Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Flip Side

One asked, “What’s life like for a Mistress?”

“Ah,” the newly submissive guy answers, “she makes me strip naked and work, doing her bidding, like a slave, from dawn until long after she’s fallen asleep.”

“And what does she do while you slave away?”

“Nothing of course. She doesn't have to do anything now. I do it all. I think she watches TV.

"Don't you ever see her?"

Yes! But only for awhile, between my cleaning, dusting and errands. But each evening she allows me the privilege of massaging her feet and licking the lint from between her  sweaty toes."

“But she does nothing? All day long she just hangs out with nothing to do?”

“Of course! Why should she lift a finger? After all, she owns me and I’m here to tend to her every want and desire. I do it all so she needn’t do anything.”

“So, what kind of relationship do you two share while you live your separate lives, you know, with you working and she lying on an overstuffed chair watching TV all day?”

The sub sits thinking, struggling how to answer. “Relationship?" He finally asks rhetorically. "I work. She doesn't. Isn’t that enough?”

“And what value in her new life does she now have now that she has nothing to do?”

Again, the submissive ponders silently, this time not responding as he realizes for the first time the hidden emptiness they've created with their newly established relationship that has produced such a chasm between himself and the woman he now serves.


I wanted to write on this topic because I believe outsiders who examine the possibilities of living this lifestyle do so without really understanding the overarching goal that permeates every aspect of a healthy femdom marriage.

Too often the novice comes away, after spending hours on the web and only finding the predominant crap of fake-boobed-leather clad babes with whips that this is what it's about when that fantasy is completely opposite what characterizes enduring femdom marriages. Those sites may appeal to a man’s kink but in reality it portrays a lifestile that cannot and will not last and is completely foreign to what women desire.  Ms. Kathy stated that at the heart of what women desire is intimacy – that sometimes indefinable closeness that can only come from time spent together sharing life with that most special person.

The fallacy perpetrated on too many such websites is the misconception that a man desires working hours alone and apart from the woman he so wishes to serve while she sits complacently day after day never engaged with him - the man she loves.  Additionally it implies men want to be whipped, punished, tortured, and brought to tears by liposuctioned babes with 38K boobs and Barbie-like figures. Really? I mean, do guys really wanti their nuts stepped on 24/7? Who in their right mind would wish for that kind of life? Count me out!

I first thought of writing on this topic when Katie informed me she wanted to get the grass mowed while I was away at work. Yes, Katie mows the yard – by hand – with some of the ‘push’ being up a hill – both ways! A good hour later she’ll finish all sweaty and tired but feeling pleased with how the yard looks and how she feels knowing she got a good workout. Often she will insist to mow while I use the weed-whacker to trim. She’ll have the more physically demanding job but it’s what she wants and I know better than to argue. 

Just yesterday she asked me what foods we were running low on. She needed to shop for personal reasons and while out informed me she’d get those items. It only made sense to combine two trips into one, and so she did. While I was at work, she got online and on the phone paying various bills. She gets up before me a few days a week. Yes, she lets me sleep in on days when our granddaughter arrives at O-dark-thirty in the morning and she’ll care for her for some eleven hours when a parent arrives to take her home. I know there’s been occasions when she wished she could take a day off but I know she never will. Often I’ll come home and see the kitchen tidied with the mark of her meticulous hand rather than my ‘it’s good enough’ one.  Other times she’ll call to tell me she bathed the dog; not the easiest of tasks to do alone. And on and on I could go.

Yes, she organizes our outings, maintains her charge of me, enjoys time out with girlfriends and eats out far more often than I, but she does so knowing I’m away at work and can do things without deliberately leaving me to do so. But whenever I’m home she’ll fret endlessly about leaving me to do something that will cause us to be apart.

Why is that? I mean, isn’t she my mistress? Of course she is. Doesn’t that mean she can do whatever she wants? Yes it does, but the more complete answer is she desires to do things WITH me, not without. She’ll run errands while I’m away so we’re free to do things together. On those mornings when she’s not babysitting she loves sleeping in so we can  so we can cuddle and I’m fortunate enough to be able to modify my workday so as to accommodate her. On those mornings when the little one comes I’m told to sleep in because she wants me alert during my lengthy drive to and from work. She mows because she wants the exercise, not because she loves pushing a mower in the hot summer sun. She pays bills because she has the time, because she manages our finances, and because she’s good at it.

