Thursday, March 31, 2016

Do I want it because I'm insecure?

This may be a sensitive subject because it goes to the heart of one’s ego. Because it does, I’ll keep the post personal and leave it to you the reader to decide if my thoughts also apply to you.  Prior to meeting Katie I had no idea the world of female led relationships/marriages existed. In my world a man married a woman and they lived together and shared responsibilities equally.  That was how my first marriage was structured and how we both thrived and struggled during those years.

After that marriage failed and while a single man it was by mere chance I discovered a website that is no longer in existence that promoted both male and female slavery/dominance. For whatever reason it opened within my heart a door of desire. I found myself gravitating to the thought that relationships might exist in which a woman assumed control and guys both accepted that control and agreed to abide by her wishes.

I won’t deny that there was a significant element of excitement to all of this but that excitement moved to understanding with the help of a dominant woman I became acquainted with from that website to which I referred. We must have corresponded daily for well over a month and slowly she kept driving home the point until I finally got it that submission wasn’t about me but about the woman.  My desire to find such a person continued and although I met and fell in love with Katie without her initially knowing about this new-found knowledge I eventually approached her and we talked. She liked the idea and agreed to give it a try much to my relief and joy. The rest, as they say, is history.

So that’s my background and throughout the years since I first discovered male submission I’ve always wondered if there is an element of insecurity that ultimately drives a man to want to give up so much just so he can be under the care and direction of his wife. No I’m not saying that only the weak want to submit but I am wondering if insecurity, however suppressed or latent, is part of the drive that entices a man to want to give in to his woman.  I can remember during my first marriage arguing with my wife and at one point almost screaming, “just tell me what you want me to do.” It was as if, even back then, there was a need to obey.

As Katie’s submissive that is exactly what she does. She speaks her mind and has done it so many times I now know what she wants and often can anticipate what it is that she wants done before she ever speaks her mind. However, she still tells me and I love fetching whatever it is or doing whatever she wants.  The question is why? Why did I ask her if I could submit in the first place? Did I want/need a mommy? Why do I find contentment by letting go and following her lead? I mean, I do feel so secure and so loved in my position beneath her. Why is that? Why is it that her strength appeals to me in such a profound way. Not only is it appealing I find it sexy. Maybe it’s because my submission has permitted her to reveal her real self but could there be more to it? Why do I have a significant need to feel her power? (And it is a need. It’s why I’ve written posts about missing discipline. At the heart of those posts were an ache to feel her power and to know I am owned yet dearly loved.) Why do I want to feel overtly owned? Why is it that I get sexually aroused when she addresses my shortcomings or asserts her authority more than usual? I’m sure men in non D/s relationships don’t respond this way. They tend to get their backs up and defend their territory. I do nothing of the sort. Instead, my response is to say ‘yes ma’am’, ‘I’m sorry Mistress’ or something similar. I want to correct my error or do what I can to relieve her stress. Why? Why? Why?

Do I love being her submissive because she makes me feel secure? Was there some unmet need when I was a child that Katie now fulfills? Does it make sense that a man would want to do more, relinquish all power to another, and serve at her pleasure? Does it make sense that a man, who usually thrives when in control would want to give it all to his wife?

As with most all things in life, there is a reason for the way things are. I’m not equating this as being weak. I understand that submission is the more difficult road to take. It’s easier to do less and think about others less. It’s much harder to turn one’s focus outward and give up or be forced to give up because she wants something else.  But given that, there is a reason we submissives want to submit. Yes we who have traveled this path for some time understand the benefits our submission has on our marriage. Yet there was a reason why we wanted this in the first place. Most of us weren’t told to submit by our wives. It was us men that asked for this! How strange is that?

I can say I feel an immense amount of security now that I am under Katie’s watchful eye. There is nothing like it in the world. Every directive, every chore, everything I do for her serves as a reminder that I am loved and cherished and cared for. I feel her love every time I see my pay stub and know it’s now in her account. I feel her love when she gives me a small sum of money as an allowance. I feel love whenever we make love and she climaxes yet doesn’t allow me the same outcome. I feel her love when she tells me to cook her dinner or make her lunch. I feel her love when she tells me I need to do this, rather than that. I feel her love when she tells me to go to bed because our day has come to an end.

I need to feel her ownership. It is a need she meets. There is security in our relational dynamic. Might it be because there is an insecurity component at the heart of it all?

I’m Hers

18 comments:

  1. Those are all good questions. And being submissive I've had many of the same in my mind. I do know it makes for a better marriage. For me I asked for her dominance because I'm in a very high stress job and it helped release that tension. Maybe you should ask Katie.
    archedone

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    1. Archedone, Glad you stopped back to comment. I find it curious that you too have given this some thought. And as Her Subject (below) commented, that it may not be important but I find it interesting that your comment reflects a need for a type of reprieve from the pressures of life outside the home. I have asked Katie and she doesn't know, but then again, she can't feel all I feel at times. Our emotions and personalities can be quite confusing and hard to diagnose. Thanks for sharing your two cents.

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  2. Is it really important for you to know why? Psychologists spend life times on it and still can’t figure it out. My wife and I don’t talk about why, at least not deeply, and neither of us are interested. We don’t know why we are not interested, but we never felt it had any importance. We just know we enjoy it and that’s the end of it. Most of our mental efforts are on why our children are the way they are.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts HS. I don't know if it is important. I was raising the question partly because I've given this some thought but also because I wondered if other submissives have given this equal thought. My hunch is that submissives have an insecurity about them that draws them to one that gives them the security they need (via leadership, direction, setting boundaries, etc) and in so doing the two together make for a team that functions well. Maybe that's why we don't want to talk about it - no need to upset the apple cart, if you know what I mean.

