Friday, December 11, 2015

How can she be dominant if she doesn't do this and this and this?

I’ve been thinking about this for a long, long time.  I am married to a dominant woman who isn’t dominant – and to me that makes perfect sense. Hopefully when I’m through writing it will make sense to you - but first a bit of background.
 
Katie is a lady who others would describe as being quieter.  Although she interacts easily, she will often come home from a social gathering and say things such as, “Mary just talked and talked and talked.” Or, “I know when I go to lunch I’ll hardly get in a word edge-wise with Judy.” Yet she still meets with Judy and she adores Mary and always enjoys the social aspect of her life spent with other women-friends. It’s just she isn’t a ‘life of the party’ kind of a girl.
 
Katie grew up in a traditional two-parent family home where values modeled traditional male dominated ones. She grew up in a home where those values were displayed and reinforced for many years. And then she left home and went to college….  well I won’t go into all that happened during that period of her life. Let’s just leave it as saying it was best for all that mom and dad weren’t there with her :)
 
By the time I met Katie, she was who she would always be.  Haven’t you ever heard when you were younger not to marry someone because you think you can change them eventually? Well, that’s a pretty true statement. You can’t change people. You just can’t.  You might be able to change a person's behavior but that’s not the same  as changing who they really are. You can’t make a shy person suddenly become eccentric and vice versa. You can’t make someone who is a visual learner now learn primarily through their tactile senses.  Given that, you can’t make a woman with little or no dominant personality traits suddenly become a bossy bitch. It’s not who they are.
 
As to Katie, well, she isn’t bossy. She’s not eccentric. She’s not outspoken (usually). She’s not into micro-management. She is about hating to cook. She enjoys ironing. She enjoys one-on-one interaction. She loves being a grandmom. She beats me at bowling every time we go (and I hate to lose!). She almost never raises her voice. She’s not a writer but enjoys keeping in touch with close friends via email. She’s always on time. She can only take so many questions from me before she tells me ‘enough’. She likes to be at home. She loves animals. She thinks shrimp is akin to a grub and won’t eat them. She likes this and that, etc. You get the idea.  If I exhausted my descriptive list you’d end up getting a thorough picture of who my wife is and what she's like.
 
With respect to our lifestyle choices, she doesn’t hit me. She doesn’t punish me. She doesn’t like doing scenarios where I’m her slave and she’s my leather-clad mistress. She’s never made me work all day slaving away at some crappy job .I didn’t want to do just to prove the point she could. She doesn’t like hurting me by squeezing or pinching parts of me just to make me cringe.
 
Gosh, you might say, “then that doesn’t sound very dominant. Your description of her in this blog must be a farce.”  Hogwash I say, Shiver me timbers! (I’ve been reading Treasure Island). No, that’s not true.  Katie is completely dominant simply because she is in control and I’m not.  Let me say that again in case I typed it too quickly for you: Katie is dominant simply because she is in control and I’m not – Period. End of Story. End of Discussion. Shut the TV off and let’s go to bed. Ten-four. Over and out.  Got the picture?
 
I know it sounds anti-climactic if you are just discovering D/s, WLM, FLR or whatever term you wish to call your relationship but it’s the truth.  It’s about control, not acting some particular way. Now you might have an outgoing wife that speaks her mind freely and doesn't mind yelling at you. If so, I wouldn’t necessarily say because she’s that way, she’s dominant. Although she more closely fits the stereotypical dominatrix prototype more than Katie she might enjoy nagging but that doesn't make her at all dominant.  There’s a difference. I know several wives who complain but don't control.
 
Think about this. Katie gets all the money I earn and it goes into her bank account. I think I know the password to her checking account but I’m not certain. If I asked she’d probably tell me, but that’s not the point. The point is: we both know she handles our money and I don’t get to choose how it’s spent.  Katie decides when we will and won’t be sexually intimate.  It’s not like I can’t try but I’ve never yet turned a ‘no’ into a ‘yes’.  We are intimate only when she wants.  Katie expects me to do certain chores – maybe 5-10 and yet she almost never insists I do certain ones at certain times.  Yet if I forget, or neglect one, she’s not going to do it in my stead. She just won’t. She might say, ‘the rug is getting dirty but less likely to say, I want this rug cleaned right now’. She leaves it to me to read between the lines. Her pointing out the dirty rug is her way of being dominant. I get the point and know I need to get the vacuum out sometime soon.
 
