Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Flip Side

One asked, “What’s life like for a Mistress?”

“Ah,” the newly submissive guy answers, “she makes me strip naked and work, doing her bidding, like a slave, from dawn until long after she’s fallen asleep.”

“And what does she do while you slave away?”

“Nothing of course. She doesn't have to do anything now. I do it all. I think she watches TV.

"Don't you ever see her?"

Yes! But only for awhile, between my cleaning, dusting and errands. But each evening she allows me the privilege of massaging her feet and licking the lint from between her  sweaty toes."

“But she does nothing? All day long she just hangs out with nothing to do?”

“Of course! Why should she lift a finger? After all, she owns me and I’m here to tend to her every want and desire. I do it all so she needn’t do anything.”

“So, what kind of relationship do you two share while you live your separate lives, you know, with you working and she lying on an overstuffed chair watching TV all day?”

The sub sits thinking, struggling how to answer. “Relationship?" He finally asks rhetorically. "I work. She doesn't. Isn’t that enough?”

“And what value in her new life does she now have now that she has nothing to do?”

Again, the submissive ponders silently, this time not responding as he realizes for the first time the hidden emptiness they've created with their newly established relationship that has produced such a chasm between himself and the woman he now serves.


I wanted to write on this topic because I believe outsiders who examine the possibilities of living this lifestyle do so without really understanding the overarching goal that permeates every aspect of a healthy femdom marriage.

Too often the novice comes away, after spending hours on the web and only finding the predominant crap of fake-boobed-leather clad babes with whips that this is what it's about when that fantasy is completely opposite what characterizes enduring femdom marriages. Those sites may appeal to a man’s kink but in reality it portrays a lifestile that cannot and will not last and is completely foreign to what women desire.  Ms. Kathy stated that at the heart of what women desire is intimacy – that sometimes indefinable closeness that can only come from time spent together sharing life with that most special person.

The fallacy perpetrated on too many such websites is the misconception that a man desires working hours alone and apart from the woman he so wishes to serve while she sits complacently day after day never engaged with him - the man she loves.  Additionally it implies men want to be whipped, punished, tortured, and brought to tears by liposuctioned babes with 38K boobs and Barbie-like figures. Really? I mean, do guys really wanti their nuts stepped on 24/7? Who in their right mind would wish for that kind of life? Count me out!

I first thought of writing on this topic when Katie informed me she wanted to get the grass mowed while I was away at work. Yes, Katie mows the yard – by hand – with some of the ‘push’ being up a hill – both ways! A good hour later she’ll finish all sweaty and tired but feeling pleased with how the yard looks and how she feels knowing she got a good workout. Often she will insist to mow while I use the weed-whacker to trim. She’ll have the more physically demanding job but it’s what she wants and I know better than to argue. 

Just yesterday she asked me what foods we were running low on. She needed to shop for personal reasons and while out informed me she’d get those items. It only made sense to combine two trips into one, and so she did. While I was at work, she got online and on the phone paying various bills. She gets up before me a few days a week. Yes, she lets me sleep in on days when our granddaughter arrives at O-dark-thirty in the morning and she’ll care for her for some eleven hours when a parent arrives to take her home. I know there’s been occasions when she wished she could take a day off but I know she never will. Often I’ll come home and see the kitchen tidied with the mark of her meticulous hand rather than my ‘it’s good enough’ one.  Other times she’ll call to tell me she bathed the dog; not the easiest of tasks to do alone. And on and on I could go.

Yes, she organizes our outings, maintains her charge of me, enjoys time out with girlfriends and eats out far more often than I, but she does so knowing I’m away at work and can do things without deliberately leaving me to do so. But whenever I’m home she’ll fret endlessly about leaving me to do something that will cause us to be apart.

Why is that? I mean, isn’t she my mistress? Of course she is. Doesn’t that mean she can do whatever she wants? Yes it does, but the more complete answer is she desires to do things WITH me, not without. She’ll run errands while I’m away so we’re free to do things together. On those mornings when she’s not babysitting she loves sleeping in so we can  so we can cuddle and I’m fortunate enough to be able to modify my workday so as to accommodate her. On those mornings when the little one comes I’m told to sleep in because she wants me alert during my lengthy drive to and from work. She mows because she wants the exercise, not because she loves pushing a mower in the hot summer sun. She pays bills because she has the time, because she manages our finances, and because she’s good at it.

