And to all, have a Merry Christmas
Thursday, December 15, 2016
I am alive and well. My wife and I got to talking about the difference between a 'hen-pecked' husband and a submissive one. By hen-pecked I mean a husband who generally lives as an equal with his wife but also does what his wife tells him to do and probably does at least a little more around the house than most men in his circle of friends. I have my opinion on the difference but I would like to reserve expressing it for now in lieu of having others respond and give their thoughts. In both cases the outward 'what he does' might appear to be identical to the outsider so is there a difference and if so what is it?
And to all, have a Merry Christmas
As a sequel to the above question, how does the actions and attitudes and perceptions of a dominant wife differ from those of a traditional relationship? What should the role be if she is in charge versus living traditionally? Does she become the "henpecker"? If not, Alta she expect her husband to keep doing all of this work for him if she doesn't continually nag him to do so?
And to all, have a Merry Christmas
Saturday, November 19, 2016
A friend of mine made me aware of a podcast that I have thoroughly come to enjoy. Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History has been something I’ve listened to while driving to and from work for the past several weeks. I’m in the middle of his WW1 exposition of life on the western front. Fascinating stuff. Not that this is D/s stuff but it is worthy of checking out if you enjoy a good story. http://www.dancarlin.com/
It was while listening to his podcast that Dan prompted me to write this post. In his tale it is now the end of 1914/early 1915. Germany is fighting the Russians on their eastern border and is in thick with its invasion of France with a western assault. The fighting has been brutal. Casualties of the Allied forces are over a million and for Germany it’s approaching that. The war is barely five months old. The battles have been brutal for both sides and now both Germany and France have dug in and no one is moving. There is a stalemate in this trench-warfare. It was at this point where the narrator posed the question: “How can one side conquer the other amidst this stalemate?”
It was that statement that got me to thinking. In the typical marriage husband and wife share somewhat equal power. In many marriages the husband oppresses the wife a little more than he should and in others the wife may do the same with her husband. However in a wife-led-marriage there is an understanding that she is the one who reigns with complete control. But, how does a wife ‘conquer’ her husband and as a follow up, how does she maintain that position as conqueror? This question comes on the heels of a lengthy and passionate post I read on the FLR blog in which Namaste describes her version of two different types of women – one is the traditional/submissive type while the other is the take charge dominant who wishes to keep her man firmly under her thumb. Her post discusses female oppression by men in the centuries past and (although paragraph three gets a bit emotionally infused) it is a good read.
But let’s return to the original question: How does a woman conquer her husband? For me, the word ‘conquer’ may not mean the same as it does to you. For me it means: to take charge of, to dominate, to rein in, to supervise and to discipline, to manage, to oversee. It implies a power differential that exists between the ruler and the rul-ee and that power differential should be excessively lopsided to the point that there are no illusions as to who is in charge and who is not.
As I thought about this I considered the relationship between employer and employee. I’ve always heard that employers want to pay their employees only what it takes to keep them somewhat happy. And of course, employees only want to do enough to keep their employer off their back. In other words, each party does only what is necessary to appease the other. One strives to be cheap, the other leans toward laziness. How true that is with how so much of life plays out.
So given our natural tendencies, what does it take for a woman, a wife, a girlfriend – the female partner in a relationship – to maintain the upper hand in their arrangement? What has to happen for her to not only assume the controlling position but maintain it?
A couple of thoughts come to mind. First and foremost there needs to be structure. She needs to institute routine into his day (and I would suggest – into her day as well). Generally, we all thrive on what we are familiar with. Establishing a routine provides that familiarity. Routine can become an important tool in maintaining her husband in check. What is it that she wants him to do from the moment the alarm goes off in the morning? What does she expect from him during the days he is not at work? What should his evening routine be? Whatever it is, it needs to be reinforced. That is where her routine also becomes important. She needs to reinforce what she wants. She's the employer. He's the employee. All employees slack off if not provided with oversight. It’s my belief (and I’m only speaking for what works for me), is that she provide cursory oversight – at least periodically - and when she does, let him know she is (or has just finished) checking on his performance regarding his expected chores and then provide the appropriate compliment or criticism. (Dinner was delicious. The beans were overcooked. The kitchen looks fabulous. The floor still needs to be swept before you do anything else.) The same pattern of providing him with a routine and she providing periodic supervision can be instituted at various times throughout the day depending on the situation. It may be that she gives him a larger chore to do on a weekend. Doesn’t it seem appropriate that the employer inspect and comment on the work of her employee? Sure does to me.
Sometimes however, those expectations are not quite so structured. For example, she may want him to walk with her when shopping. She may want him to follow her when shopping or push the shopping cart or carry the purchased items. She may want him to open doors or stand when she enters a room or act in any one of myriad ways to establish protocol in various situations. Although this can become a routine it isn't a time-dependent one in the same way as a morning, afternoon, or evening routine around the house might play out. Instead, a 'door' becomes the stimulus to what should be the appropriate response. The 'going shopping' might be another stimulus that should produce an expected response. Patterns of behavior can be established - and wouldn't it be fun to even intentionally go out and practice them so they can be enforced!
What I’m driving at here is that leading and following BOTH require work. It’s not enough to just say, do this and then never give thought to it again. In an ideal world that would be wonderful but we aren’t without our faults. We, the employees, often do only what it takes to keep her happy and sometimes we even struggle doing that. And that can be quite different from doing what it takes to make her feel lavishly special because of the way a chore or job is done. Likewise, it’s important for her to evaluate his level of competence on what has been asked, demanded, or expected. And of course she needs to consider what must be done if "he doesn’t do what she wants or does it in a way that she doesn’t approve.”
Secondly, it's imperative he knows she is in charge and it should be equally important that she lets it be known she is the dominant party. So how does she do that? How does a leader remind others who is leading? Well, she can do so by checking up and providing constructive feedback as suggested above. But leaders are leaders because they demand leadership. I’ve watched many people at my work over the years be put into positions of leadership. Some do well. Some don’t. Those that do well find ways to get their follows to buy in. They sell their product. They snuff out problems quickly. They are not afraid of confronting but confront in a way that doesn’t alienate their follower from them. They are visibly present. They give praise but are able to separate themselves from those they oversee. They pay attention by making sure the details of their work are followed and are not satisfied by the "I did 80% of what you asked" mentality. They push their employees to be the best and not settle for mediocrity. What is so revealing is that the employees who embrace great leadership come to take pride in what they're doing. They view their boss quite reverently. It's quite the thing to see when this happens. Can't you draw your own parallels here between the wife who leads with confidence and the husband who works for her?
