Saturday, October 17, 2015

Is Change to the Old Way Even Possible?

Have you ever wondered if you could revert back to the old, vanilla you? It's been a question I've thought of every now and again. I'm not young. Some would call me an old guy, and if truth be told, I guess I am, although I've said for years, old age is a state of mind more than anything. However, I've lived five decades in a traditional household, being raised and then being married. I observed my parents in how they managed their home. Mom was the counselor, mom took care of the finances, mom was the person I asked permission from when I wanted something - because I was somewhat afraid of what dad might say. But mom always told the kids, 'dad was in charge'. When I became the head of my household, I shared responsibilities with my wife, we made collective decisions, we raised children together, we worked though problems as a team - and then I met Katie and soon after became her submissive 'boyfriend' and later her submissive husband. I've been her sub now for over five years. 

I made mention in the last post how I've wondered if this blog had run its course. There aren't many new things happening in the Katie household. We live as we do with her in charge. Like in our previous lives we each have responsibilities; I cook and clean and provide the primary income; Katie manages our finances and spends hours 'grandmothering'. However we don't share many responsibilities and the jobs I have will always be mine, just as the duties Katie has will always be hers. The difference between the now and the past is this: the jobs/responsibilities we both have now are on her terms, rather than on our terms. Sex, finances, vacations, chores, meals, pretty much everything is according to her plan rather than our plan, although I would admit she isn't the strictest of mistresses and she does seek my opinion often. But even then, she is uncompromising with certain facets of our lives and we both know who 'wears the pants' in our home. 

But I wonder: could I ever go back to the old way, to love and care for Katie the way I first did - before she became my mistress? I recently finished a great book, "The Day of the Jackal". There was a line that caught my attention. It was in reference to the hired assassin in which he pondered whether he could ever not be an assassin after having been one for so many years. The author stated, "One was, what one was." After I read that I wondered, Am I what I will always be? Can I ever go back? Would I ever want to go back?

Ladies, have you ever wondered: are you what you will always be to your man - a mistress, the one in charge of the home? Men, what about you? Are you what you will always be - a submissive - a slave? Will you - could you- ever change? If your spouse told you, "I've had enough," could you ever go back to the old way? What if something happened to your him/her and they were no more, would you eventually seek out another like her? Would femdom (D/s) be a required criteria for you if you ever began the search for another?

For me, I think I could go back. But I know I wouldn't be as happy. I think there would be regrets. I think we would lose something in the process. Our love for one another might become more tempered and less passionate. I think my desire might wane just a hair simply because some of her allure would be gone. I don't know if I could ever make love the old way and if I had to, there would be an ache of that loss. I wonder too if she would feel similar pains. Would she resent me spending 'my' money once more rather than being confined to spending what little she allows me? Would she not see me in the same light because she had to spend an hour in the kitchen because I just didn't want to make dinner tonight? Would she feel a loss of closeness because she wanted to make love but I told her 'not tonight'? (Not that I'd ever say something so absurd!)

Besides this simply being a post of 'I wonder if' or 'I wonder whether' its a post with a warning. If you love where you are; if you never want to go back; if  you feel that living as a mistress or submissive is the lock and key that fits like nothing else can or will in your own marriage, then doesn't it behoove you both to protect what you have?  It doesn't take much for a mistress to remind her man he is owned, is possessed, and not her equal - even though he is loved like none other - but it does take something. It does take intentionality. It does take a planned, "I need to do this today for him" so he won't forget his place and that I'm in charge. So my question to the mistresses of the world is this: what do you do to remind and keep your man in 'that' state of mind? Anything? I sure hope so. Just because he does his duties with out complaint doesn't necessarily mean his mind is where a submissive's mind should be. There is a chasm of a difference between being "hen-pecked" and "submissive".

To the guys, (and to me), it's important that we understand our place in her home and that we address and admire her for the woman she is and for the status in our life she holds. It's important to not want to rebel, slack off in our duties, sulk or complain. It's important to not envy the freedom our male friends have. It's not healthy to wish "I miss being them'.   

