Saturday, December 26, 2015
Control. We all want it. We all love having it but it can cause so many issues. Today Katie and I drove through our neighborhood and past a home of a man that had dated one of her girlfriends for some time.
“Too bad that didn’t work out,” I said, “but everyone is entitled to find someone they think compliments them best.”
“I know,” Katie said.
“He had control issues though.”
“Yea, and so did the one before.”
Can you identify? I know I can. I surely had them, wanting to micromanage things to suit my way of thinking. Katie’s girlfriend keeps running into guys she’s interested in that has them too. In the end, it ends up being one of the deal-breaker qualities.
Think to where you were before you became a submissive, or where you are now, if you aren’t. You want things done your way; she wants them done hers. Sometimes you are on the same page. Sometimes you aren’t. What happens when the latter situation arises? In a typical marriage the couple struggles, they discuss, they compromise and a year later, they probably don’t even remember the decision they made. Yet at times those differences serve as sores in our memory and if they happen too often those sores begin to fester, causing negative thoughts that begin the damaging process of causing fractures within the marriage.
I can be an opinionated guy. When I teach it’s my way or the highway. I’m willing to listen but unless the argument is a good one, I don’t budge. After all, they are here to learn from me, not vice versa. When I do my other job I’m the same way. People seek my help and I expect them to do things my way. Yet when I go home I become a different man. I share opinions and thoughts of course but when Katie makes a decision it’s a rare occasion indeed that I’ll question her. I made a conscious decision that it’s just not worth questioning her. If she asks I’ll share thoughts but even then, I’ll often defer and encourage her to do what she wants.
The end result…. We don’t argue. Ever. I end up learning more about how she thinks and understand better what her interests, likes and dislikes are. I end up seeing my wife’s confidence flourish and she, in turn, comes to trust me as her ever present support. We bond and a year later, like you, we've probably both forgotten what decision she made but we haven't caused sores to form. That’s the difference and it's a major difference.
You may have never embraced a wife led marriage and that’s fine. You don’t need to but I encourage you to try stepping back instead of sticking your foot in your mouth the next time a decision needs to be made. Let go for once and let her have things her way. Just try it for a week or a month or a season and see what happens. My guess is if you do she will listen to you with way more interest and respect if your opinions differ. Remember, if you live in the city and hear cars outside your window every day, you end up not really hearing them anymore. It’s the silence that stands out. It’s when something different happens. The same is true with relationships. After a period of time where you’ve come to trust and lean on her without question, she will gain confidence. She’ll change. She’ll respect you more, and should you express a differing opinion she’ll listen.
Think about what you want. Is it more important to eat where you want or go where she does and spend an evening with a happy wife? Is the ball game on TV more important than taking a walk with the kids and her on a Sunday afternoon? I mean, it’s just a ball game. Think big picture. Think about her. Think about what would make her smile, what would make her proud to be married to you. Just let go and trust her. Give up the control thing and see if it results in your marriage taking a turn for the better. I think it will. In a marriage a couple cannot both lead. One needs to step aside. One needs to support. Take the lead and let go. Trust her. I mean, you sought her out and courted her way back when because you saw all those wonderful qualities in her. Well, now’s your chance to rekindle her love – not by doing it your way but by enjoying hers.
Friday, December 11, 2015
I’ve been thinking about this for a long, long time. I am married to a dominant woman who isn’t dominant – and to me that makes perfect sense. Hopefully when I’m through writing it will make sense to you - but first a bit of background.
Katie is a lady who others would describe as being quieter. Although she interacts easily, she will often come home from a social gathering and say things such as, “Mary just talked and talked and talked.” Or, “I know when I go to lunch I’ll hardly get in a word edge-wise with Judy.” Yet she still meets with Judy and she adores Mary and always enjoys the social aspect of her life spent with other women-friends. It’s just she isn’t a ‘life of the party’ kind of a girl.
Katie grew up in a traditional two-parent family home where values modeled traditional male dominated ones. She grew up in a home where those values were displayed and reinforced for many years. And then she left home and went to college…. well I won’t go into all that happened during that period of her life. Let’s just leave it as saying it was best for all that mom and dad weren’t there with her :)
By the time I met Katie, she was who she would always be. Haven’t you ever heard when you were younger not to marry someone because you think you can change them eventually? Well, that’s a pretty true statement. You can’t change people. You just can’t. You might be able to change a person's behavior but that’s not the same as changing who they really are. You can’t make a shy person suddenly become eccentric and vice versa. You can’t make someone who is a visual learner now learn primarily through their tactile senses. Given that, you can’t make a woman with little or no dominant personality traits suddenly become a bossy bitch. It’s not who they are.
