Saturday, May 21, 2016

Missing Intimacy

A little more than a month ago I wrote sent a draft of a proposed post to Katie to read and approve. On this particular day I knew her review wouldn't be received with the usual "looks good, post it" remark.  I had been feeling down for quite some time and decided to vent my frustrations via a blog post. My choice was obviously not the best but I did what I did.  I never did post the below draft (until now) but left it in my inbox for several weeks. Only after talking with Katie further did she agree to let me. I'll comment more on this later but for now, here's the short email I sent Katie followed by the post and then a comment or two.  I'll let you get a feel for what I was feeling at the time. 
I'm Hers.

The email:
Dear Katie, this post is a sad one. I've been feeling blue about us as a D/s couple.  Maybe we need to talk sometime. I miss things or maybe I just need things in ways you don't. I really don't know all that I'm feeling but there are definite feelings of frustration brewing that I don't like.  I love you.
I’m YOURS
PS. If you don't want me to post this just tell me. xoxo

The post:
Feeling the Blues

If you’ve been reading this blog you will know it goes back quite a few years. It follows the path Katie and I have taken from the point of me asking her if she would allow me to submit, to our struggles with accepting those mutual responsibilities and finally coming to terms with how we live within the framework of a wife-led-marriage.  At times I wrote about personal ‘stuff’ that was a part of your live and at other times wrote topically about matters that I thought had a female-led-relationship bent.

This post is more of a personal reflection and if you’ve read the last several posts you probably have detected the change in tone in my posts. You’ve also probably noticed I haven’t written quite as frequently. My submissive energy tank is quite low at the moment.  I think I’m losing my passion and it saddens me.  The other night I lay in bed feeling sad. I realized I was grieving of sorts. I realized I was missing the spark of feeling and seeing Katie’s dominance. I was feeling sad as I thought back to things that were and now are no more. I realized at that moment that I believe things are slipping for us and what was so much fun as well as what brought us such closeness isn’t quite as prominent in our daily life anymore. 

Today I showered (Katie had gone before me). After I towel dried I looked at the wet towel as I tossed it in the hamper.  My routine is to place a clean towel/wash cloth and underwear for Katie so all is ready for her the next time she wants to bathe.  I almost left the room without doing so.
That is a little thing indeed yet it goes to the heart of how I feel in general.  A few months ago I wanted to do that. Now it feels like a chore. Before it was fun to think how a little thing like prepping the bathroom was something I could do for her so she didn’t have to bother. Now I’m considering not even bothering.

I use to clean the cat litter daily. Now I’m shooting for every other or every third day.  Why? Well it’s for the same reason. “Who gives a rip? It’s just the cat’s pooping spot. Who cares?” That’s my attitude.

On a weekend I usually think ahead about what we will eat for dinners during the week. I haven’t had those thoughts in almost a month. Yes we manage but we aren’t thriving and flourishing with my dinner meals. It’s my fault and yet I’m just not feeling it. I’m in a lull.  I want a spark. I want to feel overwhelmed with her presence. I feel loved. That’s never been an issue but I’m not sensing direction. I’m not being critiqued. I’m not being supervised.  Oh, and I just realized I’m not locked on a work day.  Yea, I looked in the drawer where I keep the appliance but decided I’d put it on later and then I was in the car and off to work. And the cage is still in the drawer. But that’s not been the first time that’s happened. There have been several such days.

I know you will comment I need to speak my mind to Katie and I do – a little. But I really wish she’d see my small slip ups, my negligence, my haphazard ways of doing things and give me a verbal whack on the butt and tell me to knock it off and get with the show. I don’t want to lead while following. I want to follow. I want to obey. I want to follow her and obey her. I want to be kept in check. All that to say, I wish she’d lead me with more intentionality, that’s all.
End of Post


So those were my thoughts, feelings and frustrations in early April. After Katie read she responded as I thought - she felt sad. We did talk. At first just a little but in the days after, we kept talking. I was able to at least express my concerns. Not all were received nor did I think they would but at least I was able to voice them and at least I was able to see she understood with empathy. As with most things in life, the intensity of feelings subside and life goes on. I don't have those same feelings now as then. As to why I don't, I'll leave that for the next post.

I'm Hers

22 comments:

  1. It's a GOOD thing that feelings are transient--at least, NEGATIVE ones are!! lolzzz!!

    Wishing you the BEST

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    1. Amen to that bobcat. Even these passed. I hesitated in posting this but it was something I felt I needed to share. Everyone has down times that are a normal part of life. It's something I thought should be presented and hopefully discussed. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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    2. C.S. Lewis in his book Screwtape letters makes the point that if we forget the law of undulation, that life moves as waves of a sea, with highs and lows, we can become overly discouraged by our lack of highs. It's hard to not have the excitement but enjoying the small stuff you have, as you have, seems like a good thing.

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  2. IH, I'm so glad you are voicing your concerns to Mrs Katie. IMO, just the act of doing so will make you feel better. Everyone needs a little feedback on the things they do, good or bad. At least they are noticed. I hope she received your comments well and will honestly share her thoughts and desires with you. Continuous communication is the key to success in any relationship, especially an FLR. Many times us males have trouble understanding where our spouses are coming from, so if Mrs Katie permits, I hope you will share some of her comments on the blog. I hope the best is yet to come for you. Keep the faith!!