The wife, the girlfriend, the female partner, needs to also make herself ‘be’ that person. She doesn’t need to be a bitch. She probably doesn’t even need to raise her voice. The screamer-lady isn’t going to get the same respect as the one that goes about taking charge in a sensible objective way. But she does need to set herself apart and she does need to demand more rather than less. Leading in this way may feel like it's hard for you (the woman) to do but remember, you are in a situation in which your husband WANTS to follow. He wants to go the extra mile. All you need to do is help him go there, reward him once he does and actively supervise to keep him performing at that level.
When at work I know it is sometimes easier for me to just do some things myself rather than ask others to do it for me. But if I take that route I’m letting it be known that I’m one with them (which isn’t necessarily bad) but can’t be something I do regularly. Remember, employees only want to do as little as they must. If the boss is going to do it, then why should they? The woman needs to let him take the initiative, or let him follow her order, and bring the task to completion even if it’s easier for her to do. In time, he will learn and then she won’t have to even think about that chore.
I'll suggest one more quality: Verbalizing. How the husband addresses and interacts with his wife provides an easy insight into his heart. The man that interrupts, questions, debates or speaks critically to her or about her conveys a heart that isn't where it needs to be. There is work to be done. His wife must abolish those traits and put them firmly to rest. On the other hand the man that addresses his wife as mistress, goddess, queen or with some other adulating speech and who speaks only after being spoken to; the man who is quick to apologize and who addresses his wife with reverence and continually conveys his love for her, conveys a completely different heart. But, what is to be done if some of those adulating terms and expressions lessen? What if they come less often? What if some of that old vigor he use to have for her moderates? He hasn't gone off the deep end but he's not where he once was. Is that OK? Does the slacking of his verbal appreciation send her an alarm? It should. It reflects a change in his heart.
As a woman, can't you see how important it is to note and address these changes? Your role as leader needn’t require physical work but it's my belief that leaders need to recognize problems sooner rather than later. They need to address changes. By doing so they get to train her man to be the man she has always dreamed of, and keep him that way. By detecting the little oopses, the small oversights, the imperceptible changes in behavior and addressing them promptly, larger problems are kept at bay. Active oversight keeps him away from potentially problematic ‘cliffs’ and men have a propensity to find those cliffs readily. They keep the marriage and relationship healthy.
I can't end this post without expressing how important it is for the submissive husband to hear his wife express words of control, power and possession. I have come to yearn for Katie to express who she is verbally and not just assume I know. I want to hear her words of praise when I do something well but I also need to hear her criticism when I don't do things soon enough or well enough. I love it when she calls me her sub. It meets a deep need that draws me to her. It’s important to hear her express her authority as the leader in our home. For me, it’s not always enough to say, “OK, let's go". That statement implies she’s in charge and I need to follow. I love that she does but sometimes I wish for her to state the obvious. I wish for her to look me in the eye and tell me who she is and who I am and how we will always be.
For example, the other night we were in bed cuddling. She grabbed my head and shoulder and pulled me hard against her and said in words full of emotion, "You - are - mine! You - are - all - mine!" It was a five second blip in our 15 hour day but that five-second blip stayed with me for several days. Ladies, am I making myself clear about what your husband needs from you? It's your relationship to gain or lose. Isn't a little bit of your intentional, purposeful effort worth the hours of effort he puts into looking after you and taking care of your home? Isn’t a little bit of intentional leadership worth the love he expresses to you so freely? Doesn’t it fill your heart that he loves you so very much? Can’t you see that when you express dominance you can powerfully influence him in so many positive ways? You cannot ever say enough when it comes to your dominance and if you choose to say nothing, you convey exactly that - that you don't care. You convey what you have isn't that important. Like the common adage, "people will judge you by the words you speak" I would suggest they also judge you by what you fail to speak." Ladies, the health of your relationship is in your hands. Lead wisely.
Enough writing for now. I’m sure there are other attributes that are necessary for successfully ‘conquering your man’ but I’m going to stop with these few. As always, I’d love to hear from you.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
For a month or so I was having lots of ‘feelings’ that I wrote about on this blog. As an aside, the reason I wrote on that topic was purposeful. I didn’t want to give the impression that all of this submission and dominance stuff is always honky-dory. It’s not. Like all things in life there are ups and downs in whatever we do and for whatever reason I was having a bit of a downer time with regard to the length of time I was being denied. And besides, I think blogs in which the author shares personal feelings and thoughts makes for better reading. But I digress – somewhat.
I wanted to write about three common states of being: what we feel, know and hope. Around those three feelings much of life revolves and how we balance these three emotions plays a significant role in how one looks and feels about life.
I feel lots of things. Sad, happy, mad, angry, frustrated, giggly, submissive, loved, neglected, frustrated, tired, energetic, overwhelmed, bored, out of shape, old, invigorated, etc. I’m sure you can plug in descriptors that depict how you feel today or have felt during the past week. Emotions constantly bombard us and serve as the source of determining how we look at life. Some of us are governed by those feelings. Some push them aside and ignore the emotion of a situation or circumstance and press on with whatever one is doing. We all handle, approach and respond to feelings differently.
But feelings are just that – a feeling. What is more significant is what we know. I know I am married. I know where I live. I know I have a job and what my responsibilities at work are. I know I need to cut the tree down in the back yard. I know I need to take out the trash weekly. I know I have to cook Katie breakfast and dinner. I know I have to get gas on the way home from work. I know who my favorite football team is playing on Sunday, what time the game is and what network is carrying the game :) (yes, some things must be known in great detail!). I know I am Katie’s submissive. I know I can’t do something on Saturday without asking permission. I know lots of stuff.
What I know is another one of those traits that helps both me and others form an impression of who I am. It’s mostly objective data. What I know is based solidly on something: my employment, my residence, my responsibilities. Neighbors and acquaintances can even glean this same knowledge if they watch me observantly. They know who mows the grass. They know who takes out the trash. If they were in Katie’s house they would know who does/doesn’t do what. They know what time I leave and come home for work and if they followed me would know where I work.
What they don’t know is how I feel about all I do. That’s the subjective part of life. They don’t know how I feel about mowing the lawn – whether I enjoy or dislike it; whether I feel tired or am loving getting out of the house to get a little exercise; whether I’m bored or occupying my mind thinking about how grand sex was this morning or about the next post that has only somewhat taken shape inside my brain. They can’t see the feeling, thinking part of me.
Likewise, they have no idea what my hopes are. And I do hope. I hope my grandchildren grow up healthy and safe. I hope my children remain loved and cared for. I hope they live a long and rewarding life. I hope their marriages and my marriage lasts until ‘death do us part’. I hope to spend many more years cognitively alert with Katie and be able to travel and spend our golden years in love. I hope to retire sooner rather than later. I hope Katie becomes even more comfortable leading with each passing day. I hope to go to Alaska, the Louisiana bayou and to visit Yosemite, Glacier National Park, Brice Canyon and other places I would love to spend time at. I hope my car lasts another few years before it bites the dust from old age.