It's harder being the submissive. It's easier being the mistress. But if it's worth preserving, then it's worth being intentional about keeping things moving forward and not regressing. Proactively maintaining what a femdom relationship is is so much easier than having tore-actively repair a deteriorating one. Because if it fails and nothing is left but the old 50/50 way - then what? 

I'm Hers

37 comments:

  1. Great post as always. As I have mentioned in the past, neither Ellie or I believe we even could go back if we wanted to. We have reverted a few times sort of unofficially to our old way of doing things and everything just seems off. Usually when that happens its because Ellie just sort of stops being in charge, so I stop feeling like serving. I don't know why she does that but I think now she does understand that her leadership has to be active not passive. Its not just something she pays lip service to, its something she has to do every day.

    I'm not sure I agree that its harder being the submissive than the mistress. Definitely at times it is, and it can be confusing if she is not actively leading. I sense a longing in your words for Katie to take more even deeper control in your lives. If I'm wrong about that I apologize. I have mentioned to Ellie numerous times that she really cannot overdo it when it comes to her taking control in our house and marriage. Where I think its hard for the mistress is that she has to really believe that her control of you is continuously wanted and welcomed and I think many women need that boost of self confidence regularly since if she is not a natural dominant, or spent much of her life in a traditional role, its a big change for her.

    Totally agree that a femdom marriage is still a marriage and it takes maintenance, communication, and effort on both people's part. If you neglect to maintain the relationship, it will deteriorate and you will both suffer for it. You have to be intentional...date your spouse, put in the work to make them know that you love them. I think as subs we have to work to be content rather than always wishing for the "next thing" whatever that thing is for you. Ladies, you need to work to be creative and let your sub know that you love being in charge, that you appreciate his gift of submission. You can do that by actively working to show him you are in control. It seems counter intuitive, but that's how you can show a sub you love him.

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    1. Thanks Mr. Ellie. I appreciate the thoughts. I agree wholeheartedly as you expounded on the points of the post mostly, and yes, I want more. I always want more. Sometimes when I write these posts to the blog, I write them also to Katie. They help us to talk and I'm sure we will talk more about the thoughts in this one as well.

      Now, I need to make the time to read your last few posts. I've been away from the blog for awhile. Need to catch up.

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    2. SE, there are some cues that will let your wife know that her authority is always welcomed. My wife from the beginning has let me know that when she comes home and rings for me that I'm to present myself and kneel on both knees or if I enter a room she's in that I'm to kneel unless she beats me to it by saying "You may stand" or "You may sit."

      I know exactly how engaged she is by how long she keeps me in the kneeling position before she gives the "You may sit." or "You may stand." command.

      There's really no mistaking who's in authority with this protocol. Both parties know what's expected and what their role is.

      My wife has a daily review of my behavior usually while I give her her daily foot bath and foot massage, and lets me know what was acceptable and what wasn't. She has mentioned many times how much she enjoys the FLR and we will never be going back. It would be a major hitch in the relationship if I tried to push for our pre FLR relationship.

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  2. My spouse and I have had conversations about this. Although she likes being in charge, she does not want to make all the decisions. Many times she prefers me to decide on a restaurant and to order food. She defers to me on other minor stuff on occasion. I think it is like Serving Ellie said, she has spent a good part of her life being a stay at home mom being in charge of the family while I was working away. During that time she DID make all the decisions. Now that I'm home all the time, she does like me to share in decision making and doesn't think that undermines her dominance. To be completely in charge of ME outside the bedroom would be a big change for her. As far as going back, it has happened to us on occasion. She has figured out that it all seems to be tied to my chastity. My service to her doesn't suffer as long as she keeps me locked, so that is now our default status; locked unless she says otherwise. Case in point. I was unlocked in early Sept for my urologist visit. I was puzzled when she didn't lock me back up immediately afterwards. According to her, she ran an experiment by leaving me unlocked the whole month of Sept after being locked for almost three months. The more I resorted to my old ways of self-pleasuring, the more my service to her suffered. I didn't think she was paying attention but she was making notes of my actions and attitude as the month went along. At the end of the month we had a lengthy conversation during which she discussed the times during that month when I failed to anticipate her needs or feel short on household duties and other stuff. I was very surprised. Bottom line she said it was clear to her that I needed the device on all the time and, as I said, this is our default situation since the first of Oct. She likes where we are now and has no intention of going back. I really miss self-pleasuring and think about going back from time to time, but I would probably regret it if we did. I really, really like being kept under lock and key by her.