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    1. Thanks for the encouraging words. I think mostly I needed to get my feelings aired. I know she listened. I know she heard me. That alone made most of the difference.

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  3. So much of what you've written resonates with me. I've had similar thoughts recently but haven't voiced them as resolutely as you have. I'm really looking forward to your next post. Hopefully a gem I can find.

    Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Sorry you are in the emotional pits. You know what you need to do - talk to her. Get your thoughts out in the open. I wish you well!

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  4. I hear you and feel for you. I seem to spend my time wondering and think about this. Feeling like there is no intimacy. Like she does not care. I try and think what makes for things she likes and what is just annoying for her.

    Best of luck.

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    1. submanhub, No intimacy isn't good. Somehow you need to find a way to break whatever cycle you two are in. I never felt unloved, just not dominated. To me that is a big difference. I hope you can talk to her at some point.

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    2. Ken, that is remarkable. For me the two were inseparable. Oh what a blessing to never felt unloved. What a gift that is!

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  5. Wow buddy, this sounds serious. I understand completely how you feel and what you feel and what scares me is that I see some of those same characteristics is my marriage to my beautiful Mistress K. Like any relationship, "normal or otherwise", it takes two people to keep the fire going and if all along it was ever only one person stoking the fire, problems like you describe can develop. I do hope that each of us can always, successful navigate the waters on the sea of life for the Captains of respective ships. There will be some choppy water .... but we're smart enough to know how to not just stay afloat, but to still be steaming for those nice, calm, blue, warm waters in the paradise we seek.

    Hang in there brother.

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    1. Seems like the comments have a common theme SHIP.... that we all have these down times. I dare say you are in a better situation than most. You share story after story of how your wife teases, plays or is actively involved in your submission. Be thankful for what you do have. It's a special thing you two share.

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    2. I get on my knees and thanks God and Goddess everyday for what we have. Hang in there my friend. let me know if I an help.

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  6. Sorry, I hit "publish" before I was ready. If you'd like to chat offline about things, I'd love to.

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  7. I always read your post,but seldom reply. We are about the same age ,and I am a Christian as well. I am not so good with words ,and it's hard for me to get my point across,so bare with me.I get feeling the same way as you described at times. This is when I ask to be spanked if my wife does not take it upon herself to tell me it's time. We do not do this for punishment of any kind. This gets me out of the slump I am in. My wife had a hard time doing it at first,because she did not want to hurt me,or be mean to me. After I finally convinced her that this is not about being mean or hurting me,it is about love and helping me feel loved and helping me be the husband I want to be,treating her with love ,respect that she deserves. It take complete trust,and complete love to do this,and I love her all the more for helping me out of these kind of slumps when I get in them. They affect how I treat her,how I help her and how I perform at home and at work. I always lay there ( on the bed ) and let it soak in for a while after she is done, and make sure I thank her and tell her I love her afterwards. I have read your post and know that you do not do this ,but have ask about it in the past. We have been married 31 years

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  8. We have been married 31 years and just figured this out about 2 years ago. Wish we would have known about this much sooner. It works for us ,and helps me feel loved when I am down and a much better husband,The husband I want ,and should be.

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    1. fabricater, You explained things well. I think you did just fine with 'words'. As I read your post I couldn't help but remember reading a post within the last week or so that Kathy put up. She described as similar situation that she witnessed - of a man being spanked and then voluntarily coming to the mistress who disciplined him to worship her feet. Although I've never personally experienced this I can see where those feelings might come from. I'm glad you two figured this out.
      I know of a couple who takes part in 'maintenance spanking' ever few weeks. He often shared how much he needed it to keep his head were it needed to be. My guess is, you feel the same way.

      Thanks for sharing and please do so again.

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  9. I think most of us guys in an FLR have felt this way at one time or another. I have found that talking with my wife about my needs as her submissive does help (at least for a while). Would love to read more about how your Katie has responded to your feelings and frustrations. Hope things improve for you.
    vic

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    1. Things are on the up and up. And, as you pointed out, talking was the key. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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  10. IH,
    I am glad ya'll are on the up and up. It is never good to be in "that place". As the others have said and I agree, we all go there sometimes.
    I think we (or at least I know I) want our wives to want and desire what we want to give as much or more than we want to give it. I want to know that I really please her and to know that is really what she wants. I want to sacrifice and serve and I want to know that she desires my sacrifice and service. I want to feel her dominance, to know that she knows she is in control.
    Thankfully, we are there most all of the time or at least moving forward. And it sounds like ya'll are too.
    Remember it is about the journey together. Keep talking to her, I know it can be hard but, she deserves to know what you need, what you desire. Otherwise, how can she use it to control you. :)

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  11. Well, I certainly don't have the answers to everything. In the studio I learned that there are times when you must make a man kneel, crawl, and beg. There are other times when you should just kiss him. A good mistress wife understands the right time for which. Sometimes a little kiss is all a man needs to get right with his wrold.

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    1. I don't know that I was necessarily looking for answers with the above post. For me it was more of a chance to air my thoughts and clear the air. I don't know if there is a right answer.

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