Friday, March 18, 2016
A Hard Lesson to Learn
Tonight I'm home alone for a few hours. Katie is out and enjoying company with girlfriends. It's something I encourage because I know she cherishes these friendships. During my alone time I started thinking about an unexpected lesson I've had to learn.
Several years ago when I first approached her to consider a D/s relationship I did so with the thought that even though I wanted to make my relationship all about her, I also wanted it to satisfy some deep desire within me. Like so many men I wanted to feel her power. I wanted to see her become my fantasy dominatrix. Being the sophisticated guy I am I didn't come and just tell her that. In fact I did my best to disguise those very wants. I didn't let her know how much I wanted her to lock me up. I wanted her to buy in to this lifestyle rather than be scared off. But I wanted to feel her power. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted. I wanted that and so much more because it made me feel good. What I didn't know at that time was that I needed that. I needed a mistress. I needed a woman to take control.
I still don't understand it all but I do know that I function best when Katie's in full control and my choices and options are limited. I know I'm more likely to stay on the straight and narrow when I feel her intrusive presence. I know when she slacks off I slack off as well. I know we sometimes trend precariously back in the direction of that vanilla world where we first met and fell in love. And although that world was a wonderful one at the time I think we both subconsciously know we don't belong there. Katie loves being in charge and loves me at her beckon. It's a way of living and loving that works for us.
Keeping us there as been a struggle at times because we are both such easy going people. I don't want to push and nag and Katie doesn't want make too many demands of me. But if we were both honest we would agree we feel more in love when she's overtly leading and I'm intentionally serving. Which brings me to the point of this post. As the submissive partner I've long since learned that it's not about me. All that stuff I wanted from her when we first ventured into the land of this unknown wasn’t for me to say, “hey let’s do this and that.” Our relationship slowly evolved and as it did Katie has paid less attention to what I want and more attention to what she wants from me. That topic was the subject of a post a few weeks ago and some commented that I won't be truly happy without her doing the thises’ and thats I think I want and need.
I can’t say I don’t agree. I mean, I think I would become more dependent and awed if she were to become more dominant and controlling but then again, isn't submission and slavery about serving rather than me making those very choices? Isn't true submission about being the knight in the Queen/knight relationship? What slave asks of his master? What knight demands from his queen? What submissive pushes his Mistress to go places she doesn't want? It's the great quandary of the male who wants to submit to his mistress when she doesn’t want to do all of those things he wishes she would. He wants. He desires. And yet he says he belong to her. Really? Does it make sense to push and twist situations to suit the wants of the submissive if the submissive really says all he wants to do is obey? I don't think so.
Submission is about giving up and letting go. It's about being selfless rather than selfish. It's about swallowing ones' pride and sometimes feeling that internal ache because things didn't go as he wanted. It's about letting her lead and supporting her and doing things on her time schedule. That's been the hard part. That's been the difficult lesson I've had to learn.
We live in a 'me' world. The mistress, by nature of her status has an absolute right to live in that 'me' world but the submissive surely doesn’t. The submissive is pressed instead to live in her world. That sometimes means not getting his way. That means not having every kink satisfied. That means he must learn and embrace her ways and live in her world and live as she wants him to live. She can make it as demanding or easy as she wants. No longer is about him. His decision to submit means life becomes about her.
Living this way can be tough. I have a strong will. I like to control things - or at least I did. Yet now I can't. In fact I refuse to go there. I made a decision a long time ago I didn't like the old me when I micromanaged everything and everyone. When I gave myself to Katie I made a choice to let her make the choices as they pertained to me and us.
For example just yesterday I asked if she wanted to spend a day with me while I traveled for work. I wanted her to come. I really did. She knew her schedule permitted her to do so and on the evening before I threw out the invite. She didn't bite. She spent the day as she usually did at home while I traveled alone. She had her reasons. Did I want her to come? Sure. But I knew I couldn't beg or plead or nag. I mean, I could but by doing so I'd break my vow to follow and obey. By not accepting, she declined. It really was as simple as that. By declining I was left to deal with the disappointment, however small. I could list several such examples where things didn’t go ‘my’ way. The common theme in all was me learning to live according to her will and not become tempted to reverse that dynamic.
I'm sure I'm not alone here. We are all selfish by nature. We are all insecure. We all have needs. It’s the role of the submissive to adapt. After all, isn't that what most of us who've asked our wives to lead really want?