Hopes are the illusive part of life. Our hopes may become knowledge, meaning I may know what it feels like to stand on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon if I go there. My hope of seeing it might be something I someday know. Hope gives us something to look forward to. It gives us something to strive for. It helps us focus beyond the here and now. Hope can be especially rewarding if there is some basis for which to hope that one’s hope will become a reality. My hope to remain happily married to my wife is a happy thought because of how I feel about her and what I know about our relationship both now and in the past. Nothing comes to mind that would mar my hope of remaining deeply in love for years to come. I might hope to go elk hunting (not something I really have on my bucket list) but if I did, I doubt very much I’d ever go elk hunting since Katie has forbidden me to hunt just for the sake of killing an animal. There’s a difference in those two hopes.
So where am I going with all this? I’m not sure :). I can try to personalize this to being a submissive or to those living within a WLM/FLR but I’ll let you do that. Instead, I’ll simply point out that how we balance what we feel, know and hope determines to a large degree our level of contentment with life. When I was writing all of those posts that gave the reader the feeling of “it must suck to be him” feelings, I allowed my negative feelings to permeate most everything I did for a few weeks. It wasn’t healthy and looking back on that time I see know how I lost sight of what I knew. Katie loves me. Katie cares for me. Katie is doing the very thing I asked her to do (e.g., deny me). This is only about an orgasm. This is not about me surviving cancer. I had lost perspective. I needed to regain it and eventually did and in part, did so when Katie allowed me an earlier than expected release.
Some of you may feel as if your FLR is falling apart. Some may ache because they can’t find someone to share such a relationship and worry they may never. Those can be big and worrisom feelings and ones that need to be addressed. I’m not saying you will get what you want. I didn’t get the kind of WLM that I thought I’d get but I am quite content with the version that came to be – and probably happier that I didn’t get what I initially hoped for.
I hope you will evaluate your life, especially with your partner. I hope you can take time to assess your feelings, both good and bad, that you feel free to discuss those feelings with others; that you are content with where you are in life and if not, that you will make strides to move to a better place. I hope you have hopes that come to be reality. But I also wish for you not to have all you feel, and hope become reality for then there will be nothing for which you to hope for in the future. One should never get all they want. What fun would Christmas be if that wish came true? There would be nothing to hope for next year and besides, I think it’s healthy to deal with some disappointment.
Self-analysis is a healthy undertaking. I hope you will take time to assess your current state. Take time to just ‘be’. Get away from the tube. Go mow the lawn and think. Go take a walk and think. Go paddle down some quiet stream or take a hike or bike ride where you can be alone and think about all you have, all you hope for, all you worry about, and all that is. I want to say – and be thankful. I hope you can come to that conclusion and indeed be thankful.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Some have said that we become the people we are partly because of the positions and roles we hold in life. Our personalities change to some degree when we are asked to lead, follow, teach, help others during tragedies, comfort, etc. I believe this happens with the partners engaged in a relationship. The personalities of both the wife and the husband change – at least somewhat - because of that agreed-upon dynamic. Those living in a vanilla relationship act differently than when single or when a part of a wife led marriage.
Prior to our wife led marriage I would have told you that my primary role-or one of my significant roles - was to provide security for Katie. I viewed her as a precious gift (and still do) and one in which it was my job to make sure she was protected and secure.
Since becoming her submissive and since giving up decision making power and becoming a non-decision making entity in our relationship my role to make her feel secure has changed somewhat. Yes she still wants me to take care of her and yes she loves when I make her feel safe but the perspective about which I am arriving at those same objectives has changed. Before it was from a position of authority.
“Stand behind me and I’ll take care of this.” “Katie, get in the car. I’ll handle this.” Back then I protected her from the assumption that if I told her to do something she’d do it. That was before. Now things are different. Now there is an almost unspoken understanding that she is responsible for me. I do the chores she wishes not to do. I fetch things for her. I ask several times a day, “Is there anything I can get for you Sweetheart?” or,”Is there anything I can do for you Mistress?” As a result of living as her submissive – and what I mean by that is living for several years in a relationship in which we both know she’s the one who makes most of the household decisions – I have come to rely on her more she depends on me less. Should situations arise where I need to protect Katie I’ll still say take the initiative to protect her but my words will reflect who I am to her. “Why don’t you let me take care of this,” or “Don’t you think I should handle this why you wait in the car?”
The results are the same but the attitude in which I am approaching the situation differs. I will protect her but not because I’m the alpha. I protect because I am the ‘beta’ – the submissive - whose role it is to look out for and anticipate her needs. The outcome is the same but way I get there is now different.
I am certain that my need for Katie has grown over the years. I don’t see myself as being any weaker but rather more dependent. I see her as my source of security. I see her as the one who looks out for me. I never viewed her in that light prior to submitting. Because I have stepped back and relinquished leadership responsibilities I have become more dependent. I ask questions reflecting that attitude.
I ask the “Do you mind if I …..” and the “Is it OK if I …..” or the “May I ….. “ questions all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked, “Do you mind if I throw a load of wash in before we head out? Can I turn on the dishwasher now? Do you think I should mow the lawn before putting down grass seed? Do I have time to straighten up before we go? What color shirt would you like me to wear?”
I could go on and on. It all boils down to me being considerate. I don’t want to put her out. I want to do things her way. And after being this way for years, I have become more dependent on my wife. She decides. I usually don’t.
Maybe it is because she controls the finances. Maybe it’s because she decides how our sex life will play out. Maybe it’s because she tells me what chores need to be done this week. Maybe it’s because she tells me what she wants to eat in the week ahead before I plan the shopping list. Maybe it’s because all of this put together has caused our respective roles within our marriage to shift.
Our WLM marriage has also brought about a psychological shift as to how I view her. Although she continually tells me I make her feel safe and secure I would now contend she fills a security need for me that I didn’t have at the start of our relationship. The dependency created because I am her submissive has much to do with that. Like I mentioned at the start of this post, we often assume a personality that fits the role we hold.
Maybe female lead relationships bring out a man's gentler side; or at least a more considerate side. Maybe it forces him to be more vulnerable. Maybe it compels him to wrestle with parts of his personality the average Joe can suppress. So much of our life goes into putting on differing facades when around others. We act ‘this way’ when with our parents and ‘that way’ when with our childhood friends and still ‘another way’ when in a group where we know no one. There is a reason why we change. We do so because we are insecure. We do so because we feel a need to conform. We do so because we don't want to stand out. We do so for a myriad of reasons.
