Thursday, March 31, 2016

Do I want it because I'm insecure?

This may be a sensitive subject because it goes to the heart of one’s ego. Because it does, I’ll keep the post personal and leave it to you the reader to decide if my thoughts also apply to you.  Prior to meeting Katie I had no idea the world of female led relationships/marriages existed. In my world a man married a woman and they lived together and shared responsibilities equally.  That was how my first marriage was structured and how we both thrived and struggled during those years.

After that marriage failed and while a single man it was by mere chance I discovered a website that is no longer in existence that promoted both male and female slavery/dominance. For whatever reason it opened within my heart a door of desire. I found myself gravitating to the thought that relationships might exist in which a woman assumed control and guys both accepted that control and agreed to abide by her wishes.

I won’t deny that there was a significant element of excitement to all of this but that excitement moved to understanding with the help of a dominant woman I became acquainted with from that website to which I referred. We must have corresponded daily for well over a month and slowly she kept driving home the point until I finally got it that submission wasn’t about me but about the woman.  My desire to find such a person continued and although I met and fell in love with Katie without her initially knowing about this new-found knowledge I eventually approached her and we talked. She liked the idea and agreed to give it a try much to my relief and joy. The rest, as they say, is history.

So that’s my background and throughout the years since I first discovered male submission I’ve always wondered if there is an element of insecurity that ultimately drives a man to want to give up so much just so he can be under the care and direction of his wife. No I’m not saying that only the weak want to submit but I am wondering if insecurity, however suppressed or latent, is part of the drive that entices a man to want to give in to his woman.  I can remember during my first marriage arguing with my wife and at one point almost screaming, “just tell me what you want me to do.” It was as if, even back then, there was a need to obey.

As Katie’s submissive that is exactly what she does. She speaks her mind and has done it so many times I now know what she wants and often can anticipate what it is that she wants done before she ever speaks her mind. However, she still tells me and I love fetching whatever it is or doing whatever she wants.  The question is why? Why did I ask her if I could submit in the first place? Did I want/need a mommy? Why do I find contentment by letting go and following her lead? I mean, I do feel so secure and so loved in my position beneath her. Why is that? Why is it that her strength appeals to me in such a profound way. Not only is it appealing I find it sexy. Maybe it’s because my submission has permitted her to reveal her real self but could there be more to it? Why do I have a significant need to feel her power? (And it is a need. It’s why I’ve written posts about missing discipline. At the heart of those posts were an ache to feel her power and to know I am owned yet dearly loved.) Why do I want to feel overtly owned? Why is it that I get sexually aroused when she addresses my shortcomings or asserts her authority more than usual? I’m sure men in non D/s relationships don’t respond this way. They tend to get their backs up and defend their territory. I do nothing of the sort. Instead, my response is to say ‘yes ma’am’, ‘I’m sorry Mistress’ or something similar. I want to correct my error or do what I can to relieve her stress. Why? Why? Why?

Do I love being her submissive because she makes me feel secure? Was there some unmet need when I was a child that Katie now fulfills? Does it make sense that a man would want to do more, relinquish all power to another, and serve at her pleasure? Does it make sense that a man, who usually thrives when in control would want to give it all to his wife?

As with most all things in life, there is a reason for the way things are. I’m not equating this as being weak. I understand that submission is the more difficult road to take. It’s easier to do less and think about others less. It’s much harder to turn one’s focus outward and give up or be forced to give up because she wants something else.  But given that, there is a reason we submissives want to submit. Yes we who have traveled this path for some time understand the benefits our submission has on our marriage. Yet there was a reason why we wanted this in the first place. Most of us weren’t told to submit by our wives. It was us men that asked for this! How strange is that?

I can say I feel an immense amount of security now that I am under Katie’s watchful eye. There is nothing like it in the world. Every directive, every chore, everything I do for her serves as a reminder that I am loved and cherished and cared for. I feel her love every time I see my pay stub and know it’s now in her account. I feel her love when she gives me a small sum of money as an allowance. I feel love whenever we make love and she climaxes yet doesn’t allow me the same outcome. I feel her love when she tells me to cook her dinner or make her lunch. I feel her love when she tells me I need to do this, rather than that. I feel her love when she tells me to go to bed because our day has come to an end.

I need to feel her ownership. It is a need she meets. There is security in our relational dynamic. Might it be because there is an insecurity component at the heart of it all?

