Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Can Chastity be Overdone?

A Dominant Woman posted recently on this very topic stating she plans to keep her hubby in a more continual lockdown during 2016 and asked if others thought she was on the right track. Some agreed; I didn’t.

It is my opinion –  and only that – that chastity should be used to reach a desired outcome without it negatively affecting the couple’s intimacy and trust.  I am not saying that what Hannah Jay is doing is wrong. That is not the intent of this post. Rather her thoughts got me thinking about how much is enough, and ... if some is good then will more be better?  Having not been in 24/7 lockdown for months at a time I can only speculate. I do know that some men have made comments indicating that is indeed what happens to them. There is a blog out there somewhere in which a British woman writes.... chastity blog... or something to that nature. She keeps her husband in total lockdown for a year and only then gives him time out of the cage for a few weeks before he's back in. She loves what it does to him. 

My concern has to do more with what is being implied by the continuous lockdown. Does that mean Mistress doesn’t want him inside anymore? Does that mean traditional intercourse is no longer her priority or desire? Does it mean 'that' part of their relationship has come and gone and will be no more? If Katie said ‘yes’ to any of the above it would deeply sadden me as it would mark an end to a very special part of who we are as a couple. I love making love with her. I love both how I feel and how I make her feel. It's a very special time for me to give of myself to her.

I know chastity works and does so in multiple ways. It serves as a concrete reminder of who the man is toward his mistress. It serves as the ultimate deterrent to self pleasuring. It acts to not only remove temptation but also channel a man's energy and refocus that energy on its desired purpose - his mistress. Now, as to how that all works seems pretty straightforward to me. Chastity is a means of forced denial and denial is known to raise certain hormone levels which have a nurturing, cultivating effect on the male mind.  However what I’ve seen in my own life is this: when it stays on too long and never comes off – or, for that matter if the appliance comes off and there’s still no desire on her part for some hanky-panky, there is a sense of loss - despite whatever hormonal changes are in effect. It’s as if I begin feeling ‘why am I doing this?’ 'doesn't she want me?' 'Why doesn't she want to make love?' ‘I thought you loved me?’ I associate Katie's desire for physical intimacy as one of the strongest indicators of her love for me. It's not the only but it's a part of what I believe is the complete package when it comes to expressing one's love.

On the flip side Katie is often overly lenient with me when it comes to keeping me in the cage. I’m now back in it now after having been out for the past two weeks. I’ve taken a vacation and because I’m home she’s not opted to have me wear the device. Is that good or bad? I don’t know that it much matters what I think. I just do what I’m told but, as I said earlier, being in the cage changes a man and I know I often wished she’d tell me to lock up at some point during that vacation period.  Why? Because that serves an vivid expression of her dominance. It would be akin to her making me stay locked at night - something she hasn't made me do in months. I lock in the morning and unlock at bedtime. But what if I asked her tonight if I could unlock and she said no? That's power. That's being a mistress. And its fun - until the 5 AM wake up call from inside the cage.

So the question for me is: what does the mistress want to get out of locking him up? If she wants to curb masturbation then he should be locked 24/7 or at least whenever he is out of her sight; even if just for a few minutes. The temptation can be that great with some men. Give him time alone and he can undo all she wants to change. 

If she wants to remind him he isn’t of equal status (even though he’s loved dearly) then use of the device can be a great tool although there are lots of ways to reinforce that concept. For example, had Katie told me one day last week to lock up just because she had the right to do so, that power speaks volumes and will continue to speak throughout the day while I thought back on that brief moment in time when she told me to lock just because. Feeling the cage on. Knowing you're probably the only one at work wearing one; having to sit to urinate; knowing you need to be careful how you hug or get close to another all reinforce that you aren't like most. You belong to another - to your mistress.

If the goal is to remove the constant desire for sex from his mind, well good luck with that.  Just because he can’t doesn’t mean the mind will necessarily follow. I believe for several weeks the opposite will take place and if there is still no chance of freedom and the mistress remains strong in keeping him lock then I do believe the desire to have sex will diminish. In this case the mistress has broken the 'sexual spirit' of her sub. She's outlasted his will by denying him or keeping the key out of sight. My concern should that bridge be crossed is, will there be repercussions to being told ‘no’ by the fact that the key isn’t going to show up any time soon? 

Maybe not assuming a continual lockdown is accompanied by being required to service her needs orally rather than by use of his little soldier. I can't answer that question. I’ve never been there but I welcome the thoughts of others.  I know some readers are never locked but live on an honor system. I commend you for your strength. I know I am not that strong. For you, the question may not be ‘can chastity be overdone’ but rather can one go without intercourse and still remain intimately bonded?

