Thursday, March 31, 2016
Do I want it because I'm insecure?
This may be a sensitive subject because it goes to the heart of one’s ego. Because it does, I’ll keep the post personal and leave it to you the reader to decide if my thoughts also apply to you. Prior to meeting Katie I had no idea the world of female led relationships/marriages existed. In my world a man married a woman and they lived together and shared responsibilities equally. That was how my first marriage was structured and how we both thrived and struggled during those years.
After that marriage failed and while a single man it was by mere chance I discovered a website that is no longer in existence that promoted both male and female slavery/dominance. For whatever reason it opened within my heart a door of desire. I found myself gravitating to the thought that relationships might exist in which a woman assumed control and guys both accepted that control and agreed to abide by her wishes.
I won’t deny that there was a significant element of excitement to all of this but that excitement moved to understanding with the help of a dominant woman I became acquainted with from that website to which I referred. We must have corresponded daily for well over a month and slowly she kept driving home the point until I finally got it that submission wasn’t about me but about the woman. My desire to find such a person continued and although I met and fell in love with Katie without her initially knowing about this new-found knowledge I eventually approached her and we talked. She liked the idea and agreed to give it a try much to my relief and joy. The rest, as they say, is history.
So that’s my background and throughout the years since I first discovered male submission I’ve always wondered if there is an element of insecurity that ultimately drives a man to want to give up so much just so he can be under the care and direction of his wife. No I’m not saying that only the weak want to submit but I am wondering if insecurity, however suppressed or latent, is part of the drive that entices a man to want to give in to his woman. I can remember during my first marriage arguing with my wife and at one point almost screaming, “just tell me what you want me to do.” It was as if, even back then, there was a need to obey.
As Katie’s submissive that is exactly what she does. She speaks her mind and has done it so many times I now know what she wants and often can anticipate what it is that she wants done before she ever speaks her mind. However, she still tells me and I love fetching whatever it is or doing whatever she wants. The question is why? Why did I ask her if I could submit in the first place? Did I want/need a mommy? Why do I find contentment by letting go and following her lead? I mean, I do feel so secure and so loved in my position beneath her. Why is that? Why is it that her strength appeals to me in such a profound way. Not only is it appealing I find it sexy. Maybe it’s because my submission has permitted her to reveal her real self but could there be more to it? Why do I have a significant need to feel her power? (And it is a need. It’s why I’ve written posts about missing discipline. At the heart of those posts were an ache to feel her power and to know I am owned yet dearly loved.) Why do I want to feel overtly owned? Why is it that I get sexually aroused when she addresses my shortcomings or asserts her authority more than usual? I’m sure men in non D/s relationships don’t respond this way. They tend to get their backs up and defend their territory. I do nothing of the sort. Instead, my response is to say ‘yes ma’am’, ‘I’m sorry Mistress’ or something similar. I want to correct my error or do what I can to relieve her stress. Why? Why? Why?
Do I love being her submissive because she makes me feel secure? Was there some unmet need when I was a child that Katie now fulfills? Does it make sense that a man would want to do more, relinquish all power to another, and serve at her pleasure? Does it make sense that a man, who usually thrives when in control would want to give it all to his wife?
As with most all things in life, there is a reason for the way things are. I’m not equating this as being weak. I understand that submission is the more difficult road to take. It’s easier to do less and think about others less. It’s much harder to turn one’s focus outward and give up or be forced to give up because she wants something else. But given that, there is a reason we submissives want to submit. Yes we who have traveled this path for some time understand the benefits our submission has on our marriage. Yet there was a reason why we wanted this in the first place. Most of us weren’t told to submit by our wives. It was us men that asked for this! How strange is that?
I can say I feel an immense amount of security now that I am under Katie’s watchful eye. There is nothing like it in the world. Every directive, every chore, everything I do for her serves as a reminder that I am loved and cherished and cared for. I feel her love every time I see my pay stub and know it’s now in her account. I feel her love when she gives me a small sum of money as an allowance. I feel love whenever we make love and she climaxes yet doesn’t allow me the same outcome. I feel her love when she tells me to cook her dinner or make her lunch. I feel her love when she tells me I need to do this, rather than that. I feel her love when she tells me to go to bed because our day has come to an end.
I need to feel her ownership. It is a need she meets. There is security in our relational dynamic. Might it be because there is an insecurity component at the heart of it all?