As to Katie, well, she isn’t bossy. She’s not eccentric. She’s not outspoken (usually). She’s not into micro-management. She is about hating to cook. She enjoys ironing. She enjoys one-on-one interaction. She loves being a grandmom. She beats me at bowling every time we go (and I hate to lose!). She almost never raises her voice. She’s not a writer but enjoys keeping in touch with close friends via email. She’s always on time. She can only take so many questions from me before she tells me ‘enough’. She likes to be at home. She loves animals. She thinks shrimp is akin to a grub and won’t eat them. She likes this and that, etc. You get the idea. If I exhausted my descriptive list you’d end up getting a thorough picture of who my wife is and what she's like.
With respect to our lifestyle choices, she doesn’t hit me. She doesn’t punish me. She doesn’t like doing scenarios where I’m her slave and she’s my leather-clad mistress. She’s never made me work all day slaving away at some crappy job .I didn’t want to do just to prove the point she could. She doesn’t like hurting me by squeezing or pinching parts of me just to make me cringe.
Gosh, you might say, “then that doesn’t sound very dominant. Your description of her in this blog must be a farce.” Hogwash I say, Shiver me timbers! (I’ve been reading Treasure Island). No, that’s not true. Katie is completely dominant simply because she is in control and I’m not. Let me say that again in case I typed it too quickly for you: Katie is dominant simply because she is in control and I’m not – Period. End of Story. End of Discussion. Shut the TV off and let’s go to bed. Ten-four. Over and out. Got the picture?
I know it sounds anti-climactic if you are just discovering D/s, WLM, FLR or whatever term you wish to call your relationship but it’s the truth. It’s about control, not acting some particular way. Now you might have an outgoing wife that speaks her mind freely and doesn't mind yelling at you. If so, I wouldn’t necessarily say because she’s that way, she’s dominant. Although she more closely fits the stereotypical dominatrix prototype more than Katie she might enjoy nagging but that doesn't make her at all dominant. There’s a difference. I know several wives who complain but don't control.
Think about this. Katie gets all the money I earn and it goes into her bank account. I think I know the password to her checking account but I’m not certain. If I asked she’d probably tell me, but that’s not the point. The point is: we both know she handles our money and I don’t get to choose how it’s spent. Katie decides when we will and won’t be sexually intimate. It’s not like I can’t try but I’ve never yet turned a ‘no’ into a ‘yes’. We are intimate only when she wants. Katie expects me to do certain chores – maybe 5-10 and yet she almost never insists I do certain ones at certain times. Yet if I forget, or neglect one, she’s not going to do it in my stead. She just won’t. She might say, ‘the rug is getting dirty but less likely to say, I want this rug cleaned right now’. She leaves it to me to read between the lines. Her pointing out the dirty rug is her way of being dominant. I get the point and know I need to get the vacuum out sometime soon.
Katie understands all decisions go through her. I can suggest and she often likes my ideas but we both know she’s the one who will decide. Katie chooses (with my input) where we will vacation, where we will go to eat, if we will run errands on this day together, or some other day, maybe alone. We’ll go Christmas shopping together and she’ll often let me choose gifts – if she likes my choices. When we travel to ‘my’ side of the family, she’ll let me do the planning, but she’ll approve or modify my final plan.
You see, we have a marriage and we relate as a couple. We love being together and we love having a shared mutual respect. What's different from many marriages is we know she is the one who holds the power while I’m the one who has relinquished that right. Katie has accepted my gift of submission way more than she’s taken all we have and claimed it for her own. Maybe that’s the better way of describing us. She’s accepted my offer to yield. She hasn’t stepped up on some pedestal and pushed me to my knees. She leads mostly by not acting dominant; by not yelling, demanding, or humiliating ---- even if I’d like her to be that way sometimes ---- if for nothing more than to have a little fun and spice things up. But she won’t. She won’t do that because of my description of who she is and isn’t. It's not her. If she was ‘that’ kind of a person, then I’m sure she’d do ‘those’ kinds of things. But she isn’t. Yet, she still controls. She’s still in charge. She’s still dominant. She admits she owns me. And by virtue of that, I’m her submissive and always will be.
Ladies, you can be yourself. You can be your husbands' mistress and you don't have to be who you aren't. You can be yourself. In fact, you need to be yourself. It's who you are isn't it? There is no need to change the inner you. What you need to do is take control of your life and his. You need to hold him accountable to do those things you need him to do - what you want him to do - nothing more and nothing less.