Saturday, December 26, 2015

Control

Control. We all want it. We all love having it but it can cause so many issues. Today Katie and I drove through our neighborhood and past a home of a man that had dated one of her girlfriends for some time.

“Too bad that didn’t work out,” I said, “but everyone is entitled to find someone they think compliments them best.”

“I know,” Katie said.

“He had control issues though.”

“Yea, and so did the one before.”

Can you identify? I know I can. I surely had them, wanting to micromanage things to suit my way of thinking.  Katie’s girlfriend keeps running into guys she’s interested in that has them too.  In the end, it ends up being one of the deal-breaker qualities.

Think to where you were before you became a submissive, or where you are now, if you aren’t.  You want things done your way; she wants them done hers. Sometimes you are on the same page. Sometimes you aren’t. What happens when the latter situation arises? In a typical marriage the couple struggles, they discuss, they compromise and a year later, they probably don’t even remember the decision they made. Yet at times those differences serve as sores in our memory and if they happen too often those sores begin to fester, causing negative thoughts that begin the damaging process of causing fractures within the marriage.

I can be an opinionated guy. When I teach it’s my way or the highway. I’m willing to listen but unless the argument is a good one, I don’t budge. After all, they are here to learn from me, not vice versa. When I do my other job I’m the same way. People seek my help and I expect them to do things my way. Yet when I go home I become a different man. I share opinions and thoughts of course but when Katie makes a decision it’s a rare occasion indeed that I’ll question her.  I made a conscious decision that it’s just not worth questioning her.  If she asks I’ll share thoughts but even then, I’ll often defer and encourage her to do what she wants. 

The end result…. We don’t argue. Ever. I end up learning more about how she thinks and understand better what her interests, likes and dislikes are. I end up seeing my wife’s confidence flourish and she, in turn, comes to trust me as her ever present support. We bond and a year later, like you, we've probably both forgotten what decision she made but we haven't caused sores to form.  That’s the difference and it's a major difference.

You may have never embraced a wife led marriage and that’s fine. You don’t need to but I encourage you to try stepping back instead of sticking your foot in your mouth the next time a decision needs to be made. Let go for once and let her have things her way.  Just try it for a week or a month or a season and see what happens. My guess is if you do she will listen to you with way more interest and respect if your opinions differ. Remember, if you live in the city and hear cars outside your window every day, you end up not really hearing them anymore. It’s the silence that stands out. It’s when something different happens. The same is true with relationships. After a period of time where you’ve come to trust and lean on her without question, she will gain confidence. She’ll change. She’ll respect you more, and should you express a differing opinion she’ll listen.

Think about what you want. Is it more important to eat where you want or go where she does and spend an evening with a happy wife? Is the ball game on TV more important than taking a walk with the kids and her on a Sunday afternoon? I mean, it’s just a ball game.  Think big picture. Think about her. Think about what would make her smile, what would make her proud to be married to you.  Just let go and trust her. Give up the control thing and see if it results in your marriage taking a turn for the better. I think it will. In a marriage a couple cannot both lead. One needs to step aside. One needs to support. Take the lead and let go. Trust her. I mean, you sought her out and courted her way back when because you saw all those wonderful qualities in her. Well, now’s your chance to rekindle her love – not by doing it your way but by enjoying hers.

I’m Hers 

17 comments:

  1. The most wise, the healthiest, the most balanced voice in the femdom community. Should any man want a marriage relationship worth having, listen to this man and then go and do likewise. Penultimate post after post. Bro, we thank God for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Russlave. You make me smile. Thanks though. And I'm curious. Are there blogs you enjoy that aren't listed on my sidebar?

    ReplyDelete
  3. "When I teach ...." Where and what do you teach my friend? Once again you have put into simple words the essence of the joy of marriage that you and I, and so many others, enjoy everyday. Thanks again and as always my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do a little teaching on the side at a nearby college. It's just a little something I do to help keep me young and in touch with the 20 year old crowd.