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    1. Wishful4, I always appreciate you thoughts. You ended by stating how you wish you could be unlocked but my guess is that when you were unlocked for September you kind of missed being locked. I think most of us wish for that which we can't have. I think chastity for you is something that reminds you of your position - something that it does for many men that remain locked. I know when Katie has locked me for prolonged times I sometimes feel forgotten, if that makes sense. When locked there is not possibility of sex and I LOVE our times of intimacy. My hunch is you do to.

      Stop by again! Hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

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  3. There is not a day that goes by that my wife does not remind me of my duty (as a Christian husband) to OBEY her -- and to be mindful throughout the day that I belong to her. And I daily promise her to do so. You see, before we married I explained to her what the Bible REALLY teaches regarding authority in the home, and it is not what is commonly accepted or traditional. A wife is even encouraged to discipline her husband, which is what she does every week to very forcibly remind me to be subordinate to her in domestic matters. She always had a dominant nature so the biblical authorization to rule over me was very welcomed by her.

    Furthermore, I would be very unhappy if she decided she wanted to reverse our roles, because I would then not have the freedom I now have to love and serve her, which is very important to me. We would then not have a real marriage.

    -- Ken
    --

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    1. I'd be interested to hear more about your thoughts about the bible related to your relationship.

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    2. Ken, thanks for the comment. I welcome your company and hope you stop by again. Serving Ellie took the words from my mouth. I was curious to know what passages you referenced when speaking to your wife about the scriptures mandate for her to lead. Feel free to respond!

      As to your hope that she won't reverse, I couldn't agree more. I don't think any submissive that has lived this life long enough has that wish - although I'm sure it happens with some. Thanks again for sharing.

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    3. The Bible has much to say on the biblical roles of husbands and wives and I could even write a book on the subject. It's difficult to condense it all. Today, even some experts on marriage are in agreement with the principles of the Scriptures concerning female dominance in the home along with male subordination.

      For example, is anyone familiar with Dr. John Gottman? Back in 02-21-1998 there was an article about him from the Los Angeles Times entitled, “Study’s Advice to Husbands: Accept Wife’s Influence.” Perhaps the article could have been condensed to one sentence, which read as follows:

      “The marriages that did work well all had one thing in common — the husband was willing to give in to the wife.”

      This parallels what we read in the better translations of I Timothy 5:14, which states that wives are to “rule the household” (Revised Standard Version). The original Greek is “oikodespoteo,” meaning just that. And in the original Greek, husbands are NEVER told to rule their wives, but to be as servants -- and "for a servant mere words are not enough -- discipline is needed" (Proverbs 29:19; New Living Translation)!

      The Weymouth version of this same verse in Timothy paraphrases it to read that wives are to “rule in domestic matters.” Husbands, on the other hand, are to take the lead in spiritual matters. Thus husbands and wives are to “submit to one another” (Ephesians 5:21; New Living Translation).

      “Yield to obey each other as you would to Christ” (same verse; New Century version).

      “Place yourself under each others' authority out of respect for Christ” (same verse; Names of God Bible and the God’s Word Translation).

      Do wives have authority over their husbands? According to the apostle Paul they do, for the most accurate translation of I Corinthians 11:10 reads: “Therefore the woman ought to have authority OVER her head” (meaning over her spiritual head, her husband of verse 3) “because of the messengers” (Concordant Literal New Testament).

      In addition to that, Paul writes that a wife has “authority” over her husband’s body in sexual matters (I Corinthians 7:4). “The husband is not in charge of his own body, but his wife is.” Now while it's true that this same verse says that a husband has charge of his wife's body, this is limited by the repeated command for a husband to LOVE his wife. Meaning he must always take HER desires into consideration.