I remember seeing a video online where a man intentionally used liquid steel to 'cement' his cage on permanently. Why one would do that is beyond me but this guy did.  As I watched that I did so feeling much tension. I would never want that. I just couldn't be that man. Yet in some ways I am that man when viewed by someone who has never been caged. Time spent with the cage on is a state of permanence. One man may remain locked for a week; others for a month; others for a year. The reasoning might be play oriented; it might be a behavior deterrent; it might be a statement of her power and his loss of that same power. 

But for whatever the reason I wonder still - can it be overdone? Obviously if the mistress locks and throws the key away I think so but the gray in this issue is when does long become too long? Every man and woman might think differently and in that gray the mistress must choose wisely.

I’m Hers


  1. Hi buddy. Wonderful post, as usual. I have some thoughts on chastity/cage time. For me, I make the distinction between chastity in general and the use of a device. I know it's not the same for all submissive men, but I am ALWAYS in chastity, yet it is more rare as time goes on that I actually wear the device. I am in constant chastity in that I am only allowed to touch my penis when authorized to do so, and under the direct supervision of Mistress K. The exception being natural body functions and cleaning (showering).

    In our relationship, my chastity is self regulated because I have been able to demonstrate to Mistress that I can be trusted not to violate her trust. I suppose I am lucky in that regard. Mistress made this easy for me by declaring that a violation of this particular rule is akin to infidelity. It would be only slightly less severe than if I had sex with another woman without her knowledge. When Mistress put it in those terms, it became easy (for me anyway) to put this in it's proper perspective.

    That being, I agree with you. There is a definite affect on me when Mistress has me wear a cage. I think it is a positive effect, even when she has me wear it simply because she "can. On New Year's Eve, I awoke and was told to wear my cage for the entire day because Mistress wanted to say goodbye to 2015 with my cock symbolically caged. That day I had my constant reminder of my place and role in our marriage and it had the effect of making me feel loved, wanted and appreciated.

    I know it's different for everyone, but I am grateful for not having to wear my cage often. If for no other reason, it makes peeing sooooo much easier when I am not wearing the cage.

    To answer your question ... YES, I do believe it can be overdone, but like everything else, whether it is overdone or not is determined by the unique set of circumstance in each relationship.

    Happy New Year buddy!

    1. SHIP, thanks for the great comment. You know what struck me was your wife's take on you messing around with yourself - that it was equivalent to infidelity. I never really thought of it as that and yet it is. Infidelity begins in the mind and that's what masturbation is. A mind thing with a physical expression. Too bad more men don't view it as she does (and made you to do so).

  2. I'll just throw in my two cents. My wife doesn't allow me to masturbate. Ejaculation is by her permission only. I don't wear a device. She knows I wouldn't lie to her about anything, so she only has to ask "Did you play with yourself today?" and my answer will be the truth.

    There are consequences for masturbation, and they are severe enough that masturbation hasn't happened since we began this. I can touch it, but under no circumstance can I pull on it. My ejaculation schedule could vary between once every three days to once a month. Before anyone says once out of three day is nothing, keep in mind she insist on riding it for about thirty minutes a day with her receiving multiple orgasms in that time. Semen retention has extended her pleasure greatly, and she says she's not going back.

    But yes, I think there is such a thing as two long. Testicles need to ascend and descend, and the prostate needs to be relieved. The best thing for that is orgasm. We've tried prostate massage, and it just doesn't work for me. A cage interferes with all the genital functions from nocturnal erections to regulating temperature of the testicles.

    1. Anonymous,
      Thanks for sharing. I admire that you can be honest - that you have the courage to tell the truth knowing the consequences will be significantly unpleasant. I don't know that release is a necessity however and I can vouch that testicles can ascend and descend just fine in a device to maintain the desired temperature control they seek. I've done extensive research on Google scholar looking for issues with denial and have found nothing. Yea there are those that speculate but then again, one can speculate anything. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Much to think about and hard really to answer as we all are a little different.
    Chastity for us really involves orgasm denial but not denial of intercourse. I am not allowed to masturbate or to have an orgasm. She has told me that I will never have a regular orgasm again. To some that is excessive, but not to us. My wife loves intercourse and I have learned to last until she says enough. Her pleasure is paramount to me, her pleasure is my pleasure. It comes from my desire to put her first.
    I have never been caged and most likely never will be, my wife sees no need. She expects obedient, and that is what she gets.
    How long is too long? To me "too long" would be when I am ignored, forgotten, or taken for granted and that would not have to be any real length of time .
    To lose the feeling of closeness and intimacy that intercourse brings would be to much for us. How some go without that togetherness is hard for us to grasp. But, that is just us.
    In the end, it is as you said, "each Mistress much choose wisely".