I don't know if Katie would completely agree but since she has become the head of our home she has been forced to be a stronger, more confident, more decisive version of herself. Although she still wants to feel my strength and security she has the added role of being responsible for my security. It’s a role assumed by the head of the household. It’s what a leader does. She decides; she wrestles with my issues; she guides our relationship; she maintains my submission. The result of it all is twofold: I’ve become more dependent because I have to trust and depend more while she has assumed a more independent role as that leader.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
One of the cool things about having a dominant wife is that she has little concern for boundaries with respect to my body. She knows she rules the roost and has come to realize that her word is my command. The other night I was quiet in bed and laying on my back.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
Whatever I said made her feel as if I was being less than talkative. A few seconds later she tells me, “I want to lay on you.”
“OK, you’re the mistress.”
“Do you mind?”
“Whether I mind or not is not the issue. I’m your sub. You’re my mistress. Do what you want.”
And so she did. She climbed on me while I lay supine, her legs splayed on either side of mine and her shoulder pressed up under my chin. While she laid her head on my pillow and net to mine that shoulder up and under my chin pretty much pinned me in place. She didn’t ask if I was comfortable. I assumed she thought I was and to be honest it wasn’t too bad having her laying right there. While she rested I instinctively did what I know she loves. I began touching her body. My hands could reach most of the way down the back of her thighs. I gently and silently stroked and scratched her skin. She lay on me for what seemed like forever, eventually falling asleep.
Here I was living my role as her submissive simply by the fact that I was here under her. I don’t think she intended to lay on me to perk me up from my quiet mood. I know she likes to do this every now and again but this was her longest stint lying on me ever. Her presence on top was one of those unspoken reminders that I am here to serve her. In this case it was my body that she needed to lay on. It was my touch that wanted to relax her and eventually that touch caused her to fall asleep – on me.
I don’t know how long we laid like that but it was a long time – probably close to an hour. She slept and in time I fell asleep as well. She startled me when she finally slid off and turned away to get comfortable.
“Is your back bothering you?” she asked. Her words startled me.
“Then snuggle me.”
I smiled and did as I was told. It was such a nice chain of events that led us to sleep that night.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
It's been more than 3 weeks since Katie allowed me that long awaited release. I've had lots of random thoughts and feelings to consider since that Saturday morning. Part of me has struggled with the thought that I might have manipulated her into allowing me that orgasm. I didn’t nor do I ever want to resort to this kind of tactic. I would much rather have her intuitively notice when my emotions or personality changes (when I get moody) and then talk with me. My hope would be that she will notice confront me so that we can talk – so that she can understand – and then use that information as a guide as to how to best handle the various situations that arise. And I’m not saying that every time I feel down that the solution is a release. Most often it’s not. It may be that I just need to air thoughts in a safe environment with my mistress. It may be that I need her attention or affirmation more than I need a release. It might be that a release is indeed best. That will be her decision, not mine.
I've also had thoughts about myself as her submissive. I’ve gone through these array of emotions many times. I periodically get these incontrovertible revelations where the realization that I am an owned man – that I belong to another - becomes so vividly real. I am still amazed when I take time to think about it that I actually professed vows in which I promised to remain Katie’s. And at times part of me still struggles with the freedoms I’ve given up since becoming her submissive. Having to face that certain choices are not mine to make anymore can sometimes be difficult. The saying "be careful what you wish for" rings true here. Don’t take what I’m saying out of context. I’m not even suggesting I regret submitting to my wife. I don't regret, not for even an instant, that decision. It is what I want. It is what I live for! Yet there are times when I have to admit there is a kind of a quiet angst every now and then to not being able to do what I want, when I want. The feelings are inevitably transient but they are reminders to what was and to what now is. Once I get past that (and at the heart of them is always my selfishness – or laziness) I come out a better man. In part, that angst is the realization that I’ve entrusted much of my right to choose to Katie’s discretion.
For example: I could have easily taken my release into my own hands. I could have made it happen. I could have. I was tempted to do just that but I knew I couldn't. I just couldn’t. It would have been wrong. And so I struggled with a loss of that freedom. It hasn't been the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last yet still the struggle remained.
On the flip side of this loss of freedom is the upside of all I’ve gained. I get to see a wife taking charge. I get to be married to a woman whose self confidence has steadily grown and I personally find her growing confidence so attractive. Too many women lack self esteem and I’m lucky enough to watch hers steadily grow. I love it! I also get to see a mistress wrestle with how to equitably handle difficult situations. I get to see her lead. I get to feel her dominance. I get to admire her intellect and wisdom. I get to trust in her judgment. I get to hear her remind me that she really is my mistress; the one who has decided she is will be the one guiding me (and us). I get to lean on her. I get to support her. And I love obeying her.
Since that day in which she permitted me that release I have not felt those same feelings about our lovemaking – those feelings of being somewhat left out. Who in the world knows why they even came to mind? Instead I have clear memories of this morning. We made love. It was the best. I never had an inkling of a feeling that she would grant me a release but then again, I didn’t want one either. Was our lovemaking one sided? In some ways it surely was. She was the one that initiated it. She was the only one who climaxed. I definitely didn’t. Katie enjoys sex. She enjoys being physically close. She enjoys orgasms. She enjoys sharing that intimacy with me. Our closeness is a reflection of the health of our marriage. As things turned out, she allowed me to treat her to several orgasms and in that way it was one sided. Yet there was nothing I wished other than the hope of repeating that very experience again and again and again. It was completely satisfying to the both of us. (Just in different ways.)
What made it rewarding to me was my perspective on our time together. For me, sex is so much more than the physical feeling of being stimulated down there. It's why it's sometimes called making love. It’s a chance for me to express my love, become vulnerable and give my all to her. The act is an extension of how I feel about her. In our marriage I know our lovemaking is primarily about pleasing Katie and I want it remain that way.
I find it interesting how my feelings change so easily. Certain things get under my craw and when they do I have a hard time letting them go if I don't get my way. I think that goes back to what it really means to be submissive. It’s not always easy being doing what she wants. However, most of time it’s wonderful. 99% of the time it’s wonderful. It’s that 99% of the time that makes me never ever change who I am as her husband. It’s that other 1% that I am still learning how to deal with. And as so many of you have correctly pointed out, communication is the key to working through those 1%’s of life. I thank you all for your input, criticisms and encouragements. You all richly add both to this blog and to my life. Your comments always make me think – and I always pass them along to my mistress to read.
Have a wonderful week.
PS: On a completely different subject..... We were out shopping today. Katie saw this truck and commented, "does that guy have a small penis or what?"
Monday, September 26, 2016
Two weeks ago Katie let me experience an orgasm. Initially the plan was for me to go a year before the next one but a few factors influenced her modifying that time frame. I think most that change in plan had to do with me feeling left out. Honestly I started to feel as if our lovemaking had become completely about her and not at all about me. But as some of you reminded me, I got what I asked for. I submitted. I gave up certain freedoms. I wanted this and there is no mistaking our marriage revolves primarily (but not solely) around her. She’s in charge and I’m there to support and be there for her.
