Thursday, September 3, 2015

Biting one's tongue

Not all parts of submission come easy. As a man, I do have a will, desires and wants. They may not always be the best, most prudent or wisest but they do exist.  What can make submission difficult is deferring when those desires appear important at the time.

Sometimes I feel rejected or ignored but that 'sting' lasts for only a short time and then passes. What I need to never forget is stepping back to keep the bigger picture in focus. What is ultimately important is not getting my way but making sure the relationship remains intact and that means me remaining obedient without exception. 

I remember Cathy (Femdom 101) making a comment on a previous post where I noted I sit when using the toilet because that's what Katie wanted. Her comment was quite profound stating: if a man can't do the little things (like sitting as he's been told), he will never be able to do the bigger things. 

If I may make a parallel to a related passage in the Good Book, Paul wrote the following: "but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint …” 

Paul was encouraging others to not give up because there was something bigger at stake.  The same is true with respect to our wife led marriage relationship. If we both abide by what we said we were committed to – me obeying and her leading – the bigger ‘prize’ of intimacy of increasing depth is possible.

So, yes, there are times when she wants to do this and I want to do that. However, if I fail to obey but instead put up a stink or grumble because of what she wants, I might get my way 'this time' but I would also usurp a wee bit of her authority. The better choice is to remain silent and embrace her decision - no matter how I feel. Now, that is not to say I can’t gently and respectfully share an alternative thought, but how I do that becomes of the utmost importance. 

One character trait that has changed since my submission as been my level of patience. By nature, I'm not the most patient. I can be impulsive. I’ll say things before I’ve thought things through, do things without looking at the bigger picture, etc.  That part of me makes for my adventurous side. I like pushing the envelope, trying foods I’ve never had, taking chances, thinking 'I could do that' when there is no chance in the world I ever could, and the like. Katie is not of the same mindset. She’s thoughtful, prudent and cautious. She looks at the bigger picture more than I. But because I’ve committed to obey, I’ve become more like her; sometimes that’s been imposed, but mostly I’ve come to see the wisdom of her ways.

That’s not to say I don’t internally grumble or throw up my hands and scream ‘why?!’ when driving alone to work, but I understand there is a bigger end, a bigger reward, in remaining obedient.  And besides, I view Katie’s dominant side as hot, sexy, and luring. I find her confidence attractive. I love knowing being married to a self-confident wife and she has grown tremendously since I first yielded to her. I credit some of her growth to me keeping my mouth shut when we've disagreed. I've encouraged her to lead, even if my choice would have been different. 

There is a difference in making a decision when the ramifications of that choice only impacts her and making a decision that impacts the two of us. To do the latter requires a greater level of confidence and self-assurance. Deciding for the two of us implies she has the trust that I’ll support her. That is what Katie has finally achieved although it’s taken several years to get here.

Just today, before she left the house she stated, “I don’t want the dog outside. If you’re going to work in the garage, keep the door shut.” There wasn’t malice in her instruction. There wasn’t condescension but there was confidence in making her wishes known no matter what I might have been thinking of doing once she left.

That little bit of "I stated what I wanted without getting questioned by him" when added to several hundred previous statements that also encountered no criticism or rebuke has helped Katie become the leader she isn’t naturally. Like most things in life, it takes practice to become good at something. If I had made her role as mistress wife difficult, she might have already given up her decision to lead. ‘Success breeds success’, and ‘start successful and end successful’ are both statements pointing to the fact that for one to become a strong leader they need to have a following that embraces what it is they want to achieve.  I’m sure that if I questioned her now, vs. doing so two years ago, I’d get a very different response to my ill-stated words than two years previous.  She has confidence now she didn’t have then and I anticipate she will have much more if I continue to obey and willingly follow where she takes us.

So, although I don’t get my way all the time and although I every so often struggle with not getting what I want, I have learned the wisdom of swallowing the “but Sweetheart, don’t you think it would be better if….” and in so doing, questioning her decision. The small suffering endured is so worth it because I understand what is really at risk – the very basis of our wife led marriage. It necessitates my obedience and giving her the room to lead as she sees fit.

I’m Hers


  1. You make a great point that the small suffering you endure in your relationship is worth the larger goal of being submissive to her and pleasing her.


    1. Indeed I did - the hard part however, is putting my words into practice.

  2. This post is absolutely one of the best and most insightful posts I have read.


  3. This really is an excellent and insightful post. I want so much to submit to my wife/Mistress and yet the one thing that I seem to have the least bit of control in my desire to hand myself over to my wife is my mouth, especially when it is directed at suggesting things after she has already shared her wishes, or worse to criticize her decisions "in a loving way." There is no "loving way" when you have dedicated yourself to living as a submissive to your wife. I recently purchased, with my Mistress's permission, a ball gag. She does not care to see me in it. Yet, a couple of times, after one of my "commentaries" she has locked me in the gag for a while. Clearly it does the trick with me controlling my words. However, the biggest benefit for me is that during these enforced periods of silence, I find myself contemplating why my Mistress felt compelled to have me wear it. The introspection caused by the gag seems to have made a difference in my controlling what I say to my Mistress. Not sure how this will work out in the long run, but just forcing me to wear this contraption seems to have boosted my Mistress's confidence in her authority over me and in her ability to control my sometimes out of control mouth. thanks for bringing up this important topic.