Katie understands all decisions go through her. I can suggest and she often likes my ideas but we both know she’s the one who will decide.  Katie chooses (with my input) where we will vacation, where we will go to eat, if we will run errands on this day together, or some other day, maybe alone. We’ll go Christmas shopping together and she’ll often let me choose gifts – if she likes my choices. When we travel to ‘my’ side of the family, she’ll let me do the planning, but she’ll approve or modify my final plan.
 
You see, we have a marriage and we relate as a couple. We love being together and we love having a shared mutual respect. What's different from many marriages is we know she is the one who holds the power while I’m the one who has relinquished that right. Katie has accepted my gift of submission way more than she’s taken all we have and claimed it for her own.  Maybe that’s the better way of describing us. She’s accepted my offer to yield. She hasn’t stepped up on some pedestal and pushed me to my knees. She leads mostly by not acting dominant; by not yelling, demanding, or humiliating ---- even if I’d like her to be that way sometimes ---- if for nothing more than to have a little fun and spice things up.  But she won’t. She won’t do that because of my description of who she is and isn’t. It's not her. If she was ‘that’ kind of a person, then I’m sure she’d do ‘those’ kinds of things. But she isn’t. Yet, she still controls. She’s still in charge. She’s still dominant. She admits she owns me. And by virtue of that, I’m her submissive and always will be.

Ladies, you can be yourself. You can be your husbands' mistress and you don't have to be who you aren't. You can be yourself. In fact, you need to be yourself. It's who you are isn't it? There is no need to change the inner you. What you need to do is take control of your life and his. You need to hold him accountable to do those things you need him to do - what you want him to do - nothing more and nothing less.
 
I’m Hers

16 comments:

  1. IH,
    You describe what I consider to be the near perfect mistress/wife. Happily, I can say that I,too, have one or rather she has me. It seems that so many believe that to be dominant means that they have to do this or that. To me it just means that she is in control the way she wants to be. After all, how much more dominant can she be than to control things her way. Is this the normal male fantasy? No, not by what you normally read. But, this real woman deciding what she wants for her and her man, controlling him how she wants, makes the fantasy pale and unappealing.
    Life in deed is good and we are blessed.

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    1. DLsKnight, Isn't it cool, I mean really really cool, to know you can look at your beloved wife and admire her? I mean really admire her? That's the best part about my submission. I've learned to really appreciate who she is and love her so because I don't ever fight, or argue, or have some power struggle discussion over her way vs. my way. Those things aren't apart of us and never have been and it makes for one really nice way to love. Yes, maybe I hit the nail on the head finally in this blog (pat myself on the back for once) and I do appreciate you helping me do that!

      Thanks for your comment.

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  2. First of all, I have to say that it's so nice to "see" you again my wise, sagely, old friend. I do hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful and Christmas will be a happy time for your family.

    I have long held that one of the problems in the world is that people in general believe that they need to fit into some kind of mold in order to call themselves (fill-in-blank-here). WLM/FLR/Power Exchange and D/s is no exception. In fact, I believe that for people venturing into the world I/we love, there seems to be extra pressure on doing it right, or fitting into that mold. I believe living this way is a constant source of stress and unhappiness for soooo many people. Whether people seek to be identified as hipster, Democrat or Republican, Dominant or submissive,(the list can go on forever) .... if we don't have the ability to independently identify who and what we are, and be happy with that, we will constantly be searching for someone or something to validate our lives.

    Buddy, your candid description of your beautiful Dominant Owner to some may seem bland and boring. I believe these people are the ones mostly wadded up in an environment that depends on others to validate their joy, happiness and life. The younger the person, the more likely they are to fit into this category. There are others that can read your post here and see the beauty, joy and absolutely "hotness" that exists for you in your marriage. I am one of those people because like you, I have been blessed with the ability and desire to allow the love Mistress K. and I have for each other to point us in the direction we go.

