Saturday, May 28, 2016
I read something which led me to the internet in search of the source. I found what I was looking for but as I continued to read I saw more from that same source. It spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. Her's what caught my attention:
“Our greatest emotional need is for intimacy. Beyond the primary needs for food, water, sleep, and air to breathe, intimacy is the greatest need of the human person.
Life is a self-revelation. Life expands in direct proportion to our ability to reveal ourselves to others and to the world around us. Yet most people spend most of their lives hiding their true selves and pretending they are somebody that they are not.
We want intimacy. We need intimacy. But we are afraid. We are desperately afraid that if people really knew who we are and what we are capable of, they would reject us. As a result, our fear of rejection (driven by our need for acceptance) and out of need for intimacy are constantly at odds with each other.
All relationships can be measured by our ability to share ourselves with others. We must press beyond the clichés of our common conversation and the facts of our daily lives. If we are to reveal ourselves and enjoy intimacy we must learn to share and discuss our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our deepest feelings, our legitimate needs, and our fears, faults, and failures. The more two people are able to share and accept without judgment, the more intimacy they will enjoy.
Intimacy is measured by self-revelation. The more you share yourself with others the more intimacy you will have. The more you hide yourself from others the shallower your relationships will be.”
The previous post contained an admission of frustrations and feelings I had been feeling for much of the late winter/early spring season. I aired those feelings in a post (but out of guilt, never put that post up until last week and did so for reasons separate from my initial intention). As I noted last week posting thoughts and feelings publicly that were meant only for Katie wasn't the best way to go about forcing a discussion. What I needed to do was to follow the advice stated above. I needed to allow myself to become vulnerable. I needed to open my heart to Katie in a personal way. I needed to let HER know how I really felt. I needed to risk rejection. I needed to get things off my chest; I needed to open my heart; I needed to share openly and honestly.
What I did instead was internalize my feelings. I kept things hidden from my wife. Given the advantage of time and space I can see now there was no way things would ever have ever changed given that path. How was Katie to ever know what I was thinking? She may not have even been aware that I was different because the ‘difference’ was taking place in my mind and heart. The 'difference' revealed itself by me not doing the things I mentioned in that last post – cleaning the cat litter, straightening the bathroom, planning meals, etc. Yes, Katie may have known something was going on but it was my fear that was forcing the issue and placing it on her to address. My hope was she’d sit me down and ask. The question I ask myself now though was why was I so afraid to sit her down instead of hoping she'd do the same?
The reason had to do with my fear of rejection and that fear created an ever larger wedge into the intimacy we shared. I wasn’t able to love her the way I knew I wanted and she probably was wondering why she couldn’t emotionally connect with her husband the way she usually could.
I know this. I’ve been down this road before. I don’t like rejection. I fear it. What I fail to remember is the depth of Katie’s love for me. She’d never reject me, never. Yet my insecurity rears its head every now and again.
I’m writing about me, but I’m writing about you too. I’m sure there are times when you struggle to muster up the courage to talk with your wife about this or that. I’m sure there are things you wish you could do or try but struggle to talk with her because you’re afraid she will say no. I’m sure you wish you could go do things with friends but hesitate to ask your mistress because she thinks your plans are not the best. For those of you that struggle with openness and honesty, I hope you can see the only way to bridge the gap from an ok love relationship to a fantastic one is to bare your soul.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
A little more than a month ago I wrote sent a draft of a proposed post to Katie to read and approve. On this particular day I knew her review wouldn't be received with the usual "looks good, post it" remark. I had been feeling down for quite some time and decided to vent my frustrations via a blog post. My choice was obviously not the best but I did what I did. I never did post the below draft (until now) but left it in my inbox for several weeks. Only after talking with Katie further did she agree to let me. I'll comment more on this later but for now, here's the short email I sent Katie followed by the post and then a comment or two. I'll let you get a feel for what I was feeling at the time.
Dear Katie, this post is a sad one. I've been feeling blue about us as a D/s couple. Maybe we need to talk sometime. I miss things or maybe I just need things in ways you don't. I really don't know all that I'm feeling but there are definite feelings of frustration brewing that I don't like. I love you.
PS. If you don't want me to post this just tell me. xoxo
Feeling the Blues
If you’ve been reading this blog you will know it goes back quite a few years. It follows the path Katie and I have taken from the point of me asking her if she would allow me to submit, to our struggles with accepting those mutual responsibilities and finally coming to terms with how we live within the framework of a wife-led-marriage. At times I wrote about personal ‘stuff’ that was a part of your live and at other times wrote topically about matters that I thought had a female-led-relationship bent.
This post is more of a personal reflection and if you’ve read the last several posts you probably have detected the change in tone in my posts. You’ve also probably noticed I haven’t written quite as frequently. My submissive energy tank is quite low at the moment. I think I’m losing my passion and it saddens me. The other night I lay in bed feeling sad. I realized I was grieving of sorts. I realized I was missing the spark of feeling and seeing Katie’s dominance. I was feeling sad as I thought back to things that were and now are no more. I realized at that moment that I believe things are slipping for us and what was so much fun as well as what brought us such closeness isn’t quite as prominent in our daily life anymore.
Today I showered (Katie had gone before me). After I towel dried I looked at the wet towel as I tossed it in the hamper. My routine is to place a clean towel/wash cloth and underwear for Katie so all is ready for her the next time she wants to bathe. I almost left the room without doing so.