      I hope I haven't been too long. -- Ken

      ...............................

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  4. I don't think I could go back to vanilla my friend. I don't think Mistress K. could either. I would be heartbroken if Mistress K. woke up one day and said she had enough and didn't want to own my submission, my body, my sex anymore.

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    1. You're preaching to the choir friend. It will be a sad day for me if that news ever came out of Katie's mouth. She has assured me on multiple occasions it never will.

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    2. I suppose that we have the distinct advantage of having had an official collaring ceremony on anniversary a year ago, before an officiant, expressing a commitment and devotion. If nothing else, it allowed for a conversation leading up to it that where weren't just "playing house", or otherwise temporarily indulging in some role-play kink.

      I can truly say that our devoted FLM has profoundly, and deeply changed our life and had brought to the surface, as a constant default behavior, a devotion based affection for my wife.

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    3. I know from reading your posts that indeed it has. Thanks for thoughts and btw, isn't it nice to read all of these comments from other men - all having similar comments and thoughts? I find it refreshing!

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    4. Indeed it is nice and refreshing my friend!

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  5. IH,
    My wife and I had a conversation just along these lines two nights ago. We spoke about how neither of us wanted to go back but, maybe more telling we spoke about what if something happened to one or the other of us.
    I told her that I would seek another mistress-wife or I wouldn't remarry. It is that important to me.
    Her answer was not that different from mine, which was reassuring. She stated that she would find another submissive man and would settle for nothing less. She has learned that she comes first and will not give that up. Though she did smile and say she would look for a younger one. LOL
    There is the thing that once we find what works and who we are, there is no other way.
    I am blessed in that my wife is naturally dominant. She had suppressed her true self for a long time. Like many she thought that was what society expected. Only after letting her real self come forward did she become truly loving and content. The thing was, I was looking for that in a kink way. What I found out was, the real her, the real female led marriage that she wanted was (I don't have the words) so, so much better than any fantasy I had.
    So, no, we would never go back. Do I get all I want? Well yes and no. I don't get everything but, I'm not supposed to. Life doesn't work that way. But, when I look at what I am blessed with and allow myself to be content with that abundance, then the answer is a resounding Yes.
    Talk with Katie about your concerns. I have learned to talk to DL about mine, at least some of the time. :) Enjoy what she gives you, what you have together.

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    1. DLsKnight. Good thoughts. ALthough I've never had the 'what kind of woman would I seek should Katie die before me' conversation, I'm certain I would look for one similar to what you'd want to find. There is something truly special in finding a mistress wife. They are a special type of woman and one not found everywhere.

      Thank for sharing!

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  6. My wife pretty much told me there will be no going back. I remember when our FLR started she would thank me for doing the laundry or cleaning the floors every time I did them but now it is something she expects to be done and will maybe say thank you once a month or so.FLR is now are new normal and I think you mentioned it in one of your older post.Our new relationship has brought us much closer as we both agree this is how our marriage is meant to be. Always great hearing from you. R R

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    1. RR, I'm where you are. Do you find the 'only every once in a while thank you's' bothersome or have you come to accept that this is just something you must do? I'm kind of in the middle there - I know it's what I'm expected to do but I do always enjoy a 'thank you' comment.

      I think the fact that your mistress doesn't need to encourage you with 'thank yous' is an indication of your life as it is now as being 'status quo'. Hope you have a relaxing week out there in the corn, wheat and whatever else they grow 'out there' :)

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    2. I think I like the fact that she expects more out of me without all the thank you's. I can tell her confidence has grown over the years and I realize she feels very comfortable leading our marriage and that I am the submissive in the relationship. We both are growing more and more comfortable in our roles as time goes on.I think that her comments being more spread out seem to mean a little more than saying thanks every day.Oh and by the way it was soy beans this year and had an awesome crop. Hope you have s great week as well.RR

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    3. Interesting, I always thank my wife for letting me serve her. "Thank you for letting me give you a hot stone massage" or "Thank you for letting me clean your house" and she simply says "You're welcome."