But for whatever reason – and I really don’t know why – I began to feel depressed as the days mounted from 100 to 150 and beyond. I just wanted to be an active part of our lovemaking – and I didn’t want to wait an entire year for that to happen.
The other issue at play was my own prostate health. I started feeling these pangs, kind of an achy feeling down in that area and became concerned. We talked about that. It was that which started our sporadic discussion during the month prior to ‘the happening’. I know I’ve written a post or two on the topic of long-term denial and prostate health. From all I’ve read I found nothing to indicate that more releases vs. fewer has any influence on how the prostate functions. All I knew was I was feeling something that I hadn’t before experienced and I started to worry.
I have an app on my phone that keeps track of the number of days in denial. I title my little journey on that app “# of days since the last time”. Sending her a screen shot at Day 176 I asked, “Are you really going to deny me a full year?”
I knew the answer. It’s always the same, “Maybe”. But this time caught me by surprise. Her response came a few minutes later. “Probably.” Ouch. That one hurt.
I told her about the aches down there and a week later sent her another screen shot. With the comment, “soooo long.”
This time she texted, “three more weeks.”
Talk about giving a guy some hope! OMG!!! I couldn’t believe it. I entered that date into my calendar and I can tell you one thing, I looked at that date more than just a few times in the days that followed. I couldn’t wait.
Two weeks later I texted while at work: “I’m at 200 days!”
She texted, “one more day.”
It was another unexpected response. I knew I had another week until reaching the three-week date (but I somehow forgot to remind her of that fact). :)
That next day came and that next day went without anything happening. Oh, did I feel like crap. I was so hopeful but no, there was no hanky-panky to be had. I couldn’t believe she didn’t want to make love that morning. Later in the day I asked her why and learned she had a headache. The next morning came and things finally happened. And that was really all there was to it. It wasn’t mind blowing. It wasn’t earth shattering. Rather it was nice. I felt loved. I felt cared for. I felt as if she listened to what I had to say.
Upon reflection I understood the thought behind the “three more weeks” text. It was an indication that she wasn’t about to change her mind just because. It was her saying “I hear you but I’m not going to just do something ASAP just because you tell me”. Yet at the same time it was her saying I really do care. I really am listening. I really am concerned and I want you to know I am thinking about you.
The happening took place two weeks ago. What I don’t know is when the next time will be? She has given me no indication what her plan is. I don’t know if she will permit me releases monthly, bi monthly, have me wait another 200 days or keep me chaste for another year.
And to me that is my primary concern. I’ve asked her a couple of times to think through what it is she wants to do and why she is doing what she is. I hope she has a plan. I hope she does things for a reason rather than having no rationale for when she’ll next let me release. And until that next time, life will go on.
I’ve been locked every day since one since. It’s been 15 days and I love her for being the mistress she is and has been to me.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
This has been a good week! Let me recap the basics in a short and sweet post. Here's the highlights:
A three day weekend last week due to the Labor Day holiday
A short week of work this week
Thursday night Football
The first of a LOT of Football with the start of the long awated NFL season (and the college games too!)
Snuggling with my honey
Knowing the heat of summer is finally showing signs of breaking
What more could a guy ask for?
Oh, and through in there the long awaited words, "You can cum today."
Have a wonderful week!
A three day weekend last week due to the Labor Day holiday
A short week of work this week
Thursday night Football
The first of a LOT of Football with the start of the long awated NFL season (and the college games too!)
Snuggling with my honey
Knowing the heat of summer is finally showing signs of breaking
What more could a guy ask for?
Oh, and through in there the long awaited words, "You can cum today."
Have a wonderful week!
Friday, September 2, 2016
I wrote this post prior to putting up the previous one. I wanted to get my thoughts written down before having them influenced by the comments of the previous post. Last week I wrote something that triggered a thought in which I needed to give more thought. The previous post was generally about how exciting and wonderful and sexy and incredible and enticing and jealous and envious I was after reading about how another couple handles denial and release. The wife permits her husband to do so every few weeks and is put on "a schedule” of sorts. I loved the idea; probably because my 'schedule' is getting moldy. It's been that long between 'wowee' times for me.
As you know, Katie reads and approves all of what I post and that post was no exception. She read it but had little to say. When she finished proofing it she asked if I was lonely and I told her I did feel lonely. She didn't probe further. Two evenings later while we were in bed I pulled up the Bobby Vinton song "Mr. Lonely" on my phone and played it through my iHome speaker. The lights were out. I was laying on my side and she was wrapped around behind spooning. I felt her shudders as she began to silently giggle. When she grabbed my 'little soldier' and started wiggling it I knew she got my point. Ah, success makes for such sweet satisfaction! When the song was over I asked if she knew who sang that tune. When she guessed wrong I told her it was "Bobby Vinton and the Confined Sperms". More silent giggles erupted. Another point driven adequately home for her to ponder further :) I slept well that night.
But, nothing, or rarely nothing in life is black and white. That was the case when I wrote that post. I felt justified writing what I had until I wrote these two sentences: "Whatever choices a couple makes, in order for that relationship to remain healthy and thrive, both need to buy in on how they will live, interact and relate. It's not enough for one to say, this is how it will be and I don't give a sh#* what you think." After I did I wasn't so sure.
And then a day later I was looking at several post ideas I had in a file. I came across a line I had copied and pasted a post written a few months back from the "A Dominant Wife" blog. In that post she refers to a conversation she had with a younger woman who lives in her home. She states: "....The point about being in charge of your marriage is it is entirely your decision. As I have told you, there is only one sexuality in our marriage: mine. I do what I want, elliot does what he is told."
So there you have it. And all this makes things so "Uggghhh!" So confusing. So frustrating.
I wrote last week about thoughts I had regarding me wondering if Katie is pushing me too far into denial. I wondered if only reaching an orgasm once a year was undoing some of the 'doing' she wants my denial to do for her (and for me). I hoped it would have elicited a discussion but it didn't and because I'm her submissive, I let it be. We texted some days later and I learned she denies me for such long periods of time because it was me who told her how denial affects me mentally. And it has been me that has told her how being told 'no' actually makes me closer to her. And it does. But so does reaching a climax as long as she responds to it as a mistress should after that climax happens. It's not the climax per se that I love but how she handles it once it's over. (I'll leave it at that.)
Again, things come back to being more open, something we've a hard time doing when the topic pertains to her dominance and my submission and our WLM. Don't ask me why, it just is what it is.
Anyway, I felt guilty when I wrote, "it’s not enough for one to say this is how it will be and I don't give a hoot what you think." In the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Isn't that what dominance is all about? Isn't it about doing what she wants because she feels this is what is best for us?" In some ways I violated one of the key premises of my wife leading us. She needs to sometimes make hard decisions, regardless of how I feel. Sometimes she needs to tell me, "I want you to do this," or "I don't want you to ever do that again and don't question me. This is what I want and this is what you will do." There needs to be times when she stands on that island even when she knows her husband may not agree with what she has decided.