    1. DLsKnight, I agree wholeheartedly with your definition of 'too long'. That it's when one is forgotten, ignored, etc. It's a place I hope to never experience. It seems Katie has a mindset akin to your wife. It's been nearly a year since the last time and she has made no remarks to indicate she has any intention to change her way of thinking. I'm struggling with that a little and yet I understand 'this' is part of the territory when living as her submissive. Hope all is well!

  4. I guess I'm the exception to the others that have posted here.

    First of all, my wife and I consider ourselves polyamorous (basically non-monogamous). So she can get intercourse elsewhere with my full knowledge and consent. And while I've never been caged more than a few months at a time, I'm something of a cuckhold. I'm free to pursue other relationships as well, although they're all with dominant women and my wife continues to hold the key to my cage.

    My wife and I have plenty of sexual intimacy, but I service her orally, manually and with a strap-on. Over time, I've learned to accept that my own orgasms are extremely rare, and never through intercourse. But that's OK. I get my pleasure through my own denial and knowing that I've satisfied her in whatever way she requires.

    As someone else said, what works for each couple is unique to them. I see and touch my dick a few times a year, but in my own mind it's a challenge I've undertaken willingly and I push myself to not only accept it, but take pride in my accomplishments when I have to endure longterm caging.

    1. Anonymous, thank you for taking the time to post. As you pointed out, "its what works for any one couple, and we are all unique in how we do things." My takeaway from your thoughts are that you have embraced your position within in the framework of what your wife permits/restricts. Being able to take pride in something is much different than coping with something. I'm hoping the fact that you take pride is an indicator that you enjoy how she keeps you chaste and that you can embrace her philosophy on release and denial. Hope to hear from you again.

  5. I'm Hers - i think you are being pretty judgemental. You write

    'Does that mean Mistress doesn’t want him inside anymore? Does that mean traditional intercourse is no longer her priority or desire? Does it mean 'that' part of their relationship has come and gone and will be no more? If Katie said ‘yes’ to any of the above it would deeply sadden me as it would mark an end to a very special part of who we are as a couple. I love making love with her. I love both how I feel and how I make her feel. It's a very special time for me to give of myself to her.'

    Now, it may be true that YOU equate true intimacy with penetrative sex. But, Owner and i have been very happily together now for over a decade and in that time we have only ever had penetrative sex on about half a dozen occasions and not at all for the last 6 years. In that time i have been both in and out of chastity. Owner does not require my penis for Her sexual pleasure and i do not miss the 'pressure of performance'. In a way we are both left happy and satisfied. We are still intimate and still ejoy and very happy and active sex life on Her terms. The only prenetration that takes place is me of Her with my tongue or Her of me with Her strapon.

    People choose chastity or have it imposed upon them for many reasons and people can be extremely intimate and in a loving relationship even without there being any form of penetrative sex involved. Variety is the spice of life and i think you are being unduly judgemental in this case.


    1. IH doesn't need me to come to his rescue, but he's not being judgmental in the least. What he's doing is pointing a fact that is relevant and important to him in his life with his wife. If it doesn't ring true in your world, it's because it is not relevant to you in your world. Just like your relationship with your owner and it's uniqueness, is not relevant to others when trying to compare. At the end of the story, none of it is judgmental ... it's unique

    2. Happy Pet, I'm sorry you took what I wrote as being judgmental. I didn't write with that intention. In the example you noted, I personalized that thought to me. For me, if we no longer participated in traditional sex that would be deeply saddening.... because... Katie is not one that particularly enjoys me treating her orally. So, for me, if what we have no longer existed, I wonder if there would ever be anything? And that thought saddens me.

      I understand that everyone is different. I know that Hannah Jay, the woman that sparked this thought does things differently than Katie does with me and yet she and her husband live quite contentedly and seem very much in love. I agree we are all different and I think we always will be. It's human nature to for us as a people to be that way - unique.

      Again, forgive me for offending you but you know... I'm glad you felt free enough to state what you did. It actually made me smile knowing you felt comfortable enough to be honest in a confrontational way. And for that, I thank you!

      Have a great weekend.

    3. SHIP, thanks for looking out for my back during the interlude between when Happy Pet posted and I had a chance to share some feedback. Even from Arizona, I feel protected. You the man!

      Have a great weekend.