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  7. As an adjunct to my previous comment ... Mistress K and I were at a wedding last night. Aside from the Groom, we didn't know a soul. As such, we ha plenty of time to talk. We talked about this very topic as coincidence would have it. Mistress made the point that since it was me that brought "this to her", if something were to happen to me, she wouldn't look for a submissiveness in another relationship. She feels that what we have together is special and unique to us and went on to say that the dominance that she is afforded in our marriage is unique to our marriage. She doesn't feel the need nor the desire to be dominant in other aspects of her life. When she asked me if I would seek a dominant woman should something (God forbid) ever happen to her ... I paused long enough for her to believe that I would.

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    1. Ship, your comment is interesting because it gets to an underlying point that you're submissive relationship is more important/necessary for you then her dominant/mistress status is to her.

      Maybe what you're saying addresses is a bigger phenomenon in that man indeed are the needier/insecure gender.

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    2. IH, I'll be honest ... My initial reaction to her comment was not good because I went right to "oh, so you're just faking it huh?", which of course is silly. I've always felt that men in general (an in particular me) are much needier and far more insecure that women, in general.

      Look at the big brain on IH. Stud!

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  8. Baby, this was another excellent post. As difficult as it is to make the transition to femdom, it is even more difficult to go backward. For us it is really about the intimacy. So many marriages have a tendency to go flat after the first few years. By this I mean couples tend to take each other for granted. After a few years together many couples no longer know how to communicate. This is what happened with John and I. In our own way each of us was lonely. We didn't realize it until the children were out of the house. This is when John made the decision to search out a dominatrix.

    What I now understand is that John's decision to search out a dominatrix was as much my fault as his. If we had been communicating with each other he would have felt secure in telling me about his needs. In a terrible sense we lived alone in the same house. We ate together, we slept together, but we were alone.

    What has changed for us is that we communicate. We talk about everything that matters in our lives.
    We are intimate in ways that most couples are not. John is attentive to me in ways that even younger husbands are not. And yes, there are challenges. Everyday it is important to remind John that he belongs to me.

    At the end of the day when we kiss good night it is for real. Our lives, the good and the bad, are shared. Where there is true intimacy between a man and a woman there is true love. Without intimacy there is only sex. As you grow older intimacy becomes more important than sex. This I believe is why so many men turn to femdom as they grow older.

    Kathy





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    1. Kathy,
      You know I always love when you stop by and post something for the rest of us to think about. Your comment made me think about the level of communication Katie and I share now that the novelty of our mistress/submissive relationship is no longer new. As with every other relational style it takes purpose and effort to maintain communication. Maybe that is the intentionality that I referred to in the post.

      I think it's good for all of us to remember that regardless of our roles within a relationship it's important to not just think of ourselves at the expense of our partner. To do so puts us right back with all of the other couples that are struggling to sustain a marriage that is less then healthy.

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  9. Hello I'm Hers
    Great post, and the comments have been very interesting too. I've done a follow up post on my blog and linked here.
    Regards
    RA

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    1. Thanks RA,
      I will check out what you have to say on the subject.

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  10. Thanks for such a thoughtful post. I hope you never give up this blog. While I rarely comment on any site, your site helps me better understand what my partner is going through since he must sacrifice considerable to have our female led relationship. Hearing from a devoted husband who is submissive to your Queen helps me understand my wonderful mate. You also corresponded with him and helped him accept his submissive side better. Talking with a few other submissive men to their wives helped him considerably and decreased my need to truly punish him. Thank you

    Ironically, while much of our approach was my idea, having me control his climax was his initial idea. Yet, he learned the reality was much tougher than he had thought and tried to back out. I love this approach too much to allow that. We struggled considerably at first. He didn't accept my control (although he initially wanted me to have it) and I felt guilt, especially when he had pleased me so many times without any release himself. I used to give him release normally after 7-10 days; going two weeks was a long time. Normally he must go a month or longer now. Obedience training, punishment and the encouragement of some women I know helped me/us considerably. And I do think gaining support of other submissive men who learned to deal with not having such reliance on such a small part of your body helped him learn to accept my leadership and decisions even on what used to be a daily selfish activity.