      Delete
  4. What a timely post I was just reflecting on the past year and what a blessing our FLR has been.I look back and see all the positive decisions my wife has made in the past year and how much closer we seem to get year after year.You are so right just give up the lead for for a week or a month and see what happens. It can be a a life changing experience. R R

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's my hope RR that other couples might give this way of living within a marriage a go. Voices like yours and the others that comment here will only encourage them to do so all the more. I know for one, I can't help but see how much you love your wife as she assumes leadership of her home (and you :)
      Thanks for stopping by

      Delete
  5. Good job, IH ! No truer words have been said.
    We men want what we want, and one of the major things is to be first. To be important. The thing is, most don't realize that the best way and most joyful way to this is to truly put her first. Sacrifice self for her and you become first to her and most important, in her heart.
    Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and may you have a blessed new year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you know..... if a way the stepping back to let her take over is, in effect leading. It's just doing so with the understanding that she may be better at it and that the relationship will thrive by him doing so. Thanks for sharing!

      Delete
  6. Wonderful post. Your wife is a very lucky woman and you are an exceptionally lucky man.

    Female led marriages are, first and foremost, marriages. I can't imagine a life in which my darling elliot did not have lots of input into the decisions I make. Nor can I imagine a marriage in which elliot, though caged, was not longing for me despite the fact he only very rarely is allowed to satisfy those longings.

    Some women are naturally dominant, some women, like me have come to our position by listening to the real needs of our partners and aligning those needs with our own. But even as I correct elliot or send him to his corner or leave him locked up for a month or two, I never forget that I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. Part of his love turns out to be his submission, but another part are his gifts of leadership and enterprise out in the world.

    I know that there are female led relationships in which a dominant women has a certain contempt for her husband. Our is not one of those. My deep love and deep respect for the man I married only increased as his submission became more and more automatic. He became more authentic, more genuine, when he let go of his resistance to my fundamental authority.

    Paradoxically, he became all the more powerful in the business and social worlds he lives in. The fact his little cock is caged and he is often wearing a rather firm girdle under his business suit seems to make him all the more alpha outside our home.

    It works for us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hannah Jay, thank you for sharing from your own experience. You and I are preaching the same message from different continents, yet the message is the same. Wives AND men are happier, more content and more deeply in love when the husband submits and the wife chooses to lead. I can't say for certain that submission at home guarantees he will be more powerful when away but I find what happened to you Eliot interesting. I can say that my submission at home has caused me to respect well mannered and confident women all the more. I think we all have our place, our role, both at home and away. For both of us, it is one in which the women assume headship over the men they love. Again, thanks for commenting.

      Delete
  7. I occasionally visit some of the other blogs listed on your sidebar, but return quickly to reality, i.e., your blog. I consider you the Dean. I don't write more because I apparently come off stiff and snobbish, which I don't mean to be at all. I crave 'atta-boys' just like every other sub. At 70 years of age, however, my thinking has taken a serious bent as time is running out for me. I would like to write a book entitled "The Feminization of Culture: A Femdom Manifesto for Saving the World." I know, a bit much, right? But I really am serious. The first paragraph would read, "We are living in the Century of the Woman. The evidence is all around us. This book declares this one simple, all-inclusive truth, that any future worth living on this planet can only be attained, by the feminization of all the cultures on this planet. In short, it is time for the men to step out of the way and let the women lead. For embodied in women are the virtues and values necessary for the future of life on this planet. There is a sub-culture on this planet that already embodies and practices this future. This book describes how they are today the proto-type of tomorrow. In all this, we are not seeking your opinion, but your active participation in empowering women to save our planet."

