Friday, March 18, 2016

A Hard Lesson to Learn

Tonight I'm home alone for a few hours. Katie is out and enjoying company with girlfriends. It's something I encourage because I know she cherishes these friendships. During my alone time I started thinking about an unexpected lesson I've had to learn. 

Several years ago when I first approached her to consider a D/s relationship I did so with the thought that even though I wanted to make my relationship all about her, I also wanted it to satisfy some deep desire within me. Like so many men I wanted to feel her power. I wanted to see her become my fantasy dominatrix. Being the sophisticated guy I am I didn't come and just tell her that. In fact I did my best to disguise those very wants. I didn't let her know how much I wanted her to lock me up. I wanted her to buy in to this lifestyle rather than be scared off. But I wanted to feel her power. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted. I wanted that and so much more because it made me feel good. What I didn't know at that time was that I needed that. I needed a mistress. I needed a woman to take control.

I still don't understand it all but I do know that I function best when Katie's in full control and my choices and options are limited.  I know I'm more likely to stay on the straight and narrow when I feel her intrusive presence. I know when she slacks off I slack off as well. I know we sometimes trend precariously back in the direction of that vanilla world where we first met and fell in love.  And although that world was a wonderful one at the time I think we both subconsciously know we don't belong there. Katie loves being in charge and loves me at her beckon. It's a way of living and loving that works for us.  

Keeping us there as been a struggle at times because we are both such easy going people. I don't want to push and nag and Katie doesn't want make too many demands of me.  But if we were both honest we would agree we feel more in love when she's overtly leading and I'm intentionally serving.  Which brings me to the point of this post.  As the submissive partner I've long since learned that it's not about me.  All that stuff I wanted from her when we first ventured into the land of this unknown wasn’t for me to say, “hey let’s do this and that.” Our relationship slowly evolved and as it did Katie has paid less attention to what I want and more attention to what she wants from me.  That topic was the subject of a post a few weeks ago and some commented that I won't be truly happy without her doing the thises’ and thats I think I want and need.

I can’t say I don’t agree. I mean, I think I would become more dependent and awed if she were to become more dominant and controlling but then again, isn't submission and slavery about serving rather than me making those very choices? Isn't true submission about being the knight in the Queen/knight relationship? What slave asks of his master? What knight demands from his queen? What submissive pushes his Mistress to go places she doesn't want? It's the great quandary of the male who wants to submit to his mistress when she doesn’t want to do all of those things he wishes she would. He wants. He desires. And yet he says he belong to her.  Really? Does it make sense to push and twist situations to suit the wants of the submissive if the submissive really says all he wants to do is obey?  I don't think so.

Submission is about giving up and letting go. It's about being selfless rather than selfish. It's about swallowing ones' pride and sometimes feeling that internal ache because things didn't go as he wanted. It's about letting her lead and supporting her and doing things on her time schedule.  That's been the hard part. That's been the difficult lesson I've had to learn.  

We live in a 'me' world. The mistress, by nature of her status has an absolute right to live in that 'me' world but the submissive surely doesn’t. The submissive is pressed instead to live in her world. That sometimes means not getting his way. That means not having every kink satisfied. That means he must learn and embrace her ways and live in her world and live as she wants him to live.  She can make it as demanding or easy as she wants. No longer is about him. His decision to submit means life becomes about her.

Living this way can be tough. I have a strong will. I like to control things - or at least I did. Yet now I can't. In fact I refuse to go there. I made a decision a long time ago I didn't like the old me when I micromanaged everything and everyone. When I gave myself to Katie I made a choice to let her make the choices as they pertained to me and us.

For example just yesterday I asked if she wanted to spend a day with me while I traveled for work. I wanted her to come. I really did. She knew her schedule permitted her to do so and on the evening before I threw out the invite. She didn't bite. She spent the day as she usually did at home while I traveled alone. She had her reasons. Did I want her to come? Sure. But I knew I couldn't beg or plead or nag. I mean, I could but by doing so I'd break my vow to follow and obey. By not accepting, she declined. It really was as simple as that. By declining I was left to deal with the disappointment, however small.  I could list several such examples where things didn’t go ‘my’ way. The common theme in all was me learning to live according to her will and not become tempted to reverse that dynamic.

I'm sure I'm not alone here. We are all selfish by nature. We are all insecure. We all have needs. It’s the role of the submissive to adapt. After all, isn't that what most of us who've asked our wives to lead really want?

I'm Hers

20 comments:

  1. You know sweetie what you said is only partially true. In the post from a few minutes ago I spoke of a wife's duty to her man. This is something that I truly believe in. We have a duty to understand our husband's needs. Marriage is about love and family. We need to take the lead, but we also have a duty to manage the family.