    Thanks for plugging away and sharing your thoughts and the value of your focus on the woman you love. I think it probably helps more than just my mate.

    Rachel

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    1. Rachel,
      Thanks for such encouraging words. I do remember your mate and always enjoyed hearing from him. You know, to be honest, when I wrote I felt as if I wrote mostly boring 'stuff' while his emails were filled with stories and experiences that often wow'ed me! Please pass on a 'hello' to him for me.

      You know, you wrote - as did a few others privately - at a time when I was considering stopping the blog. I just had nothing in my thoughts that I felt were helpful. I can't imagine there is more new topics to explore as I must have 300 or so posts up by now. But I do want to continue. I find it enjoyable and love hearing what overs have to say on a topic.

      But do me a favor..... don't make this comment your last. Comments from others fuel ideas and make for the substance of future posts. Thanks again Rachel!

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  11. "It's important to not want to rebel, slack off in our duties, sulk or complain. It's important to not envy the freedom our male friends have."
    I'm Hers,
    I was not sure I could add much to the conversation except to say that I could go back if I had to, but I would not be as happy. But what you said got me thinking that I used to envy some male friends in the beginning, simply because they could do things that I couldn't, or that I had to ask my wife permission to do. I also tried to somewhat to reverse myself in a couple of areas. One area related to orgasm denial (which I brought up initially), and I tended to try to make my wife feel guilty or to make deals with her about it. Another area was in reversing some of the financial control that was imposed. But I wanted my wife to be in charge, and she was dominant enough to see me through the process. Now my orgasms are rare (very), but they are a small part of being a submissive husband and enjoying the role. I still get an allowance and spending limits, and my wife sets them. It would be tough not to want a dominant woman if I found myself alone.
    FL

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    1. "Now my orgasms are rare (very), but they are a small part of being a submissive husband and enjoying the role. "

      I think the latter part of your statement is so true - that the sexual part is a small part to the total package of submission. Although I believe it is a vital one. Thanks for stopping by FL - you know, I associate you as living in Florida whenever I see your signature. Just had to let you know :)

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    2. I'm Hers,
      You are correct in that the sexual component is vital to submissive relationship, at least it is to me. It is the 'surrendered man's sexual abilities under the control of his wife' aspect of it that can put, or keep, me in submissive space. I think having one's orgasms under the control of, or being denied by, another is not easy but adds a strong erotic element to the relationship. It sounds one sided but evolves into something both people enjoy. As for the initials, it is not Florida (instead in the northeast) but I see why you make the association.
      FL

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  12. I have to answer, sadly, as one who lived in an flr for 4 years. After this, for a variety of reason, my wife stopped. That's is now over 4 years ago.

    We still have never reached those heights of intimacy, and there is an ache of loss in me always.

    Turned out I can't go back, she could.

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    1. That's a truly sad story MyKey. I'm sorry. I don't know exactly how I would handle that situation if I were in it.

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    2. MyKey, I have to echo sub hub's comment. I am so sorry to hear that your spouse gave up what you two once had. You must have an aching void in your heart. I hope you are able to move on without resentment and love her for the woman she is - even if she no longer serves as your Mistress.

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  13. Thanks guys.

    Yes I love her still as much as I did. But it took a long time not to resent her to be honest. And she and I both realise that we aren't as intimate as we were. Wasn't an easy transition!

    In the end she wasn't dominant enough to want to continue. Was that simple. She's still kinky, but the control part, that as a sub is such a warm cocoon, isn't there.

    Anyway water under the bridge. We are still a happy family.

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  14. i think we could go back, but it would feel funny, for sure. Interesting about how we've been molded by decades (about the same age) of how we grew up, until it changed. Can't say it doesn't feel right. Heck, i'd even miss the spankings, lol sara e

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