Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Walking the Tight-Rope

I read two blog posts last week. One was from Conquer Him in which she stated her 2016 goals and the other from Femdom 101 in which Kathy made a comment to the effect that being a mistress doesn't always result in a happy husband - that he can get frustrated with some of the decisions she makes.  I responded to the Conquer Him post and she replied.  It was a brief discussion and rather than having a private discussion with her I thought I'd write my thoughts here.

The Conquer Him blog is excellent - one of my favorite.  The emphasis of that blog is empowering women to assume leadership with their partner/husband and to use his talents, abilities, skills and energy to make her fantasy life become a reality.  My hunch is that by 'fantasy', she means he will become the man she always dreamed he’d be; that he will conform to her values, interests, in a supportive rather than leadership role.  The comment by Kathy to which I referred alludes to a similar principle. Kathy leads while her husband follows. Her blog is replete with examples of her doing so. Apparently there are times when she leads in ways her husband disagrees. Sometimes he gets frustrated and yet he always obeys, because he has pledged his service as her slave-husband.  I too have felt similar frustrations. Katie will make choices I don't like and it can be frustrating to not have her decision coincide with mine. As I write she is making plans for the evening, inviting friends she wants to join us and as yet to ask me if ‘it is OK’. In fact whether or not it’s OK is a non-issue. She’s taking charge and in doing so I am not a part of her consideration. It’s just how life is in our home.

In a femdom/WLM/FLR (to me they're all the same... she's in charge, he isn't), I believe the couple walks a relative tight rope in order to make the relationship work.  For example, I've stated before that I do several chores Katie will never do again. I live in a WLM relationship but the couple next door may not. But that doesn't mean the neighbor-wife doesn't get on her husbands’ case about doing wash and cooking too. She may indeed be that way but just because she nags him (and he may comply) doesn't mean they live within a WLM philosophy. There may be tension in their marriage. There is little to none in ours. So what's the difference?

The difference is several. First I know I must obey. I have no choice but to do so. It’s the ‘contract’ I abide by and always will. Second, I don't mind doing what she wants because of what I know to be true – that she’s the dominant one and I’m submissive. That doesn’t mean I love doing all I’m told because there are times I don’t. When those situations arise my response has been to just tag along and follow. Mostly I don't think about it, I just do it. I don't hold a grudge either.

Yet, there has to be some 'give' on Katie's part to make what we have work. I love the philosophy of the Real Women Don't Do Housework (RWDDHW) blog. The 'give' they describe is through the use of the wife employing her erotic power. They encourage women to use her sexual lure to keep her husband happy and willingly compliant. Personally I like that idea. I like it because it sounds fun. I love my wifes’ sexuality. I love it even more when she directs it my way. It’s a tremendously powerful tool she has and one the folk at RWDDHW believe women should use to their advantage.  Sign me up!

Although Kathy and her husband John don’t see eye to eye at all times they mostly enjoy one another. There are things she intentionally does to meet his submissive needs. She allows him to kneel before her nightly. She has instituted various protocols that serve as reminders that she is worthy of his utmost respect. He knows his desires come second to hers. They do things together that are fun reinforce who they are as mistress and slave. She’s led him around by a leash clasped to his collar, she’s sent him to the corner to punish. In doing so she feeds his desire to serve.

Katie is no different than Kathy in some ways. I don’t agree with all she does but I know she also does things to remind me of my submissive status. The card I posted recently is an example. The content of some of her texts are another. In a way both Kathy and Katie use their erotic power - their power to remind and control - to reinforce getting what they want out of their respective husbands. 

In order for a FLR/WLM to work there has to be reward, goodies, yummies, or whatever you want to call it for both people in order for it to continue.  My contention is these positive reinforcers for men need to contain a power or sex component. If I researched long enough I could find at least a 1000 examples of men who love, and I mean love, when their wife demonstrates power. "Go get my vibe," stated the wife of sub hub from Phoenix. "Don't you dare sit over there!" called Katie one evening several years back while we were at a party.  "Go get my leash and kneel," Kathy might say. Grabbing her husband’s crotch and looking directly at him and saying “make sure you scrub the kitchen floor before lunch,” might be an erotic use of power by the RWDDHW folk. In all cases what these ladies are doing is triggering the happy/content button of their submissive men.  At least it does for this man.

Using sex can serve as a powerful reinforcer.  I don't need to give examples; just use your imagination. Sex sells. Men love sex. All a woman needs to do to keep her man where she wants is to use her sexuality to her advantage. For me it works every time. Is it manipulative on her part? Yep; sure is. Is it fun for the two of them? Yep; you better believe it. And even better it is a use of sexual manipulation in a way that expresses love as well as the power she holds over him. I love it when Katie uses her body like that. Why wouldn’t I want to obey?