That's what A Dominant Wife referenced during her conversation with the young woman still learning about what it means to be dominant. She referenced it in regards to her sex life with her submissive husband. Basically she said, she does what she wants and he has no say in the matter. And that is so true. He shouldn't have a say. Not ultimately anyway.
Now I would hope that a loving mistress would talk and read and explore and learn so she can make wise decisions. It's her job to do that. She has the responsibility to lead and lead with the hope she is making the best decisions for both her and for him. I'm not saying that is always an easy thing to do but I do believe it's her responsibility regardless of how hard it might be. But she needn't do this alone. She can ask others. She can have her sub research and do the leg-work for her. She can read and learn. She can do lots of things but in the end, the decision remains hers to make. In effect she needs to sometimes tell her submissive that "this is how it will be and I DO give a sh$* what you think. (And even though you think it’s not the best choice, I believe it is best for me and for you and that's why I'm deciding as I am.) It's why there can only be "one sexuality in the marriage". It is why she can do what she wants and why her submissive is required to do what he is told. But underlying the sometimes harsh outward expression of those decisions is the hope? The expectation? That she has chosen wisely for the benefit of the marriage, for the maintaining of her dominance, and for the cultivation of his submission.
And so I don't know what to think about the whole appeal of the ejaculation-schedule thingy-mi-bob. I like it but I love Katie even more. I looked at her the other day after she read that post and said mostly nothing. I looked at her and thought "I'm going to love this woman with all my heart even if she never lets me cum. I just am." I thought that because I know deep down she has me placed on such a high pedestal in her mind. I know she loves me. I know I am the apple of her eye. I know she wants nothing more than for me to love and cherish and adore her. And because I know all these things I know that even if nothing changes my love for her will remain where it is - focused only on her.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Friday, August 26, 2016
I’ve served as my wife’s submissive for several years now. Our relationship has evolved over time. I’d say that in the past two years things have pretty much settled into a state of equilibrium. She knows her role and I know what is expected of me.
In the previous post I wrote as to how my mind constantly dwells on Katie’s beauty, her physical attributes and my appreciation of those attributes. My point was one I think must men can identify with. Men love sexual stimulation. We often think with our genitals and because we do it allows women to use ‘sex’ to their advantage especially in FLR/WLMs. Our sex drive is one of the most, if not the most, powerful drive we guys have. We love sex and for most, place that experience as something we seek more than anything else.
I wrote the last post knowing I was going to write this one. I did it to set the stage to address a more significant issue. Yes, I think about sex and Katie’s body quite a bit. In this post I want to focus the discussion of ‘sex’ around the topic of sex and denial. Most living in a FLR have experienced this. For many couples the dance plays out like this: the two of you make love. She experiences one or more orgasms but you don’t get to have one – and in the end she’s left satisfied but so are you – kind of. You’re left wanting and frustrated but you wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything.
When Katie and I first experimented with this we combined it with chastity. I think we both came to believe that this kind of lovemaking far superseded the 'old way'. Things didn't end when I released. Things didn't end because I was told to forego my orgasm. As a result our times spent making love lasted longer - sometimes quite long. As for me, the time between releases was maybe a week, but Katie quickly lengthened the time to two, three and then four weeks. Of course it was me who requested she do so. My asking had to do with my inherent desire to ‘see if I could do it'. It was a thing of pride. It became a challenge. "I lasted 56 days!" “I made it to 102 days!” My period of denial ended up becoming something Katie liked and so what started out as a week or two grew to 30, 60 and 90 days and eventually to six months and then a year. Because they were all "first times" I pretty much remained on a high.
However, to be perfectly honest when the times got beyond a few months there were periods during those prolonged times of denial when I felt abandoned. Denial lost its appeal. I didn’t enjoy the position in which I found myself. It felt too long. I felt like I had somehow lost a part of me when we shared our most precious of times. Don't get me wrong, I loved being the one who served as the man that brought Katie to repeated climaxes. I came to love - and still love that part of our closeness but that sharing has become mostly one sided. I found the thrill I once experienced to be much diminished. My climax was not the focus and hasn’t been for many months. Yet this is what I asked for and this is what she gave me. Presently I’m on my third venture to another year of being denied. I think I'm about to reach seven months since the last time but I don’t hardly keep track of the days anymore. Again I have been feeling those ‘I’m alone in all of this’ kinds of emotions. It's hard to explain but I simply miss sharing an orgasm with her, or simply climaxing because I can - and because she said I could this time.
It’s not that I don’t love making love. I do. I crave it. Since we've become a wife-led-marriage Katie has helped me learn that sex shouldn’t be about me and I'm glad she's allowed me to experience this. I’ve learned to completely reframe our times of closeness. Before they were one-sided. Now they've become all about her and how I can serve as her source of those - sometimes quiet, sometimes not so quiet - internal explosions that she experiences when we are together. But our time really has become less about me and more about her and I miss that we don't share as we once did when my time in denial was for shorter periods of time.
I find that when we make love now that I don't experience those incredible ‘I’m about to explode' feelings that I once did. Instead I'm more subdued, more in control and less emotional. Maybe its age but I don't think it is. I think it's more like I know that I can't ever go there and so I've somehow learned how to keep my mind from experiencing those heightened emotions associated with a climax soon-to-be.
There have been a couple of posts put up recently that seemed to have been written just for me. One referenced an ejaculation-schedule a wife put her husband on. She denies him but allows him periodic releases after so many weeks or after he has treated her to a certain number of orgasms. When I read about the typical number of days she keeps him from experiencing a release I thought she was being too generous but the idea of knowing that on "this day" things would happen appealed to me. Gosh, it sounded like such a nice compromise. Denial for her, hope of a release for him. To know that denial had an end in sight before it would once more start again resonated with where I am. This wife presented a different philosophy than the one Katie subscribes to of limiting me to once a year (or once every 16 months as she suggested last week!).
Let me tell you, a year is a long time to remain without an ejaculation. It’s a really long time. The first time I went there was a time of exploration and I'm glad she permitted me that experience, but now that I know I can do it, it's not so much fun thinking things will only happen once a year (or even less). It's tough to emotionally adapt to that way of thinking. Maybe it's because it cuts to the very heart of who I am as a sexually active man.
There was a blog that is no more by a woman that called herself "Katie Christian". She believed the only reason for male ejaculation was for the purpose of procreation. That's fine for her to think that way but the more significant question from a marital happiness perspective is: 'is he willing to go there with you' for the remainder of his life? Is he willing to completely abandon a part of his masculinity that has been so central to his manliness?