At no time does she go easy on me because she believes I’m her equal. We both know who’s in charge and doesn't need to humble me to heighten her status. She understands value and contentment come by being occupied, engaging in meaningful relationships and enjoying life’s simple pleasures like playing Peppa Pig with a two year old. Life needn’t be one continuous vacation trip. One needn’t be wealthy to live a full and satisfied life. That happens via being content, feeling loved and valued and living a purpose driven life - which can only happen when she spends time with others and her most loved friend - me!. We need to create together-time, not apart-time.

Saturday mornings are spent with me doing chores. I try to do them as quickly and efficiently as possible. This Saturday we’ll probably spend a good portion of the day working around the house but we will do it together. We’ll work; we’ll converse; we’ll sweat; we’ll laugh; all while we take care of the mundane responsibilities of keeping up with whatever needs doing around the house.

The end goal of whatever we do is spending time together. We entered into a D/s relationship because we wanted closeness and thought this way of relating might produce that. As it turned out, it did. Personally, I’m pretty lazy. Give me a laptop and a TV and I can waste an entire week playing computer games, watching sports and browsing endlessly both the web and TV channels.  I don’t do chores because I love work. I do chores because I love Katie. I'm not employed because I love money. I maintain my job because I must. As soon as I can retire you bet I will. Why? Because then I get to spend all of my time with the woman I love.

Yes, femdom is about intimacy. It’s about creating a healthy happy intimate marriage. It’s about spending time with Katie. It's about sharing life. It's about having fun in the bedroom and all that that entails but that has more to do with the overriding desire to be close than  anything else. One can’t have great sex if one isn’t completely in love with the one with whom they are sharing. My chores, her shopping, my obedience, her leadership, my helpfulness, her caring…. It all points to one specific source – love.  I love Katie. Katie loves me. We maintain our love by sharing our lives together. I hope, if you’re new to dominance and submission – from whatever way you are approaching this relational dynamic – that you can see the why behind the what. It’s about closeness. It’s always been about closeness.

I'm Hers

Friday, November 13, 2015

It's OK to Try

I had a friend who would often say "if all you have in your toolbox is a hammer, then everything is going to look like a nail". His point being we are limited by what we know and understand about the world around us. For example, if I feel a vibration coming from one of my front tires my limited mechanical mind only thinks a tire is out of balance when they're could multiple other issues going on in that part of the car. But because I don't know the makeup of the front axle, the hub, tires, struts, bearings and who knows what else is there, I can't begin to think like a mechanic. They understand the structure and function of that stuff. They have more 'tools in their box' and therefore look at things very different. I also don’t understand how computers work. If control, alt, delete doesn’t fix the problem, I’m pretty much lost. I have that one tool to deal with the complexities of my laptop. My computer-geek son has way more and often groans when I call to get advice.

When Katie and I decided to transition from our ‘normal’ relationship to a female led one things suddenly became quite awkward. We intentionally violated the principles upon which we had been taught. Men were expected to take charge. Women were to cook and maintained the kitchen. Men were the primary breadwinners. Women reared the children, etc.
We both grew up in traditional homes where those values were instilled from as far back as we knew. Now we found ourselves flipping our relationship upside down. Katie now wanted me to cook, and clean and do everything that had to do with food preparation! She wanted to drive our car whenever we went anywhere. She informed me I wasn’t to touch the remote. She suddenly decided when we would make love and then told me it was up to her if or when I'd climax. She told me I'd be doing the wash and whatever else she wanted. She told me that she would handle all of our finances and only give me a small allowance bi-month. It was a lot to swallow and took quite some time for both of us to get comfortable.
For some while we felt as if we were both holding hammers and nothing in life was really looking like a nail. It took time for us to view life as we were living it as being normal – but it did become normal eventually. Katie struggled with telling me her thoughts in a way that wasn't expressed as a question. "Could you get me a glass of wine" took months to morph to "Get me a glass of wine." Taking charge just didn't feel right. She was uncomfortable relaxing in the adjacent room while I spent an hour preparing dinner. She felt the urge to help but also loved knowing she didn’t have to be in there. She wondered if she was messing up my biology by keeping me locked for X number of days but loved the new me that came after days being denied.  But over time, our worldview changed. We came to realize we could enjoy living this way, that we in fact loved it, and it actually brought us even closer than we were previously. But it sure felt different and odd for quite a while.

Making that decision to live with Katie at the helm forced us to wrestle with a new reality. Like the widowed spouse who has to suddenly cope with life without a partner or the college student now living in a dorm free of mom and dad's influence or the newly married couple just returning from their honeymoon, life suddenly changed. In each of those situations (and in ours) life changed from what it had been. The environment was new, the expectations and responsibilities changed, ones role in life changed. That's what Katie and I wrestled with. We were forced to cope with a new reality - but it was only that - something to get use to and it wasn't a bad experience. I liked it and so did Katie. It's why she insists we will never go back - ever.