      Thanks again for sharing and hope you do so again.

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    2. I have actually thought this a lot, probably enough to fill a chapter. I’ve kept it mostly to myself though. It’s full of contradictions with no conclusion. I have ruled out security, attention, and stress. It has made my marriage different, but I can’t say if it’s better or worse. Just different. If I’d force myself to a conclusion, I’d say it’s for selfish reason of wanting to make the mundane sexy, such as making washing the dishes sexy.
      Much of it is my nudging my wife along. She is not eager to take charge. She does it out of adventurous spirit. Just to try something new. Then later she doesn’t want to revert back. Like a ratchet. I push us moving forward, but then sometimes I’d have second thoughts after I try it. Then my wife puts a stop from reversing. I lead us into a new area, then my wife takes over and I lose control. I feel I’m doing all the leading, but only to lose control to my wife. So who is really in charge? Or we are really equals like yin and yang? It’s full of contradictions and I can’t sort out the logic. “You teach me how to do FLR,” my wife said it to me like an order. That statement is contradictory in and of itself.
      If you’d like to know if I put much thoughts into it, yes I have. But then no questions is answered, and I don’t see anyone can answer them, I never thought of any importance to bring them up.
      My wife has made it clear that she likes it, and that’s why we are not reverting. But she doesn't move forward. I do that.

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  3. Baby, it is because you are a normal male.

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    1. Mistress Kathy, you do know how to make me smile :). Is it really that simple? Are you saying all men are like me and your John? I thought you said, not all men were cut out of the same mold to submit. Does that make them the insecure/odd/defective men of the world... or are they just lost souls wandering in the hope of realizing they too need a mistress to serve.

      Love you taking the time to share. You're the best!

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  4. No, not all men are like you and my guy, but there are a lot more of you out there than anyone would guess. Suppose being a submissive male was all of a sudden socially acceptable. How many men would come out as being submissive?

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    1. Good point. I think at least 2-3x's what there are now but if there were men like me, they would have no idea that submission is what's best for them. But then again, if their buddies at work were submissive and talked about it openly (and weren't ashamed of saying so) you're probably right - there would indeed be a high percentage that would love to look up to their wife. The other part of the equation of course is female comfort with leading - something many women don't even consider although most are closet mistresses (eg. leaders).

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  5. Hi IH, I think we all have insecurities, some more than others. Think of it as more like we live one life at home and another at work. At work, there was no mistake who was in command. The buck stopped with me. However, I couldn't wait to get home and assume my other life as a submissive. Now that I'm fully retired, my wish is to deepen my submission but she is happy with the status quo. So here we are. No matter what type of male we are, I think we all strive for approval and acceptance from the people we work for and who work under us. We also need the same from the Mistress we serve. We need to be acknowledged and our efforts appreciated. That's just normal human needs. My spouse still insists we are in a 50/50 relationship but that's not really what it is if we were compared to the average couple out there. That's not what I really want. When I press the issue, she says she knows what I want so I just go along trying to serve and make her happy hoping she will say and do the right things. She is moving in the right direction and, hopefully, Mrs Katie is too.

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    1. Thanks Wishful4. I think you and I live somewhat parallel lives - both having "somewhat controlling" mistresses as wives, and both wishing they'd be a bit more overt in there marital dominance. Like you noted - yours is moving in the right direction as is Katie. I only wish the progression didn't take quite as long LOL. I would love to feel truly owned (and still loved). Is that possible?

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  6. Hi I'm-Hers!

    Like other commenters, I've had similar thoughts too.

    For me, being dominated is security, so yes I guess there is an insecurity aspect for it to me as well.

    I feel that if a woman is interested in dominating me, that is some kind of proof that she really must "want/desire/care for" me. And a bit beyond that, if she dominates me then she must be doing it because she enjoys and gets something out of it for herself. So I'm fulfilling her happiness and pleasure which bolsters my own self-esteem in the process.

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    1. jen smith, I agree - this is a two-way street. and as Kathy pointed out below, we all have insecurities. Our attention feeds their need for attention and vice versa. Yes, the way we as D/s couples go about it is different than what is currently accepted by most but if that mutual back-scratching doesn't occur, no one feels loved, regardless of the set up of the relationship. I always enjoy hearing from you (see, I just fed your insecurity in the hopes you'll drop by again sometime :)

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    2. LOL - it worked - here I am again :-)

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  7. Don't forget that women have insecurities also. There are very few of us who are naturally dominant. My own daughter is a good example.
    When approached by her husband to become his mistress she had self doubts. Could I really do this she asked herself. She came to me for advice and to some extent reassurance. What I told her is that if it is important for their marriage most women have it within them selves to become a mistress to their man. The hard part is over coming the self doubts that go with new challenges. My daughter, like most young women,
    often has doubts about what she is doing, a course of action, or even deciding on a punishment, but she has learned to overcome these doubts.
    And, over time, as her confidence level grows she will become a better wife and a better mistress. For many of us being a better wife and a better mistress are kind of the same thing. Each of you men who have women in your life who have risen to the ranks of mistress should be aware of the courage it took for her to accept the challenge. Each of you should thank the lady, each and every day, for being your mistress. It is not always an easy task. Love, Kathy

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    1. I think there are lots and lots of "Becky's" out there. What is so beautiful to see take place is her embracing of the dominance her husband desires (and probably needs). It really is a beautiful thing to see from afar as I read your posts. I know Katie has her own insecurities and like others have commented above, by being dominant, she can ensure her own needs are met and fulfilled by how she directs me. Gosh I wish she'd see that in a chrystally clear way. I have even more to give her if she'd only demand it.

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  8. I'm Hers, do you remember to thank her for being your mistress?

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    1. I sure do! Tell her most every day.

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