That is a little thing indeed yet it goes to the heart of how I feel in general. A few months ago I wanted to do that. Now it feels like a chore. Before it was fun to think how a little thing like prepping the bathroom was something I could do for her so she didn’t have to bother. Now I’m considering not even bothering.
I use to clean the cat litter daily. Now I’m shooting for every other or every third day. Why? Well it’s for the same reason. “Who gives a rip? It’s just the cat’s pooping spot. Who cares?” That’s my attitude.
On a weekend I usually think ahead about what we will eat for dinners during the week. I haven’t had those thoughts in almost a month. Yes we manage but we aren’t thriving and flourishing with my dinner meals. It’s my fault and yet I’m just not feeling it. I’m in a lull. I want a spark. I want to feel overwhelmed with her presence. I feel loved. That’s never been an issue but I’m not sensing direction. I’m not being critiqued. I’m not being supervised. Oh, and I just realized I’m not locked on a work day. Yea, I looked in the drawer where I keep the appliance but decided I’d put it on later and then I was in the car and off to work. And the cage is still in the drawer. But that’s not been the first time that’s happened. There have been several such days.
I know you will comment I need to speak my mind to Katie and I do – a little. But I really wish she’d see my small slip ups, my negligence, my haphazard ways of doing things and give me a verbal whack on the butt and tell me to knock it off and get with the show. I don’t want to lead while following. I want to follow. I want to obey. I want to follow her and obey her. I want to be kept in check. All that to say, I wish she’d lead me with more intentionality, that’s all.
End of Post
End of Post
So those were my thoughts, feelings and frustrations in early April. After Katie read she responded as I thought - she felt sad. We did talk. At first just a little but in the days after, we kept talking. I was able to at least express my concerns. Not all were received nor did I think they would but at least I was able to voice them and at least I was able to see she understood with empathy. As with most things in life, the intensity of feelings subside and life goes on. I don't have those same feelings now as then. As to why I don't, I'll leave that for the next post.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
It’s been awhile since the last post. When I stop writing it’s difficult to get back into the habit and I have no idea if this one will result in a surge of ideas resulting in subsequent posts. But at least it’s a start. The other day I received an email from a friend. Our conversations have moved from one topic to another over the months but in this most recent email the comment was made “money is power” and my friend asked if my views on giving up financial control to Katie is something I still feel good about.
Apparently his wife is taking control of their finances and the adjustment has been just that – an adjustment. It’s hard for me to remember how I felt back then when Katie assumed control. If I recall correctly, it was something I welcomed. I welcomed it because I came from a marriage where I controlled the money but was married to a woman who loved using the plastic regardless of the modest income we generated. I hated that damn card. I hated always being behind the eight-ball and the feeling of never being able to stay ahead. I hated having to tell my children ‘no’ when they asked to do this or that because I knew of the financial implications and the need to try to stay ahead of the next bill. I hated everything about money.
So when Katie wanted control I willingly gave it up. That’s my background b to get to the question posed in the email: is money power? I think the answer is both yes and no. It’s a no because Katie has to pay the bills. Sure, she knows the balance in our checking and savings and I don’t. She knows if we are staying in the black and if our safety margin between black and red is growing or shrinking. That might be power but it’s also responsibility and for some it may be stressful as it did for me. Personally I’m glad to be free or that responsibility. But money is power in that Katie can buy what she wants, when she wants. I don’t have that freedom. In our home she usually tells me what she purchased but does so more after the fact than before. That’s the power. That’s the freedom she enjoys.
On the flip side, not having that freedom is what I asked for when I asked to submit. I wanted to remain dependent. I wanted to not have so many choices. I wanted to give up, let go, and put my trust in her. I wanted all of that because I came to realize by doing so it would promote closeness. I crave closeness and do so through my submission. It’s what I can’t seem to get enough of. It’s the mysterious paradox of the dominant/submissive relationship that makes no sense to those that live with equal power. But remember, the primary reason I wanted to submit was to draw me closer to Katie and in the area of finances I knew that having money meant having control. I find myself resisting control. I want to let go a whole lot more than I want to grasp on and keep for my own because I understand the consequences of that choice.
The peace I experienced by letting go took place because my heart was in a place to let go. I think my friend’s heart isn’t quite in that same place. I’m making assumptions but I suspect he is being forced to give up and being forced to live without while his heart isn’t quite ready to go there and fully trust in his spouse and her decisions.
For the mistresses of the world reading this, there is responsibility in having those freedoms. In the financial realm there is the responsibility to live within ones’ means. Our homes are not like the government. We reap the painful consequences of poor financial choices a whole lot sooner than governments (although in the end there is no joy by going further into debt). Just because you have control doesn’t mean the wallet won’t eventually run dry. And in that respect, even mistresses have to submit to the hard realities of life. Mistresses submitting, mmmm, now there is a thought to ponder!
Am I glad I let go? You better believe it. Do I have second thoughts? Sometimes. Of course there are times when I wish I could get this, or do that, or go there, but I understand the momentary satisfaction of making that purchase risks me losing the greater good of living dependently on her. For me, there is no better place to be because to remain needy equates to remaining intimately close. And that is what I want more than anything else – intimacy.