is and I've learned to let them be. What I'm trying to do is organize - not throw out - what she does have - and create a workspace for me in the process. Glad you have a barn to use as your storeroom. I envy that!

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  5. I'm Hers: Thanks for the insightful post. I think this is a point everyone in this type of relationship gets to, whether its because there is an internal rebellion that conflicts with embracing submission or trying to tread that fine line between being a bitch and the leader he asks for. It sounds like you handled it as best you can, and recognized there were things you would do differently in the future. It is really a growing process and I think the fact you kept going despite your internal conflict, and she did not back down, shows the foundational aspects of this remain intact.

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    1. Rhiannon,
      Thanks for sharing. You know I think I did 'recover' in how I handled it after several hours of brewing in solitude while I worked and looking back on that I am pleased to have maintained that perspective. However I don't think I handled the initial issue that Sandy noted (below) in getting myself into the situation to begin with. I let my ego get the best of me and I do need to work on that. And in stating that I am admitting that my submission to Katie still is lacking in some ways.
      Thanks for making me think and process some thoughts!

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  6. Ken, I enjoy your blog and appreciate you but think your thoughts are misguided. You did not mishandle this situation, this situation happened because of the attitude of your heart not mis-management. It's not simply our actions but the content of your heart that matters. Katie needs to double down on her expectations of you until your attitude is properly adjusted.

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    1. I can't disagree with your observation. Doesn't every action and attitude originate at the level of the heart and soul? Yes, my ego got in the way. I wanted things done my way and not hers - even though her way really was the right way. Thanks for sharing and thanks for your honesty and bluntness.

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  7. It is easy for this to happen, just because you are the submissive doesn't mean it will automatically be easy to submit or to put her thoughts and opinions above your own when it is required. Also this is harder because your Mistress isn't the really forward & strict kind of Mistress, as you have said in many posts previously. I do think it is great though that you can recognize inside yourself how you were feeling, and where that was useless, even if it weren't a D/s relationship that kind of resentment is still useless. Resentment like that can build up and fester over time, as you have said happened in your life before Katie, so seeing it now and stopping that feeling from taking over is a great step. I know you crave more dominance. I am not sure how you could get Katie on the same page as you with that, it may or may not ever happen, but I do know that the more eager and communicative David is with me, the more I want to dominate him more.

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    1. "It is easy for this to happen, just because you are the submissive doesn't mean it will automatically be easy to submit or to put her thoughts and opinions above your own when it is required."
      Marie, wouldn't you agree that if I (or David) cant/won't do this very thing it cuts to the heart of ruining our submissive relationship with our dominant partner/spouse? I know that I felt so bad for several days because of how I reacted and handled my personal situation. And really, at the core of my frustration with Katie was my inability to say "yes Mistress" and trust her wisdom and desire.

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    2. Absolutely in time if this type of behavior and attitude were to continue it would ruin the D/s relationship. If you never recognized where you were going wrong with submitting to her desires and thoughts then it would just be a matter of time where this resentment would trickle into other areas and the Mistress would wash her hands of it. But as I said just because you want to submit to her doesn't make it automatically easy or a given that you will always be the kind of submissive you want to be. I feel some of it comes down to the control and discipline of the Mistress but also some of it falls on the submissive to own as well. I believe your submission is a daily and sometimes hourly choice that you make again and again and sometimes that choice doesn't come as naturally especially when you have an idea in your own mind of something you want. Communication is also important. Tell Katie how keeping things makes you feel as a result of your previous life and how things became more important than the people. She may not even realize how her holding onto things could trigger a feeling like that in you. Even if she knows it doesn't mean anything will change, she may still want to keep it all, but she may also communicate to you in some ways to reassure you how different the situation is now compared to before even though one act of keeping things may be the same. When David and I started working through his insecurities that popped up after I moved here through the long talks and fights we were having one thing he told me is that he couldn't stand me wearing my shoes (sandals) in the house all the time. It made him feel I wasn't relaxed or at home here and that I could walk out and leave. Now some of this obviously runa deeper than a pair of shoes but the shoes were a visual thing triggering this feeling more each day. Once he told me how he felt I am more careful of his feelings. I still wear my shoes in the house all day because I am in and out with the garden and dogs and also because they give me great support while buzzing through the house doing things all day but as soon as we are ready to relax at night I now make sure I take them off and go bare footed everywhere except the basement. Now that I know how he feels I have compromised and pay more attention while still doing what I want.

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    3. Marie, you took some time here to respond and I do appreciate it very much. Thank you! I do understand and I guess that I try to hold myself to a high standard when it comes to my obedience. I don't want to disobey and when I obviously screw up it really does bother me and I find being 'faulty' less than where I want to be.

      AS to the communication, I agree. It's so important and we do talk.We talk lots and that has always been one of our strong points as I know it is with you and David.

      Thank you again for your insights.

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