Friday, November 13, 2015

It's OK to Try

I had a friend who would often say "if all you have in your toolbox is a hammer, then everything is going to look like a nail". His point being we are limited by what we know and understand about the world around us. For example, if I feel a vibration coming from one of my front tires my limited mechanical mind only thinks a tire is out of balance when they're could multiple other issues going on in that part of the car. But because I don't know the makeup of the front axle, the hub, tires, struts, bearings and who knows what else is there, I can't begin to think like a mechanic. They understand the structure and function of that stuff. They have more 'tools in their box' and therefore look at things very different. I also don’t understand how computers work. If control, alt, delete doesn’t fix the problem, I’m pretty much lost. I have that one tool to deal with the complexities of my laptop. My computer-geek son has way more and often groans when I call to get advice.

When Katie and I decided to transition from our ‘normal’ relationship to a female led one things suddenly became quite awkward. We intentionally violated the principles upon which we had been taught. Men were expected to take charge. Women were to cook and maintained the kitchen. Men were the primary breadwinners. Women reared the children, etc.
We both grew up in traditional homes where those values were instilled from as far back as we knew. Now we found ourselves flipping our relationship upside down. Katie now wanted me to cook, and clean and do everything that had to do with food preparation! She wanted to drive our car whenever we went anywhere. She informed me I wasn’t to touch the remote. She suddenly decided when we would make love and then told me it was up to her if or when I'd climax. She told me I'd be doing the wash and whatever else she wanted. She told me that she would handle all of our finances and only give me a small allowance bi-month. It was a lot to swallow and took quite some time for both of us to get comfortable.
For some while we felt as if we were both holding hammers and nothing in life was really looking like a nail. It took time for us to view life as we were living it as being normal – but it did become normal eventually. Katie struggled with telling me her thoughts in a way that wasn't expressed as a question. "Could you get me a glass of wine" took months to morph to "Get me a glass of wine." Taking charge just didn't feel right. She was uncomfortable relaxing in the adjacent room while I spent an hour preparing dinner. She felt the urge to help but also loved knowing she didn’t have to be in there. She wondered if she was messing up my biology by keeping me locked for X number of days but loved the new me that came after days being denied.  But over time, our worldview changed. We came to realize we could enjoy living this way, that we in fact loved it, and it actually brought us even closer than we were previously. But it sure felt different and odd for quite a while.

Making that decision to live with Katie at the helm forced us to wrestle with a new reality. Like the widowed spouse who has to suddenly cope with life without a partner or the college student now living in a dorm free of mom and dad's influence or the newly married couple just returning from their honeymoon, life suddenly changed. In each of those situations (and in ours) life changed from what it had been. The environment was new, the expectations and responsibilities changed, ones role in life changed. That's what Katie and I wrestled with. We were forced to cope with a new reality - but it was only that - something to get use to and it wasn't a bad experience. I liked it and so did Katie. It's why she insists we will never go back - ever.

I receive lots of emails from individuals who are "new to this lifestyle". What they write about is their experience as they come to grips with this new way of relating. Sometimes they express excitement at the possibilities or reservations about those same possibilities. They write because they are not comfortable with where they are, where life is taking them, or where they wish life would take them. They write because they want reassurance or confirmation that what they are doing is OK, even good.
My sense is women are less adventurous when it comes to exploring new things. In the case of a femdom lifestyle, they are not sure if they want to try it or not. Leading and taking full control of him doesn’t feel right. It’s not how they were taught nor is it how their girlfriends relate to their spouses. It seems weird. Having a husband ask them to suddenly take charge when that hasn't been her role, or considering spanking him when the mere thought of it seems completely absurd, to taking complete control of their sexuality, their finances, deciding family outings, and other aspects of their marriage when either he did it all or they made decisions together can feel unsettlingly scary. 
But that doesn't mean it will feel that way forever. There's always a learning curve when we encounter something new and if we put our mind to mastering things, what at first felt uncomfortable eventually becomes normal. My challenge to couples whose marriage is less than ideal; or in which coming home to be together is not a priority anymore is to encourage you to add another tool to your toolbox. Consider adding a wife-led-marriage tool. Consider trying something different, something to make your relationship fresh and fun. After all, isn't the definition of neurosis the act of repeating the same thing over and over but expecting a different result? If you don't change anything, then how can an OK marriage ever become a WOW one? If what you have isn't the best then why are you staying there? Why not try a wife led marriage? If the new reality of being there for a few months doesn't ever feel right, you can always go back. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain and in the process you will at the very least learn how to communicate once more. I can guarantee that will happen.
I’m Hers


  1. Thank you for writing. My Wife and i are part-way there. Appreciate hearing your thoughts. She'll drive and decide important things, and has full control over when (and how!) we have sex. The remote and cooking/cleaning...well, we share (for now, lol!) sara elise

  2. Thank you,
    This assurance that it's "ok" to be like this is just what I am looking for.
    The other thing that I wonder is, is this "wife led marriage" a long term thing or just a short run of excitement? Is it sustainable? At this point in our relationship I do hope that it is since I agree that I don't want to go back.

  3. as always another great post.I think I've said before we have a lot in common with our WLR .I think I've already seen changes in marriages now from when I was younger such as Dad always came home from work dinner was ready and my Mom would take it to him in front of the tv in his favorite chair .Back then they didn't have remotes yet so he would tell her or one of us kids to change the channel of course there were only 3 channels so it didn't take to long. That's sorta how I grew up with Dad being the head of the household and really didn't know of any other way. When I got married I felt I was suppose to make all the big decisions just because I was the man of the house but it just didn't feel right. My wife is a strong willed women and smart with great with handling money and problem solving so when I came across some books on FLR I knew the minute I read the first chapter this was made for us. I make a better supportive husband than one who leads and this is something I'm proud of and my wife is awesome leader in our marriage .The bond between us as well as the intimacy has become so much closer all because we were willing to give it a try. It's changed our marriage and keeps it fresh in so many ways. So I agree with you give it a chance you can always go back but I bet you won't. RR

  4. We are approaching the first anniversary of adopting a WLM and a lot of the questions and challenges you mention have been encountered and worked through. Whilst we have some way to go, the change is everything we wanted it to be and echos your words in the benefits. Now I've got to get back to the ironing.

  5. Glad to hear that things are going well and that you are getting there together.

    At all Times