    We are wonderfully private people, and maybe I'm several generations ahead of my time, but I know the incredible talents of my wife, my daughter, and my grand-daughter. I am a life-long student of history and a life-long submissive. I have a pretty good idea of what's not going to work. As a practicing Christian, I am also an authority on Islam. Looking at my own life, I also see what does work. Putting it all together, I think people like you, eminent Dean, have the wisdom and understanding to make a HUGE, HUGE difference beyond just periodic blogs. I think we somehow need to open up our little private world and actively go main stream. How, why, and when we might do this, I'm not sure, but the question I come back to is, if we don't, who will?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Russlave, Let me begin by stating... please don't be shy. I've said some really stupid things on this blog at times, or at the very least made statements that overs disagreed with vehemently. I've even lost some dear friends that use to be frequent commentors and for that I am very sorry. I wish they could forgive and contribute for in doing so they profess what you so eloquently stated above - that we are living in the midst of change. All that to say.... when a thought is piqued, feel free to give this blog your honest feedback.

      I liked your book idea and I think you should run with it. You have the time :) or so I would think. How to 'come out' is not my decision but my wifes. We will as her comfort level grows but every friend of hers, and her children can see how we live and that speaks volumes.

      Thanks for sharing. As for my question.... some of the blogs on the sidebar are slowly going inactive and I'd love to keep that part of this blog alive by including good writers sharing a common theme. If any others read this and have blogs I should read, please share.

      Delete
  8. Human nature never ceases to fascinate me (nor disgust me!). One fascinating phenomenon about human nature, which I observe is frequently exhibited in this blog, is the liberal-versus-conservative thing. Is it fair to say that we "Femdomers" are all flaming liberals? A look into our bedroom dresser drawers might surely suggest so. (Eek! You really do that to one another with the lights on?) But then I read a blog about "Control", like this one, and I wonder if by mistake I have picked up the Cadet Handbook from the Virginia Military Institute! We sound like a bunch of button-down, old-school, pressed-and-starched, high-and-tight conservatives from The Great Salt Lake Basin! Duty, Mistress, and Honor, gentlemen, and don't you forget it!
    Is this fun or what? So I read the conservatives, and then I listen to the liberals, the TV talk show hosts, the ranting and the raving, believe this and believe that; be politically correct,and drown the other voices out! And I smile to myself as I clean Mistress' kitchen; I chuckle as I prepare Her supper; and quietly chortle as I bend over to receive some necessary discipline; all the while thinking, "If they only knew; if they only knew how broad and wide human nature is." It is conservative, and it is liberal, and on some days, everywhere in between. What am I? I am me, most days. A conservative liberal who is sometimes liberally conservative. Or something like that. That's funny. That's human nature. That's part of the joy of being a slave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Russlave, Thanks for sharing! Lots of great thoughts. Thanks.

      Delete
  9. Great post as usual sir. For me it's a matter of trust. I trust my Queen without question. Not because she is my Queen but because she has earned it. I have no doubt that the decisions she makes and the things she does spring from a kind and true heart and from a sound and thoughtful mind. Sometimes I struggle internally with a particular course of action but invariably hindsight shows the irrelevance of my worry and the wisdom of her thinking.

    No one is perfect of course, including my Queen. We have had to deal with unintended consequences from her decision making but isn't that a major part of life? We live life, pay attention, hopefully learn from our actions and apply those understandings moving forward. As a companionship, isn't it easier to go through that process with only one persons foibles than two? Half the struggle, twice the happiness. It certainly works for us.

    Thanks again for the thought provoking post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sublove, Thank you! It's easy to see the love you have for your Queen and it's need to see when expressed. I read your comment to my wife, especially the second paragraph - when things don't always go as planned. And you are right, when things don't go the way we wanted we live and learn. Please stop by again. Happy New Year.

      Delete
  10. What a great post. It really deserves to be in the mainstream media - it applies to all relationships. And it goes both ways, either of the partners could be the 'disputant' in any given situation. The last paragraph sums it up: is it better to be right, or to be happy? Madam and I choose happy.
    Thanks for explaining it so well.
    Bear

    ReplyDelete