Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Reaching Steady State

For the past while I’ve not had lots of thoughts to write down. Nothing new is happening here at home. There have been no real changes instituted by Katie – in fact there’s been nothing new that she’s put into place in months.  We live as a married couple with ‘an understanding’ albeit dominant/submissive one. As a result I can’t write posts like Serving Ellie can. His life is in a state of flux. Mine isn’t. But that’s OK I guess.

I mean, won’t every relationship reach this point where both dominant and submissive alike have come to a steady state in their relationship sooner or later? Won’t all relationships eventually come to an understanding as to what one can or can’t do - where they know what is expected of them, where their boundaries lie, etc.?  It’s taken us some time to get to this point but we’ve definitely arrived. It’s been years though getting here. Katie has found her zone where she feels comfortable. As her submissive I’ve subsequently conformed to those parameters. Where we are isn’t where I thought it would be and I would dare say Katie would say the same.  She probably believed she’d end up being a bitch wife – or at least that’s what she feared she might become, and I thought she’d be less lenient in her leadership and more demanding of my time.

Although there are times when I wish she were more akin to my fantasy there are just as many occasions when I’m thankful she isn’t. For example, Mr. Ellie noted how his wife admonished him for touching her in a provocative way, informing him he is no longer permitted to do whatever he did.  When I read his remark, my heart sank. “What a bummer for him,” I thought.  I love touching Katie and am so glad she hasn’t taken a similar approach with me – and you can bet you last dollar I didn’t read Mr. Ellie’s post to her. Best to let sleeping dogs lie :).

Katie is who she is and really when I think about the pre-femdom Katie, she is virtually no different. Oh there are the things around the house she doesn’t do anymore but that’s just stuff differences. It’s not a character change. Mostly she’s still the same person underneath all her beautiful outside. She has the same interests, the same passions, the same desires, the same goals. What has changed is her confidence and understanding that she’s in charge of me and of us.  But that’s what I wanted and what she wanted. It’s why we decided to live this way in the first place. I needed a leader and one to serve and she wanted a life of freedom and one devoid of doing some of those drudging chores.  I think she also wanted a man that whose thoughts and time revolved around her rather than off somewhere else.

So here we are. What we live is the life I assume she wants us to live. I don’t expect changes and doubt there will be any in the days ahead. If you are new to this lifestyle I’m sure you can identify with posts I’ve written some months ago. That’s when I was where you are. It’s where Mr. Ellie is, if you read his blog. But if you’ve been at a steady state for some while you can identify with the realization I’m coming to grips with. It’s one Ms. Cathy from femdom 101 has long ago reached. All of us are somewhere along that continuum yet we all live under this common roof. It’s one in which the power differential is evident to all who care to really take a look at our marriages.  Hopefully its also a place where our marriages are characterized as healthy and loving.

I welcome your thoughts,

I’m Hers


  1. I have to agree with you in that we do find that 'steady state' after a period of time of adjustment and learning. In fact I think we seek this out so we don't have to change. But without change we stop growing and adapting.

    There is an underlying challenge that then presents itself, how do you prevent the 'steady state' leading to complacency or worse neglect?

    Is there really nothing further that can be worked or improved on? Have you really reached the zenith? I'm not saying that you haven't reached that point, but if you stop now, what could you be missing out on?

  2. I understand how you feel I think you and I both began our WLR about the same time mine is going on 5 years. There is a point in every relationship where things seem to level out but with our WLR we both seem to keep it fresh be it notes in the mornings that I'll leave her or a text from her telling me that she appreciates all the things I do for her.I find now that my wife is more open about our WLM as our daughter ,her sister and her two daughters both are aware which makes me proud that she is willing to share our relationship with others in a positive way.So there always seems to be something new a least for us just takes a little work and love mix the two together and it always comes out great.I always look forward to your posts.RR

  3. IH, your sage words have once again prompted intelligent discussion among us married, submissive brothers, and other to follow I suppose. My thoughts are .... I totally get what you are saying about steady state. It is something different, something better than a complacent state, or a mundane state of familiarity. For me, it is the comfort that comes as a benefit from the experiences and effort that Mistress K. and I have thus far in our journey.

    Like any relationship, this is arguably a point where many relationships fall into the complacent state, which leads to all kinds of bad things, but there is just something different about a FLM (or any "true" D/s relationship) that reduces the chances of things going stale.

    Rituals and rules for example. When Mistress K. and I began our FLM, we discussed the future benefits that would come along with standing rules that we have/will have in our house. Things such as my requiring to be naked when we are along together, without being told. Am I always naked when we are together? No, but the default is that I am naked and if Mistress K. wants me clothed, then I am told to put clothes on.

    I believe ours is a journey and as such, I often wonder what destinations we will reach and what we will find when we get there. Mistress K. will be the Captain and together we will draw the charts, but I am so very excited to see where evolution takes us. Excited and sometimes a bit nervous.

    Excellent post as always my friend. Keep up the good work. There are all these young, eager to learn submissive husbands out there that are dying for your words of wisdom each time they come out. So am I.

  4. DtBHC, RR and SHIP,
    Thanks guys for sharing thoughts. You all echoed one common thought - that steady state doesnt' equate with a complacent state - one which lacks the 'life' of a new relationship, I agree and I guess the challenge becomes a new one. One in which there needs to be an avoidance of falling back, loosing touch, forgetting what we had, etc and instead doing things to keep things alive and fresh. Let's hope we all can keep meeting that challenge and enjoy our spouses to the fullest!

    1. IH, a mutually-assured, constant-state-of-desire fueled existence for growth of a relationship and a deepening of love and desire for one another. This is one of the things I think our respective versions of FLM's automatically give to us, which is one of the hardest things to explain to people not lucky enough to have discovered our way of life.

    2. Couldn't agree more. And it is so difficult to explain how it manifests that constant desire.

  5. I think its interesting that those who have been doing this for years sort of lament the early days when there was a greater level of excitement for the new experiences. And those of us who are newer at it sort of long for the kind of relationship we read about on many of your blogs where our partner understands our needs and is willing and able to meet us there. Seems like the one constant is that no one is satisfied. I know that's over generalizing the situation, but I don't think that all bad. Like was mentioned above, complacency is a passion killer in any marriage and FLM is no different in that regard. For me though I'm trying to focus on living satisfied where I am for now and not have so many expectations. They tend to cause problems and I just want to live in the space that I am very lucky to have a wife who is willing to explore with me, however that ends up looking.

    1. How true it is that we always want what others have or what we are denied. Maybe it's human nature to want 'more'. Maybe the newby's are anxious because they want more and don't know where 'more' will stop while the oldies wish there was more when there is no more 'more' to be gotten.
      Like you and others stated, its the complacency that kills relationships. Pray you, I and others can avoid that. Btw, I'm loving the way Ms Ellie has been so active in asserting her dominance. You have a great woman. Be grateful!