Conversely, the man needs to give as well and does so by giving his time, attention, focus, gratitude, effort, support, encouragement, assistance, integrity, trust, responsibility and sexuality to his wife to use as she wants. In my experience as having lived this way for several years, the physical effort is placed on the man while the thoughtfulness of encouraging continued effort becomes the woman's burden.  For example on a typical Saturday I'll work for a few hours getting things done around the house - things she expects me to do. By the time the day is over I'll have vacuumed, done several loads of wash, cooked at least one, if not two meals, and gone where ever she wants to go.  All that takes time and energy. Katie on the other hand may work but she has no obligation to do so. That's her choice and I understand that.

What I hope is for her to think how she can encourage me in my submission and slavery. That doesn’t take hours to do but it does take thought and intentionality. Grabbing my crotch while I'm at the sink; grabbing me and telling me she loves me or this part of me or stopping me midstride to wrap her arms around me and kiss me are powerful motivators. My favorite of course is when she says, “let’s go upstairs and snuggle! Bingo!!!! That’s like striking gold.

I don't believe a woman can take a compliant husband and make him become a supportive assistant without doing something to feed his efforts. There has to be something in it for both. If not, that relationship is doomed. What man wants to give is all if she shows no appreciation for that effort? Without her thoughtfulness in meeting his needs, whatever they might be, the result will be resentment on his part and disappointment on hers when he begins fizzling.

I am a strong believer of a comment made by the author of the Woman In Control blog. She stated the majority of the responsibility (she used the number: 90%) in maintaining a wife led marriage falls on the wife. I agree. It doesn’t take much to lead once things are set properly in motion but it takes continual monitoring and directing. He will always do must of the work. It's her responsibility to make sure he continues to do so happily. That's why we call these relationships female LED and wife LED and female DOMINANT. It takes a leader. Should Katie or stop leading or slackens in her duties I will too. It’s just what happens. If she displays her feminine strength I’ll follow her like the submissive man I am.

I'm Hers


  1. My goodness. Every time i get notified that there is a "fresh" post from you, it's lie a warm blanket on a cold night. Like a cold drink on a hot day when I am thirsty. It's just so satisfying. You have a natural proclivity for putting into words the things that (almost) every true submissive man in a loving FLM/FLR/WLM (they're all the same to me too)feels. This post is no exception.

    Congratulations my friend, for continuing to be a lucid voice of logic and reason in what sometimes might be an otherwise uncertain existence for some, sometimes.

    Go Cardinals!

    1. My next one will be about an erotic dream I had about bringing another man into our relationship :)

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. Always appreciated!

  2. I think their may be many ways a leader can reinforce positive behavior in those that they lead. I for one would pick a sexual reinforcement too,those are my favorite. I have found my wife reward me with things that are non sexual and they have fulfilled me also. I think we use a lot of terms to try and define what kind of relationship we are in. But the key word is relationship itself.
    It takes at least two people agreeing to the relationship for it to work. A relationship is an ongoing exchange between people. How that exchange is done for all of us on an individual level is what we all like to hear about. How others do it. How they succeed in their own relationship. It makes all these blogs fun to read. The uniqueness of everyones FLR is so fun to learn and share. Thanks for sharing yours!!

    1. RB, I want to welcome you to the blog. We've not previously met. Thanks for sharing. I liked your thoughts. You know as I was reading your thoughts I thought that what makes a relationship so engaging is its ever changing state. I think if Katie only reinforced me sexually I might become bored - maybe - but that she does things differently all the time makes some of the more overt reinforcements that much more poignant.

      I see you have a blog and will read a few posts to see what it's like. I hope you'll do the same with mine. Thanks again.

    2. I agree that the wife has more responsibility in a WLR. Not only with the husband but also the kids and other family members.I know in are family kids ,brothers, sisters etc. will come to my wife and ask for advice but also will look for leadership from her. They know she is the Alfa in our marriage which is all the more reason that they see me as a strong supportive husband that backs her.I always love you posts as they are filled with great information it makes me proud to be in WLM. Thanks my friend. RR

    3. RR, you and I have been blog-friends for a long time. One of the things I've always enjoyed when you write is your perspective. You are a wise gentleman. Don't underestimate the value you have to your kids when it comes to passing along wisdom and recommendations. I know you want to be supportive and I know you are, but my hunch is you too have a wealth of knowledge to share. Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Thank you for an insightful post

  4. This is a great post, thank you. Lots to ponder. My Wife has enjoyed more control over me, and getting more chores done. The additional rest She gets i think helps with Her mood, and sometimes, desire to "snuggle" or, let's face it, spank. Though i think She enjoys knowing it's up to Her to decide when/how we have sex. You're spot on about a little positive reinforcement (touch etc) can make a big difference! We can only hope to get more of that! sara