    1. TV, many years ago while sitting in an Ethics class at college - and zoning off for large periods of time - I happened to tune back in in time to hear my professor talk about spilled soup.

      He said, "if you are visiting your girlfriend's family and spill the soup they served you for lunch onto the table and let it dribble onto her parents lap in the process, you can never undo the fact that you spilled the soup. No matter how much you apologize or how hard you try to wipe it from their clothing, they will always remember that 'you spilled the soup'".

      I have no clue what the story was referencing or where he was going with it but the story has always stayed with me - maybe so I could share it with you. :)

      You know, if you continue to provide your Mistress with unwanted "commentaries" - as you put those outbursts - you too are 'spilling soup' and although she puts a ball-gag on you, she still has the memory of all those 'commentaries (those spilled soup times) that can never ever be erased from her memory.

      My advice to you: tread carefully my friend and try to do a better job of putting the soup into your mouth rather than spilling it all over her :)

      Thanks for sharing and please stop by again!

  4. As always great information.. You are right that you never lose the trust you have built with your wife or partner for something small or insignificant argument that might come up it's not worth her losing the confidence she has and deserves.I've learned to think first and talk later something I wasn't good at before our FLR. RR

    1. Here's a little update.. Just this morning I was sitting in the kitchen and the kids and myself always put our shoes by the door. My wife said look at the baseboard by the floor it's got black scuff marks from your shoes you have to be carful taking them off.Well first of all I wear tennis shoes most of the time and I know that it didn't come from me but I wasn't about to get into a contest with her as to how they got there so I apologized and to her I would be sure to be more carful. I clean the floors anyway so I'll just keep a lookout from now on.My wife is right about 95% of the time and I won't worry about the 5% she's not.She leads our marriage and I love supporting her 100% right or wrong.. R R..

    2. RR, you definitely displayed your 'keep my mouth shut' quality and humbled yourself enough to say the ole, 'yes dear, whatever you say dear' and let her remain confident and in charge. Well done, good and faithful servant!

      Loved your story,

  5. IH,
    "obedient without exception." That is so important in our marriage. When my wife told me she wanted to be the one in charge, she wanted an obedient husband. That has been one of my main goals, to be that for her. It does take a concerted effort to place someone else ahead of ourselves, even the one we love. But that has its own rewards and they are well worth it. My wife's most dear term for me, and she uses it often, is "my obedient husband". That is one phrase that I never tire of hearing. It does take work and sacrifice and many times "biting my tongue".
    You are on a roll of late on your posts.

    1. DLsKnight, I would love to be known as 'my obedient husband'. I had a license plate and there were three letters on it: BHF..... Katie told me ... 'that mean's Bedient Husband Forever'. I always loved thinking about my plate in those terms. Too bad the state wanted me to get a different one in due time.

      Thanks for the kudoos on the posts. Appreciate the feedback.

  6. Just found your blog, and it's right up my street. I'm also aiming to devote my life to the glory of my wife, and the whole 'not getting what I want thing' is occasionally a stumbling block.

    You have a new follower.

    1. QP,
      I'm glad you stumbled on the blog and hope you find others along the side bar helpful as well. Being a submissive to one's wife is not always easy and although we strive to do our best we always have times when we are inadequate. I hope you find what's written here helpful and consider being a part of future discussions as topics interest you. Welcome!

  7. IH -- Just read your response to TV. Your choice of metaphors (spilt milk) made me think of parralels to biting one's tongue. When men masturbate they are being untrue to their wives and also injuring their relationships with their wives. That is why many of us submissives on our own or required by our wives wear chastity devices. They not only curb the masturbation habit, but also make us more deeply consider of our roles as dutiful husbands and servants to our wives. In the same way the ball gag required by his wife curbs his talking back to her, but also, as he mentions helps him to consider how his words affect his role as a dutiful husband and servant. Seems that the ball gag and chastity device may serve similar purposes.

    1. Anonymous, I both agree and disagree with your thinking. I agree that yes wives can take precautions such as using a chastity device to curb or control masturbation. It's preventative and it does work. However the ball gag is reactionary rather then a proactive response. And it is there where my thought diverges from yours. The gag is akin to a spanking. When the submissive does something wrong the dominant institutes some form of punishment as a reminder not to do whatever was done again. I guess if the behavior is altered there can be value in The gag or the spanking and I guess the proof is in the putting -t o use another metaphor. Thanks for sharing.

  8. This is an amazing post, IH. The topic is a very helpful reminder to think of the long term and powerful benefits of erasing, deleting and crushing what we want out the relationship. I am learning to be simply, and so very deeply, grateful that my Mistress has accepted my submission and is willing to lead. Donna is leading on HER terms and in HER style, and gets comfort and peace knowing that I will support her no matter what.

    It's a tremendous blessing watching her soar as a confident and and capable leader. Plus, I'm much more pleasant to be around when when all my energy is focused on being a supportive, courteous, hard-working and joyful husband and best friend. Trust me on that one!

    Keep up the great writing, my friend. Your discussions on how to be a better sub are helping to make my marriage a strong and passionate one!