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    1. I'm not sure I understand your point. I really wasn't addressing what Katie does/doesn't do. Rather the intent of this post was to talk about obedience - about me obeying and complying with her wishes, even though mine sometimes differ. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Insightful post, thank you. Do you think that your submissive nature will, or might eventually, evolve to the point that you actually enjoy the times that your mistress makes a decision contrary to your preferences? Will you be able to revel in the fact that she has exerted her control, even though you were hoping for something else?
    Madam and I are just starting out, and have not yet met in person, so we have years of learning ahead of us. I look forward to hearing more of your own journey.
    Bear

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    1. Bear, thanks for sharing. Maybe I wasn't clear with my thoughts. I do enjoy following Katie. When I mentioned how I "needed" to submit it was so I could revel in her control. That's the 95% of my life. It's the other few times where my desires differ from her that can be tough. I'm sure a child experiences this when being raised by a parent. And besides, it's good for me to not get my way all the time. Following when we both agree is easy. Following when we don't is when our relationship dynamic is tested and forged.

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  3. I was in the middle of the comment when my phone rang. What I don't believe you understand is that being a mistress wife is about leadership. Whether it in business or in the family leadership carries with it responsibilities. One of the responsibilities of a mistress wife is to make sure her husband stays focused. This is especially important in families with children. A wife has a duty to her children to make sure that the father 'stays the course'. For example a wife may not like the idea of spanking her husband, but if it is the only thing that keeps him in focus she has an obligation to do so. Also, I believe you miss understand the meaning of being a slave husband. A husband in a femdom relationship is a treasure for a wife to love and own.

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    1. I agree that Katie is not as firm with me as she probably should be. But I can't change that. I can't make her levy the hammer, but to be honest, I'm not one to challenge her. As to your last sentence, I know I am loved. I am told that often - every day in fact. It is my service and devotion to Katie that allows her to see and feel that love in so many ways. Katie just doesn't go so far as to tell me "I own you". I feel owned, I'm just not told that. Make sense?

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  4. Hi IH, I agree with what Mistress Kathy is saying. On the whole, I get the sense that Mrs Katie is not meeting all of your submissive needs. Please don't take this as a criticism of her, it is most certainly not. I am just concerned that the longer you go without getting your submissive needs met, the more frustrated you will become. All of your recent posts have been in that regard. It's kind of a catch 22 for you (and me) as you have certain needs and wants not being met entirely, but feel you aren't entitled to have them met because she is not required to address your submissive needs because she is completely in control. I am sort of in the same boat as you. I want certain things, but I want her to want them too. She is more focused of what she wants so there goes the conundrum. You say Mrs Katie reads all your blog posts. Does she ever discuss them or ask questions. I email my spouse articles and talk about what I would like frequently. Often, very often, she never even makes a comment. Sometimes she does. I think she has reached the point of realization that she is in control and can do what she wants, regardless of my desires and wants. I can't complain because that's what I asked for and so did you. So what do we do? We defer to what she wants because this is what we signed up for. But, color me wanting more, just like you.

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    1. Wishful4, I don't mind you speaking your mind. Really I don't. I also know that the 'feel' of several of the most recent posts haven't had the most invigorating feel to it. It's not that I want more. Well maybe I do. But all in all, I am so in love and so happy with Katie. We are deeply in love. If there was a frustration it would be her lack of verbalizing what I know she feels. She tells me all the time what she wants but almost never equates that with calling me her sub or slave or telling me I have no choice but to obey. It's just not her and for whatever reason she doesn't discuss our D/s relationship at length. If I didn't bring things up, she probably wouldn't. It is what it is. But like you said, this is what we've signed up for - obeying our women :) PS..... how many men out there would just 'die' to be where we are. Lots, I believe.

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  5. A timely post and a good reminder. We have made a commitment and we know what that entails. Our wants are no longer paramount and are of no consequence to her dominance and leadership. We can express our desires in a respectful way, but that's really the extent of it.

    I fell down this rabbit hole again earlier in the week and I wasn't in a good place. Through some reflection and talking with a confidant I realised I was not living up to my commitment. I have learned to work through this first before I discuss it. When I had reflected on why I was feeling the way I was I arranged to discuss it with my wife and focussed on my feelings, not my wants. She listened to what I had to say, noted my feelings and we moved on. Far more mature way than how these discussions used to lay out.

    Ultimately I am searching for how to fully surrender to my wife so that the occasional surfacing of my selfish desires becomes a thing of the past. My commitment and service to her will be enough. Just not there yet.

    Thanks for your thoughts on this issue that seems to be a very difficult aspect to fully address.

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    1. DtBHC, Thanks for sharing. I agree - it can be difficult at times and as I mentioned in response to another comment, it's when we don't see eye to eye - that our relationship is tested - and in the process strengthened. I don't know that a guy can fully surrender. We will always have a will and maybe it's best we don't. What I mean by that is because we will never be robotic in all we do, those times of friction can serve to remind who we are - and who she is. Thanks for sharing!

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  6. Very nice post, thanks. I know here, i've learned to not say what i want, and just let my Wife decide.... it gets easier to say, "Whatever You want to do" over time.
    sara

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    1. sara, thanks for sharing. Glad you enjoyed the post.