I’m Hers

Saturday, March 26, 2016

A Hard Lesson to Learn - take 2

I don't think I explained things well in my previous post. At least I don't think I did because some comments suggested Katie's responsibility for my struggles when my intent was to make this about me adjusting to her wishes.  Hopefully I can be a little clearer this time.  What I was trying to say in a nutshell was: it can be hard not getting my way sometimes.  I gave the example of her declining to come with me on a work/travel day where I had to travel a lot and work a little.  Here's another example: I'd love to take her to New England, backpack a day into the mountains where bear canisters are required to store food. A bear canister is a plastic container that bears can't open.  My dream is to take her in to places that are so beautiful but require one to sleep in a tent, on the ground, on a sleeping pad and when she has to use the bathroom she’ll have to step off the trail (or hold it). It requires eating over a cook stove and eating a meal that is a “one pot” meal. But in the process she’ll get to commune with nature, see waterfalls, climb a mountain (or two) and see some of the most beautiful scenery God has to offer in that area. 

So, to my mistresses out there..... is it wrong for me to feel a little sad that she doesn’t' want to do that with me? Is it up to me to deal with the fact that she'll probably never ever say yes? See what I mean? Yes I’m not taking her to a holiday inn and driving up some well-traveled road along with 500 others and get of the car and say “wow, that’s pretty,” and then head down to go eat some sumptuous meal in the valley an hour later. My wish it to something 99% of the world doesn’t do. I want her to rough it with me, and in the process create a memory that will last forever. But it doesn’t look like this is going to happen and that saddens me. Am I wrong to grieve?

Tying this to my last post, can we agree that it's up to the submissive to comply with his mistress' wishes? When I ask questions like this, I wish I could force readers into stating either 'yes' or 'no'. If they did, I'd suspect the answer would be a resounding yes.

Can we agree that sometimes being told no, or having your ideas ignored or bypassed can sometimes be hurtful? Like several of you stated, men shouldn't expect to get all they want. It's not good for them. I'd go so far as to say it's not good for any of us to get all we want. To do so increases the probability of not appreciating what we do have and enjoying the things we have.

Yes I agree that for a wife-led-marriage to work it takes management on Katie's part and I'm not saying she doesn't manage. She is selfish with the time I spend away from her and that in itself is management. Just this week I asked if I could leave her for a few days to do something. After hearing me out I was told no. Now if we hadn't had company arriving the evening I’d return from this outing she might have given me the ok but instead she wanted me home. Things need to be done prior to family coming and so my time of fun was not to be.  I call that good management. Her verdict wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to get away but I also understood I’d have to obey whatever decision she arrived at. I also wanted to obey. I love when she leads overtly and this time she did.

From Katie's perspective, our relationship isn't at all about fun and games. Yes there are the times when she will tease me. Last week I was complaining about being locked all the time. Next thing I knew the bathroom door cracked open and I saw her hand pop through the small opening. She was holding her phone as the song "Mr. Lonely" by Bobby Vinton blared from the small speaker. I understood her point – which was for me to deal with being locked. We both giggled but the cage remained on.

To Katie, my submission is what it is. It’s a matter-of-fact realization of who I am to her. It’s not something she treats lightly or plays with. Her son and daughter stopped by the other morning. He commented how hungry he was and Katie offered almost immediately, "He (meaning me) is about to make breakfast. Do you want to stay and join us?" There was nothing kinky about her offer but the offer was clear regarding what I would do without question. I was not consulted and didn’t expect to be. I’m the cook; she isn’t. The family knows this to be true and Katie wasn't the least hesitant in offering my services. As it turned out, they were in a hurry and so declined.

My life is about service and loving and being practical. Katie is pragmatic if there ever was a pragmatic woman. The details of life and the home come first. Playing around by flaunting her dominance isn't something she seems to want to do or feels as if she must.  We have an understanding. She loves me and she expects me to obey her. She also expects me to love and care for her and I think what she loves most about our femdom relationship is knowing I’m here to care for her. That is the phrase she shares most. "I love that you take care of me."

And isn't that want the submissive desires most; to care for the woman who has been placed before him to serve?