  6. Hello I'm hers. The simple answer to that question is yes, of course chastity can be overdone. The not so simple addendum is the when. When is it overdone? To me one of the core tenants of a FLR is chastity. I presume it is in effect to some degree or another and in various forms in almost all FLR's. Chastity is all of what you said in your post, you covered it well. It can be exciting and constructive at the same time if welcomed by both Dom and sub. Whether a device is in use or not chastity is vital to a FLR. I believe the concerns you bring to light in your particular relationship are what most couples feel. A healthy relationship features loving consideration and mutual respect for the others needs, FLM or not. Even in the most extreme Dom/sub relationships that are successful, where the DD is harsh, the humiliation is substantial and so on, they are probably successful because both Dom and sub are having their specific needs fulfilled, at least to a good extent. I'm sure we all have a "wish List" that we enjoy checking things off of every so often.

    However, if the extreme chastity brings out any negative feelings or a loss of love and intimacy then there's the problem. That's where the couple needs to work together to reinforce the loving bond they need to have. Not all relationships find that happy co-existent place and I assume that goes with FLR's as well.

    My wife and I have specific chastity parameters in effect. Parameters that have evolved and changed. I currently don't ever wear a device. Sure I'd like to but she doesn't want use one now so that is that. Will we ever? I would like to think so and and if that happens, the extent of it's use would vary over time as well I would presume. The thing here is that I trust my Queen whole-heartedly. We both enjoy our intimacy and I don't believe for a second she would do anything to jeopardize that.

    Thanks for another thought provoking post!


  7. i am a submissive (almost a slave now after 20 years in our FLR), a cuckold and in chastity. i have not been inside my Wife for almost 13 years, if She wants penetrative sex She gets it from other very well hung men. Our intimacy comes from cunnilingus and strap-on sex (it took me a while to get used to strap-on sex, but since She loves it, i have learned to love it). i haven't had a real orgasm in about 9 years, i am either milked or get a ruined orgasm about once every two months - it keeps my prostate happy and me horny! Again it is what makes the couple happy, and in our case i am much more likely to do what makes my Wife happy even if it is only ok, or not so ok, for me. That makes me happy! And i know my Wife is happy!

    1. Thanks for the comment IstmW. You live a life far different from mine but to each his own. I think we can agree that how each of us, as men, live is dependent on the likes and dislikes of the woman we each serve. Your's happens to be different than both of what we experience is different from many others.

      My entire premise for writing and posting has become an emphasis on creating greater intimacy - which, in my humble opinion, can only be achieved when the man learns to focus, trust and give himself to the woman he loves. Call it submission, slavery, service or whatever. It's about complete devotion.

      Thanks for sharing!

  8. Hi,
    thanks a lot for your article. It is like a new breath of fresh air on the whole chastity topic. I fully understand your concerns and I agree with you. One thing I have learned from the kink comunity is that many do the same thing but for different reasons. So to me the important and final questions are the "why?"and "what are the core values?".

    I describe myself as a "full switcher" (Sorry, I don´t know another name), that means I not only switch between dominant and submissive but also between kink and vanilla, depending on my actual mood, desires and needs. I am this way do to my personal core values that are "Romantic love, sex, friendship and pleasure" and not domination, control, submission, etc,....To me that means that every kind of kink and/or vanilla play, session or lifestyle is a "way" that has to lead to my core values, my core values are my "why?".

    In my opinion the "why?" and "core values" are very important to get clarity about what is going on and to which direction is this leading. There is huge difference if a wife/dom puts him in a chastity device because she wants to have all his sexual energy used for sex with her instead of being wasted through masturbation, OR because she finds cocks and male sexuality so disgusting that it has to be locked away for as long as posible. There is a big difference if she uses a chastity device as a symbol of ownership because she loves him so much OR as a reminder of his worthless slave staus. It is a big difference if somebody is
    submissive because that person loves and cares for a beloved one OR because that same person feels worthless and sub-human.

    One thing I really don´t like about the modern day femdom is that I often find it
    hugely unromantic, asexual and male-negative, often like a expression of hardcore femenism covered under the excuse of "kink play & lifestyle" and "dominant personality". Great examples of the femdom orthodoxy of today is the long-term chastity, sissyplay, emasculation, cuckolding, no sex, no orgasm just milking, etc, etc,..

    Don´t understand me wrong if it is just a session for fun than it is nothing wrong with it. But when it becomes a lifestyle it worries me quite a bit and then I begin to question the whole relationship and the personality and reasons of the involved persons. I know that it is none of my business what people do with their privates lives but for the sake of all people interested in femdom, I think I have to speak up because it worries me that this kind of femdom is becoming the "whole standard" and that there is "no place" for other kinds of femdom. The whole comunity should point the fact out that there are other kinds of "legit" femdom-styles. I think that way becasue I am having a hardtime finding romantic, male- and sex-positive femdom and I think we need much more of that. What do you think?

    Take care! Bye!