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  7. What I believe is that everyone has special needs that must in some way be met in a relationship. It may be a need for love, for caring, or simply for dominance. Surrendering one self to a wife does not mean those needs go away. For me it is important that my husband is happy in our marriage. The problem for us has been that he tended to sweep his special needs under the carpet. While I don't like the idea of a man always bagging for more, I do expect him to communicate with me. I want to believe that there is never a thought in his head that he would not be willing to share. I love him, he is the light of my life, and my special angel. Yet, he is a man and must be managed. This does not mean giving him what he wants. Often times what men think they want is not really what they need. As wives we have an obligation to listen.

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  8. IH, I understand where you are coming from, I believe. Many of us who are blessed to truly live this way have times when we feel we are not getting that which we want or desire (sometimes things we think we Need). I, like you, believe one should man-up and soldier on to give her what she wants. Setting our wants aside and going her way on this journey is what we agreed to and even say we want. And deep down this is what we need, this control.
    But, Ms. Kathy's comment was spot-on too. This way of living is not a one way street. We each have a responsibility to the other. Ours is to serve and to protect. To supply as best we can their needs, desires, wants, and to slay their dragons. They also have a responsibility to us. They may limit or ration our wants and desires but, true needs should be met. We trust them to protect us from our perceived "needs", the ones we think we need that are really harmful for us.
    Do you need more? Or do you desire more, or yet, just want more?
    Remember, you are not alone in this. We all fight it at times. Like you said, it can be "a hard lesson to learn". It can also be that springboard to start the next climb.

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    1. DLsKnight, Thanks for sharing. I agree. This journey is a two way street. We both need to participate but I think you'll agree, it's up to her as to whether or not we will climb to another level. Always appreciate what you have to say.

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  9. This is my favorite blog, and I don't mean to be critical. Yet, men always talk about serving, and satisfying a wife's needs first. Most of the time men have no real idea what a woman really wants. It is not foot rubs or a man who cleans house. We want a partner in life who is there for us. We want love, we want affection, and a man who is both a good husband and father. In my opinion a truly submissive man who is happy living under his wife's rule is the jewel,the keeper. The key word is happy.If a man is not happy he will look for what he wants outside of the marriage. Even if he denies himself his focus will be elsewhere. Each day I receive emails from men telling me things about themselves that they should be saying to their wives. For the most part these are sweet, well intentioned men who have not a clue about what makes their wife happy. Their wife, however, has no idea that they need to feel her control in every aspect of their lives. It is a wife's duty to listen to her man, and be the best mistress she can be for him.

    As a young girl growing up in the south I was taught the value of pleasing a man. My mother, who taught me these lessons, had no idea that pleasing a man might mean spanking him or ordering him around. However, the concept that mother taught me remains the same. This morning my husband is pleasing me by cleaning house. I am pleasing him by allowing him to wear panties while doing his work. Like many of you he loves to work in panties. It makes him feel more submissive, and makes the job easier. Why, I don't know, but it does. He would not enjoy cleaning nearly as much if he was wearing jeans. The funny part is that he likes to think that I am requiring him to wear panties, and yes in fact I am requiring it. Why, because being required to wear only panties makes him happier.



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    1. Kathy.... you are making me smile now - chuckle even. I am getting the feeling you are concerned about my level of contentedness. I think you are concerned about Katie leading me effectively. It's just a hunch but it's what I think I'm reading 'between the lines' as you write. Feel free to write Katie personally on the email on the sidebar if you feel you need to. I'll gladly forward it without reading the content of your note.

      I appreciate your care and concern. I love what you have to say and the pearls of wisdom you share so freely. Please don't stop. Katie and I love you!

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  10. I remember when my wife and I first were married I would buy flowers for anniversaries because I new she liked them but I expected something in return maybe later that night after dinner yep I was selfish. Years later and living a WLM I buy her flowers just for any reason just to see that smile on her face. Our WLM has taught me what really is important. She loves leading and I love following and she allows me to be her submissive and supportive husband for the rest of my life. I couldn't ask for a better life. R R

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  11. I want to pick up on a little thread of your post: "that we sometimes trend precariously back in the direction of that vanilla world where we first met and fell in love." I think about that a lot as I realize that we - both of us in this relationship - don't have a lot of external role models from which to learn how to do this. And each of us is different in our relationship. I think it would help me to see and interact with other people having a wife-lex relationship, not that we'd be the same as them, but there's as much to learn from someone different as from someone very similar.

    Your bigger point is a different one, and I tend to agree with Kathy: "that everyone has special needs that must in some way be met in a relationship." I think that the more that special need is merry, the less the specifics of the relationship matter. And conversely, no matter how many "kinks" get satisfied in a relationship, if that special need isn't met, there will be that underlying dissatisfaction. I think that's where the "always one more kink" or "never enough" phenomena come from. The trick, of course, is being able to articulate what that one special need is, and then for both people in the relationship to find a way to fulfill it that is mutually satisfying.

    I know that this is different from whatever orthodoxy says that it's all about the woman, but I think the people who can truly set aside all of their wants and needs are few and far between, the "Marketplace" books notwithstanding.

    Thanks for a great blog and a great comment thread.

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