I'm Hers

Friday, March 18, 2016

A Hard Lesson to Learn

Tonight I'm home alone for a few hours. Katie is out and enjoying company with girlfriends. It's something I encourage because I know she cherishes these friendships. During my alone time I started thinking about an unexpected lesson I've had to learn. 

Several years ago when I first approached her to consider a D/s relationship I did so with the thought that even though I wanted to make my relationship all about her, I also wanted it to satisfy some deep desire within me. Like so many men I wanted to feel her power. I wanted to see her become my fantasy dominatrix. Being the sophisticated guy I am I didn't come and just tell her that. In fact I did my best to disguise those very wants. I didn't let her know how much I wanted her to lock me up. I wanted her to buy in to this lifestyle rather than be scared off. But I wanted to feel her power. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted. I wanted that and so much more because it made me feel good. What I didn't know at that time was that I needed that. I needed a mistress. I needed a woman to take control.

I still don't understand it all but I do know that I function best when Katie's in full control and my choices and options are limited.  I know I'm more likely to stay on the straight and narrow when I feel her intrusive presence. I know when she slacks off I slack off as well. I know we sometimes trend precariously back in the direction of that vanilla world where we first met and fell in love.  And although that world was a wonderful one at the time I think we both subconsciously know we don't belong there. Katie loves being in charge and loves me at her beckon. It's a way of living and loving that works for us.  

Keeping us there as been a struggle at times because we are both such easy going people. I don't want to push and nag and Katie doesn't want make too many demands of me.  But if we were both honest we would agree we feel more in love when she's overtly leading and I'm intentionally serving.  Which brings me to the point of this post.  As the submissive partner I've long since learned that it's not about me.  All that stuff I wanted from her when we first ventured into the land of this unknown wasn’t for me to say, “hey let’s do this and that.” Our relationship slowly evolved and as it did Katie has paid less attention to what I want and more attention to what she wants from me.  That topic was the subject of a post a few weeks ago and some commented that I won't be truly happy without her doing the thises’ and thats I think I want and need.

I can’t say I don’t agree. I mean, I think I would become more dependent and awed if she were to become more dominant and controlling but then again, isn't submission and slavery about serving rather than me making those very choices? Isn't true submission about being the knight in the Queen/knight relationship? What slave asks of his master? What knight demands from his queen? What submissive pushes his Mistress to go places she doesn't want? It's the great quandary of the male who wants to submit to his mistress when she doesn’t want to do all of those things he wishes she would. He wants. He desires. And yet he says he belong to her.  Really? Does it make sense to push and twist situations to suit the wants of the submissive if the submissive really says all he wants to do is obey?  I don't think so.

Submission is about giving up and letting go. It's about being selfless rather than selfish. It's about swallowing ones' pride and sometimes feeling that internal ache because things didn't go as he wanted. It's about letting her lead and supporting her and doing things on her time schedule.  That's been the hard part. That's been the difficult lesson I've had to learn.  

We live in a 'me' world. The mistress, by nature of her status has an absolute right to live in that 'me' world but the submissive surely doesn’t. The submissive is pressed instead to live in her world. That sometimes means not getting his way. That means not having every kink satisfied. That means he must learn and embrace her ways and live in her world and live as she wants him to live.  She can make it as demanding or easy as she wants. No longer is about him. His decision to submit means life becomes about her.

Living this way can be tough. I have a strong will. I like to control things - or at least I did. Yet now I can't. In fact I refuse to go there. I made a decision a long time ago I didn't like the old me when I micromanaged everything and everyone. When I gave myself to Katie I made a choice to let her make the choices as they pertained to me and us.

For example just yesterday I asked if she wanted to spend a day with me while I traveled for work. I wanted her to come. I really did. She knew her schedule permitted her to do so and on the evening before I threw out the invite. She didn't bite. She spent the day as she usually did at home while I traveled alone. She had her reasons. Did I want her to come? Sure. But I knew I couldn't beg or plead or nag. I mean, I could but by doing so I'd break my vow to follow and obey. By not accepting, she declined. It really was as simple as that. By declining I was left to deal with the disappointment, however small.  I could list several such examples where things didn’t go ‘my’ way. The common theme in all was me learning to live according to her will and not become tempted to reverse that dynamic.

I'm sure I'm not alone here. We are all selfish by nature. We are all insecure. We all have needs. It’s the role of the submissive to adapt. After all, isn't that what most of us who've asked our wives to lead really want?

I'm Hers