At no time does she go easy on me because she believes I’m her equal. We both know who’s in charge and doesn't need to humble me to heighten her status. She understands value and contentment come by being occupied, engaging in meaningful relationships and enjoying life’s simple pleasures like playing Peppa Pig with a two year old. Life needn’t be one continuous vacation trip. One needn’t be wealthy to live a full and satisfied life. That happens via being content, feeling loved and valued and living a purpose driven life - which can only happen when she spends time with others and her most loved friend - me!. We need to create together-time, not apart-time.

Saturday mornings are spent with me doing chores. I try to do them as quickly and efficiently as possible. This Saturday we’ll probably spend a good portion of the day working around the house but we will do it together. We’ll work; we’ll converse; we’ll sweat; we’ll laugh; all while we take care of the mundane responsibilities of keeping up with whatever needs doing around the house.

The end goal of whatever we do is spending time together. We entered into a D/s relationship because we wanted closeness and thought this way of relating might produce that. As it turned out, it did. Personally, I’m pretty lazy. Give me a laptop and a TV and I can waste an entire week playing computer games, watching sports and browsing endlessly both the web and TV channels.  I don’t do chores because I love work. I do chores because I love Katie. I'm not employed because I love money. I maintain my job because I must. As soon as I can retire you bet I will. Why? Because then I get to spend all of my time with the woman I love.

Yes, femdom is about intimacy. It’s about creating a healthy happy intimate marriage. It’s about spending time with Katie. It's about sharing life. It's about having fun in the bedroom and all that that entails but that has more to do with the overriding desire to be close than  anything else. One can’t have great sex if one isn’t completely in love with the one with whom they are sharing. My chores, her shopping, my obedience, her leadership, my helpfulness, her caring…. It all points to one specific source – love.  I love Katie. Katie loves me. We maintain our love by sharing our lives together. I hope, if you’re new to dominance and submission – from whatever way you are approaching this relational dynamic – that you can see the why behind the what. It’s about closeness. It’s always been about closeness.

I'm Hers


  1. I'm Hers,
    So much of what you relate exists in my marriage. My wife does plenty too. Some of it is out of her desire to do things and some is out of necessity as one person cannot do everything all the time. Just today I enjoyed serving my wife dinner and obediently getting any items she wanted or refilling her glass, and then collecting the plates and glasses while she relaxed. That service is a different kind of intimacy. Our relationship style does mean much more intimacy for us both in and outside the bedroom. I know that if we had the old relationship we did just a few years ago, my wife and I would never share as many moments as we do now.

    1. FL, Glad to have you stop by. Btw, stay warm!!!! Does the sun venture much above the horizon in your neck of the woods? I lived for many years up near the Canadian border and had far more than my fill of snow. With the approach of winter you'll get to deliver many more 'service dinners' and enjoy those simple yet special times of being close both emotionally and physically. Thanks for posting. I do appreciate your thoughts and support

    2. Hi I'm Hers,
      I familiar with Canada and snow having been there may times when I was young and into my teens to visit relatives, but we're not that far north and we've had a nice fall in the northeast. Our property is wooded and has nice old wood roads which are perfect for walking/hiking, even in the winter if the snow is not too high, and we do that together a lot since the boss makes me walk for exercise. But I do look forward to those service dinners and other times my wife and I can spend together. Have a happy holiday.

  2. Thanks for the post! Being less than 6 months into this new lifestyle, it's nice to know that we are actually on the right track in our sharing of life and the responsibilities of life. Sometimes I wondered if we were strange, because we did share life and the mundane things. There are times when she doesn't do anything overtly dominating, but as you said, I know and she knows she is in charge and what she says goes.
    You have done such a service for us by affirming that much of life is normal, even though my goal and role is to serve her fully. Part of her expression of love is not only the exercising of her ownership and authority of me, but also her showing her love by actually functioning with me in a loving - really loving relationship.


    S & K

    1. S & K,
      Thanks for the props! and glad to hear you are learning the ways of your wife. Dominance and control can be one and the same or expressed differently. And in a way, if you know she's in charge, there's no reason for her to 'act dominant'. Wish you two the best!