    Like I said before buddy, it's so great to see you again and to be able to sit back with a cup of coffee, and read your experienced and valuable words.

    Peace and love my friend, and Merry Christmas.



    You and I (and of course others) have been fortunate enough in our lives that we are able

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    1. SHIP,
      thanks for stopping by. I can usually expect a comment from you on most posts and you always make me smile when I read your thoughts. You know, this life isn't for everyone. It really isn't. I don't know if it would have been right for me when I was 25 or 30 but as it turned out, it was the right way to live - obeying her, rather than trying to lead or having to figure things out some other way.

      I think your salient point is that we need to find our niche, whatever it is and be content to live as who we are, with the interests and quirks that make us so. I happen to have nag in my crawl to submit to my wife and she likes it - loves it actually - and so it works.

      Have a merry Christmas!!!! And glad you weren't politically correct and say 'happy holiday's. :) Till later.

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  3. How awesome it was to read this story! This is so important! Thanks for sharing such a quietly powerful dynamic so that others will be free to be who they REALLY are!

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    1. Thank you Ma'am! Glad you enjoyed the read. I think I've been living with Katie this way long enough to finally be able to see the forest from the trees. It really is quite a simple concept - living with her in charge. Hope you stop back again to share.

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  4. You hit a home run with this one.. So many people get caught up in the fantasy of FLR were you are actually living in one.When I get up every day I know my position in my marriage and I know my wife is the leader no whips or chains she leads and I follow .I truly hope Katie and you have a great Christmas and New Year. R R

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    1. RR, Happy New Year to you and yours as well. Wish you both the best

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  5. Thanks RR, Merry Christmas to you and your Mistress! Hope you can spend lots of time with family. As to the post - thanks for the compliment. I know you are acutely aware of what it is I was trying to explain. Control. It's what our wives have mastered. Til next time :)

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  6. Thanks, IH. This entry is incredibly thoughtful and simplifies much of the difficulty newer people to this lifestyle face. Or at least I struggle with it. But the simple exchange of power and outward acknowledgment of it really is what defines a FLR. Thanks for the great insight. My best to you and yours this holiday season.

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    1. Thank you. I too appreciate all you have to say. You are a woman with an ability to write and have great insights. Keep up the good work.

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  7. Wishing you a very merry Christmas and a blessed new year

    K & S

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    1. Thank you K & S! Merry Christmas and a blessed new year to you as well. Your comment made me smile. Stop by again

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  8. "I don't know if it would have been right for me when I was 25 or 30 but as it turned out, it was the right way to live - obeying her"

    I enjoyed your post but this one sentence in a response stuck out. I often can't believe I have a wife/mistress that now has such control in my life, and it is still fresh and rewarding because my wife has grown as a leader and I did not challenge her to allow her to grow. I said something similar to my wife not long ago about not being sure whether I would have been comfortable being a submissive husband back in my 20s. My wife said would have liked it, but it have been uncomfortable for her when our kids were small. She also surprised me by saying she would have obviously needed to let me to have more frequent orgasms (Sometimes I wish I were younger). Even though we moved toward a female lead marriage later in life it was successful because we were more mature. In that time we came to relate to each out very successfully, obviously better that we did in the traditional years.
    Have a wonderful New Year.
    FL

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    1. FL, always good to hear from you. You know, I would agree with your conclusion about success in a femdom lifestyle and the age factor. However, it's my hope that younger couples - even those with young children (or newly married) can find success relating within the framework of a lopsided power dynamic. Couples like Kathy's daughter (femdom 101) give me hope that other young women might encourage fellow girlfriends to take control of their husbands and their marriage - for its benefit.

      Grateful to have you take the time to write. Thanks!

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  9. She is dominant if she say so. That’s my wife’s definition.
    “You decide on the restaurant to eat tonight,” my wife ordered, and I better pick one that’s to her liking. There can be “wrong” decisions. But the decision is mine. I better not tell her “but if you lead, you are supposed to make the decision.”
    No, I better pick a restaurant quickly to make her happy.
    It’s very paradoxical at times when I think about it.

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