I receive lots of emails from individuals who are "new to this lifestyle". What they write about is their experience as they come to grips with this new way of relating. Sometimes they express excitement at the possibilities or reservations about those same possibilities. They write because they are not comfortable with where they are, where life is taking them, or where they wish life would take them. They write because they want reassurance or confirmation that what they are doing is OK, even good.
My sense is women are less adventurous when it comes to exploring new things. In the case of a femdom lifestyle, they are not sure if they want to try it or not. Leading and taking full control of him doesn’t feel right. It’s not how they were taught nor is it how their girlfriends relate to their spouses. It seems weird. Having a husband ask them to suddenly take charge when that hasn't been her role, or considering spanking him when the mere thought of it seems completely absurd, to taking complete control of their sexuality, their finances, deciding family outings, and other aspects of their marriage when either he did it all or they made decisions together can feel unsettlingly scary. 
But that doesn't mean it will feel that way forever. There's always a learning curve when we encounter something new and if we put our mind to mastering things, what at first felt uncomfortable eventually becomes normal. My challenge to couples whose marriage is less than ideal; or in which coming home to be together is not a priority anymore is to encourage you to add another tool to your toolbox. Consider adding a wife-led-marriage tool. Consider trying something different, something to make your relationship fresh and fun. After all, isn't the definition of neurosis the act of repeating the same thing over and over but expecting a different result? If you don't change anything, then how can an OK marriage ever become a WOW one? If what you have isn't the best then why are you staying there? Why not try a wife led marriage? If the new reality of being there for a few months doesn't ever feel right, you can always go back. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain and in the process you will at the very least learn how to communicate once more. I can guarantee that will happen.
I’m Hers

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Reaching Steady State

For the past while I’ve not had lots of thoughts to write down. Nothing new is happening here at home. There have been no real changes instituted by Katie – in fact there’s been nothing new that she’s put into place in months.  We live as a married couple with ‘an understanding’ albeit dominant/submissive one. As a result I can’t write posts like Serving Ellie can. His life is in a state of flux. Mine isn’t. But that’s OK I guess.

I mean, won’t every relationship reach this point where both dominant and submissive alike have come to a steady state in their relationship sooner or later? Won’t all relationships eventually come to an understanding as to what one can or can’t do - where they know what is expected of them, where their boundaries lie, etc.?  It’s taken us some time to get to this point but we’ve definitely arrived. It’s been years though getting here. Katie has found her zone where she feels comfortable. As her submissive I’ve subsequently conformed to those parameters. Where we are isn’t where I thought it would be and I would dare say Katie would say the same.  She probably believed she’d end up being a bitch wife – or at least that’s what she feared she might become, and I thought she’d be less lenient in her leadership and more demanding of my time.

Although there are times when I wish she were more akin to my fantasy there are just as many occasions when I’m thankful she isn’t. For example, Mr. Ellie noted how his wife admonished him for touching her in a provocative way, informing him he is no longer permitted to do whatever he did.  When I read his remark, my heart sank. “What a bummer for him,” I thought.  I love touching Katie and am so glad she hasn’t taken a similar approach with me – and you can bet you last dollar I didn’t read Mr. Ellie’s post to her. Best to let sleeping dogs lie :).

Katie is who she is and really when I think about the pre-femdom Katie, she is virtually no different. Oh there are the things around the house she doesn’t do anymore but that’s just stuff differences. It’s not a character change. Mostly she’s still the same person underneath all her beautiful outside. She has the same interests, the same passions, the same desires, the same goals. What has changed is her confidence and understanding that she’s in charge of me and of us.  But that’s what I wanted and what she wanted. It’s why we decided to live this way in the first place. I needed a leader and one to serve and she wanted a life of freedom and one devoid of doing some of those drudging chores.  I think she also wanted a man that whose thoughts and time revolved around her rather than off somewhere else.

So here we are. What we live is the life I assume she wants us to live. I don’t expect changes and doubt there will be any in the days ahead. If you are new to this lifestyle I’m sure you can identify with posts I’ve written some months ago. That’s when I was where you are. It’s where Mr. Ellie is, if you read his blog. But if you’ve been at a steady state for some while you can identify with the realization I’m coming to grips with. It’s one Ms. Cathy from femdom 101 has long ago reached. All of us are somewhere along that continuum yet we all live under this common roof. It’s one in which the power differential is evident to all who care to really take a look at our marriages.  Hopefully its also a place where our marriages are characterized as healthy and loving.

I welcome your thoughts,

I’m Hers