Marriage is a union of two people. It takes two people to buy into how a couple will live. Some wouldn't even dream of living a life the way Katie and I do, others wouldn't ever consider committing to marriage. Others believe in 50/50 relationships. Every couple has different aspirations and viewpoints on how they feel they can best succeed as a couple. Whatever choices a couple makes, in order for that relationship to remain healthy and thrive, both need to buy in on how they will live, interact and relate. It's not enough for one to say, this is how it will be and I don't give a sh#* what you think. It does matter what the other thinks because you’re a couple and as a couple you will either sink or swim.
My point here is that for dominance to work, the submissive needs to buy into his submission and cater to his wife’s dominance. He needs to obey. He needs to respect. He needs to treat her with the honor she deserves. For submission to work, the same needs to be true. She need to treat him like the servant he is. She needs to reinforce that his job is to please her and to do whatever it is she expects of him.
With regard to sex, it’s pretty clear that a man’s orgasm is associated with a reduction in that desire to perform sexually. Too many ejaculations seem to lead to a lazy man and one who can become selfish and self-centered. However, what happens when denial is taken to a point that is ‘too long’? Can it be taken too far? Is six months or a year or forever an expectation he should expect to agree to? Besides potential health risks (another matter entirely), can a wife deny her husband for too long a time?
I’m wondering about that very thought. The goal in denying me in the first place has always been to increase my desire, my responsiveness and my lust for Katie. She’s denied me to enable her to make love with me for more than 30 seconds. She’s taught me how to deny myself in order or allow us to remain sexually close for longer periods of time. She’s cultivated my submission by denying me the freedom she has enjoyed every time we do make love. She’s forced me to remain dependent. I need to ask permission. I need to not expect I will be granted permission. All of this reinforces her dominance and my submission.
Denying sex, or certain aspects of sex can serve as powerful reminders of who is dominant and who serves. But if the time becomes too long, if he loses his longing and doesn’t buy in the way he once did, might a lengthy denial-period work against what the wife wants from him? I think it might. I hope this post serves as food for thought for others. I know I’ve been giving this lots of thought as the time since ‘the last time’ seems like forever ago and the time til the next time still seems impossibly far away. I’m once more stuck in limbo land and it feels like a lonely place to be right now.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
When I was a horny and immature teenager I remember someone telling me about what the letters ADIDAS stood for. It had nothing to do with the athletic shoe company. Rather I was told ADIDAS was an acronym for All Day I Dream About Sex. Of course I giggled when I first heard this because it was a bit 'dirty' as well as funny - for a 14 year old boy.
Now some 40+ years later, that acronym still holds significance because it still remains true. I do dream about sex all day long. However I dream, dwell and focus on more than just sex. I lust after my wife. I think about her all the time. I find her hot, sexy and incredibly passionate when she feels like being so. Let me expound on my thinking to drive this point home more fully.
Yesterday she stood from the sofa and bent forward to pick up something from the coffee table. I was sitting next to her. My eyes didn’t go move to what she was getting, rather it moved to her butt. I love looking at her butt! I love looking at it, touching it and grabbing it (when I'm permitted to do so.)
Whenever she’s driving I can’t help but look at the graceful curve of her breast. I don't know what it is about a woman's figure but they were made to appeal to a mans' eye and Katie's appeals to me all the time.
When she stands and wears a short top, I love seeing the front of it hang loosely and away from her abdomen, knowing her ample chest is pushing it forward and letting it fall in that sexy way.
When she walks ahead of me, upstairs, or for that matter most anywhere when she takes the lead, I limit my viewing area to her legs, her figure and the the sway of her gait. There's not another person I'd rather let my senses absorb than her.
When sitting next to her, I’ll often kiss her on the neck and bury my head into her hair. I love the way it feels to have her hair cover my face and I love smelling that perfume that reminds me of Katie.
“Rub my back,” she will often say nightly. “My pleasure!” I’ll think. I get to touch her body; feel her small frame and tight muscles and sometimes even get to hear her moan as my fingers and hands perform their magic.
I love the feel of her small wrists, her petite fingers and body in general.
Everything about her is sexualized to some degree. I dream about her. I think about her. I want to be near her. I want to touch her. I want to snuggle behind every night and wrap my arms around her or turn away just so I can feel her do the same to me.
I don’t know what she is thinking but I know exactly what I’m thinking and what I want. More! I’m always looking for more!
We made love this morning. Later we were downstairs watching the Olympics and sipping coffee. She was stroking my leg. “Do you want to go back upstairs and make love again?”
“I just want to touch you,” she responded.
“She was content doing what she was doing. Me, I was being “ADIDAS”! I was hoping I could get more.
Luckily she doesn’t mind me pawing over her. She enjoys me appreciating her for who she is and how she looks. I think it makes her feel completely secure knowing her husband is fulfilled by her. And I am. But I still dream about those times when small things lead to other things – to ADIDAS kinds of things.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
God I love it when she actually leads! In a few minutes she is about to head out with a friend for a few hours and is upstairs getting ready. Just before she did she went through a short list of things she wanted me to do. “And do you want me to mow the back yard too?”
I was told not to because it’s so darn hot outside today. Anyway, when she came down she said, “you are not to do stuff outside until after I get home.”
I know it’s just a small thing but I can’t get enough of her when she is direct. I mean what’s there to be afraid of? She’s looking out for my best interests and knows I’ll go out and sweat and work if left to my own desires. I guess that’s not going to happen today.
On the flipside I had a long week of work last week – like up at 6 and not home until 10 or 11 at night. As was our pattern up until June, I’d lock and stay locked until bedtime. Then summer came and for whatever reason she allowed me to put the appliance away for a few months. At first it was a wonderful change but I soon missed it. It was as if she was denying me the ability to sacrifice on her behalf. It felt as if the leash had become too lax and her attention much diminished. Yet after I had asked more than once if she wanted me to lock and after I was told me she’d tell me when I was to put it on again, I let it be and stopped asking. Her response didn’t change how I felt. I still missed it. I still wished she would have told me to lock up if for no other reason than for me to have the thought that I am kept only for her firmly embedded in my mind.
I know I’m writing a post that has used the pronoun “I” quite a bit. It’s not that I want our WLM to be about me. I don’t. However I do want her to feel completely free to own me in an overt way that leaves no doubt that I belong to her.
Last week with my earlier than usual start times I left for work with her still asleep. I knew the routine had been to lock the week before but I thought I’d leave it to her to tell me what she wanted. On Monday while we talked on the phone midday she mentioned, “You didn’t put your appliance on.”
“I know,” I answered, and left it at that. Why she didn’t say the needed one more sentence of “make sure you don’t do it again” or “I didn’t appreciate finding this here and not on you and expect you to lock every morning,” I can’t say. But those words were never spoken and so on Tuesday I again went to work free and easy. The pattern continued through Friday and so when I awoke today (Saturday) and she was awake I texted, “lock?”
“LOL, Yea right” I answered.
