Saturday, December 26, 2015
Control. We all want it. We all love having it but it can cause so many issues. Today Katie and I drove through our neighborhood and past a home of a man that had dated one of her girlfriends for some time.
“Too bad that didn’t work out,” I said, “but everyone is entitled to find someone they think compliments them best.”
“I know,” Katie said.
“He had control issues though.”
“Yea, and so did the one before.”
Can you identify? I know I can. I surely had them, wanting to micromanage things to suit my way of thinking. Katie’s girlfriend keeps running into guys she’s interested in that has them too. In the end, it ends up being one of the deal-breaker qualities.
Think to where you were before you became a submissive, or where you are now, if you aren’t. You want things done your way; she wants them done hers. Sometimes you are on the same page. Sometimes you aren’t. What happens when the latter situation arises? In a typical marriage the couple struggles, they discuss, they compromise and a year later, they probably don’t even remember the decision they made. Yet at times those differences serve as sores in our memory and if they happen too often those sores begin to fester, causing negative thoughts that begin the damaging process of causing fractures within the marriage.
I can be an opinionated guy. When I teach it’s my way or the highway. I’m willing to listen but unless the argument is a good one, I don’t budge. After all, they are here to learn from me, not vice versa. When I do my other job I’m the same way. People seek my help and I expect them to do things my way. Yet when I go home I become a different man. I share opinions and thoughts of course but when Katie makes a decision it’s a rare occasion indeed that I’ll question her. I made a conscious decision that it’s just not worth questioning her. If she asks I’ll share thoughts but even then, I’ll often defer and encourage her to do what she wants.
The end result…. We don’t argue. Ever. I end up learning more about how she thinks and understand better what her interests, likes and dislikes are. I end up seeing my wife’s confidence flourish and she, in turn, comes to trust me as her ever present support. We bond and a year later, like you, we've probably both forgotten what decision she made but we haven't caused sores to form. That’s the difference and it's a major difference.
You may have never embraced a wife led marriage and that’s fine. You don’t need to but I encourage you to try stepping back instead of sticking your foot in your mouth the next time a decision needs to be made. Let go for once and let her have things her way. Just try it for a week or a month or a season and see what happens. My guess is if you do she will listen to you with way more interest and respect if your opinions differ. Remember, if you live in the city and hear cars outside your window every day, you end up not really hearing them anymore. It’s the silence that stands out. It’s when something different happens. The same is true with relationships. After a period of time where you’ve come to trust and lean on her without question, she will gain confidence. She’ll change. She’ll respect you more, and should you express a differing opinion she’ll listen.
Think about what you want. Is it more important to eat where you want or go where she does and spend an evening with a happy wife? Is the ball game on TV more important than taking a walk with the kids and her on a Sunday afternoon? I mean, it’s just a ball game. Think big picture. Think about her. Think about what would make her smile, what would make her proud to be married to you. Just let go and trust her. Give up the control thing and see if it results in your marriage taking a turn for the better. I think it will. In a marriage a couple cannot both lead. One needs to step aside. One needs to support. Take the lead and let go. Trust her. I mean, you sought her out and courted her way back when because you saw all those wonderful qualities in her. Well, now’s your chance to rekindle her love – not by doing it your way but by enjoying hers.