  3. Thanks I'm Her's, for this post and all the others you've written over the years. This post is why I place your blog above the many others out there. Not that the others are bad, each has it's own signature and there are many happy couples living in a FLR in a variety of ways. The way you and Mistress Katie live best coincides with the way my wife and Queen do and in many ways aspire to.

    Over the last 9 months or so I've been reading your blog from your first entry to the present. The same time period that we were getting our WLM in "order". We've recently made the WLM official and you must know that the example of your and Mistress Katie's marriage that you graciously shared in your blog helped that to happen. Your pleas over the years for women to have an open mind were effective. At least in one case, thank you so much!

    Thanks for indulging my preface I'm Her's, but in reference to this post I cannot concur enough. When hearts come together they don't like being separated. They like to grow together just as yours and Mistress Katie's have. This is the primary goal for me and my wife and Queen. I married a woman 3 years ago who had lost her husband not very long before. He was almost 15 years older than her and had been sickly throughout their entire marriage. They didn't do very many things together as a result. He worked, came home and went to bed while she did everything else including raising a handful of kids. It was rather sad, for all involved.

    Now, her life could not be more different and I've made it the substantial part of my existence to keep those tables turned. We enjoy every minute of our time together whether it's working around the house, shopping and errands, doing things with the kids or partaking of the myriad of special pleasures that only happen behind closed doors when I can truly attend to my Queen. It's life, real life that we live, just as you described. How amazing it when 2 people can join together in a healthy and happy WLM.

    This is a lengthy comment so I'll stop and say thank you again, to you for sharing as you have over the years and especially to Mistress Katie for giving you the freedom to do such.

    Happy Thanksgiving!


    1. sublove, That was one of the nicest posts I've ever received. Thank you! Over the past month or two I've gotten several similar ones, either expressed as posts or as personal emails. Each makes me smile as I can see other couples 'getting' what this is all about. I wish you and your wife nothing but the best. You have a huge responsibility, stepping is as 'dad' to a child who recently lost his biological one. I pray you will have the wisdom to step carefully as you establish that relationship with that child as well as love your wife in a way that meets her desire and longings.
      Happy Thanksgiving!

    2. Thanks for the kind words and well wishes. Life is nothing if not challenging to be sure. Just to clarify, at the time of our marriage it was 5 of her children still at home and one of mine. Ranging in age from 8 (twin boys) to 17. In addition, I had 2 adult children and she 1. Since then 1 child has gone off to college and 2 more including my own biological son are High School seniors now and will be heading for college next fall. So we'll be down to a manageable 3 at that point.

      Your comment of "have the wisdom to step carefully as you establish that relationship" is very graciously received as it has certainly been a challenge, but very much rewarding as well. Which rewards I feel certain will continue on as their mother and I age together.

      Thanks again for the kind words. I can certainly understand that as time moves on and as you've shared in recent posts you might be harder pressed to find something new or titillating to write about. I selfishly hope inspiration will come to you and you will soldier on. I enjoy you writing style. The clarity, simplicity and honesty comes through loud and clear.
      Best wishes to you, Mistress Katie and yours,

  4. Ken, this is beautifully written and so very on spot. Good job.

  5. You touch on the essential difference between a wife led marriage and what I would call the fantasy of femdom.

    I have a lovely but busy life, My sweet elliot works hard. He has to because I have expensive tastes. More to the point, he is a wonderfully driven man and he'd be wasted as a slave whose only interest is serving his mistress. Men can multi-task!

    While we live in the country I have a wonderfully full life combining traditionally womanly arts - baking in particular - with a set of small businesses concerned with fashion and collecting. So my days are full. I can't imagine anything duller than having my husband waiting on me from dawn til bedtime.

    Long before there is a WLM there is a marriage. Ideally between two people who love and respect each other. Ideally where both partners have strong, independent, lives. Yes, I do have the final word. Yes, I do keep elliot in chastity and yes I do regularly discipline him. But that is the icing on an already delicious cake.

  6. Thanks for your perspective! I too appreciate this blog and yet our life is probably more of a traditional Christian marriage with male chastity being the icing on the delicious cake(as you put it) that makes it even better for us both. You have just become a great encouragement to us as we are not alone in this level of participation and that really is a help as we continue to travel on this journey together.

    K & S