Her response: “Lock it up.”
Ahh, finally!!! Directness. And so I’m secure and she’s involved in my submission and has expressed her dominance once again. Now if she will only do so without prompting when the next 100 opportunities arise I’ll be a happy submissive.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
This post is directed to the heads of households – those leading wife led marriages/female led relationships.
I don’t know if you’re like me but I hate conflict. I’m such a wimp when it comes to confronting peers. I just hate doing it. I don’t mind handing issues with those I don’t have a vested interest but when it comes to Katie, my friends, children and extended family, I’d rather keep my frustrations to myself than voice them and potentially make trouble.
Do you feel this way? For many addressing conflicts can be tough. At one level ‘something’ took place between two parties that caused a rift. Someone was offended. Someone noticed something very wrong that disturbed them. Someone didn’t appreciate what was said or implied. Someone started acting more aloof and you have no idea why. That’s how the conflict came to be and in most all cases.
Conflict is often difficult to resolve with peers because of the feelings they have for one another. This person is your friend. You have a history with them. You might even love them.
When you recognize the wrong and if you decide to address it, there may be harsh words exchanged. There may be tears. The relationship m ay be irreversibly altered. There is a risk assumed when considering if and when to address the issue at hand.
It’s that fear of the unknown; that worry with regard to what if things don’t go well that often keeps conflicts from being addressed. But if they aren’t addressed; if they aren’t resolved; the relationship is altered simply because the problem remains. It needs to be dealt with.
All of the above leads me to how this plays out within a wife led relationship. When the wife witnesses something she doesn’t approve, the responsibility falls upon her as the head of the home to address the issue. If she chooses to ignore the problem, she implicitly has addressed it. She has given her blessing for the attitude or action to continue because she has chosen to ignore the problem. If she decides to intercede she is placed in the position of being the ‘bad person’ by bringing the problem up for discussion.
As the woman in charge of your marriage, this task falls to you. However how things play out “should” - and that’s the key word, “should” - be far different than if you were the wife in a vanilla relationship. In a WLM/FLR you hold all the power. Your husband has pledged his obedience. He has pledged to embrace your decisions. He has pledged to support you and abide by your wishes. He has pledged to obey.
The mistress must take it upon herself to discuss the problem. She really has no choice. Failure to discuss or address this is an omission of her responsibility. It’s why she is called Miss, Mistress, Queen or whatever term of endearment the husband uses to show respect. The beauty of this situation within a WLM is that when she does bring the topic up she should expect is zero resistance on the part of her mate. It’s his duty to listen, to be open and honest. It is his responsibility to disclose any secrets he may be hiding or the root cause of feelings he has. It’s his job to explain himself adequately, answer questions truthfully and accept whatever consequences incurred. It’s his job to change. All the Mistress needs to do is address it to her satisfaction.
If the submissive lives his role there should be little to know stress placed on his mistress when she pulls him aside to address her concern. Oh, I’m sure she’ll feel uncomfortable the first few times but as her confidence improves those feeling should become a thing of the past. She should expect no backtalk; there should be no buts; there should be nothing other than an honest open confession or explanation. There should be nothing more than an ‘I’m sorry and will do better”; there should be nothing more than accepting the consequences his mistress believes is necessary to prevent the occurrence from happening again.
If the submissive is truly submissive it should be easy for the wife to confront. There should be no stress as there often is when confronting friends, peers or others. It should be even easier than when confronting a teenage child.
For me, this is but another beauty to living under Katie’s rule. Her rule is law but that law only extends as far as the rules she is willing to insist I abide by. If she sees something awry, she needs to confront me. Failure to do so serves as an indication to me that my behavior is OK to repeat. However when she does address a problem she should have the confidence to know I won’t question her authority and I will fess-up as needed.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Is it possible to lead by doing nothing? I think it is. Here is one example. The other day we invited several people join us for dinner. The day before, Katie told me what we would be serving and had me create a list of what needed to be gathered. When that was done she sent me to see which of the items we already had and what needed to be purchased. Later that day we went shopping but of course, I needed to go out the following day to get one food item I thought we had but as it turned out, needed more.
That evening Katie asked how long it would take me to get everything ready. Informing me she wanted to eat at 6 I decided 5PM would be a good starting point to begin making final preparations. So on the following day at 5 I headed to the kitchen and as planned had it ready by 6. Guests started arriving a little before 5 with the last showing up right before the meal was set out. During my hour of craziness Katie pretty much remained out of sight, letting me do the cooking while she spent time with our guests. We all enjoyed the time hanging out and eating and after eating I began gathering the dirty plates and utensils. While I cleaned the group mostly hung out in the kitchen area talking. I listened but remained busy restoring the room to its pre ‘non-messy state’.
I know I was being watched while I cooked and set out the food. I knew others noticed that I was the one doing all of the cleanup. No one sad a thing and Katie pretty much let me take care of most everything. There was the recognition that I was alone at getting everything ready and cleaning it all after. When everyone was through, I was paid the best of compliments. They thanked ME for dinner – not Katie. And I loved it.
So did Katie lead while together with friends? It was pretty clear to me she did. Other than tell me in front of a few guests “OK you can start getting things ready,” no other remark was made to indicate she was in charge. She didn’t come to check on me to see how I was coming with the meal prep; she didn’t tell me to clean up; she didn’t tell me to put things away. It all just happened. I simply followed the same routine I usually do after dinner – clean. Yet by spending, what?, a few minutes telling me what we would be serving and going over things with me for a short time, and later making sure we had everything needed and making certain she understood how long it would take me to put it all together, she effectively led. In doing so she asserted herself as the dominant partner and allowed her submissive to make her life a little easier and a whole lot less stressful. (She hates hosting.) Like I commented in the previous post, leaders think and plan, followers execute. She did that to a T this time and I did likewise, following her directives.
I wanted to write about this little event in our life to illustrate that leadership sometimes doesn’t require lots of time and effort on the part of the wife. However it needs to be intentional. Katie needed to make the decision that I’d be doing the work. She needed to place her trust in me to make it all happen. However she felt it necessary to go over things with me to insure I wouldn’t mess up or forget things. She wanted the time with friends to go off as if she had done the work – meaning, she wanted it done her way. Once she set things in motion, she pretty much stepped back and let me run with it as her submissive.
Leading takes practice. Leading needs to be a part of who the woman in charge is. I understand it’s not something that comes easily for most women. I wish it did. But with practice, that which was at one time foreign becomes familiar and given time and repetition eventually becomes natural. Katie has become a natural leader in many aspects of our marriage – not all, but increasingly more. And as she does, my love for her grows ever deeper. I admire her more. I see in her a confident woman. I see someone who has the strength to make things happen by telling me what to do. I see a woman that understands my need for leadership and is willing to give that gift of direction to me. For that I am thankful.